I heard a new one yesterday when someone was consoling me

Nikolie93

Now I'm not one to get all pissy at friends who say things like "everything happens for a reason" or "it is what it is" (although I hate that saying with a passion) because some people just don't get it. But I heard a new one yesterday that just really rubbed me the wrong way.

They said "this wasn't in God's plan for you. I truly believe that if you really want this to happen, it will one day"

WHAT??? Is she saying I didn't really want my first 3 pregnancies? That if I REALLY REALLY REALLY want a baby it won't matter wtf is wrong medically with my body, it will happen one day?

Usually I just brush stuff off but this stayed with me last night and is still making me say wtf this morning.

Am I overreacting or was that an odd thing to say? I'm totally ok with it if you feel I am overreacting, I am a bit emotional right now lol

PinkCamino

this conversation has the potential to implode.

Nikolie93

I don't mean to get everyone riled up but I had to share. I mean.. Really?? :-/ people say these things??

PinkCamino

Nikolie93 said:

I don't mean to get everyone riled up but I had to share. I mean.. Really?? :-/ people say these things??

Yup the do. I see it her on TTCAL all the time and similar things have been said to me in person. People are really passionate when it comes to their religious convictions.

jjbmstinco

Yep they are said often unfortunately. I don't think you are overreacting at all. It is hurtful no matter how you look at it.

Nikolie93

I just don't get it. It made me feel like I didn't really want the other babies. Ugh

rslh10

I'm sorry you had to deal with that. To me, personally, that's the worst thing someone could say to me about my loss. ((Hugs))

mflowers929

I've heard that from my good intended coworkers way too often. That and "relax, don't try so hard". The only thing I'm doing is temping. That's too much?

MrsKush1014

My brother made a similar comment to me via email after my loss.

"If you really want to have a child of your own someday I'm sure it will happen. I just hope that you won't give up trying. When it does happen for you I know you will feel the happiness and joy."

It took me a long time to get over that comment, it hurt for all the same reasons you mentioned. Unfortunately people who haven't experienced a loss just don't get it and don't understand the implications of their comments.

aenelson

I cannot stand that! I've heard another new one. My co worker yesterday (who knows absolutely nothing about what's happened with me) was speaking about her sister in law she doesn't like who recently experienced a loss. She said " I mean, I really believe in karma and that's why she had a miscarriage." Boy, it took 100% of me not to scream at the top of my lungs. How insensitive!!! Some people just don't understand. I know it can be difficult to console someone if you don't now how they feel, but I think it's best to not say anything at all. That actually beats my mothers comment " I know how you feel" after loss #1. No, mom, you have five healthy children, no losses, and a perfect uterus. I think I have to learn to turn the other cheek when it comes to people's comments. I share your outrage!

BethKate2

I'm so sorry she said that to you. People are so clueless.

@aenelson, holy crap! I wouldn't have been able to keep my mouth shut.

CreechMommy

That's awful Sorry you had to deal with that. 

I've had people tell me after my m/c to wait a while till we start trying again so we can "enjoy married life with no kids a little longer"

WTF?

Nikolie93

@aenelson‌ I don't get angry often but if I heard anyone say anything about karma being a reason for a loss I just may lose it.

I also have a hard time when people have never been through it say they understand how sad a loss is. I know that most don't mean it in a vindictive way but it's hard to hear sometimes.

aenelson

@CreechMommy‌ wow, I've heard that one before too. It's like they don't trust your judgment of the right time to TTC. Ugh! I think they mean well when they say that, but still. Like a "look on the bright side" as if there is a bright side..

