distant partner

jazdiaz

Me and my fiancé are expecting our first it was an unplanned pregnancy but I'm very excited! Very nervous but excited. My fiancé on the other hand i feel is extremely nervous. He never really wanted children in the first place so i feel like this pregnancy is very overwhelming for him and i am SO moody so that definitely doesn't help. Im either fighting with him because he rather sit on the recliner then on the lumpy sofa with me or crying because he brought me the wrong chips I'm just always upset for something or desperately clingy and I'm just a mess. I try to back off but its so hard lol. Does anyone have any suggestions for how you and your partner get through these crazy times. I feel like we have been so distant and i would hate for something so wonderful as starting a family drive us apart.

blu-eyedwife

I'm trying to think of a nice way to say this, because none of this is your fault, and I don't want to seem judgmental. 

You have a rough road ahead of you.  This is why you will often hear us counseling women from "tricking" their SOs into impregnating them  (and I am not suggesting you did that.)  Because a man who doesn't want/isn't ready to be a father is usually not a great team player in terms of pregnancy and child rearing.

There is always the hope that at some point he will have an epiphany, but expectation-wise, you are better off not planning for that.  I would be crystal clear in communicating your expectations from him and work on expressing what you really need (which may be less than what you want).  I would also recommend doing some sort of counseling so that you both have a safe space to express your thoughts and concerns

Trampslikeus

Everything @blu-eyedwife‌ said. I'm sorry, hopefully he'll come around, but I would at least have a plan in mind if he doesn't. It's not something you can talk someone in to, and some pregnancy mood swings on your part are certainly not to blame!

MJMum524

Pregnancy and newborn babies is hard, real life and absolutely amazing at the same time. Shit will not be easy. Your life will change. Hopefully your fiancé will come around. Be real, be yourself, express your emotions, don't blame yourself. Communicate. You can do it. Life is an adventure. It might take months/years but you guys will figure it out if it's meant to be.

Katerina&Baby

My BIL doesn't really like kids, didn't really want kids, and was pretty freaked out when my sister got pregnant - the second he saw my nephew, he did a 180 and is SO great with my nephew (he still doesn't really care for other people's kids - that won't change). I think it's pretty common for men to have a hard time connecting emotionally with their offspring until they see them. Be patient with him. I don't think he is probably going to be the most helpful this early in pregnancy (especially since he hasn't had much time to process and it's very abstract because you probably don't look obviously pregnant at this point (baby bloat aside)) but there is reason to hope that he will come around.

housewifebecomesher

Have you tried talking to him about how you feel? Maybe when you're in a good, energetic mood and can be a little less emotional? Maybe expressing some of your needs will help him to see that you are adjusting too. I agree with PP too, sometimes it is hard for men to process until they meet the baby. I think our emotions scare them a little too. You'll get through this. Keep talking to each other. It will be good practice for when baby arrives

housewifebecomesher

And one more idea, maybe find a way to make it "real" for him. He may be struggling with his role at the moment so even going to Babies R Us and walking around could help make the connection. It could also have the opposite effect but I think sometimes guys don't know how to be involved.

OMGTree

DH was super excited when I got pregnant with DD. But he struggled to understand my mood swings and nothing felt real to him. I took him to BRU and let him look at the baby stuff. He picked out a stuffed whale. I don't know what it was about that whale but it suddenly became real for him. He did his best to help me and would always point out the father/daughter things he wanted to do with DD. He wanted a child and it was still really difficult for him to adjust, some men do and some don't. I think other posters have given you great advice. I hope it works out for you guys, but don't blame yourself if it's just too much for him right now. You have every right to be excited.

KonaCoffeeBean

Trampslikeus said:

Everything @blu-eyedwife‌ said. I'm sorry, hopefully he'll come around, but I would at least have a plan in mind if he doesn't. It's not something you can talk someone in to, and some pregnancy mood swings on your part are certainly not to blame!

This exactly. He told you earlier in your relationship that he didn't want to be a parent, so plan accordingly. If his changes his mind, then even better.

alygator11687

housewifebecomesher said:

And one more idea, maybe find a way to make it "real" for him. He may be struggling with his role at the moment so even going to Babies R Us and walking around could help make the connection. It could also have the opposite effect but I think sometimes guys don't know how to be involved.

Kind of going off this, maybe getting him a book about pregnancy and going through it together would help. There's a lot going on and it's not really talked about until you're in the thick of things. Maybe it'll help him understand your feelings (in addition to you expressing them). I know MH feels pretty useless at times and I'd imagine it's a struggle all partners go through when their partner is pregnant.

ALITAYLOR23

I am so sorry. I hope things turn around. Wit baby number 1 she was a let's not prevent nor plan thing and he booked it right after I got pregnant and money and responsibilities came real. I went back to him after the baby was 2 months old and we were really great engaged working on a wedding and such and enjoyed being a family and found out we were expecting again and he hasn't exactly been the greatest this time around. My advice is sometimes it is easier to do it on your own instead of having someone there that doesn't want to fully be there. So have a plan in case things don't work out and you do what's best for you and that baby and if he wants to be there great if not let him run.