"You juuuust wait..."

MusicFanatic

I have a FTM mom complaint..

Today I had a close-ish friend text me and ask how I feel. I replied with "a little tired, but good!" and she says "Oh just wait. You haven't seen tired yet. Wait until she's here!" ... this is like the 4th time in a month someone has said this to me.  (and it may be true, and that's fine... don't discount my tiredness now? You asked!).

And it happens even when I say I'm GOOD and feeling great! I get "well it's good you feel that way now, wait until you're like 34/35 weeks!" 

Why are people so freaking discouraging? It bugs me when people try to drag people down, especially when they feel good. And if they don't feel good, it's never "that" bad because it WILL get worse. And people are sure to tell you this! ALL THE TIME.  Why can't mothers encourage other mothers? And WTF is with all the scare tactics to FTM's?  (not anyone here, btw- I just mean in general).

Anyone else experience this? Usually I brush it off, but it's happening even more lately and it's annoying. (I know.. in 5 weeks I'll be even more annoyed, right?)

emilyp2013

Yes. This. I ignore it because I was told every step of the way it would be terrible. I haven't found anything unmanageable yet. More difficult or complicated? Sure. But I am in no way traumatized. I especially am trying to ignore horrific labor stories. I don't want to go into it geared up for an experience any more terrible than it needs to be.

ghostof5letters

There are things that the whole "just just wait" response is appropriate. But the tired thing is overrated, overused, and just cliche. 

STFU

luckylady18

This is my biggest pet peeve. I hate the negativity. Obviously we are all going to be tired when the baby comes. But why be a douche about it? Not helping! Thanks!

MusicFanatic

emilyp2013 said:

Yes. This. I ignore it because I was told every step of the way it would be terrible. I haven't found anything unmanageable yet. More difficult or complicated? Sure. But I am in no way traumatized. I especially am trying to ignore horrific labor stories. I don't want to go into it geared up for an experience any more terrible than it needs to be.

I get it with labor/birth a lot.  If I tell someone I may try drug free.. "Oh you just wait!!! You'll be begging for those drugs" ... and that may be true, but seriously. Shut up. Can't I try? Not everyone has the same experience. 

Babytime1778

All the time especially at work. Most of the women I work with are 50's -60's and I can't tell you how many times a week I am told this. I get it I'm going to be tired when my son comes and I welcome my time with him no matter how late but that doesn't mean I don't feel tired now. Not all pregnancies are the same and not all babies are the same so stop comparing every little thing that I go through to your pregnancy.

LooneyLife

It's just the nature of people in general.  I find that it's not exclusive to pregnancy/motherhood.  It helps people feel better about themselves to know that they're not the only one to have gone through something difficult.  It's wishful thinking on their part that you're possibly about to experience something that was difficult for them.  It helps them to know that they're not alone.

MusicFanatic

ladyamanuet said:

We had a night a few weeks ago where we got no sleep because of J's daughters and our neighbors. I complained that I got no sleep and people were totally dismissive "well you better get used to it - soon it will be even less" :: rage face:: I get that I will have a different sleep schedule when the baby comes. That doesn't mean I need practice now. If you have a shitty night's sleep you get to complain. I don't because I'm pregnant? Uh, fuck you.

Yes!!

You know I got a similar statement regarding sex last week? Someone asked if I was on pelvic rest and I said yes. "Oh, well that's cool.  we NEVER had sex once our son came. Too busy, too tired... so it's good you're getting used to that now" ...  um, seriously? I didn't even know what to say back. She needs sex, she's obviously crabby.

Tauristar

It pisses me off so much! I even had people respond this way when my hyperemesis was at its worst, they'd go, "yeah morning sickness is rough but baby is worth it!". WTF? Of coarse baby is worth it, but I'm still living off IVs and electrolytes and haven't had a meal in weeks. I hate to say these bullshit responses continue. When baby is 3 months they'll say just wait til the terrible 2s.
I think it's a cop out response, an easy way out of really listening or being involved.

southernyankeegirl

It's a "war story" and badge of pride thing.