Nikolie93

@CreechMommy‌ After my second MC someone told me "just think of all the fun things you can do with the money you save from not have a child" grrrrrr

Some people should just stop trying to make others feel better... Just stop haha

aenelson

@Nikolie93‌ yeah I almost lost it. I wish I had the strength to brush it off but I often just feel inconsolable. I can't actually imagine anything anyone could say to me to make it better (unless they have been through it). I don't know what I would say to someone had I not experienced it myself, so I should give them the benefit of the doubt. But like you said, still hard to hear it

CreechMommy

@Nikolie93 wow that's horrible.  We had a friend over to our new house (that we bought once we found out we were pg) and I showed her the guest room (which would have been a nursery) and she went on and on about how awesome it would be to have a guest room and how lucky we were to have room for people to stay over. Then she said to enjoy it a little longer before we start trying. (she knows about the m/c).  

I was battling in my mind because I was thinking "ok she doesn't know what she's saying, she means no harm" but it was so hard not to be hurt by those comments.  Especially when there is a stack of boxes clearly labeled "baby clothes" in the corner.  A friend gave me all kinds of hand me downs from her kids when she found out I was pg. And now they're sitting in the room until I can figure out what to do with them.  

Nikolie93

I know that prior to my MC's I would simply tell people that went through it that I've never been through it so I can't possibly understand but I'm sorry they went through it.

@CreechMommy‌ I just have to keep thinking that people really don't know what they are saying and they mean well.

But I don't think I will ever understand when someone says if I really really want it, it will happen -_-

Thanks for all the responses, it helps to talk about it

FutureMrsWright2012

Some people are unbelievable... OP, I def don't think you were overreacting. I know several religious people (friends and family), and I'm just bracing myself for when that comes. Hoping I don't completely flip out on them.

CreechMommy

ashtog said:

I heard some pretty terrible platitudes after Sawyer passed, but one of the worst was from my mom.. she said " well, maybe next time you'll get your girl you wanted." as if I was okay with losing my son because one day I might have a daughter. as if it would be more tragic had I lost a girl. as if this baby passed and now we can just try again assembly line style to get it right. I wanted to slap her. and she wonders why we have such a rocky relationship.

she also told me the other day she didn't think I should do the bereavement photos because it might set my healing back. like wtf??

OP, giant {{hugs}} for you and a kick in the cunt for whomever said that to you.

So sorry @ashtog that she was so insensitive.  That's just awful.

I love that you share pictures of Sawyer - I think it's very brave and shows strength not weakness.  He's such a sweet angel.  

Nikolie93

@ashtog‌ What my Co worker said was horrible but for your mom to say something like that?? I'm so sorry *hug*

And thanks for making me laugh with the kick to the cunt comment. I'm new here so I didn't want to say it but that was on my mind lol

MSU_Girl1202

@ashtog‌: Wow, I'm so so sorry your mom said that. I can't even imagine what went through her head to think saying something like that would be okay. Huge ((hugs)) lady.

To OP: People  have a hard time talking to women who have had MCs and often don't know what to say to them, so when they think they've found something 'brilliant' to say, it often comes out as insensitive and hurtful. I'm so sorry you've been getting some of that your way. I've started taking people's words as ignorance, which has helped me not be as hurt by them (but of course, a tiny part of me can't help but be hurt nonetheless). Big ((hugs))

Menrandes

I know I frequently get tongue tied when I just don't know what to say to someone who is grieving, so I keep it simple with a "I'm sorry for your loss."  It's not something I am good at.  But I've noticed that a lot of people are also not good at it, but make crap up anyway.  You know, whatever makes them feel better. 
My mil has said to me many times that it's just not my turn and everything happens for a reason.
Oh yeah, so what's the reason?
People don't think about how what they say will come across.
**hugs** to everyone that has suffered through people saying insensitive things, which I'm sure is most of us!

MrsKush1014

((Hugs)) @ashtog

alm288

That's horrible - WTH is wrong with people?!?! I'm sorry you had to deal with that!

ashtog - That's awful that your mother said that to you! I'm so sorry

SeaParrot

I got "well that's a blessing in disguise! This would be a terrible time for you to have a baby!"

Because losing a half dozen babies over the last few years is such an effing blessing because I am also working on my career.

