AW: So frustrated!

ctk181

I'm sorry, I just have to vent! I am just so frustrated. My husband and I work opposite shifts and I am supposed to O this week, most likely tomorrow or Friday. He has been getting home after I'm already gone for work and he is gone by the time I get home. The only way we would have the opportunity to HIO before I O is if I come home from work early tomorrow and we could DTD before my H goes to work. I asked him if I should try to get out of work early tomorrow and he said no because it is too much pressure on him to be able to perform in that short window of time. He said he wants to forget about this cycle and hope our schedule work out better next cyle. I'm so frustrated. When I tried talking to him about it, he just got super mad and was yelling about how it is too much pressure on him and how it makes him feel bad. I know it is hard on him and there is a lot of pressure to perform, but I can't believe he is willing to just forego this whole cycle and doesn't even want to try. I just got off the phone with him and I can't stop crying. I just had to get this off my chest. I was trying to stay hopeful that maybe I would be KU by the holidays but now that's pretty impossible. I think having that little string of hope was keeping me going because I know the holidays are going to be tough. Thanks for listening ladies. Here are some treats for getting this far. 

Menrandes

Aww hun... It's totally normal to be upset about this. *hugs*
TTC is stressful at the best of times. FX that next cycle timing will be fantastic...or that your husband will surprise you and you'll be able to HIO anyway.

gscoville

I understand your frustration, but as someone whose husband has had performance issues when it comes to crunch time at ovulation, I learned a long time ago that expressing that frustration to my husband was a BAAAAAD idea. Let me put it bluntly here: a guy's ability to orgasm is a very mental thing, totally tied to their state of mind. If they're feeling stressed, or like there's massive pressure or blame on them causing them to feel bad, they're almost certainly not going to be able to cum, at all. It's a vicious circle too, because the more pressure and blame that's placed on them, the worse the situation gets, the more guilty they feel, and the less likely they are to finish the next time.  

To be honest, we lost a couple cycles entirely when I let my disappointment at him not being able to finish show to him, so I basically learned or chose to just suck it up and be encouraging and positive no matter what, rather than let my frustration or disappointment show in any way.  If I knew I was ovulating and he just couldn't finish on that day, so be it, it was more important to me to protect him as a person and our relationship rather than treat him as little more than the sum of his sperm contribution.  In the end, too, I always tried to imagine if it was me who had to orgasm in order to procreate, if I had that pressure on me I'm pretty sure I'd never orgasm.  We have to be sensitive to our guys' egos, that's for sure, berating and laying a guilt trip on them will never help the situation any.

LizBlue

Everything that @gscoville‌ said. It's so hard, I know. We have experienced this too and I tried so hard to remain positive because expressing how frustrated I was just led to more pressure. But I didn't always succeed.

I understand about that glimmer of hope of being "knocked up by..." But as someone who has been trying for four+ years, I'm learning how not to fixate or pin everything on that anymore. I don't know your history and it's very possible you will get KU, but I kind of wish I addressed this issue with my H sooner. The pressure I put on him contributed to a real long term problem.

Good luck.

uromys

(((Hugs))) doll!

PinkCamino

I'm so sorry ((hugs)) I know how frustrating it is.

PinkCamino

wickedsugar said:

I will echo everything G just said, when we were TTCing (and still now) my H works swing shift & it was hard ! And honestly there were some cycles, timing just sucked. And he's probably feeling like a sperm donor.. 

Giving yourself expectations to be KU by.. does't help either.

THIS is so important and I think we often forget.

Our DHs are under so much pressure. It's horrible.

ctk181

Thanks everyone! You all make really good points and I definitely don't want my H to feel like a sperm donor. I guess I get so caught up in the craziness of TTC I forgot how much pressure it puts on him. When I think logically and not emotionally I realize that losing one cycle is not the end of the world and I truly don't expect to be KU by any certain date but somehow knowing it could be possible helped me mentally keep going if that makes sense. But our relationship is more important to me than anything and I definitely don't want to hurt that so I will take all of your advice to heart.

PinkCamino

I wonder if in an effort to help the ladies like us who are struggling with anxiety and performance issues we take a temping break collectively?

ctk181

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PinkCamino said:

I wonder if in an effort to help the ladies like us who are struggling with anxiety and performance issues we take a temping break collectively?

Funny you should say this because I was just considering just going the NTNP route for a couple months. As much as I like knowing that my body is doing what it is supposed to, knowing when my FW is is kind of making me crazy and is definitely hard on my H.

ETA: typo

PinkCamino

ctk181 said:

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I wonder if in an effort to help the ladies like us who are struggling with anxiety and performance issues we take a temping break collectively?

Funny you should say this because I was just considering just going the NTNP route for a couple months. As much as I like knowing that my body is doing what it is supposed to, knowing when my FW is is kind of making me crazy and is definitely hard on my H. ETA: typo

I wont be temping this cycle for that very reason. I am using the CBFM so technically we're still "temping" or using OPKs I guess. I think I might put out a call to ladies who want to put down their BBTs for a few cycles and rally some ladies who want to take this break in a temporary check in.

peregrinefalconx

I feel your pain, ctk181. Last night I said to DH (who has only been working normal hours instead of 80 hours/week): After you watch the news, I would like some undivided attention. He flipped out and thought I was demanding sex. I just wanted some eye contact/actual connection time!

They really are under so much pressure. Especially when TTC is just one of many components of their lives that they view they are "giving to us". While we sit fretting, planning, researching, obsessing, they are trying to be supportive and trying to keep their own emotions about this thing in check too, while "providing for the family".

I hope you guys figure out a time or just surprise him by saying "it's cool. maybe next month will work out better." A lot of times, when we back off, it gives them time to reflect and not be reacting under pressure from us, and *they* get to make a plan and feel ownership.

Nikolie93

I am sorry for your frustrations and it's completely understandable. I have to agree with what the other ladies are saying here and I am glad I popped in. I very seldom think that MH may feel like a sperm donor so this was a good thing for me to read. 

I just recently started temping and I can totally see how it could impact things negatively for MH. It hasn't been hard as of yet because we are TTA at the moment. If we TTC again I will make sure I pay close attention to MH to see if it's putting more pressure on him. 

Good luck! 

MellyMel15

I'm sorry you're having a tough time. That sounds really frustrating <hugs>

rslh10

((Hugs)) lady. I am so sorry you're dealing with this on top of the bad schedule, too. More ((hugs))!!!!

Km380

(((Hugs))) PPs have given great advice. It's so easy to forget the pressure this puts on the guys. We defintely struggled in the beginning of the year. To the point we couldn't have sex in our bed. We had to go in a guest room. One thing that helped us the most is I stopped telling him when it was fw. I also put in extra effort to be with him when I knew it wasn't fw. Taking the pressure off not only helped him but helped us reconnect.
I know you're upset and that is so understandable. I hope you can talk to him though and acknowledge it's hard for him too. Another thing I've learned the hard way - acknowledging his struggle.

ctk181

Thanks again so much to all of you ladies! You are the best! After sleeping on it and reading all this great advice and support I am feeling a lot better and more logical about the whole situation. I know it is not the end of the world. I was just in a really emotional place last night. It's good to know I'm not alone. ((Hugs)) to all of you!