People did this with school, too - "Just wait until high school/college..." And I was always left thinking, "Well, that's totally different than I expected, but nowhere near as awful as that person made it seem!"

I have a feeling being a parent is similar. People like to complain as a form of bragging. It's strange to me.

ETA: Considering all you've been through, it's pretty ridiculous anyone thinks they can pull the "You just wait..." card without sounding epically stupid. You've dealt with more as a pregnant person than I think nearly anyone else you'll meet - I dare say the only "You just wait..." that is appropriate is finished with "... it will be worth it when your baby is here, and life will get better when you're back home with your daughter and husband."

kellyfo14

Here's the thing, when the baby gets here at least the sleep you get will be good quality sleep without aches and pains (after your recovery of course) or having to wake up to pee every 4 seconds. I always say I would take a night's sleep with a newborn over a night's sleep being pregnant any day.
I also totally agree that the last thing a friend should be doing is telling you it'll get worse. How about being supportive about what you are going through now. Sometimes people just have no filter. They may not be trying to be rude but it comes across that way. Makes you want to respond to any "How are you doing?" with a simple "fine".

ghostof5letters

luckylady18 said:

This is my biggest pet peeve. I hate the negativity. Obviously we are all going to be tired when the baby comes. But why be a douche about it? Not helping! Thanks!

Yes! Why do people like to fear monger pregnant women? Like their anxiety isn't through the roof to begin with. Jackasses!

SRose1005

Yeah the persistent negativity can get a little boring and overwhelming. I've heard comments like that from so many people that honestly, the ones who stick out in my head are the ones who said POSITIVE things when I complained about how tired etc. I was. Because there are literally two of them.

Maebb

Yes. Knock on wood, I had an extremely easy pregnancy with DS, easy labor, and he was an easy baby. Now that he's almost 2, he's still pretty good. He's a little stubborn, but when I'm around other kids his age, I see how good I have it.

This pregnancy has been easy so far too, and I know I still have a long way to go, but FX this will go smoothly too. My mom keeps telling me that this baby could be extremely difficult because I was an easy baby and my brother was not, but I just want to put my fingers in my ears and say, "lalalala"! Of course we'll wait and see, but the "you just wait" stories are not helpful.

YaMrWhite

I just respond with "thanks captain obvious"

forthelove12

I haven't had a whole lot of this, but I'm sure it's coming. People ask how I feel all the time and I just respond with "Great! No complaints here!" I don't understand why people would want to try to scare us. Obviously if we're pregnant we know it can get tough, we're probably going to be sleep deprived, and our whole life is going to change. BUT it doesn't really matter because we have our sweet little baby. Don't ask how I feel if you are hoping that I say I feel terrible. Go away.

As far as labor stories, WTF. It seems like everyone wants to tell you about their one friend who had preterm labor/terrible tearing/longest recovery in the history of ever. I will never understand why I need to hear these things. Again, go away!!!

sanbry

I'm a STM. Heard lots of comments like this the first time around. Not so much this time around but maybe because they can see it's not my first rodeo. Anyway, I ignore it. It happens once the baby comes too, everyone has something to say.

JoaPata

It bothers me also.  I just am surprised with you being on bed rest and the difficulties you have gone through that person would say this.    I wish women would just listen sometimes and stop saying the "just wait till".   I also hear this all of the time.  I hardly sleep at all right now myself and I know I will be exhausted when baby comes but right now I just want support and don't want to hear the horror of everything.

jmcmoe

emilyp2013 said:

Yes. This. I ignore it because I was told every step of the way it would be terrible. I haven't found anything unmanageable yet. More difficult or complicated? Sure. But I am in no way traumatized. I especially am trying to ignore horrific labor stories. I don't want to go into it geared up for an experience any more terrible than it needs to be.