I am not a member of a monotheistic religion - there is no god with a grand plan in my faith, so I find it both presumptuous and offensive when people try to tell me that their god wants me to suffer. If someone wants to worship a god who sows the seeds of a mother's suffering, they can feel free to do so but they should keep it to themselves.

People suck and they say such terrible things. I'm sorry you've had to deal with it and I hope you don't face any further insensitive jerkiness.

Nikolie93

Ack! My dad just said to me "I know you've always wondered about having children so maybe this is for the best"

Jeebus, this is why I want to tell everyone about it today so I can hear all this shit in one day instead of it being dragged out!

@SeaParrot‌ ...someone really said it's a blessing?? So sorry someone said that to you. >:(

SeaParrot

@Nikolie93‌ Yup. Repeatedly. It isn't public knowledge we are TTC, and I don't intend it to be, but I did mention the loss. People have just assumed that, because I'm not at the point in my life where most people would choose to TTC, the pregnancy must have been unintentional. My husband and I discussed for two years whether to try again before deciding that we weren't going to put our lives on hold for my career goals, considering I'll be in training for another eight years.

Nikolie93

@jj32‌ "maybe it's a sign" seems way worse than what my Co worker said to me. Unbelievable!

@SeaParrot‌ assumptions can be horrible things. Positive thoughts going your way for your TTC!

Nikolie93

I didn't say anything. Luckily she's a coworker that works remotely and lives up north!

laswett

I am so sorry you had to endure such an insensitive comment. I completely understand your point. When I found out I had a blighted ovum, my own mother asked me if I thought it was a "phantom pregnancy". That she had "read" somewhere that women who "desperately" wanted a baby could sometimes "make" themselves get pregnancy symptoms. She herself has never had a MC. I think it's just an unfortunate quality of some of those who have no experience.

Nikolie93

That's horrible!

[Deleted User]

People are a$$holes and don't get it.   They THINK they are being comforting when really they are just being jerks and don't have a clue how it's making you feel. 

Nikolie93

I just posted up a PSA on my FB helping people understand a list of things that are not appropriate to say. Maybe at leat a couple will read and learn lol

peregrinefalconx

I've got one...a friend who I was very close with, who we had a falling out and I reached out to her to reconnect after 9 months. Texting about trying to meet up with her. I never even told her I was pregnant and wanted to tell her in person about my exciting news (apparently, a friend of ours, who never reached out to patch things up, felt the green light to tell her I was P). Had my M before we met up. As part of this exchange, she writes "Are you still pregnant?"  Who the H asks that question? Unless you are asking if the person has delivered their child, how could that ever be a good question, especially knowing their history?

And yes, what was said to you was beyond inconsiderate.

jms0915

It truly does hurt when someone makes an insensitive or just flat our rude comment about what's happened. I've had my fair share of hearing them too, trying my best just to ignore them! Sorry to hear the difficulties everyone is having/has had with these awful people!

kyliehopeful

After multiple losses I've heard so many different responses. I've had someone tell me that either my husband or myself must need to learn a big life lesson before we get the chance to have a baby. Hmmm well we have been trying for 10 years so I'm not sure what else we need to learn before we get life right! I've also had the 'you have to want it enough' from the same person. The thing I hate the most though is friends and family who know our story telling me we better hurry up and have a baby as I'm getting close to 40 now. I feel like screaming what else can I possibly do that I'm not doing now! Geez people can be thick headed at times

Nikolie93

"Are you pregnant" would come across as a bit snarky to me :-/

@kyliehopeful I too am approaching 40 and I have had people tell me I need to hurry up. And I would kick someone if they said you must learn a big life lesson before having a baby. wtf???

My FB post had some pretty good comments, some even thanked me for sharing because so many have no idea what to say. I only had one in the entire conversation that thought it was no big deal to say most of the things I listed. I simply said "you can take my advice or not, just know that the things I listed above may be hurtful to someone that has had a loss"

Nikolie93

If someone mentions my age ever I will cut them! lol