MIL Rant - Opinions? Sorry it's long

Klavanga74

I just need someone to vent to and an opinion that's not my husband's. It's long, so read on if you're bored, but skip if you're short on time!  

All of our family lives close by part of the year and they are all here now because of the baby.  I have a decent relationship with my in-laws but in the past couple of years my MIL has gone a little over the line several times and I had really distanced myself from them, which I'm sure she has sensed.  Anyway, they're here now and have been offering all kinds of help - offering to have the baby every Weds. and clearing out that day to have her despite the fact that I never asked them to and I never actually confirmed that , yes, I will actually take them up on that offer.  I have hired help every afternoon through December so that I can pay attention to my older two and get my stuff done, too, and then LO is going to a friend's house for care 2-3 days per week.  I never want to rely on my in-laws.

Well, this past week I had needed to run an errand near my in-laws house and although it would have been easier and faster to just take LO with me, it had been several days since they'd seen her and do I asked to drop LO off while I ran my errand.  In the meantime, my Mom asked if she could see the baby that day because she also hadn't seen her and they were leaving for FL on Sunday for a month and she wanted to snuggle time.  I couldn't do all of it and take care of my older kids (it was a day without anyone coming in to help) so I decided to cancel on my in-laws and invite them down for coffee or dinner two days later.  I figured this was acceptable and my MIL would understand but I was wrong.  She didn't say anything, but she's someone who's emotions are easy to read and she was clearly pissed.  LO's baptism was Saturday (so in the midst of this I'm also getting ready to have 25 people at my house for a reception) and I got the cold shoulder from MIL.  Not only that, but she cornered my Mom and questioned her on why they were going to FL when I'd already told her why...my Mom has leukemia and a secondary condition called Cold Agglutinin Disease which requires her to stay warm in order to keep her hemoglobin up.  And despite the fact that she knew they were leaving, she hogged the baby at the baptismal reception and I just learned that my Mom never got to hold her again after she came over Friday and now they're gone.  My Mom is very quiet and never would have taken the baby away from MIL.  

Dh and I had a conversation about the whole thing yesterday and he reminded me of "all they've done for us" and how they "bend over backwards".  However, this is precisely why I haven't asked for or accepted much of the offered help...I don't want to feel obligated or feel like I can't do what's best for me and my kids and the rest of my family without MIL getting pissed and me being reminded of how much they do for us.  I'm not a fan of strings attached.  

My dilemma now is Thanksgiving next week.  It's just them coming.  They wanted to host but a) I love cooking (although don't plan to do a ton of stuff from scratch), love Thanksgiving, and b) they live in a teeny tiny townhouse and having our older kids there is a pain in the ass.  There's nothing for them to do.  So we insisted. If all this hadn't happened last week, I'd be in touch with her about Turkey day and planning, etc.  and I'm sure I would have received phone calls or texts by now asking about the baby and wanting to visit.  I told DH I'm not reaching out to her.  Would you stick to that?  I don't want to be a total bitch, but there's a big part of me that wants to send the message that she can't fly off the handle at me over something that should have been understandable if she plans to spend time with her baby granddaughter.  

If you got this far...thanks for reading and thoughts?

ohioloveyou

Hmmm, my gut reaction is just to go ahead and reach out to her about Thanksgiving and hope that the babysitting issue can be forgiven/forgotten.  If MIL continues to be a notch about hogging time with your LO though, I think it would be time for a heart to heart.  I'm pretty much not a fan of confrontation, though, so take this as you will. 

What is it about a baby that makes people turn crazy?

