Safety issue - say something or mind my own business???

soylatte

Family member posted this photo today of their 2 month old sleeping. They have 2 young kids and now this one. Dad is a stay at home dad and cares for them, this is how he apparently puts them to bed. I'm having a heart attack because of the safety issues. Would you butt in if this were your family? They live out of state, are older parents (as am I). If I am overreacting, tell me. But this seems like a poster for SIDS risks. Thanks.
** Image deleted - I shouldn't have posted it - It's a little baby face down with 3 fleece blankets over it.

caycelee

I know some people who do still put their baby on their stomach but this would scare the crap out of me especially with a blanket. The baby doesn't look like his/her head is even turned. I never felt comfortable putting LO on his belly until he was rolling and I still go in and make sure he has breathing room. If I were to say something it would be like " omg how do you sleep with the baby positioned like that?!" Something along those lines but I wouldn't come out and say you're doing it wrong. Having known they have other children they probably already know that's a no no. BUT some people are just idiots too...

Junebug060609

I'd probably either do a comment similar to what the pp mentioned or pm them. I wouldn't be able to forgive myself if, heaven forbid, something happened and I hadn't said anything.

soylatte

Haleighkay90 said:

I think Junebug has the right idea. PM would probably be the best way to handle it and preface it with saying you wouldn't be able to forgive yourself if something happened and you hadn't said something. This blog has been popping up on my fb feed lately https://mommyofanagel51313.wordpress.com/2014/11/23/why-didnt-anyone-tell-me-i-was-wrong/

That blog is heartbreaking.

usernewname

My friend sent me a photo of a baby in her care sleeping on their belly. She has no kids.

I told her that wasn't a good idea and she laughed me off. I told her if I found that out as a parent I wouldn't be laughing.

I was talking to dh about that blog. It's a catch 22. Most people see someone stepping in as being obtrusive or as a know it all. However if the unthinkable happened you would ask why didn't someone say something ...

Emmagk

I don't know if I'd say anything. How many times has any one of us here been annoyed by unwanted advice when pregnant or since LO was born.

I had someone on my FB post a pic last year of their 7mo forward facing in the car. I seriously considered saying something then but I haven't seen her in years and felt like it wasn't my place

kym1242

since its a family member, I would say something or ask them if they have ever heard of SIDS

hatrats

Is it possible he was posting it as an unsafe-sleep-position joke picture?

yepyepsms

I would say something for sure. I would be okay ruining a relationship if it meant trying to improve a baby's safety.

soylatte

hatrats said:

Is it possible he was posting it as an unsafe-sleep-position joke picture?

Nope. The dad isn't the sharpest tool in the shed. Nice guy, but he has issues.

Sam0905

I'm on team say something. I mean, safe sleep is like the first chapter in the baby book. There are entire community health movements, posters, and slogans about safe sleep. It says "back is best" right on all of DS' swaddles and sleep sacks. Maybe he's truly ignorant, or maybe he thinks "oh the baby will be fine" - but either way, it's just not safe and it would be tragic if something happened.

bridetobe9132013

Omg say something! This is not ok! Its breaking my heart

gypsymystic

I have actually been in this very same situation with my sister's MIL. I have spoken about it many times on TB in topics about safe sleep. I am sad to say, it did not end well at all. 

My sister's SIL had twins the same year I had my DS1, they were 7 weeks apart. They were very, VERY lax abut safe sleep practices, and also fed the twins large chunks of hot dogs, (cut in thick circles) and meatloaf etc. on many occasions which made me nervous. I said something about sleeping them on the sofa and on the bed in the manner which they did. I am not against co-sleeping, but what they were doing was leaving them unattended and also using blankets and pillows improperly. I was basically brushed off... then the incident happened... 

     When one of the twins was 6 months and 2 days old, my SIL and MIL went on vacation to see relatives out of state, only bringing one pack-n-play. Because the girls could not sleep together in it, my sister's MIL slept in the room on one bed with the baby on the other, by herself; and her twin in the PNP. They placed pillows and blankets with her, and stuffed a blanket in the crack between the mattress and wall to prevent her from falling off that side of the bed. The PNP was placed against the other side of the bed. She had not been very good at rolling over so they assumed she was safe and my sister's SIL stayed up late, and went to bed in a different room, not wanting to wake them. The baby rolled and became trapped in the blanket between the mattress and the wall, suffocating her. Sister's MIL never heard a peep from her, and slept through it all completely oblivious until the next morning when her twin woke up and she discovered what had happened. They called 911 and gave CPR to no avail. They estimated she had passed sometime between 3 and 5 in the morning and this was at 9:30/10:00.

