Newbie coming from PGAL...a bit lost

Nikolie93

I am new to the boards all together and first introduced myself to the PGAL just a short few days ago. Today I had to say goodbye to them. I am sorry the below is so long and I am sure you've heard similiar things many times over. It helps me to get it all out and I appreciate having somewhere to go in order to jot down my thoughts with others who are in the same boat I am. I have many friends I can talk to but (1) only a couple knew of this pregnancy, and (2) my two closest friends have never had children or been pregnant so as much as I love them, it's not the same as talking to others that KNOW.

The boards are new to me but it seems that there is so much support here. I hate that there are so many of you that can relate to my situation but I am also glad to know that I am not alone. So many people just don't understand.

The reason I said I am a bit lost is because I am not sure if we've made the decision to continue trying. My last MC back in April with the twins was very hard, on both myself and my husband. At that time I knew I wanted to try again but we told eachother that one more time...and that would be it. I am in the process of losing this one now and I was only 5w2d so it's not quite as rough as the last one.

I am 39 and 1/2 years old and never wanted kids, even with my first husband of 12 years, until I met my current husband. Even when we first met when I was 34 we both said we didn't want kids. We are both divorced, both childless. Then one day something changed and we wanted to start trying. We got married a year and a half ago and I didn't really start trying until that time. Now I have 3 losses under my belt and I am approaching 40. I can't say I regret being a late started because a child with my first husband would not have been a good thing.

I am just wondering how you keep going. The rollercoaster ride is such a hard one, starting when you begin ovulating, then the anticipation leading up to the day you're supposed to start your period. Then by some awesome chance you don't start your period  you think about the past loses, and you start thinking about the milestones in the pregnancy. It's both emotionally and physically exhausting as I am sure you all understand.

To each and every one of you that continues to try after multiple losses, your strength amazes me. I can only hope I have it in my to try...at least one last time. Good luck to you all

flyoffeve

I am so sorry for your losses.

TheAerialist

I wish I had something awesome to say, I just found out yesterday that we had our second loss this year.  The first time around, I felt ok about it, sometimes it happens, I was actually totally fine.

This time is different. I feel devastated and alone, even though my husband is being super supportive.  For me, at this moment, my desire to have a baby outweighs the horribleness of this whole thing, but don't think I haven't thought about it. I think if I was in your shoes (was ok with not having kids), I would also be considering giving up now as well.  It's so much and if I am even enteratining the idea of saying "f-it" already, I can imagine how you must feel.

It's a heartwrenching decision and I am pissed that we even have to consider it.  It just doesn't seem fair when you see all the other women out there having babies left and right.  At least it seems that way to me, but I realize my outlook is very, very skewed.

Nikolie93

@McSarah1104‌ I'm sorry for your loss. I know how you feel, the first loss I had only known for a day and half. The second one back on April 15th was quite the roller-coaster. It was twins and they said only one made it, the next visit it was back to being twins and both seemed ok, the third visit it was back to a loss of one and the fourth visit the second was gone. What a long month that was.

It's odd, I go my whole life being content and not wanting children then I meet someone who I can't imagine not having a child with. It's heartbreaking. At this time I truly want a child but I'm not sure if I can go through it again.

I'm always wondering if I did something wrong. Did I exercise too hard, did I eat the wrong stuff, and mostly did my stress cause it. My husband doesn't want to see me go through it all again

My husband and I have a decison to make and it helps to be on here to talk it through. I'm at an age where I can't really afford to just take some time off and pick up trying again later.

I appreciate everyone's responses and kind words!

rmpar29

I am very sorry for your losses. How do I keep going?  My DH and I are not ready to give up on our dream.  It's certainly a personal decision that only you and DH can make.  I lost twins recently as well, and at the time DH and I said we were done.  After some time went by though, and those raw emotions started to subside, we realized we were not ready to give up.  Give yourself some time to heal and then have a talk with your DH to see where you both are. 

