unwanted advice - update

Leahandshaughn

So i posted a question a few weeks back on how to handle my MIL giving me advice on how to feed my child. I was given great advice by you ladies on the bean dip scenario and chaining the subject and even telling her straight up that i don't want to hear it.

So update on this now.. I went out with my husband to visit his parents who i do love. we were talking about other things about the baby and i believe we were talking about wall colors when out of the blue she says "you are going to give the baby a bottle once a day right" i told her i'll do what i feel is best for my child. then she kept pushing and i mean push on how i have to give a bottle at least once a day cause its better and shes had 3 kids and her kids turned out just fine (Which they did). i tried to change the topic about this cute outfit i bought today but she just kept going on and on and on. i was so mad by the end.. i did everything i could to change the topic and even told her that this is my child and mike (my husband) and I will do what we feel is best and at this time i do not plan on giving a bottle. unless i cant breast feed i don't plan on it. she still again wouldn't drop it until she finally noticed how mad i was. I let it go and went on a different topic about how i don't want to go to class tomorrow (i'm finishing my human resource diploma). So i told my DH how mad i was but not to mention it to his mother cause i don't want him to felt like the monkey in the middle but i got "well she did raise three kids". i was about to honestly deck him in the jaw i couldn't believe how he just sided with this mother. 

I'm just at my wits end... i don't want to avoid her cause she is a super sweet lady and i do love her. its just crazy cause even my own mother who is very pushy hasn't said boo about what i should and shouldn't do unless i ask her. 

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ashiscute

Don't defend yourself.  Just say discussion over and ignore until she listens.  Also, I would be annoyed at YH too.  Who cares that she raised three kids?  She's not raising this one.

janda426

Just stop explaining yourself. Tell her it's not her business and you're done talking about it. I don't care who you are, if you can't STFU about a topic I clearly don't wish to speak about then I'm gonna get direct with you.

And your H needs to side with you. When a man gets married, he needs to cut the cord and stand by his wife. Not let you get trampled over and left to defend yourself. He can 100% still be respectful of his mom but your feelings come first. He needs to tell her to back off and you two need to have a united front. If she's got him wrapped around her finger you're fighting a losing battle, she will never stop with the nitpicking as long as her and your child are around.

estefyp4

Can I suggest you being blunt about the situation.. I mean the next time this happens pull her to the side and tell her that you can appreciate she raised 3 healthy kids and that you appreciate that she can talk to you as a real mother (instead of MIL) and tell you her opinions but this is your kid and what you say goes and that if she keeps pushing you on that subject she's gonna push you and her grand children away.. tell her to please respect your decision and drop it or your relationship with her will change.. this I feel should get through to her.. as far as the H tell him sure she raised three kids but its is you who are now raising your child and she (MIL) has no say.. Good luck!

PrimRoseMama

Just tell her that you aren't going to give a bottle & you want to breast feed. That it hurts your feelings & frustrates you that she keeps on about it. Please stop. Her way is not the only way.

marthah05

I can be a spiteful cutting person, so personally I would cut her to the quick and say, "Well thanks for the advice, but it is antiquated, so thanks for trying."

Whitfry

I have had to get up and leave a restaurant when my mil insisted on being inappropriate. She and DH were bickering and I was sick of it, so I got up and left. It really shocked her, since she is not used to that sort of thing, but it was effective for both her and DH.

Sometimes you need to take the dramatic actions to get a point across. So I would start with "this topic is not up for conversation." If she continues, "this conversation is over." And if she still continues, I would get up and leave. Period. Leave DH sitting there too, since he's not currently being supportive.

Tbh, your DH's lack of support concerns me more. You need to have a come to Jesus talk with him. I've had a few of these with my DH. Regarding bfing, my statement was: "I feel passionate about bfing and this is a hill I'm willing to die on. I've done a lot of work making this baby and I will feed him the way I want. You're either with me or against me." After seeing how serious I was, he stepped into line.

You have to choose your battles. Is this your hill to die on? Then make that very clear to your husband. You need his support.

ldmw

I'm in the same boat, except their advice isn't advice but is them telling us exactly what we are going to do. You'll tell me the sex as soon as you know, you'll take your kid here, you'll do this or else .....
I'm still so pissed about it, so my husband is going to be having a frank conversation with them. When these situations happen in the moment I tell them it's my pregnancy and child and the decisions are not theirs. Apparently this isn't getting the message across, so we'll see how my husband handles it.

I'm baffled at the behavior of grown adults sometimes.

megorlando

Personally I'd just react with a smile and a neutral "we'll see how things go!" Because, really, the truth is that not all of us women can breastfeed successfully, or even breastfeed 100% of the time, for either physical or lifestyle reasons - and, we never know how it will go until we try it. So the risk to digging in your heels and fighting about it now is that you'll actually need to supplement for baby's nutrition requirements, or you'll have a physical issue that will prevent it at all - and then you've got a mother in law in the "I told you so" camp right off the bat, which is a slippery slope to let her be in! 

Personally, I breastfeed because I'm a cheapskate and it's free from nature! I've done it once before and I'm just one of the lucky ones to have an incredible supply and no trouble with it. But it's not a walk in the park - in fact, the first time, my baby ended up having chew reflex weaknesses that went undetected by the first two lac consultants I met with. I almost quit the whole enterprise after dealing with multiple bouts of mastitis and bloody, raw nipples for two months, and being told "well the latch looks good so it must be fine" CLEARLY it's not! After some physical therapy for her, which probably also avoided future speech impediments, it was clear sailing. But, all that to say that roadblocks can happen and you shouldn't feel like you're a failure if you supplement with formula, or switch totally. Breastmilk is marginally better in short term markers, in some studies, but not over the long term. 

Here's a sweet article from a LAC consultant. https://www.skepticalob.com/2014/12/guest-post-a-lactation-consultant-on-breastfeeding-and-shaming.html

That whole site is nice for a reasonable take on things. Dr Lateur breastfed all four of her kids, but she is clear that it's only physical chance that allowed it. Some of us can't for physical or work or lifestyle reasons, or pure preference, and that's okay! 

I've just been down this road where I get hung up on ideas of how things should be ahead of time, and then when they don't work out that way for reasons beyond my control, I get in some kind of funk...and I have to remind myself that it's okay! We can't control everything. The last thing you need as a new mother is to drape yourself over the altar of breast is best, or unmedicated vaginal delivery only, for example - and then detest yourself if something interrupts it. It's just life.

My two cents - hope it helps!

lexyraejay

You really need to decide together with your husband how to address this situation with your MIL. He needs to realize that you're the one he has chosen to have a child with and the both of you will come to your patenting decisions together, taking others suggestions into account only if you both see fit to do so. He should take the lead with MIL since she's his mom. If she's being bullheaded about this one subject, she will probably do it over and over on other subjects too.

B&KsMom

Honestly sometimes I find with people like that it is easier to just agree with them to their face and move on. Unless she is going to be around trying to sneak your baby bottles I wouldn't worry to much about it. At least not yet. Easier to avoid arguments with unreasonable people.

My stepdad is very opinionated. I used to argue with him and then I realized my life is easier and less dramatic if I just nod my head and smile.