Seriously....I want to throw a brick at him!

KirstenAlecia

The hubby that is. 

I got a call back from the hospital in our area where I want to deliver. If anyone remembers my post (PG over 35 board) about wanting a VBAC and being really upset at my entire communication with them, well they did get back to me. They put me on the schedule to see a dr. I had made an appt. with another Dr. but they were able to get me in just as soon......well almost. The next day. As you can imagine I am more than thrilled. It looks like the delivery I would like to have is at least a possibility at this point. 

Well, hubby is giving me all sorts of crap. This hospital is a a few miles farther.....although really not much. Less than 10 miles......really nothing. He says he doesn't like that hospital. He thinks Im not not correct in the fact that the hospital he would rather have me go is not one that supports moms who want VBAC....EVEN WHEN I TOLD HIM I HAVE SPENT LOTS OF TIME LOOKING INTO IT! He is not seeming to care that I REALLY REALLY don't want to go through the recovery of a C-section again if I don't have to. ITS HARD AND PAINFUL and i REALLY hated it. 

Maybe I am being selfish. Maybe I should consider him too....I mean this is his experience and his baby too......but I felt so strongly about this. 

He is also being a maniac about the testing. Im over 35 and he is arguing with me about the tests. I told him I would ask for the Harmony test  and I had read  that with that we could possibly skip the amniocentesis and he is telling me the more testing the better. Im getting mad at him for consistently worrying about things beyond our control anyway. He is arguing that he needs to be mentally prepared for anything that can happen....he thinks he need to be the one to be able to handle this for both of us because if "something" happens or goes wrong he thinks I will completely fall apart. 

I told him to stop it and lets just enjoy this. Lets go ahead and be happy. 

I know he wants to be a dad and he has been amazing. He has been helpful and till this.....trying to keep me from stress. Almost to the point that he worried that normal everyday stress is going to have some negative effect on me and the LO. No matter what i  do or say to reassure him, nothing  keeps him from these worries. I mean its sort of crazy. Im traveling to Texas this weekend for work and the travel plans were booked before we knew we were PG. He almost rented a car to drive out so that i wouldn't be alone and working too hard on my own. Im a wedding photographer so really its just one day of all day on my feet work.......honestly nothing thats not perfectly ok to do.....ON MY OWN still. Luckily I had a 15 hour day last weekend (with another photographer) and he saw I got through the day fine. 

I love him  and love that he cares........but I feel like he is only mentally preparing for disaster.  

niknak1208

I wish there were some sort of happy medium. Because I often feel like my hubby isn't sympathetic enough to what I go through or have gone through but at the same time I think your description above is a little bit too much caring.  It's hard because what he thinks is important too.  

In regards to delivery, I would hold your ground about that one.  That's something that husbands will never and can't ever understand and I don't blame you at all for not wanting to recover from a C again. I've never had one but I was induced with my last and was on pain meds because my stomach hurt SO bad from constant contractions.  I can't even imagine what a C feels like because I could hardly bend over or stand up without pain.  

My husband was always so so about stress. He thinks I whine too much and I'm pretty sure he thinks I over react so I would probably welcome that part. lol  Instead my husband has still been whining and begging for sex when he knows for the last 11 weeks and one day .. I've been sick to my stomach pretty much constantly!  

harmonicbabe26

Can't give you any advice on the hospital thing. But it seems to me silly to be arguing over this if it's only a few miles away. Plus you're so early in the game, you may change your mind OR need a cs after all. Hope you don't for your sake. Just keep telling him it's important to you. As for tests, simply explain to him, that amnio is not necessary if Harmony comes back with good results. Is he aware of that? Harmony is like 99% accurate. Amnio is ONLY needed if they need follow up testing due to positive results. And if that's the case, wouldn't you yourself want to have it done? Again, arguing over having it done before you even have Harmony results is pointless IMO. You will cross that bridge when you get to it.

KirstenAlecia

harmonicbabe26 said:

Can't give you any advice on the hospital thing. But it seems to me silly to be arguing over this if it's only a few miles away. Plus you're so early in the game, you may change your mind OR need a cs after all. Hope you don't for your sake. Just keep telling him it's important to you. As for tests, simply explain to him, that amnio is not necessary if Harmony comes back with good results. Is he aware of that? Harmony is like 99% accurate. Amnio is ONLY needed if they need follow up testing due to positive results. And if that's the case, wouldn't you yourself want to have it done? Again, arguing over having it done before you even have Harmony results is pointless IMO. You will cross that bridge when you get to it.

