fight with DH - need some perspective

mommaoftrips

We had a fight about the things that we (but really let's be serious-what. I talk about) discussion/talk about. DH says he doesn't want to hear about my work, or the things that bother me because I am so negative (context - work has been really stressful lately). What he wants to talk about is making plans for the future.

The thing that gets me about this fight is: if you don't want to hear about the things that are bothering me, I feel like that means this is not a "partnership" as these things are important to me and I need someone who is willing to listen to everything about me/our life.

I am taking this too personally? What do you and your SO talk about? Thanks

MommyAtty

I had this argument in reverse with DH. He's incredibly negative a lot of the time. It's not that I don't care, it's that (1) if he's not willing to make changes, I get annoyed he complains about the same stuff all the time, and (2) it became his only mode of communication, and (3) it's incredibly wearing to be with someone who can NEVER find the good in a situation. Our compromise was that I will put a mental timer on the length of time he's allowed to bitch and when I'm done, he understands. (I usually give him about 20 minutes.) He also has made a concerted effort to not be Daniel Downer all the time. To be honest, sometimes, the negativity feels personal, like "This life I've made with you isn't good enough for you and you're crushingly unhappy about everything, including me and our family."

Interestingly, I gave him the same option. Let's talk about the future in happy, positive terms, not the present in "I hate my life and would rather be anywhere else" terms.

bumpuser10331514

I usually know when I'm just bitching and blowing off steam, and if someone tries to be constructive during that, I pretty much want to pour coffee on their face. I know how I'm supposed to deal with it (or at least how I'm going to deal with it), so it's just a vent. If that's the mood you're in, let him know before you start in. And if he says he's not in the mood - that's legit. Find someone else to bitch to. These kinds of sessions get long for anyone to have to listen to repeatedly no matter how devoted they are to you. 

Sometimes, however, I am really frustrated and lost in a situation, and I don't know how to deal with it. Sometimes it's such a big issue that I'm even lost on what my longterm goal is with that whole part of my life. That's when I'm looking for feedback and perspective. So - tell him if this is where you're at. Or maybe you start out venting and end up here - so you let him know when you realize you're lost. If he's not helping you here, you might have a legitimate gripe.

The thing is - only you can know and be honest enough with yourself and him to let him off the hook every once in a while. If you don't know or excessive bitching is just your process while you're lost - try "bitching backward," i.e., working your way backwards from a solution, e.g., "I want to try this, but..." "I did this once and this happened..." "If I do this, then so-and-so is going to..." "In an ideal world, this and this would be like this..." or "I want to be in management [or some other longterm goal], so how do I use this to get there? How would I deal with this if I was in that position? Would I give a sh!t about this if I were in that position?" 

That way it's not so torturous to listen to, you're still controlling/dominating the conversation, and - who knows - you may actually find a reason to bitch less.

Irony: when I find myself giving advice to someone complaining about getting advice. Or stated another way, when someone comes to a website to get advice about how to not get advice. This should be a whole new chatroom on the bump. 

)

minirella

DH and I discuss our jobs - the good, the bad, and the ugly. Comes with the territory IMO.

MamaAllison

PPs have good advice, just wanted to say I've been there too! It's a balance between, yes they should listen and being a person saying something worth listening too! Good luck!

groovygrl

I think at our house this is a lot about sort of male/female communication differences- I find that I want to just vent & talk through things w/ someone to listen, & on occasion will be seeking advice, but MH assumes I am looking for a 'solution' and doesnt really get my need to talk about things just for the sake of talking about them or getting it off my chest.  I don't always want much from him other than commiseration or understanding, and so I have to just tell him that up front, I just need you to listen to this, you dont have to offer advice or a solution. However, I do try to limit the amount I vent about things in general or about the same thing, b/c there are some things he talks about constantly that drive me crazy as well and I am tired of hearing about them for the last 10 years- some days I can tolerate it, sometimes I snap at him and am less than supportive, admittedly.

I don't think not wanting to hear/talk about the same topic all the time is really that unusual so maybe he is a 'solver' and doesnt really know what you want from him in the discussions and you should tell him, or maybe you just need to cool off on talking about it so much if it is really a lot (like multiple times a week). 

Beevol

We avoid this argument by approaching it honestly; if one of us wants to vent, they'll say "can I just vent to you for a minute?" and then if the other says no, the first respects that boundary, if the other says yes, then they don't offer anything but sympathy and a listening ear - no advice (unless they first ask "do you want to hear my advice?"). Sometimes, I really don't want to hear it because I just don't have the emotional energy available, and vice versa. I sometimes forget to ask before venting and DH has gotten good at asking me to stop venting when he just can't deal, which is something I actually really appreciate because I know that when I am venting with his permission then I don't have to feel guilty about "dumping" everything on him.  

Venting is only one way to deal with stress and it's not always the healthiest way - if it's not healthy for your relationship, then maybe you two can be a team in finding healthier ways to let off steam?

DiveFrog

DH & I had this issue for the last few years DH was at his previous employer. It really all boiled down to him being unhappy with his job, and needing to make a change, but not taking any action to do so. Eventually, he managed to take some responsibility for the situation and got himself into a better fit position at a new employer.

For my own sanity though during that rough period, I had to put a limit to the complaining and negativity. We carpooled at the time and I told him he could complain for the 25-30 minutes it took us to get home, but that was it. 

We discuss our jobs now, both good and bad maybe 10 minutes an evening, but our conversations are far more often about our household, child or the future activities, projects, vacation etc. 

mommaoftrips

Wow ladies - thank-you, thank-you, thank-you so much from the bottom of my heart. I knew I could count on other working moms to understand and give me perspective. Here are my thoughts, in case anyone else has this same feeling:

1.) I am actually complaining too much - most of you were dead right with this one and I honestly didn't realize how much it was. I have decided to keep this low key - maybe once a week if something really infuriating happens BUT I will take the advice about framing it - for example - I need 10 minutes to vent about work, is this ok.

2) I am in a bit of a rut with work, however, due to my flexibility and work and the long-term outcomes/benefits of a current project I am working on - I cannot change for the next 8-12 months. However, this is a 'future planning' discussion that DH and I can have, seeing as he requested that we talk about the future.

3) I have started to carve some time out of our busy schedule for ME! Yesterday, I went for a 7km run and felt fantastic. I will do this again.

A little unrelated but on a FB group for triplet moms, there was a discussion yesterday about how we as 'moms' have changes since having our triplets. I think some of my 'complaining/negativity' comes from just this. I am the person who does everything - meals, getting the ready, appointments, shopping ect. It gets to a person and has changed me slightly. I am just not as patient, which I do admit that my DH takes the brunt off. This too will become a conversation, as I suspect that really this was the underlying cruxs of his blow-up.

I also agree with whomever pointed out the different ways in which males and females communicate. Sadly, both DH and I don't talk about our 'feelings' all that easily. Again, something we are working on.

Thanks again for all the great feedback - I am so very appreciative of those of you who took the time to help this momma out.