If you and DH do decide to try again, I would recommend seeing an RE and getting some RPL testing done first (if you haven't already).  Good luck and feel free to hang out here whether you are TTC or not.  There's a wonderful TTA check-in for those of us who aren't TTC right now.  Also, there's a June check-in that you are more than welcome to join if you wish.  ((((HUGS)))

Nikolie93

You ladies are awesome, thank you

Because I had gotten pregnant the first two times ok, my Dr didn't think it was necessary for me to see a specialist. Yesterday at my visit she recommends doing so if we want to try again. I'm sure I will be talking more with her about things.

I never thought there would be a chance I'd be 40 and a new mom. It's a bit hard to swallow. I know that women have babies later in life now but it will play a factor in my decison.

The hardest part about giving up is the fear of regret. Because I've been pregnant 3 times I've already thought about my life with a child. Not sure where to go with that if I decide not to give it another go and I never have one.

Nikolie93

It doesn't sound cheesy at all

meredithcarole

I am so sorry for your losses. Welcome.

TheAerialist

Nikolie93 said:

@McSarah1104‌ I'm sorry for your loss. I know how you feel, the first loss I had only known for a day and half. The second one back on April 15th was quite the roller-coaster. It was twins and they said only one made it, the next visit it was back to being twins and both seemed ok, the third visit it was back to a loss of one and the fourth visit the second was gone. What a long month that was. It's odd, I go my whole life being content and not wanting children then I meet someone who I can't imagine not having a child with. It's heartbreaking. At this time I truly want a child but I'm not sure if I can go through it again. I'm always wondering if I did something wrong. Did I exercise too hard, did I eat the wrong stuff, and mostly did my stress cause it. My husband doesn't want to see me go through it all again My husband and I have a decison to make and it helps to be on here to talk it through. I'm at an age where I can't really afford to just take some time off and pick up trying again later. I appreciate everyone's responses and kind words!

So many things to say here, I am so so sorry :-(

I totally agree with you about 'what did I do wrong' and everyone loves to say 'nothing! you did nothing wrong!' but I'm just a pessimist and I think I did do something wrong.  For me, personally, I think I waited too long.  

I am almost 36 and I think my eggs are just less healthy now.  It just seems obvious to me that at 36 I would have a smaller percentage of healthy eggs, and it makes me mad because it's not like the fact that our eggs get older is a secret I knew this and I still waited. I am not a doctor and people might be mad about me saying this, (and I would LOVE to read stuff that proves I am wrong!!! please!!) but it's how I feel and I am mad about it.  I will say that I highly doubt that exercise or eating the wrong stuff caused it.  Even stress.  I think it's mostly faulty genetics in the eggs. 

I also immediately made an appointment with an RE after we found out about this loss.  There are all kinds of things out there that can cause miscarriage and they might be able to identify.  Knowing would make me feel a lot better, and I see no reason to wait.  My Dr. also said that usually people wait for 3 losses, but that it would make sense knowing my age to go now, and I think the same would apply in your situation.  

foodie12rn

I'm so sorry. I don't have any words of wisdom that haven't already been given, but sending ((hugs)) your way!

Nikolie93

It's a shame that the right guy, the guy I want to share a child with, came to me so late in my life. He's been super supportive and he keeps telling me that he married me not knowing if we would have children and as long as he has me, he will be happy. It's nice to hear those words but it's hard when there are situations like his sister just having her third child after "accidentally" getting pregnant all 3 times. I'm happy she has 3 healthy kids but some things just seem so unfair.

I actually just called and got the ball rolling to see a specialist for a pre conception consultation to talk and see if we want to continue trying. I hope it doesn't take forever to get that appointment!

kittymeowbark

I am so sorry for your losses.

