Is there a man out there that understands?

kelbel2440

Dh has been wanting to go out downtown and drink and have fun, so I gave in tonight. Had a good time. When we get home he shuts off all the lights like we are going to bed. Um noooooo now I have to pump. Will there ever be a day that dh understands the sacrifices we take for our LO? Not only do I have to pump for the next half hour when all I wanna do is pass out..... Then I have to dump it, when my supply is already low and LO is at grandmas sucking down my freezer stash! He don't get it. Don't think he will ever understand.

kelbel2440

Ps.... This may be a slightly drunk rant. 8-}

edoliesmom

I might get a lot of crap for saying this, buuuut I'm going to. It's hard for me to have sympathy for you since you chose to drink. If you're going to do it, fine, but I don't see how it's a sacrifice for your baby when it wasn't a necessity. It's just a choice you made for yourself, and now you have to follow through with the aftermath of that choice.

Dixon813

I'm with you. While, yes, it was your decision to drink, I don't think a lot of people really get the struggle/hassle of it all. What's helped me is learning to let go. Let go of the possibility I might not pump enough milk while LO is away but I'm going to enjoy the time with my DH.

kmos816

I get it.... I had to pump in a car before a concert last night; not fun but I tried to not let it ruin My time.
Be thankful you are able to drop your lo off for a night!

hordol

@edoliesmom‌ She did choose to drink and dump the milk, but I don't think the rant was about having to dump milk but rather that her husband doesn't understand that she can't just go home and pass out and since he has been wanting to go out for a long time, the dumping is why this can't be done on the regular.

No, men generally don't get pumping very much. They think it's easier than it is. But ahh well...what can you do. I doubt your DH was trying to imply anything unnecessary by going home and getting things ready for bed, he was probably drunk too which doesn't usually help people remember that stuff.

Hope it was a good time!

ETA clarification

momofmanyinthemitten

Men won't ever get it because they just don't have that mother's intuition. DH always eats before thinking to ask if the kids are hungry. After spending several hours in the ER pregnant with dehydration from the stomach flu, I was the one who stayed up the rest of the night with DD1, who started puking at home when I was being discharged. I am the one who gets up with all the kids in the MOTN. He never wakes up thinking about what meals need to be prepared that day or what household chores must be completed. At first, I was very resentful, but now I'm more understanding about it. I'm the one who stays with the kids full time, so I know what their needs are. So, long story short, no they will never fully get it because they are not women.

hlm184

I get resentful sometimes.  It's like his life changed about 50%, sometimes less.  Sometimes a lot less.  Mine is 110% different.

UnofficiallyLO

I don't think they will ever truly get it, I'm slowly realizing that's part of being a Mom, doing it all. My SO is super helpful but obviously doesn't get the extent of what I accomplish all day while watching the baby, when he has the baby all he's doing is watching him.
And good for you that you went out and had a good time and (gasp) had a few drinks then pumped like a normal, responsible Mom, our kids are 6 months not 6 weeks.
ETA- SO is always telling me how thankful and appreciative he is but I think in the near future I'm going to leave him with LO for a few hours with a short to do list so he can feel the extend of his appreciation. I'm sure sober and in hindsight yours may realize as well

Teresa1896

Nope, he will never understand. Pumping, scalding milk (lipase issue) and washing bottles/pump parts are so miserable, and he doesn't even understand how time consuming they are. Even after 2 kids.

juniper75

My DH doesn't get it either. He always wants me to have drinks with him and pouts when I don't. He thinks I am just a buzkill and overly cautious.

Jessimax

The day I came home from an outing and he tells me "there is something wrong with your frozen milk bags, they all have holes in them" he had been putting the bags in boiling water and, surprise surprise, they sprung leaks. He went through 5 6ounce bags this way like it was no big deal. I almost killed him that day.

ambarnett1

I understand. DH wants me to not even try BF or EP for this next LO because it was such a hassle last time.

nicole mackenzie

You could wait till you'd metabolized your alcohol and then pump and not dump. Also pumping before going out to start empty.

I have to ask DH to wash my pump stuff. He'll wash everything but! I asked him why once and he said he was afraid to do it wrong. Lol.

edoliesmom

@hordol I get that, but it all stemmed from something that was a choice... I could explain further, but I won't. I'm usually silently judgy on here, but I'm going to blame my boldness on sleep deprivation. I'll be better about keeping my opinions to myself next time. Bye! :-h

hordol

Haha no @edoliesmom‌ you don't need to keep your opinions to yourself! I just thought maybe you interpreted her dilemma as that her DH didn't understand how hard it was for her to pump milk and then dump it, when really I *think* that was more of a symptom of an overall issue but idk, she hasn't really clarified.