Klavanga74

alfibet said:

This is tough because I understand both sides. The ILs are trying to help out and spend time with the baby, but you hired help instead. Then when you finally took them up on it, you said never mind because your mom wanted to see her instead. And I get why you wanted to let your mom see instead of them because of her leaving to Florida, but your ILs probably feel excluded. I'm not particularly fond of my ILs just because of their extreme alcoholism and other personal reasons, but I make sure they see their grand daughter often anyways, because they love her and it's not fair of me to exclude them. With thanksgiving coming I personally would put all the drama aside and work something out. Maybe if they host you can help cook? Or maybe talk to them about you hosting for ease of the kids? Sorry I'm not much help, but try and see it from your ILs side who probably feel left out on seeing their grandchild

I didn't do a good job of conveying- LO is almost 5 weeks old and they've seen her at least twice a week since she's been born except last week. Because she's super sensitive we have been careful to make sure they get time. Last week was the exception and that's why when I cancelled I offered to have them over Sunday. That didn't happen, though since she barely spoke to me at the baptism Saturday.

MrsSarahRenee

I would reach out - you offered to host and this isn't enough to justify silent treatment over.
Either address the issue or ignore it but either way, I think ignoring her is stooping to her immaturity.

Have your DH contact her if you don't want to talk to her.

Unknown

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angeltennis3

I think you are doing a great job of trying to keep your Inlaws involved without letting them take over your lives. It's a hard balance to find.

I second talking to your DH and coming to an agreement on how you want to handle inlaw drama. There are going to be weeks you can see them 2-3 times a week and there will be weeks you won't see them at all. If they are going to throw a tantrum every time they don't get their way, that's unacceptable.

My Inlaws were going way overboard with the constant checking in. They would want to know how many wet and dirty diapers she was having, how many hours she was sleeping, blah blah blah. They would freak out over every little thing and it made me feel like they didn't think we were capable of being parents. I told my DH they needed to back off or it was going to make me start not wanting to share anything with them. I think he said something because they have gotten better.

persephonerose

I don't blame you for not wanting to depend on them to watch LO. It seems like they have a habit of using guilt trips to get their way. Your husband seems conditioned to accept whatever bad behaviors they have because "they have done so much for us".  Your children should not be pacifiers for grandparents and his parents shouldn't attach strings to the things they do for you. That alone would make me not want to be around them or have my children around them. Those are behaviors I wouldn't want my kids to think are ok.

Since MIL sees it as a competition between her and your mom I would personally set very clear ground rules now. If you don't it will only get worse as time goes on.

Klavanga74

Klavanga74 said:

alfibet said:

This is tough because I understand both sides. The ILs are trying to help out and spend time with the baby, but you hired help instead. Then when you finally took them up on it, you said never mind because your mom wanted to see her instead. And I get why you wanted to let your mom see instead of them because of her leaving to Florida, but your ILs probably feel excluded. I'm not particularly fond of my ILs just because of their extreme alcoholism and other personal reasons, but I make sure they see their grand daughter often anyways, because they love her and it's not fair of me to exclude them. With thanksgiving coming I personally would put all the drama aside and work something out. Maybe if they host you can help cook? Or maybe talk to them about you hosting for ease of the kids? Sorry I'm not much help, but try and see it from your ILs side who probably feel left out on seeing their grandchild

I didn't do a good job of conveying- LO is almost 5 weeks old and they've seen her at least twice a week since she's been born except last week. Because she's super sensitive we have been careful to make sure they get time. Last week was the exception and that's why when I cancelled I offered to have them over Sunday. That didn't happen, though since she barely spoke to me at the baptism Saturday.

Not meaning to sound defensive...I did ask for opinions, but they do see her a lot.

Mewwwwws

I'm sorry that you are experiencing the IL drama. It's not easy but as a PP said, I think you are doing a good job of trying to include them in your LO's life to a reasonable degree.

 I think a lot of us around here have been having IL drama, at least I seem to read a lot of the posts as I have my own thing going w/ ILs -- so take what I saw w/ grain of salt b/c it's also me trying to sort out what I should do too...  

I guess I have a few thoughts - first is that I Absolutely agree w/ @Crawford411 -- you and DH have to be a united front, and not just in that he is agreeable to go along w/ what you say, but that he really takes ownership of whatever boundaries that you decide to set so that you are not always made out to be the 'bad cop'. 