He does come at me with the argument that I may need a CS anyway. I told him I understand that it is a possibility. Arguing over a few miles is definitly silly. Honestly I think he is just looking for one more thing at add to his "side". He isn't agreeing on the accuracy of the Harmony test. I TRIED really hard to explain it to him......he wont listen. 

I think i may be just beating a dead horse with him.....he isn't listening. 

NeonNoon

It seems to me that your H's reactions have more to do with broader issues of anxiety, risk, and control, rather than the the choices themselves (testing, hospitals etc.)

I would invite him to talk about his feelings, how he is coping now, and what tools he has for coping if things don't go to plan.  You probably don't want to do this, because you might be thinking it's me who needs the support, but it'll probably pay off in the long run.

Also help him talk through what is and isn't under his control, and hence responsibility.  He may be assuming that it's his job to make sure that you and LO are perfectly safe.  It's important for you to express realistic expectations in that department.

Finally, it might be worth talking about pregnancy and birth being inherently risky.  While we have modern medicine to help us, no amount of testing or intervention can reduce the risk to zero.  Life just doesn't work that way.

My H had a different problem of being in denial.  With every passing month, he is making more and more of a transition of accepting that LO is really on his way.

Good luck and welcome to TX  Oh, and it's great that the VBAC hospital called back!

KirstenAlecia

@NeonNoon you are right on so many levels.

mindaa

Sounds like he (YH) may benefit by going to your first appt with the new Dr. Maybe the Dr. can better provide an "expert" view on why other Dr.'s are more likely to recommend CS, and why new doc is different. 

Could you also maybe schedule tours of both hospitals? Not that that's a solution, but might at least help to get him involved, show that you're considering his opinion and open doors to better discussion. 

URMySunshine77

(lurking from TTC > 35)

I agree with @NeonNoon that it sounds like your husband is suffering from anxiety. Do you think he would be open to seeing a counselor? I don't think it's good for him to be stressing you out over some things beyond your control.

Lady2010

I am sorry you are going through this.  I agree with pp that your husband is definitely just really anxious and protective.

I also HIGHLY recommend that he accompany you to some appointments - and to ask the OB questions.  I always have a list of questions that I prepare the weekend before the appointment and I review with DH to see what else he wants to ask.  You should definitely ask about the risks/benefits of doing amnio if you have normal Harmony results, etc.  

Good luck!  Hopefully as you progress further into your pregnancy he will calm down a little.   (totally not the same but any time I wince or say ow, DH freaks out and asks if I need to call the dr. - even though it is normal pregnancy discomforts - which at 29 weeks there is getting to be a lot of!)

KirstenAlecia

mindaa said:

Sounds like he (YH) may benefit by going to your first appt with the new Dr. Maybe the Dr. can better provide an "expert" view on why other Dr.'s are more likely to recommend CS, and why new doc is different. 

Could you also maybe schedule tours of both hospitals? Not that that's a solution, but might at least help to get him involved, show that you're considering his opinion and open doors to better discussion. 

I wish wish wish he could come with to the first appt. Sadly he will be in Virginia for work training. I do have his mom going with me in case they do an US and we hear a heartbeat. I may bring her in after my internal exam to hear the answers to my questions so she can relay them too. I will schedule hospital tours I think thats a good idea.

When i told him that IF they informed me Im not a good candidate for a VBAC I will go to the other Dr. and Hospital. Then he got all "well thats a wast of $$ cause we have a copay for the initial consult with a dr." Big FRIGGEN WOOPDEEDOO! Its $15! He is saying that Out of pocket we are paying like $1000 so everything needs to be considered. His extreme penny pinching is going to drive me bonkers as well. The extra 15 bucks the "fuel cost" for the 5 fricken mile difference between hospitals/dr visits. 

