First Baby, Second Shower (thrown by other side of the family)

lynnz52

So I had a baby shower thrown my my mother and aunts; it was a couples shower. My in-laws were invited, although only my DH's siblings came to the shower. My in-laws would like to throw another shower after the baby is born. My DH is upset because his parents did not show, and he doesn't want another shower.

I am on the fence. I see where my husband is coming from, but I don't want to be rude to my in-laws. They also threw a shower for his SIL's second child, and I will admit, I thought showers were only for the first baby and kind of thought it was tacky.

I am torn between being rude to my in-laws and supporting my DH. I also do not want to appear greedy in having a second shower. They do live a bit of a distance away, but traveling (for us or them) has never been an issue before.

lynnz52

They said they had to work, but when we were visiting with them for the holidays, his Dad mentioned taking PTO for personal reasons, and my DH said.. "Oh, so you can take PTO," and his Dad laughed and said "Yea, just not for your shower."

I honestly think that his Dad didn't realize that it was so important to my DH for them to be there. His mom also missed my Bridal shower, and he's still a little bitter about that. They don't seem to have any issues attending any events for his (DH's) brother's family/children.

To be honest, both of our families are so passive/aggressive that it's hard to tell how they really feel, or the reasons behind any of our actions. Which is why I'm writing to a forum, rather than just straight out telling them how we feel. : /

That answers my etiquette question though, so thank you.

VOR

First of all - your DH comes first here. not his parents. If he doesn't want a shower, then no shower. However, past that... your DH is placing too much importance on a shower. It's not a wedding, it's not the birth of your baby. It's JUST a present giving party. Really... it is. My MIL didn't come to either my bridal or baby showers. I really didn't care. I don't see showers as "must attend" events.

ggatlanta

I want to meet one of these husbands who cares so much about a baby shower. I get it, I get it, it's not the shower itself but the principle of the thing, but honestly I don't think my husband could ever get upset about anything baby-shower related. I mean, unless that thing was, "Guess what, you get to come with me to a baby shower!" That, he probably wouldn't love.

lynnz52

You are right, it's not about the baby shower. I don't know how much you want me to get into it. I'll try to summarize.

First of all, this whole having kids thing.. was never my cup of tea. I didn't not want kids, but it wasn't my main goal in life. I was on the fence. My DH on the other hand, the only thing he's ever wanted. This is our first child, and our first child-related event. And by upset.. I mean annoyed, not upset like he's not going to talk to them ever again, he probably didn't even give it a second thought after he told his mom no to the second shower. Then his family asked me, and I didn't know at the time he had already told them no, so I said.. "oh that's very thoughtful, sure, maybe in the spring when the weather is a little easier to travel in".

It's not like showers are his thing or anything.. which is probably part of the reason he doesn't want to go through another one.

Second, my parents are the most enthusiastically supportive parents in the world. They attend every event, even our intramural kick ball games when we were in our late 20's. It my seem obnoxious, but I would never take it for granted. When the two are compared, it seems like night and day and I know he felt a little embarrassed at the shower having to answer to all of the guests when they asked why his parents weren't there.

Now that you know our life story.. haha. No, really though, I think I have my question answered. Thanks for your help. I agree it is his family, so it's up to him. He may change his mind when spring comes and he wants to show off the baby.

P.S. I'm so glad that we made the decision to have kids. I've just never been a baby person, and was worried about it not coming naturally. Everyone told me it would be different when it's your own, and they were right. It's pretty incredible having him growing in there. I'm still a little nervous for the newborn phase, but excited too.

jennypolkadots

I understand where your husband is coming from. We had a shower on the 30th and DH was hurt that his grandfather didn't come. His mom lives states away and his dad is not in his life, so having his grandparents there felt important to him. Also his best friend flaked because "he had to study" which is his excuse for practically everything always and we know that he doesn't study, he plays video games. It's not about the gifts, or the shower, just the principle of wanting people you love to be excited enough for you to want to share in those days and it can feel hurtful when they make no effort.

BUT, I will say that working takes precedence to attending a shower. I can't personally imagine missing my child's shower, but I doubt your husband made it clear how much he was hoping they would make it. So it's not totally fair in that respect, and it's not on the same level as the parents of the mother who live locally not coming if that makes sense.

Don't have a second shower if you don't want to, but don't NOT have one out of spite. It's just silly. I can't really imagine the point in having a shower months after the baby arrives though. Most people will have already seen the baby by then and brought little gifts, so it would feel like overkill to me. Or maybe I'm misunderstanding their intentions. 

lynnz52

His parents are technically retired. They work part time for supplemental income. From his Dad's point of view.. I think his mom decided not to come, and he just followed suite. We constantly rearrange our work schedule and save PTO to visit his family (extended too, not just his parents), and sometimes it just feels that is not reciprocated. For example, we visit his extended family every year (in addition to weddings, funerals.. etc), and only a few showed up for our wedding. I think it's just how they are.

Like I said, my DH will probably forget about by the spring. If we have it, we may just do a no-gift, just visit the baby if you haven't met him type of deal.

VOR

O.k. Two things to say based on your updates. 1- TRUST me- people might say "where are your parents?" but no one, NO ONE, is going to judge it or think anything about it. They're probably more asking to be polite. But it's nothing to be embarassed about. People have lives and not everyone can make it to every event. 2- sounds like you all need to adjust your expectations. If you don't want to rearrange work, save PTO, etc., then DON'T. If you expect repciprocation, well, you wont get it- so change your actions so that you aren't upset by it.

lynnz52

I think it seems more like it is expected of us, by them, but isn't reciprocated. Which is where the disappointment comes in.

I agree we shouldn't let it upset us. I don't think not allowing a second shower is going to fix anything. Talking about it might, but it's between him and his family, more personal to him, and no matter how I feel about it, it's harder for me to address.