The loner child

amieeyoung

My 9 yr old said that he feels lonely at school because no one wants to play with him at recess. He said sometimes he likes being alone (something he's done periodically at school from Kindergarten on), but that he'd like a few friends. He feels invisible (4th grade). I am currently pregnant with lil sister, and know he has worries about how it will go when she is born and is sometimes jealous about all the shower items that have been given to us. Overall, 4th grade hasn't been easy for him compared to the other years (socially), and I worry more now that he has mentioned feeling left out at school. He said the kids only know him as the "smart kid". I know he has a few friends but not close ones. 

Any suggestions to get him more outgoing or to help him feel less invisible? Should I ask the teachers how they see his interactions with other students etc?

neverblushed

This is certainly something I'd bring up to the teacher.   Sometimes smart kids can become isolated in elementary grades, especially if there aren't many other kids who share their interests.  It may be that the majority of boys in his grade love sports, while he'd prefer quieter or less competitive play, and he's having trouble finding like-minded kids. 

On the other hand a kid can be intellectually advanced but have poor social cognition.  I teach a kid in my current 8th grade who is like this.  This child is SO smart, but he cannot for the life of him stop saying things in a way that's off-putting to other kids.  He tends to state things in a way that comes off as critical to others and he never really listens or takes his turn in a conversation.  His only way of engaging with other humans is to tell them they're wrong or to correct them.  

The teacher is a great place to start.  If he's lonely because of limited choices and he just doesn't fit in, the teacher may be aware of like-minded kids and may be able to steer him to a likely buddy.  If the teacher knows to be on the lookout, she can arrange group work so that your son is put in contact with other smart but isolated kids in a context when they can come together in an area they all enjoy -- schoolwork.  Sometimes really smart but quiet kids just need help finding each other.

If, on the other hand, he just doesn't have fantastic social skills, you need to know that asap, even if it might be painful to hear.  Social skills and strategies can be taught to kids, and 4th grade is a great place to start, so they get a few years of help before heading off to middle school. 

amieeyoung

Actually, she called me yesterday (about him winning the class 4H speech coming up and telling me the next competition date) so I spoke to her. She said she hadn't noticed anything, but that she hadn't really been looking either. She had noticed that overall this 4th grade group wasn't developing strong bonds (except may a couple of kids). 

I had just intended to ask her to try and take notice for me to see what the issue might be. (In case he was being off putting by being a know it all or something - I agree if that is the case I'd rather know and help him learn those skills than hide from it).  She said she didn't think that was the problem, but she would looks. She also said it gave her a great idea to change their seating arrangements from rows to quads and to have a study buddy each week. She thought that since she hadn't noticed those strong bonds anywhere it could help more than just my son.

On the bright side one of the cub scout boys played with him a little at recess and he's got a buddy for the field trip today so we shall see how that goes. 

Thanks so much for your help. I'm hoping we can navigate some of this social stuff in the next couple of years before middle school... 

neverblushed

I hope it works out! Sounds like it's more related to a weird dynamic in the whole grade than to your son's social skills personally.

My son had a similar situation in 2nd grade.  He had formed a handful of solid friendships with some boys in his grade during K and 1st.  In 2nd grade, all these other boys wound up in the same class and my son was the only friends who was in a different class. He didn't really have any friends in the new class.  It would have been fine except that the grade was so big that one class had to have recess and lunch with the kindergarten classes.  His class was the one class that didn't have recess with the rest of the grade.  It was hard at first, but my son did eventually make friends with some boys in his his grade.

Hope it all works out for your son!

amieeyoung

Oh dear, yeah that would be hard. This year my son isn't with most of the kids he has been with before so that might be part of it. Honestly though he seems to go through spurts where it goes well socially and then stalls out so I'd really like to figure that out (without intruding- my goal is to guide him to figure out how to do better in social situations). 

He seems to do alright with the cub scout group and in his gymnastics class relating to other kids so maybe it is a class dynamic?

neverblushed

It sounds like it, based on the teacher's comments.  Also could be that he does better with small groups of kids.  A whole class could be a little overwhelming.

Has he had a couple of kids over to hang out?  Maybe offer to let him invite some buddies over to play or to go on an outing?  If he's had friends in past years and then drifted apart because they don't have the same teacher, it might be nice to firm up the connection a bit.

rsd12

We try to have a couple of new friends over each year from the classroom. Usually it is someone he has stuff in common with like playing sports or someone they just want to get to know better. We moved when my oldest was going into 1st so we had to start all over too.

amieeyoung

We have tried with little success. We are in a rural area so people are spread out and for lack of a better way to explain- a little backward. There are one or two that it just didn't work out with due to completely different schedules or something coming up. Hoping that soon we will have someone agree and it work out. When it doesn't he is devastated which is hard too.  

amieeyoung

Thanks for your input, gave me a lot to think about.

I do want to clear on thing up though - I love the kids, I like the parents- I said backward b/c they are a close knit group. Those who grew up here hang out and those who didn't are "transplants" so parents have a hard time allowing them to go to to each others house.. I hope that makes sense? So, while we would love to be more interactive we don't get a good response. The Cub Scout parents are warming up to us (I am cub master) so hopefully that will help and gymnastics parents are great (but most of the kids there are girls- E doesn't want to hang out with them so much).

He is getting a little interested in basketball so maybe if he does that it will make things easier as most boys are very sport oriented right now. 

He is very empathetic so I think he does a good job reciprocating at least with a few of the other kids as he will talk about discussions they have at school. I think he is just going through that awkward phase where he's trying to figure it out. It doesn't help that he is physically smaller than most of the kids and sometimes others pick on him (not severe, but words do hurt).

I do think there are times he comes off as a know it all and sometimes a goody goody so that might be a turn off for some kids. Plus now he has been labeled as the "smart kid". I have noticed him trying to transition into the 'funny kid' which I'm not sure how I feel about, but will watch and see how it goes.

Once again thanks so much ladies- most people I know (other than my mom and hubs) don't really want to talk about the social aspect of kids struggling. I appreciate the support!

QTee

It sounds like you are going in the right direction in helping him to facilitate friends I would keep trying the play dates and encourage activities that can help him make new friends. One thought, I'm not sure how strong the gender lines are at your school, but my daughter (4th grade, social skills are her strength) is friends with two boys from school who are awesome kids but their interests don't align with the vast majority of the boys at school. Maybe encourage him not to exclude half of his potential friends based on gender, unless playing with girls would be awkward ( we live in a liberal town).

emberlee3

QTee said:

It sounds like you are going in the right direction in helping him to facilitate friends I would keep trying the play dates and encourage activities that can help him make new friends. One thought, I'm not sure how strong the gender lines are at your school, but my daughter (4th grade, social skills are her strength) is friends with two boys from school who are awesome kids but their interests don't align with the vast majority of the boys at school. Maybe encourage him not to exclude half of his potential friends based on gender, unless playing with girls would be awkward ( we live in a liberal town).

Yes, I was mostly friends with girls from 1st through 4th grade.  We moved to a different neighborhood (same school) when I was in 5th grade. There were boys and girls close to my and my brother's ages.  We all played together every day.  I don't have any advice from the parent's perspective, since my oldest is only in kindergarten.