     It did not bring me any comfort really that I had said anything beforehand, the poor baby was gone and it was a tragic loss for all, of course. Though I can say now I am glad I did say something even though it made no difference. However, I am still regretful my words fell on deaf ears. The thing is, afterward, they continued to leave the other twin on adult beds and on the couch alone at night or for hours on end. When I said something about it the second time, even though I put it nicely, respectfully and I THOUGHT I had a good relationship with them, my sister's MIL (who believes anyone younger then her is an idiot and has no right trying to educate her on anything) told me "I was being insensitive about the one twin's passing," and that "God would never take another baby from them in that way so it would be just fine". Maybe her own guilt had a part in this, and she was in denial. I will never know for sure now. 

     She basically cut off all contact with me at that point, barred my son from seeing my sister's niece, and regularly talks crap about me during family functions when my sister and BIL attend. Now, I am not saying I don't believe in God, but making poor choices and choosing to continue them, not educating one's self on safe sleep and generally taking risks in that manner is not an act of God. SIDs, yes. That can not be prevented. Ignoring safe sleep practices or safe bed sharing practices is human error. Grievous human error, and a poor choice in any case. 

That said, especially after reading that blog, it is important to speak up, no matter the consequence. Just do so in a very careful and respectful manner as most people do not understand the concern of another person, and choose to take it personally and that may definitely cause a strain on the relationship you have with them. It may be unavoidable but IMO if it could possibly save a baby's life-- well worth it.

jenn43

I am so glad the responses on this board are more reasonable and supportive.  The 6-9 month board decided to call @soylatte "judgey" and yell at her for posting a pic of someone else's child (which shows absolutely nothing you could recognize- just the back of a head).  

gutsysneakers

@gypsymystic - what a tragedy! I agree with PPs @ soylatte - I would definitely say something. 

soylatte

jenn43 said:

I am so glad the responses on this board are more reasonable and supportive.  The 6-9 month board decided to call @soylatte "judgey" and yell at her for posting a pic of someone else's child (which shows absolutely nothing you could recognize- just the back of a head).  

I took the photo down - Holy Crap - didn't mean to commit such a bad violation... Plus some people are a little mean.

soylatte

usernameedit said:

I would say something, especially about the blankets.  the face down baby doesn't bother me as much - DS is put down on his back all the time and will often roll onto his tummy and plant his face down and sleep that way. 

Mine does, too. Loves things on his head.

IBackBevo

@gypsymystic - Thank you for sharing!  I was just today reading something on Dr. Sear's website promoting bed sharing with a baby...even going so far as to say that it helped reduce SIDS.  It made me start to think about it for us...although, my husband sleeps with so many pillows that it would make me nervous.  After reading that story, it makes me rethink it.  I just don't see how it can be safely done with a young baby unless you sleep with no blankets or pillows.

hfooter

kitchencolors said:

Eh.  You don't know their lyfe.  MYOB.  

Eh. Same thing could be said about car seat safety.

typeset

MYOB.

typeset

https://health.usnews.com/health-news/articles/2014/12/01/babies-still-sleeping-with-soft-bedding-despite-sids-risk-cdc

busterbeagle

hfooter said:

kitchencolors said:

Eh.  You don't know their lyfe.  MYOB.  

Eh. Same thing could be said about car seat safety.

I'm confused about the car seat safety connection.

soylatte

usernameedit said:

OP - I have a question.  Is this actually how the dad puts them to sleep and leaves them that way OR is it just a funny post? 

I think you should say something, BUT get to know the actual situation first.
Maybe say something like "wow!  that picture is funny!  Does he really sleep like that?"

I made a comment on FB saying she needs a cute little sleep sack. We ended up emailing back and forth and turns out, they are aware of the risks but feel they know best and prefer the fleece blankets, and they wake up a lot to check on her... I mentioned I sent a fleece sleep sack as a baby gift, she said she'd use it.

hfooter

kitchencolors said:

hfooter said:

Eh.  You don't know their lyfe.  MYOB.  

Eh. Same thing could be said about car seat safety.

Sort of?  Not using a car seat properly is always dangerous.  Baby who potentially rolled onto their own belly being covered by blankets while in the same room as a parent is a very feasible scenario here, and I just can't be convinced that that's in the same category as improper car seat usage.

Sure whatever, not exact. But still a risk none the less. And there are statistics to prove it's dangerous as @typset so nicely posted...which contradicts the MYOB attitude.

hfooter

kitchencolors said:

busterbeagle said:

Eh.  You don't know their lyfe.  MYOB.  

