Company and a newborn baby!!

womberptyof4

My fiancé just informed me that his best friend and his wife and two small children are planning to come stay with us for a week when the baby is 6 weeks old. I absolutely lost my mind on him...he has no idea how sacred this time is and it just pisses me off. We have no guest bedroom and no place for them to stay. He said they could stay with my parents who have an extra room but they have never met them before. Why are men so stupid? Not to mention it's the middle of winter and I don't want people in my home very often to avoid getting baby sick. Am I being irrational? Man I am frustrated...

BookitBoo

He should have talked to you. And the lack of extra space would be an issue for me.

I also really appreciated when family and friends came to stay, but we had plenty of space and everyone spoke about it to begin with. Not everyone wants or needs visitors during the first few months.

robsbabygirl08

Um, I would've lost it on DH as well. I'm having a hard enough time dealing with my IL's coming to stay at the end of January, add kids to that and I would go insane. IF they do come, I hope they provide a lot of help, support, and also give you the space you will need.

NatureLovers

I would have flipped. And that lady should have known that this needs to be cleared through you, not your FI. What are you going to do?

Jellybean707

I would have flipped my shit if DH did this. This would be something we need to discuss regardless of whether there is a newborn in the house or not. Are you going to have him "undo it" or just deal?

honeybeee3

Oh wow I would be really upset if my hubby didn't ask me first. If it was me in your situation, I would ask my H to call them and cancel.

Tauristar

Not sure how old the kids are, but it'll be flu and RSV season. I err on the side of no kids other than siblings during that time of year. Not to scare you, but my little guy had the flu at 3 months and we spent 4 days in the hospital. Now my little guy was a premiee, but I have a friend who's baby got RSV at 4 months and it was horrible/required a hospital stay. Follow your instincts!

stephchris0321

No, this is not ok, especially if you don't have a guest room!

llambrose

I would have been pretty mad too. I love visitors if I have space for them but if I don't I just think of how awkward and uncomfortable it will be for everyone involved.

LaBellaVida

Nope. Nope. Nope. This isn't OK, and certainly would fly around here. My husband is the same way! He never thinks things through and assumes everything will be OK with me. He's been married to me for over 10 years, you'd think he'd know by now to run shit through me!

Plus, I ALWAYS clear it with the other woman first. Just to double check, because I'd hate to be put in a position where I was making someone feel uncomfortable, esp in their own home!

And 6 weeks!? That's still too soon IMO.

Milagros315

NatureLovers said:

I would have flipped. And that lady should have known that this needs to be cleared through you, not your FI. What are you going to do?

Yeah this. I'm surprised the wife would think this is a good idea. Maybe she doesn't know the guys are planning it?

I think you still have plenty of time to put a stop to this. Tell them the timing isn't great and that it would be more fun if they could visit in the spring or summer when you guys are more settled. That's what I would do.

womberptyof4

Yeah I pretty much flipped out already and it was not pretty! I did forget to mention this is my second child and his first so I know just how important and hard those first weeks are. The way I see it...that my maternity leave and my only time I will get to spend bonding with my newborn child...having someone Staying in my home for a week when space is limited
as it is is just going to make things stressful. I love company and love to entertain but it's not relaxing for me and he just doesn't understand that. Having three children under the age of 6 running around my house and trying to get acquainted with a newborn is just not my idea of a good time. Lol

SSCmomma

You definitely need to put your foot down on this one. If ge tries to wriggle around to make everyone happy and suggest they still visit with alternate accommodations you will need to calmly explain this is not an option and he needs to politely rescind his offer to his friends until you are BOTH ready for company.

BackseatDriver

My son was at his most fussy around 5/6 weeks. Having guests would not have worked to all. I would have preferred guests at 2 weeks. I think your husband definitely needs to rescind his offer. I'm sure they will understand.

Britt1406

I wouldn't mind visitors at 6wks IF I had the room and none were sick. Since you've already mentioned that you don't have the space, I'd suggest that he speaks to them and tells them to arrange something else. I do think he should have def asked before telling them it was okay though. 

britb618

I'm sorry. I would just tell him he needs to cancel or see if they can stay at a hotel. It is inappropriate for him to EXPECT your parents to host his friends. If it was his parents, that's one thing. But totally inappropriate. While we had people visiting and staying with us with our LO and we had NO space, it was people who I was comfortable with having in my home and who knew what they were getting into, and they stayed like a DAY, not a week! That's just crazy! 

Kind of unrelated but my husband pulled something like this yesterday, he has field training for the week after my c-section...and wanted to know if that was something we could work around? Um we will have an 18 month old who I can't carry and a newborn and the day I get out of the hospital you are going to be busy for a week..NO THAT'S NOT OKAY! But of course he doesn't ask his mom to take off of work, fortunately my mom will make it work and stay up here for two weeks. Why is it men just always assume "we can make it work"?

southernyankeegirl

Ugh! No!!!!