KirstenAlecia

Thanks ladies. Im sorry for the whiny vent.....im just upset. The blowout we had was just last night and Im still fuming over it today.

mindaa

KirstenAlecia said:

 I do have his mom going with me in case they do an US and we hear a heartbeat. I may bring her in after my internal exam to hear the answers to my questions so she can relay them too. I will schedule hospital tours I think thats a good idea.

Bringing MIL sounds like a great "compromise"! Vent away, sounds like a frustrating situation. At least it does sound like his reaction really is coming from a place of love and concern, even if he's not expressing it well

I didn't really involve DH when choosing a clinic either, because I figured we were both on board with a birth plan. (I did give him a rundown of all the options and my decision making process). So when he started questioning my choice after coming to an appointment, I got pretty defensive/upset too. 

That's when I decided that maybe we should both tour an extra hospital together (and/or a birth center)... even if we don't really have reason to switch, but we'll both be more educated consumers and it will be more of a "team" decision.

emikat

Ugh. I'm sorry you are going through this. It sucks to not have someone supporting your decisions. What bugs me is that these are invasive procedures that your H is talking about. In the end it's your body and its your choice to be put into surgery. I'd be taking a cab to my hospital of choice, but that's just me. Have you considered a doula? Just to have an advocate that's there for YOU always?

mandyreads

Oh that has to suck. Sorry you are having to deal with this added stress.
Hubs pretty much left it all up to me. Even when we switched Drs around 10 weeks. We are both not thrilled that we are back at the orginal hosptial of our choosing but apparently it is the best one for High risk.
I am just nervous about making it to any hospital when the time comes bc we are supposed to have a bad winter here.

KirstenAlecia

@emikat I have considered a doula and am going to be looking into that. 

ewenner

I don't have any advice to add - PPs have given you great suggestions - but I wanted to say that I'm sorry you're going through this and I hope you and YH can come to some agreement that you're both comfortable with soon.

xuxachi

I think your choice not to have a cs if at all possible is non-negotiable - you're the one who has to do the surgery. I would stand your ground. As for getting an unnecessary amino, I don't get that as there is risk there. I think your DH needs some time to work through his fears and you need to help him get educated. You have some good advice here, hope it goes well. GL

supersarah77

Ugh, that really sucks to feel not on the same team as your husband, especially about such a huge and stressful life event. He is important, and it's equally his child, but from a medical perspective you are the patient. In the end, you are in the drivers seat while the baby's inside you. I hope with his own research and in talking to experts, and maybe with some time, his anxiety will lessen and discussions won't be so stressful. MH often gets amped up over things from anxiety but with some time he relaxes and comes around. I just have to tell myself the first reaction isn't always the lasting one and give him time.

Does YH have any friends with kids he can talk to? Outside support may be helpful, like you're getting here.

tmorash

I don't think I have anything to helpful to add that others haven't already said, but I wanted to say I'm sorry to hear you're going through this -- I would be super frustrated as well. It is your body and while he should have input about the hospital, the final decision should be yours I think. Best of luck with it, and hopefully it's just a phase that you'll both work through quickly.

topaz7777

You could also take him with you to an appointment with a genetic counselor.  Mine was very good at explaining to DH the difference in accuracy with the NIPT tests and the amnio.  He was much more willing to listen to her expert opinion than mine.

marijaa333

I also agree with @NeonNoon

My husband was also full of anxiety. We both wanted to go straight to diagnostic testing (he more than me, but I was just a bit apprehensive about the procedure, although less so than I was about not knowing as much information as possible); however, if we differed on that, I think it would have been a difficult road.  Now that we got the results back and they are normal, he has really breathed a sigh of relief and is behaving a lot differently.

Can you work out a compromise, where you do the CVS or amnio, but he agrees to delivery at the hospital that does VBACs? I don't think you're being unreasonable AT ALL for wanting to avoid a CS if at all possible.

KirstenAlecia

Hey ladies.....sorry i was in Texas for work and want able to Bump while away. 

Thank you for all the advice and support. I tell you what it was nice to take a break and not argue with him. 

Im really hoping my appt on Friday arms me with lots of helpful info and I hope they will do the Harmony test and anything else available at the time since i will be 1 day shy of 11 weeks. 

Anything that i can show him to calm him would be amazing! 

marijaa333

How was your appointment yesterday??