RedDawnsRevenge

I guess in this my DH understands the difficulties of pumping. He may be clueless on much else but I think he gets this. We have a tiny house so I've pumped in front of him for 2.5 years. He asks me when we go places, like car trips if I need to stop and nurse or pump. And the man does not waste milk.

Talltrees82

Maybe he forgot you had to pump? Because it was late and he had a few drinks? Did you want him to hang out with you while you pumped?

kelbel2440

Thanks for all the responses ladies. Yes, my gripe was not at all with the fact I had to pump and dump. I realize that's a choice I made, and I fully wanted to make that choice to go out and have a few drinks and let loose as it's been 6 months and we have had one successful overnight with grandma and that was 4 months ago. And yes, I did everything I could in order to preserve as much milk as possible. Pumped before going out, just pumped to relieve the pain before bed, etc. the gripe was about dh, and he is fully aware of the necessity to pump. He just makes no acknowledgement of all the work that goes into a "simple night out". That is what I was so frustrated with. Because he acts like our lives haven't changed from when we were childless and we can just go about everything as we used to.

kelbel2440

I appreciate everyone's points of view.... And I don't try to let him off the hook. It's more of an ongoing issue of me trying to make him understand all that I do .... working a full time day job, and then coming home and doing all the things necesary for baby and him and the house, etc. it generally was just a rant and it's nice to hear others have the same experiences with their dh as well.

dmosquera4

is the D in DH for Dick? sometimes i think it is... they willl never get it

*sparky*

I understand you were buzzed when you wrote this and that yes it is frustrating at times that men can just walk in, shut off the lights and go straight to bed. Last week DH and I went out and I pumped in bed with the lights on when we got home so he did not have that luxury. I make sure he is fully aware of how much work goes into BFing.

Trgree1712

I'm sure I am going to get blasted for this, but I think you just need to get over it. I don't think fathers will ever understand how hard it is to be a mother but constant bitching about it won't change anything. I think letting things go also may be healthy for your relationship as you are always posting how unhappy both you and your husband are.

hordol

So if your husband never takes time to understand your point of view you should just get over it and let it go? Heaven forbid he ever try to see things from his wife's perspective. I've been doing this wrong!

A once in awhile thing? Sure, let it go if that makes it easier for you. Ongoing issue? Probably the worst thing you could do is let it go. Husband and wives BOTH have an obligation to try and understand the other. He doesn't get a pass just cause "men don't get it."

edoliesmom

And I thought MY comment would be controversial. :-j

Trgree1712

@dani+california‌ sorry I don't post often enough for you to know who I am but I do read a lot of the posts on here. She has posted several times about she and her husband fighting. She also posted a few weeks ago about how her husband made the decision to stop saying "I love you" and that she was going to have a conversation about if they even wanted to stay married.

Trgree1712

@LalaMama81‌ I have a wonderfully supportive husband and no my expectations are not low. Also her husband wanted to go out yes but no one said she had to drink. She made her choice to do so. What is her husband supposed to do hold the pump for her. Get over yourself.

JessieAlbin

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Trgree1712

No I never said men suck. I said they don't understand what it is like to be a mother. And yes I do think she and a lot people on this board need to let things that their husbands and significant others go sometimes. People make mistakes and do things without thinking. Not everything is done with malice.

Jodash24

I don't think men actually think of all the things involved with looking after your children and house. My partner helps around the house, he's fantastic with lo but he just ''misses' things out, eg- not ever thinking about Laundry, sterilising bottles, food shop etc. it's so annoying.

LaurStar25

Some husbands are more understanding than others?  Mine tries his best, bless his heart!  However, no one will understand the sacrifices a mother makes besides another mother.  We all know how hard it is and how much of our lives revolve around our families.  I would love to hear the experience of a family with a SAHD though!

kelbel2440

Well I suppose that's what ya get with a message board of strangers. @Trgree1712‌ I'm flattered by how in tune you are with all of my posts about my marriage. Yes my husband and I have had a lot of problems. Hence trying to get out and enjoy a night together, which again may I repeat I willingly went out and as someone put it (gasp) drank and had to pumping dump. I wanted to do that, it still doesn't make it any easier to dump. But I made the decision to let lose and enjoy some time out. I use this place as somewhere I can turn to talk talk about hard times because I figure out of anyone out there, there's a good chance someone on this board could relate. Unfortunately there are people like you who instead of offering constructive criticisms or better yet some advice, choose to just call me out for talking about my problems. However, you will be happy to know that I did talk to my husband, and I am over it. Now can you please take your own advice and get over my problems as well. Thanks everyone else for your responses. I do believe this will be the end of my bump road. It's been fun, but I'm sure Google can offer the same amount of answers with much less critiscm. Good luck with all your LO's and the exciting things the future holds!

ambarnett1

See ya. :-h

penguinjenny

@lia619‌ I am laughing hard at that. I have tears running down my face.

kelbel2440

Lol, I'm sure I will still read posts since I have gotten some really good info from many others questions. But to be judged by so many people as if they know the full story of my life? Doesn't seem worth it. I will say I have always appreciate the popcorn worthy fights, however I don't want to be the cause of them

Ashleypixie

celticlullaby said:

I didn't get the impression "so many" people were judging you. I think the only person I judged on this thread is the dad who forgets his kids need to eat.