My FIL keeps trying to finagle his way into renting a nearby house for the entire month of February. All our family lives over 1000 miles away, so everyone has to fly in to visit. I appreciate that he wants his own space because NO ONE is welcome to live with us for a whole month, but I don't want to share DH's paternity leave with anyone - FIL think it's great to come spend time while DH is off work, but that isn't time for anyone except with our son! Mostly he'll just want DH to go spend every day at the bar with him and will pout when DH says no.

I keep telling him March, not February, but he just isn't listening. DH isn't being firm enough for my taste and it's driving me nuts! If he allows it at all, we will be having one of the biggest issues of our marriage to date.

LuckyPenny1231

Nope! He should have asked you to start with, you don't have the room, you will have a newborn, it's flu season, and for a whole WEEK?! No. They need to get a hotel or find a different place to stay.

Edvent

Nope! Any company at 6 weeks is stressful, and you have no guest room, and they have kids... just nope!

jneden

No you're not being irrational at all. Having house guests is stressful. I said no to a situation like this when my husband's freind asked if he could stay with us. However, we worded it like... I don't think you will want to stay here because we will have a newborn and she may be up crying several times throughout the night and it might wake up your kids. They got the point. LOL  

Samiantha101

I don't really see what the big deal is. It's your husband's home too. Having a young baby doesn't mean life has to stop. Maybe you will actually enjoy the company.

TXUltraRunner

Samiantha101 said:

I don't really see what the big deal is. It's your husband's home too. Having a young baby doesn't mean life has to stop. Maybe you will actually enjoy the company.

THIS

GromMom

I would be upset and if he doesn't ask them to stay elsewhere I'd be taking baby to visit my parents that week alone. I know visitors can be helpful but I found anyone who visited even for a meal insisted in making it "easy"for me by bringing food, which I then had dishes for 6 instead of two to deal with. How that's easier than going to a restaurant is beyond me. I'm with you in this one

NatureLovers

Samiantha101 said:

I don't really see what the big deal is. It's your husband's home too. Having a young baby doesn't mean life has to stop. Maybe you will actually enjoy the company.

And it's also her home, and out of consideration for each other, you do not invite house guests without running it by each other first. Also, life doesn't stop forever, but it does for the first several weeks with a brand new baby. Finally, he offered HER parents house for these people to stay in, without asking her parents permission, and these people are strangers to each other. I can't believe you don't get all the things wrong with this situation. Even naive first time moms know this is a bad idea.

Samiantha101

NatureLovers said:

Samiantha101 said:

I don't really see what the big deal is. It's your husband's home too. Having a young baby doesn't mean life has to stop. Maybe you will actually enjoy the company.

And it's also her home, and out of consideration for each other, you do not invite house guests without running it by each other first. Also, life doesn't stop forever, but it does for the first several weeks with a brand new baby. Finally, he offered HER parents house for these people to stay in, without asking her parents permission, and these people are strangers to each other. I can't believe you don't get all the things wrong with this situation. Even naive first time moms know this is a bad idea.

You're a FTM, correct? Not everybody has the luxury of stopping life, even the first several weeks, of their baby's life. If you choose to have a second, you'll understand better. Aside from that, at what point is it ok to have houseguest? 6 weeks seems, in my opinion, to be several weeks after baby's birth.

As for houseguest, well, each couple handles things differently. In my household, close friends and family are always welcome, always. I just cannot fathom having a partner who thinks it's acceptable to dictate who/when can stay at my house.

britb618

@samiantha101, pulling the second time mom card is kind of irrelevant here. Its about the husband asking do you mind if people stay here for a week; not about whose home it is and not about whether or not she's been a mom before. Its called consideration and her husband didn't give her it. I also love having people around but my husband is considerate enough to ASK do you mind if we have so and so over, and that is just for dinner or something. Its not asking a lot to expect your SO to have a discussion with you before they go and invite people to stay at your or YOUR PARENTS home for a week. 

Disneygeek77

:: shrugs ::

I'm a third time mom and I wouldn't be having that.  I have been through the newborn period too many times to know I would be miserable with that many people in our home.  Now, I also had c-sections too and I was still bleeding at 5 weeks post partum.  

I guess my husband and I have an agreement that we always ask the other person if it is ok to have overnight guests.  I mean one person staying for one day we wouldn't, but anymore than that we will have a discussion about it.  

literarymuse

Samiantha101 said:

I don't really see what the big deal is. It's your husband's home too. Having a young baby doesn't mean life has to stop. Maybe you will actually enjoy the company.