I'm a bit the opposite...I welcomed the traumatic birth stories as a FTM because then whatever ends up happening I know other people had it the same or worse! But that said, I haven't come across anyone with the same experience I had and mine was not trauma free but I made it out the other side with a healthy baby and that's all I could ask for! Unfortunately people never stop with the "you just wait...." Even as a STM they say it to me all the time..."you are going to be so busy with 2u2, you just wait..." Well no shit! Two IS busier but that doesn't mean I can't handle it! My mom had 4u5 so if she can do that, I think I can handle two!

Beauxbaton

To be honest I'm more tired now with a toddler than I was with my newborn. Newborns sleep a lot. You don't have to pull them off of the side table or out of the dog food. (This isn't a "just you wait thing," just a "its not as bad as everyone makes it out to be" thing.) People are just dumb. And I think that they don't know what to say to pregnant women, or want a chance to interject with their life stories even if you don't ask. Sometime I find myself not knowing what to say to other pregnant women, but "just you wait" typically isn't my go to response because it doesn't get worse for everyone.

TXUltraRunner

You can't sleep in a hospital, it reAlly doesn't get worse than that

MusicFanatic

TXUltraRunner said:

You can't sleep in a hospital, it reAlly doesn't get worse than that

Right?

I'm on the MATERNITY FLOOR. You know how many babies I hear crying, women I hear moaning and screaming? I'm prettttty sure I'm not going to have 15 babies waking me all night. 

Plus my baby will be the worlds best baby, I dunno WTF all these people are talking about. There's no way life will deal me a colic baby who never sleeps.  Just not happening, people. It's not!  I bet I'll get way more sleep once I'm home than now.

BookitBoo

I hated that as a FTM. And you know what sucks? The same person who always said that when I was pregnant with DS STILL SAYS THAT.

"How are you feeling?"

"Tired, but you know how it is."

"Yeah, just wait until you have two!"

A few other people have said that to me since then and it makes me Ill. I tend to try and ignore and avoid them as much as possible.

forthelove12

Another pet peeve is when people ask me what I'm having just because they want to tell me about their great aunt Susie's first cousin in law's sister that was supposed to have a girl, but little Betsy ended up being little Bobby! I have had a complete stranger do this to me. Why are you asking me if it's a boy or girl if you just want to tell me I'm wrong?

BookitBoo

@Firefly3911‌
You are like the fairy godmother of moms. I hope to run into you one day! I need all that good energy. Until I run into you I'm going to try and cultivate that same energy for moms that I run into

YaMrWhite

forthelove12 said:

Another pet peeve is when people ask me what I'm having just because they want to tell me about their great aunt Susie's first cousin in law's sister that was supposed to have a girl, but little Betsy ended up being little Bobby! I have had a complete stranger do this to me. Why are you asking me if it's a boy or girl if you just want to tell me I'm wrong?

This happened to me yesterday morning at a gas station. I just wanted to say STFU. But instead I humored her and laughed. I regret my decision.

Beauxbaton

Wanna know what my favorite thing people say is? First off, my boys will be almost exactly 16 months apart. I have had several people tell me "omg, if my kids were that close I'd just DIE." It's like, well then its great that you aren't fucking pregnant.

@MusicFanatic‌ if you do end up with a colicy baby then it will have some type of super talent that makes you lots of money one day. Either way its a win.

BookitBoo

Dude, DS was scared at the airport (his first time ever being scared at the airport, I was very surprised) and asked me to hold him while we were waiting to load on the tram. Of course I picked him up, and we waited our turn -- and then people kept cutting us off. Like, little middle aged ladies who should have known better. We were the last two to board and I was going to sit on the window seat so DS could watch (we've never been on a tram since he's been old enough to remember). And these three young guys were just sitting there, staring at me. Didn't scoot over, even though there would have been plenty of room.

