Christian Marraige Advice Please (long)

txbutterfly

Hi, I have been married almost 10 years and have 2 kids 4 and 5. I'm at stay at home mom with a small home based business. I am just trying to figure out if some of these things are normal and what to do about them. My husband is verbally abusive but it's only like once a week, something will set him off (usually messes or something not done right) and he will yell and call me names like slob or idiot. He criticizes everything I do and say and blames me for anything that goes wrong. But a lot of the time he's fine, not really nice but just normal I guess. He works full time normal business hours usually gone 8-6 or 6:30p but he hardly helps with anything around the house (sometimes he does the dishes but I do all the cooking and everything else, we even have a lawn service so he doesn't do that) He never really helps with the kids except for maybe once a month I will really need a break and he will take them to the zoo or something for the afternoon. He will usually just come say goodnight to them and sometimes help brush teeth but most some he doesn't even do that. He sleeps all weekend and I never get to sleep in or nap. He doesn't put any effort into our marriage like planning dates or even talking to me much, worst of all he has not been interested in me physically since even before kids except for once in a blue moon and I like to think I'm an attractive woman so I don't get it. I'm so sad most of the time about our marriage and when he goes into his yelling fits I get anxious for days. It has started to affect the kids and they say things like ' I have to protect mommy from daddy's yelling and I don't like daddy'. One of them started crying all the time at school after his last yelling fit in front of them. Recently I found out he also had racked up a lot of debt of a credit card and hid it from me. I looked at the charges and only saw balance transfers so I'm not sure what it is from, but I feel like I can't trust him financially now. I don't have any reason to think he is cheating but he just isn't open and honest. I even found out his car payment was $150 more a mo than he told me.  I have been going to counseling and he started with me about 6 months ago but only went twice before saying he wouldn't go. After the last blow up I told him either go to counseling or leave so he agreed to go to a different counselor but we will see if he does. I love him and know he loves me but we have so many issues it's hard and I don't know what God wants me to do. Praying he does go to counseling and changes because I really don't want to have to go back to work and leave my kids right now.

cyprissa

Going back to work is not leaving your kids. His abusive behavior is way more corrosive to your children then daycare or a babysitter. Have you discussed this with your therapist?

RondackHiker

This board isn't super religious, but I'll do my best.

God does not want you to live like this. You know in the bible where he says husbands should love their wives like Christ loves the church? Do you think Christ throws yelling fits and is verbally abusive once a week? Do you think he ignores the children? No.

Your marriage is very broken and your husband doesn't seem to want to fix it. This is already hurting your children. I don't know what you've heard about daycares, but there are excellent ones (and religious ones), and it would be better for them to get love there while you work than for them to continue to live with a man who abuses their mother.

LightBright515

Do you have a support system in place?

LadyXaverian

Does he recognize that he is being a slacker and an ass? Does he share your Christian faith and beliefs? 

The lying about finances coupled with the yelling/name calling are both pretty big non-negotiables in my house, so I'm not sure I'd be hanging in there with him much longer unless he was willing to make some major changes which will only happen through counseling and his own desire to do so.

angelashly

Everything @RondackHiker‌ said

Maebb

What @RondackHiker‌ said.

I am a Christian, and no, a verbally abusive husband who lies and does not help with the kids is not normal or acceptable IMO. It is really concerning and sad that his yelling is bad enough that your kids have commented on it. I would talk with a pastor and counselor ASAP to decide your next steps. If your H is not interested in changing or getting counseling, the next steps for me would be seriously considering separation. Sorry you're going through this.

MrsT0514

I think @RondackHiker‌ summed this up beautifully.

OP, I'm sorry you and your kids are dealing with such an awful and unhealthy cycle of abuse at home. It does not sound like your husband is interested in bettering your marriage. You absolutely should consider leaving and get yourself and your children somewhere safe and free from abuse. Do you have any family or close friends you can stay with?

KMRR86

@txbutterfly‌ I just had a quick look through your post history and to be honest, I think you should too. All of your posts with maybe one or two exceptions have been about how unhappy you are in your marriage and how awful your dh is to you. Your posts go back 4 years. This breaks my heart for you, have you been so unhappy for years? Is this the kind of life you want for yourself and the kind you want your children to see? Your kids deserve to see a happy mom and they deserve to be happy themselves. Please take a good long look at your life.... Is all this heartache worth it? I wish you the best.

alisonc87

Even "only like once a week" is far too often for any type of abuse. This is clearly having some effect on your kids, and it isn't healthy for either them are you. Also, what you allow in your home is what you are showing your children is an acceptable way for a man to treat a woman. You weren't specific, but if you have girls, would you want a man to treat them that way? Would you want your sons (if you have them) to treat their future wives that way? If you think this treatment wouldn't be good enough for your children, then love yourself enough to know that it isn't good enough for you. ♡

ShakeyJakey

I agree with everyone else. Do you have a pastor or someone in your church you can talk to? This is not how a loving husband treats his wife. Your sons and daughters will think this is how they should treat their wives and what they should expect from their husbands. Your H sounds like a sorry excuse for a man and I know you love him, but sometimes that isn't enough. He's making your life miserable and your kids too.