Second, babies seem to draw out a lot of anxiety not just in the new parents but also grandparents too! In grandparents I think it can bring up anxiety about the things that they did as parents that wish they didn't, or things that they should have done but couldn't as parents. Mistakes made, but guilt that never subsided... and comes out in weird ways watching their kids become parents themselves. If you know what the key fear is of anyone it can make it easier to understand them, and also to communicate w/ them in a way that eases their fears and then makes them more manageable at the same time.  Like, if the MIL is scared of being abandoned by her kid who now has his own family, or if she's scared of being an old woman who's now irrelevant, etc -- whatever it is, trying to directly reassure that is not the case, I think can go a long way, like w/ reassurance that she will still see the kiddo two times a week, that you appreciate certain things that they have done for you, have no plans to more to FLorida too, etc. 

But, even you figure out the core fear and decide to address it, I would still stick to the boundaries that you decide on logistically - if doing holiday at your place is it, then go for it! I would still reach out to her since you said you would have anyway for planning purposes by this time anyway, to show that yes, you will have your boundaries, and that a tantrum won't change the boundary, but at the same times she is still a relevant part of your plans. 

Klavanga74

I guess I have a few thoughts - first is that I Absolutely agree w/ @Crawford411 -- you and DH have to be a united front, and not just in that he is agreeable to go along w/ what you say, but that he really takes ownership of whatever boundaries that you decide to set so that you are not always made out to be the 'bad cop'. 

Second, babies seem to draw out a lot of anxiety not just in the new parents but also grandparents too! In grandparents I think it can bring up anxiety about the things that they did as parents that wish they didn't, or things that they should have done but couldn't as parents. Mistakes made, but guilt that never subsided... and comes out in weird ways watching their kids become parents themselves. If you know what the key fear is of anyone it can make it easier to understand them, and also to communicate w/ them in a way that eases their fears and then makes them more manageable at the same time.  Like, if the MIL is scared of being abandoned by her kid who now has his own family, or if she's scared of being an old woman who's now irrelevant, etc -- whatever it is, trying to directly reassure that is not the case, I think can go a long way, like w/ reassurance that she will still see the kiddo two times a week, that you appreciate certain things that they have done for you, have no plans to more to FLorida too, etc. 

But, even you figure out the core fear and decide to address it, I would still stick to the boundaries that you decide on logistically - if doing holiday at your place is it, then go for it! I would still reach out to her since you said you would have anyway for planning purposes by this time anyway, to show that yes, you will have your boundaries, and that a tantrum won't change the boundary, but at the same times she is still a relevant part of your plans. 

Mewwwwws...I do think that she has been aware of us distancing herself over the last year or so, and as our kids were getting older and more involved in their own stuff, it wasn't such a big deal, but now with a new baby to love, it's a new ballgame.  

I feel badly in a way, but also feel like she's made her own bed.  Now, I'm rambling, but they have their 50th anniversary coming up and apparently spent a year thinking and planning on taking the whole family to Disney World on them, which is super generous and we are a family that does love Disney.  However, they didn't say anything until they were ready to book it a few weeks ago and they were insistent on going over their anniversary which happens to be testing week for our older two kids - the school basically warns you for a year to PLEASE not take your kids out unless they're sick at all that week. Plus, it's one of the busiest times of year for Disney and with a 5-month-old, it's just not something we felt we could do.  So we told them we'd love to go at another time.  DH broke that one to them, and they took it really well, but there could be residual hurt feelings from them on that one.  Oh well, you just can't please all the people all the time and mostly I'm just trying to look out most for me three kiddos, then DH, then me.  Sigh.  I think it's time to go snuggle a really cute baby to make me feel better!

griffers

Not much advice, but wanted to say we deal with something similar as far as the ILs being baby hogs. There are some other elements there as well like MIL going against what we ask as far as the baby's care goes because she thinks the old way is the right way. Luckily my H feels the same way as I do and is not afraid to tell her what's up. Your H should do the same. I think it probably perpetuates her behavior knowing she had him on her side.