I was completely surprised at the pushing and the blank stares, as though they couldn't see me. I know damn well I take up plenty of space right now, there is no way they missed me!

But we also met a ton of nice people -- a vendor gave DS a bag of m&m's for being such a good helper and I nearly cried.

Anyway, I hope that your trip is as stress free as possible!

Josie400

I'm trying to go through pregnancy, delivery, and having a newborn with an open mind. Are there going to be things that surprise me and catch me off guard even though I research and read up on all this baby stuff? Definitely. But the reason I want to have an open mind is because everyone's experience is so different. So it's annoying when an established mom wants to tell me what I'm definitely going to struggle with because she did.

If I can go through my pregnancy with an open mind, why can't people from the outside do the same?

Beauxbaton

Josie400 said:

I'm trying to go through pregnancy, delivery, and having a newborn with an open mind. Are there going to be things that surprise me and catch me off guard even though I research and read up on all this baby stuff? Definitely. But the reason I want to have an open mind is because everyone's experience is so different. So it's annoying when an established mom wants to tell me what I'm definitely going to struggle with because she did.

If I can go through my pregnancy with an open mind, why can't people from the outside do the same?

Just you wait.....kidding of course. But I don't really see any other way you CAN go through this whole becoming a parent/parenting thing. Every kids personality is different and different thinga will work for different families. So its a good thing you are going into with an open mind. I think STMs forget what its like to be a ftm. And its kind of exciting to be around people going through it for the first time, so you wanna tell them all your stories and things you learned. But also we need to remember to keep it to the subject and try not to be judgey or pretend like we know everything. Plus after a FTM gives birth a lot want to swap stories and what not. At least, that's been my experience with everyone I know, and myself.

honeybeee3

Ugh! These comments are the worst and unfortunately they don't ever seem to stop, they just change and grow with your child(ren).

Being pregnant can be brutal and motherhood can be so hard! And when you’re struggling to stay sane through all of it, the last thing you need is someone telling you that you’re strolling down Easy Street compared to what they've been through.

I honestly don't think that people are necessarily trying to be shitty when they say this though. I know I've thought it before- I just can't help it! I think it's almost like a badge of honor- people want to be recognized somehow for the hard work they've done as a parent. Still the words "you just wait..." should never come out of anyone's mouth! Ever.

daisymaypauline81

I've heard this honestly it does not bother me.  I don't believe that people have any malice in pointing it out. I think it is more like sharing battle stories and bonding about parenting.I would rather be prepared than not.

longcat07

oh i hated that shit when i was pregnant with DS.  i'm getting a bit of it still now, even from my own mother ("just wait till you have two!").  thanks.  that and suddenly becoming invisible outside of pregnancy.  nobody ever talks to me except to ask about how the baby's doing.  um, ok, i guess?  i dunno, she doesn't talk much yet, still being on the INSIDE and all that.

it was a little refreshing yesterday...my neighbor asked how i was feeling and instead of just saying, "great!" to avoid all that happy horsepoo, i was actually honest about being tired and sore.  and she said, "oh that sucks.  you look great though!"  maybe it was because she doesn't have any kids?  lol.

MusicFanatic

daisymaypauline81 said:

I've heard this honestly it does not bother me.  I don't believe that people have any malice in pointing it out. I think it is more like sharing battle stories and bonding about parenting.I would rather be prepared than not.

Bonding? I'm not bonding over people who say "buck up and deal, shits about to get worse".

And I'm not naive, either  I don't near scare tactics to prepare me.  That can be done in a different way, imo.

Aillise

I get replies like that all the time. I'm a STM and my DS was an amazing baby. He cried only when he was hungry or needed to be changed. He slept in my bed and I'd wake up once during the night to feed him, also when he napped I napped. So I was never exhausted. He is much more of a handful now that he's 9 lol.

Granted just like pregnancies are different, so are infants and children. So who knows how tired one will be or how good one will feel after baby arrives.

Edited for spelling (auto correct mistakes).