txbutterfly

Thank you for your replies. I did go talk to a pastor and he recommended my husband come in to talk to him too but he won't since he goes there sometimes. He said some of the same stuff everyone here is saying that God wants husbands to love their wives not belittle them. He said to try to get him to go to counseling too and that if he doesn't get help then a separation may be needed. He did say divorce is a sin like any other that would be forgivable especially if I'm protecting myself or my kids. However some of my Christian friends think that other than physical abuse or cheating there is no biblical reason to leave and that we should keep trying to get counseling. One even said divorce is much harder on kids than verbal abuse. Also my kids say the bad stuff about him after a rage episode but then when he's nice they love him.  It's confusing since he's nice most the time and  it's hard to know what is normal arguing and what is abuse, even though the counselor I've been seeing usually says its abuse when he name calls, etc. Does anyone have anything to say on not being interested in me physically? Not sure if it's related to the abuse like withholding or if he's just depressed and acting out in anger and withdrawing. He said he will go to counseling this week, so we will see.

Maebb

Your "friend" who gave you "Christian" advice that divorce is acceptable in the case of physical abuse but not verbal is wrong. I would challenge that friend to come up with the chapter and verse to support his/her statement. There are so many verses about the power of words and how the tongue can be a weapon, just like a sword.

This is good, Biblically-based advice: https://christiancounseling.com/content/is-emotional-abuse-grounds-for-biblical-separation

Verbal abuse can be just as (and arguably more) damaging to you and your children than physical. It's good that your H has agreed to go to counseling, but I would set some clear, definite boundaries and timelines, and if your H doesn't change soon, start taking steps toward separation. The emotional and spiritual well-being of you and your children is too important, and if your H is damaging that, he is not being the Christian husband or father he should be, and he needs to be held accountable.

Bythebeach09

@txbutterfly‌, I am currently living your life, for the most part. The only major difference is that H doesn't work (disabled), so he's home with me all day, everyday. Some posters on this board know about my situation and they have been very supportive and given me great advice. They are right. Everything they are saying is right. I know that. And I'm pretty sure you do, too.

H and I have tried marriage counseling, but once we started to get into the verbal abuse, he refused to go. We each go to separate therapy weekly and more often than not, it's not really helping. H calls me a fat bitch, a pig, disgusting...all in front of my kids, when "I piss him off". It's so bad that my 4 year old son has called me a fucking pig, when he's mad a few times. My kids are absolutely affected in a horrible way and it's getting harder and harder to shield them. They understand too much.

Regardless of my religion, which is Roman Catholic, the king of no divorce religions, I have been working the past few weeks in therapy on getting strong enough to separate. I want to separate. I don't want my kids to be with him everyday. I don't want to be with him anymore. It isn't an easy decision. It's the hardest one I've ever had to make.

I don't work right now because my H is ill and disabled and can't take care of the kids (nor do I want him to) and we can't afford daycare. I'm currently updating my resume and preparing to start job hunting. I'm a teacher and the market is rough here for jobs, but I have to try. I always wanted to be a SAHM, and I have been, but now I have to take care of myself and my kids.

The most important job I have, the ONE job God expects me to perform, is to be the best mother I can be and keep my children safe and loved.

Facing a decision such as this is NOT easy, but you've already done the first step-admitting to yourself that there IS abuse. The rest takes strength and planning. When you're ready to start planning a separation, your therapist or pastor should be able to guide you.

I'm so sorry.

Beevol

Big hugs to both @txbutterflyBythebeach09 - no one deserves to feel unsafe in their own home but finding the strength and courage to leave is one of the hardest things a person can do. 

A lot of times, I think we think that we need to push through it and persevere as grown ups, and maybe you can live with being called names and belittled, maybe you can live with a spouse who doesn't help raise your children, or one who is fiscally irresponsible and who lies to you, maybe you can live with dealing with a grown man's temper tantrum once a week or so. 

But ask yourself this: Can your kids? Do your kids deserve this? Do you want them to marry someone who treats them this way when they grow up? Do you want them to treat their spouse this way?

Keep seeing your therapist, and maybe try and find a support group of women going through the same things? Your friends sound like they might be wonderful people otherwise, but they're very judgmental and don't seem to be supportive at all. @txbutterfly it sounds like your pastor has a good handle on things; divorce isn't such a great option, but it's a forgivable option and it might be the best option/lesser of two evils for you. 

My parents were not abusive to each other but were very unhappy together and got divorced when I was 3 years old. I credit my happy, healthy, and strong marriage to the fact that I wasn't raised in an unhappy, unhealthy home. I'm not a big Dr. Phil fan, but he's right on the money; it's better to be from a broken home than to live in one day in and day out. 

NotSharknado

You said you have no reason to believe he's cheating and I'm sorry but he's showing clear cut signs that he is cheating. I bet dollars to donuts he is.

Your kids come before all else, even your religion. Do you really want to be this unhappy for the rest of your life?

I grew up in an abusive home and at the age of 34 I still cringe every time I think back to those days. Trust me, you are doing your kids a huge disservice by staying with this piece of shit. Get out and don't look back.

Btw, 9 out of 10 times verbal abuse turns into physical.