Km380

I'm sorry for your losses. Please remember you did nothing to cause this, it's not your fault.
I know your age is a factor but I would say right now is not the time to make a big decision. Give yourself a little time to heal and grieve and then talk. Going through my 2nd I was adament I was done. I threw out everything baby related, right down to my prenatals. I looked into adopting a 2nd dog. As the weeks past my feelings changed and I knew we weren't done. Whatver you decide, take time to do it. (((Hugs)))

Elliecat17

I'm so sorry for your losses. Welcome to the board.

katib77

I'm sorry for your losses. I think the pain is too fresh and raw now to try and make a decision. But setting a "stop point" for us was very helpful. When we first got dx with infertility I said we'd try five years. After our second loss - there was still a fee more months before hitting year five and we found the money to do IVF one more time.
That said, it helped knowing months ahead we were nearing our end point and now a few months past every now and then I am sad but I'm healing slowly but surely. Give this last loss some time and distance before making any decisions.

Menrandes

I am so very sorry for your losses. I hope that you find the comfort you need here.  *hugs*
Take some time to grieve, to heal.  We will be here for you.  I wish I had some advice for you on how to keep going, but unfortunately that's a question I ask myself every cycle! 

ctk181

I'm so sorry for your losses. Welcome.

Nikolie93

@HoldingOutHope‌ I will be checking out those places, thank you!

@katib77‌ We had come up with a stopping point of next May after the MC in April. I guess we still have time to give it one try if we go by that.

I feel so bad saying it but I feel as if my life has been on hold. Counting the days until I ovulate, waiting for my next cycle hoping it doesn't come. I plan trips around it, parties around it. I just feel like it's consuming me. I know it will all be worth it if we get our rainbow but it's wearing us both down, especially after this 3rd loss.

purplehaze11

I'm sorry for your losses. I've had two losses this year, and in some ways the second hurt far more, as it made it seem like far more than "rotten luck", so not only was a grieving I was wondering about the future as well. My DH and I have decided we aren't ready to give up yet, especially since they believe to have found the cause of the losses, but if we have another I'd say we will be done- but I'm trying just to stick in the here and now, as difficult as it is.

uromys

I'm sorry for your losses. I can understand your feelings. Welcome to the community.

jjbmstinco

I am sorry for your losses.  Welcome to the board.

Nikolie93

@LauraO11‌ that's great news they think they found the cause. Many positive thoughts going your way.. Good luck!

Thank you so much for the warm welcome everyone. I really had no one to talk to about this stuff and it helps tremendously

MSU_Girl1202

I'm so sorry for your losses. I hope you find the support and comfort you need here. ((hugs))

[Deleted User]

I'm so sorry for your losses. ((Hugs)) please be kind to yourself, this is not your fault. Welcome to the board

jms627

I'm so sorry for your losses.  I hope you find some comfort here.

rubysi

Welcome. I am so sorry for your losses. This is a great board for support. @holdingouthope is right we do have an AMA check in if you would like to join us. They are an awesome bunch. I am glad you have the right person to take with you on this journey. As some have said your emotions may be too raw to make the decision to ttc or not right now.

alm288

I'm so sorry for your losses. I guess I keep going because both DH and I want a family. I was not the type of person who thought about a family and being a mom in my 20's. I wanted to go abroad, concentrate on my education, and then my career. I wouldn't be the person I am today if I hadn't done these things; however, I do worry that I maybe waited too long. Every month when AF shows up, it's like a gut punch. It sucks, but I try to keep my focus on the "goal."

I think you need to give yourself time to begin healing and wait to make any final decisions. Seeing a RE sounds like a good idea too. Welcome.

Nikolie93

Thank you. My time here has already helped. I really wish that none of us have to be in the TTC after a loss board but I am so very thankful to have you all here. My husband is great support but there is just some comfort in knowing that there are others out there that truly understand what I have gone through, emotionally and physically.

Much and many hugs to you all

rslh10

I am so sorry for your losses. Welcome.

Nikolie93

@PetraStonegirl‌ thank you so much for your story. It's stories like yours that give me hope.

I find it a bit harder to give up since I seem to be able to get pregnant. It's like it's so close to happening...