Beauxbaton

Now that I think about it, it really doesn't end after the baby is born. "Wait till they are walking," "wait till they start talking," "wait till you have two," "wait till......." It just never ends

Edvent

Yeah this is super annoying, and I agree it doesn't ever seem to end. I've even gotten "wait until you're dealing with teenagers"... Seriously?? You're going "one-up" me with something that won't happen for another 10+ years?

longcat07

yeah, this isn't "bonding".  bonding would be sharing your own comparable experiences, either in commiseration/empathy or to illustrate that it WILL get better.  this is just fear-mongering and one-upping.  "oh, you think you have it bad, I'VE had it way worse already, and you have NO idea."  fuck that.

bustysinclare

I've got plenty of pet peeves with unwanted advice. First time moms, I specifically DO NOT tell people my story to scare them. I think lots of the people who say things along the lines of, oh you think you are tired now!!! They dont mean any harm, most of them are telling you things they wish someone had drilled into them a little. When I was pregnant with my first, I WAS tired yes, and felt pretty crummy in the last trimester....Maybe a better way to say it might be "Enjoy the extra rest you can store up now" Everyone has to find their own way, so yes of course you are all welcome to your own experiences. I wish someone had told me that even though you have pulled plenty of all nighters, nothing prepares you for that first week of all nighters. I personally had a few complications and came home to a house full of realtives, and deperate to have alone time with my baby, I dismissed them all, only to find I was much weaker than anticipate ad wished I had some help.  I'm no longer a first time mommy and I get plenty of unwanted advice from strangers, for example " You think you are tired now, wait till you have to chase a preschooler while carrying a newborn!" I guess I do have a bit of advice - try to not to be too hard on those who mean well you might find yourself in the grocery line a year from now giving another pregnant woman unwanted advice :x

Edvent

bustysinclare said:

I've got plenty of pet peeves with unwanted advice. First time moms, I specifically DO NOT tell people my story to scare them. I think lots of the people who say things along the lines of, oh you think you are tired now!!! They dont mean any harm, most of them are telling you things they wish someone had drilled into them a little. When I was pregnant with my first, I WAS tired yes, and felt pretty crummy in the last trimester....Maybe a better way to say it might be "Enjoy the extra rest you can store up now" Everyone has to find their own way, so yes of course you are all welcome to your own experiences. I wish someone had told me that even though you have pulled plenty of all nighters, nothing prepares you for that first week of all nighters. I personally had a few complications and came home to a house full of realtives, and deperate to have alone time with my baby, I dismissed them all, only to find I was much weaker than anticipate ad wished I had some help.  I'm no longer a first time mommy and I get plenty of unwanted advice from strangers, for example " You think you are tired now, wait till you have to chase a preschooler while carrying a newborn!" I guess I do have a bit of advice - try to not to be too hard on those who mean well you might find yourself in the grocery line a year from now giving another pregnant woman unwanted advice :x

Honestly though there's no way to "prepare" someone for the adjustment they'll go through with a newborn. And all babies and parents are different so no two experiences are really the same. I think 99% of the time comments like these are not meant to be helpful but to make someone else feel bad for you (not you specifically but the collective you) or to make the realize that you've been through worse. I think a simple "hang in there" or "soon you'll be snuggling your baby and that's worth all of this bs" is much more effective.

Smelh324

I knew as soon as I read the title that this was gonna be the same topic that has been firing me up lately! Ppl must think that we are all really ignorant to everything about parenthood. Yes I realize my baby will likely wake me up several times at night in the first few months. I don't think that this is so dramatic that its the first thing every current mom should mention to me when talking about my pregnancy. Followed by, "you'll give in and get that epidural," and , "your body will be ruined!" Its a wonder so many women do it more than once, sounds like a real drag. I think I have my mind set on telling everyone that labor was a breeze and that I had time to balance my checkbook and finish knitting a sweater during transition. Really sock it to em!!