Eh. Same thing could be said about car seat safety.

I'm confused about the car seat safety connection.

I'm guessing there's an assumption that commenting about car seat safety on photos is okay and/or our duty so this is just another example of the same thing.

It's like how when you see someone smoking in public you are supposed to tell them it has the potential to kill them. 

you mean neither of you have ever let someone know they are doing it wrong? hmm.

typeset

hfooter said:

Sure whatever, not exact. But still a risk none the less. And there are statistics to prove it's dangerous as @typset so nicely posted...which contradicts the MYOB attitude.

I thought my statistics proved most people do it wrong. 

hfooter

typeset said:

hfooter said:

Sure whatever, not exact. But still a risk none the less. And there are statistics to prove it's dangerous as @typset so nicely posted...which contradicts the MYOB attitude.

I thought my statistics proved most people do it wrong. 

Wait...what's that bolded up above? ^

hfooter

I guess this all boils down to the fact that you ladies haven't had the privilege to know a baby that has died due to suffocation because of a blanket.

typeset

Worse yet, mine is napping on his face in his crib under one right now. 

typeset

Didn't we do this over crib bumpers a year ago? People know the risk and still put blankets in with their kids. It's not like car seats where people don't realize they're doing it incorrectly. 

busterbeagle

typeset said:

Didn't we do this over crib bumpers a year ago? People know the risk and still put blankets in with their kids. It's not like car seats where people don't realize they're doing it incorrectly. 

Come at me, bro.

typeset

busterbeagle said:

Come at me, bro.

You know I want to. 

83edwards

hfooter said:

I guess this all boils down to the fact that you ladies haven't had the privilege to know a baby that has died due to suffocation because of a blanket.

Never, ever okay to do what you did here. Never ever. You probably haven't had the privilege of knowing what it feels like to lose a child, so this method of pushing your agenda is unacceptable. 

Also, ridiculous. 

busterbeagle

Creepy internet hugs, @83edwards‌.

83edwards

busterbeagle said:

Creepy internet hugs, @83edwards‌.

Not creepy at all  People make me smh

busterbeagle

hfooter said:

kitchencolors said:

busterbeagle said:

hfooter said:

kitchencolors said:

Eh.  You don't know their lyfe.  MYOB.  

Eh. Same thing could be said about car seat safety.

I'm confused about the car seat safety connection.

I'm guessing there's an assumption that commenting about car seat safety on photos is okay and/or our duty so this is just another example of the same thing.

It's like how when you see someone smoking in public you are supposed to tell them it has the potential to kill them. 

you mean neither of you have ever let someone know they are doing it wrong? hmm.

QUOTE BOX FAIL

Once again, I'm confused on if this is a vague personal call out or a generalization.

flockofmoosen3

I'm not going to address the recent development as that's already taken care of. Instead...

I'm totally on team say something. I can definitely justify possibly embarrassing or making someone mad because I suggested they do something that's a little bit safer for their child.

hfooter

I will say what I wrote was in poor taste. So I apologize for that.

I just find it odd that @typset and @kitchencolors are so nonchalant about safety issues but go all out on whether someone used an offensive word or not.

@busterbeagle not sure why you're playing dumb

So anyway, obviously I would probably say something. I also tell people that I know smoking is bad for them and tell them to stop.

busterbeagle

hfooter said:

I will say what I wrote was in poor taste. So I apologize for that.

I just find it odd that @typset and @kitchencolors are so nonchalant about safety issues but go all out on whether someone used an offensive word or not.

@busterbeagle not sure why you're playing dumb

So anyway, obviously I would probably say something. I also tell people that I know smoking is bad for them and tell them to stop.

Not playing dumb. Legitimately not getting your point and wondering if I'm being called out or if your "neither of you" comment quoting me was intended for someone else in this conversation.

I'm pretty sure the two people you are mentioning are not the only ones who have a problem with the r word, and that was been repeatedly proven on this board. Not that that is at all relevant in this post.

mrstengallonhat1

This is a family member, right?  In that case, I'd say something.  It's not like it's some random stranger on your news feed.  I don't think there's any harm, especially if you're coming from a place of genuine concern.

bazingaa

mrstengallonhat1 said:

This is a family member, right?  In that case, I'd say something.  It's not like it's some random stranger on your news feed.  I don't think there's any harm, especially if you're coming from a place of genuine concern.

This. 

And I think I saw where OP did reach out delicately to discuss. That's exactly what I would have done. You should be able to have open, honest, and sometimes difficult discussions with family.