Yea seriously, can we revisit this one? There may be things to "just let go" but nothing in that post applies. You don't forget to feed your kids because men are just not women.

Bluebird2318

This whole thing was ri-fucking-diculous. I haven't been around much lately, but @kelbel2440 I hope that if you choose to leave it's not because of a couple distasteful comments. If you think you could gain something by staying, I hope you do. 

@edoliesmom The OP wasn't just complaining because she had to dump boozed up milk. That was a tree, darling. There's a forest around here somewhere... Even if that was the problem, the fact that someone already committed herself to going out and then dumping the milk doesn't make it easy. I went on a cruise a couple weeks ago that DH and I had been planning since before this baby was even born. I knew I had to pump and dump and I accepted that for the many months leading up to that cruise. It still sucked, and I still hesitated every time I had to dump 7 oz. of breastmilk down a stateroom sink or an airport toilet. I even complained to my friends once. Oops? 

The problem was about her husband expecting that she can just come home from a night out and go to sleep, when the fact is that she can't because she has to worry about her supply. Unless she wants to send her supply down the toilet along with that milk, it's just something she has to do and he should make an effort to understand that.

@Trgree1712 You point out that the OP has posted about serious problems in her marriage and yet you condemn her for not "letting things go"? That is the most incongruous bullshit advice I've heard in a minute. Yes, there is a time and place to let things slide, but if you're so aware of her marital problems then you should know there's probably more to it than that. But hey, at least you were able to bring them up on a message board to make yourself seem right. That's what counts.

Rogue237

I gotta jump on with @Bluebird2318 on this one. First of all, holy Holier-than-thou judgmental, @edoliesmom. I mean, I would be with you if she was complaining about just having to dump milk because someone else shoved vodka down her throat, but obviously there was much more to the situation than that. We do sacrifice things for our babies - some are 'choices' and some are not. And just because you decided to go out on a date night with your husband and had a little too much fun under your own accord, doesn't mean you can't feel a little sad to pour milk down the drain. @Trgree1712 - I think it's been covered. I think saying anymore would be talking to a wall anyway.

And, as many others have said, WTF is seriously up with these man-child husbands? Does my husband physically understand how much pumping and breastfeeding SUCK? Of course not, but you bet your ass he's respecting the sacrifice that it takes. He's pulling his weight. He's washing the pump parts and bottles. He's feeding our baby before himself and he's getting up half the night. I honestly don't get this "oh, silly men!" attitude. Whenever they portray it on commercials, TV shows, etc., DH gets annoyed because it's ridiculous and real men don't act that way. 

Bluebird2318

@Rogue237 I'm with you re: the "helpless father" trope, but as far as childcare goes I've found this one to be true:

Rogue237

Bahahahhahahahha - this is father alone with baby in our house. See? She can just eat around herself. 

edoliesmom

@Bluebird2318 Yeah, I get that that's not what the whole post was about as it was already pointed out to me. Am I not allowed to comment on a specific thing within the big picture? I was saying it was hard for me to have sympathy to the entire situation because of the choice that she made, so it was relevant to my opinion on the whole matter. Whether or not she drank, she would've most likely had to go home and pump in order to keep up her supply. So the issue of wanting to go home and go straight to bed but not being able to and being irritated with her husband for not realizing that she had to do pump I can sympathize with. But knowing that she has a low supply, and then saying that her baby is with grandparents sucking down her freezer stash and then having to dump milk instead of being able to replace what her baby was using up and then complaining about it (or, that's how I interpreted it initially but have since been corrected) is what I was judging.

I really didn't want to explain myself because I knew that it would just put me deeper into the hole I've dug for myself, but I felt I needed to defend myself. I personally would feel a lot of guilt if it was me in the situation, so it's hard to not feel judgment for something that I feel strongly about or would have a strong emotion toward. Am I justified in the way I feel? Maybe not. I'm not perfect. Like I said previously, I'm usually silently judgy and will continue to be in the future, especially so that I don't get myself into a mess when I misinterpret things like in this situation.

I'm glad the OP got 10x more sympathy and support than negative reactions and truly hope she's not GBCBing.