And it's also her home, and out of consideration for each other, you do not invite house guests without running it by each other first. Also, life doesn't stop forever, but it does for the first several weeks with a brand new baby. Finally, he offered HER parents house for these people to stay in, without asking her parents permission, and these people are strangers to each other. I can't believe you don't get all the things wrong with this situation. Even naive first time moms know this is a bad idea.

You're a FTM, correct? Not everybody has the luxury of stopping life, even the first several weeks, of their baby's life. If you choose to have a second, you'll understand better. Aside from that, at what point is it ok to have houseguest? 6 weeks seems, in my opinion, to be several weeks after baby's birth. As for houseguest, well, each couple handles things differently. In my household, close friends and family are always welcome, always. I just cannot fathom having a partner who thinks it's acceptable to dictate who/when can stay at my house.

The point at which you should have a houseguest will differ family by family. Also, there's a difference between "not stopping life" and having a houseguest. Having people come to visit is rather out of the ordinary, in my opinion, not part of every day life. 

Also, I agree with what PPs have said. It's not about it being one person's house or the other. It's about discussing things together and then coming to a decision. The problem here is that the OP's fiance made the decision without there being a conversation between the two of them. That is inconsiderate. 

Lastly, this visit is planned for 6 weeks after the EDD. There is no guarantee that is when the baby will come. What if this baby comes a week and a half late? What if they baby comes really early and needs a lot of care? There's just so much up in the air. I would never chose to have four additional people come stay with me that soon after the baby is born, especially when two of them are children and there's no place for them to sleep that is out of the common area. 

NatureLovers

Also, your point that not everyone has the "luxury" of having life stop for a few weeks after a baby is not relevant here. For things that are necessities like work, illness, etc, yes those things cannot be avoided. But having a completely unnecessary visit from 4 people is absolutely something non-essential that can be skipped at this crucial time. You must be a real peach to live with if you feel you owe your husband zero consideration regarding houseguests. If you want to live a life that allows you to operate independently with no thought for anyone else, stay single.

HStrawberry

We have always had an open door policy with regards to house guests, everyone is welcome. Since we moved away, lots of friends and family come to visit (usually at least once a month someone visits). We have a tiny tiny house that we are renovating ourselves so people know they may be sleeping on the floor, couch, etc, and that it may be crazy. However, anything more than a few nights (2, maybe 3, depending on who the guest is) always gets approved by both of us. My husband would never dream of saying yes that close to my due date without checking first (even if it was just 1 night). I think it is definitely more of the woman's decision in this case since she is the one who will be healing, etc. I personally would be ok with adult guests but not kids running around.

womberptyof4

Just an update: fiance and i have since spoken on this matter when we were much less tired and angry and he explained to me that the wife had not been involved in the planning and that it was just him and his best friend discussing dates (men!) so we all know that they were not thinking about my feelings as much as they should. However, he did not tell them they could stay indefinitely he just said he would speak to me and we would see what we could do with maybe asking my parents if they could stay there...which that idea has been squashed! My dad has zero patience for his own grandchildren let alone a strangers rug rats. lol. So we are working things out and I am much less mad at him now that he explained himself thank you ladies so much for the advice and support! 

MichaelSC28

Okay... I agree that it is your DH's house just as much as yours...however there is also common courtesy to ask your partner about inviting anyone over to stay, ESPECIALLY if they are offering "your' parents as an alternative. 

He should of asked you its common courtesy, hell you would ask a roomate.

BTW my DH almost did the same things with his friend and their 2 kids. I happen to hear him on the phone and asked they wanted to come like 4 weeks in and I had to say absolutely not this is my first and I will not be stressed out trying to be host. I would feel better holding off till she gets here and I figure out how we are handling our new life with her. 

MichaelSC28

saiven said:

Random sidenote...I laughed out loud..because my brain automatically gave the octopus a voice.  :P

Aillise

I would be unhappy if my DH didn't check with me before inviting a whole family to stay with us shortly after having a baby.

I'm not expecting company but I know that I am expected to show LO off to everyone and I'm not ok with that either. I am dreading my FIN (MIL) after LO is born. When my son was born she had me bring him to 3 different houses the day he came home from the hospital. She drove so I didn't have a say. Then I had to bring him over to her house every day after that.

 It is NOT happening again this time. It will be winter. She lives a few streets away from us but If I am not up to it, we aren't going. But I am fully prepared for arguments of why cant my DH ( her son) bring LO over if I do not want to go?..

Because I am not ready for her to go anywhere without me, also I am breastfeeding, and not planning on using pacifiers.  I will not be comfortable having her out of the house with out me, being so young. And just no.

   ETA: Wording and Spelling