Pros and Cons

CJBosquez

DH and I have been married over a year. As we get closer to the point where we will start looking for a house (1br apt right now) we have been having on and off discussions of when/if we want to have kids. I'm still not 100% sold on the idea. All of the cons weigh pretty heavily, and all of the pros I've heard so far are all along the lines of "the babies smile will make you melt", "you will never feel as loved as when you hold him", etc. All mushy gushy stuff. Which is fine, I want that, but I don't know if its worth the trial of pregnancy and labor, the money, the time, the dirty diapers, the fights, the emotional wrecks, etc. I am so in love with DH, and we have 2 dogs to love up on and spoil. I'm wondering if anyone can offer some Pros to having kids?

ChristyM87

You have been married for one year. Enjoy being a couple and being married. When you and your husband are both ready then you can start trying

CJBosquez

@Joy261 We are definitely not ready yet. I want a house first, and for us to be more settled in our careers. Just curious as to positive reasons people have kids.

I've heard the "pass on knowledge, watch them grow" too, but both my DH and I coach and have young children in our lives, so we could do that without having to take the child home at the end of the day.

ashiscute

I can offer a lot of reasons why I love having kids but I don't think that will help you.  If having kids isn't for you right now that's OK.  If it isn't for you at all that's OK too.  

The only true con I have for having kids is that it makes travel more difficult.  Trips take more planning, more money, and less relaxing than before.  We still travel but it's definitely a change.  

I have two kids and being with them is better than not.  They are selfless, enthusiastic, honest, curious, and hilarious.  They are quick to laugh, quick to forgive and endlessly loving.  It is really exciting to watch them grow into people and develop personalities and interests and preferences.  I can't imagine not having kids and am excited to see them each morning (assuming it's after 630).  

But again just because these are reasons for me doesn't mean they need to be for you.  Everyone is different.  I'd suggest spending some time with friends and families who have little ones and at places where people take small children and just observe and learn.  See if what you're seeing seems right for you. 

CJBosquez

@ashiscute Thank you for giving me your reasons! Like I said in pp, I know neither of us is ready at this point. Doesn't mean I don't like hearing why other people chose to have and love their kids

divinemsbee

Joy2611 said:

If you need people to list the pros of having kids, then you are not ready yet.  Truthfully.

I want a child because I'm ready to pass on my knowledge, let them teach me to be less serious, watch them grow to be awesome adults, dedicate myself to their success, and enjoy life in a way that only a small child who is experiencing the world for the first time can do for you.  I want a raise of a member of the next generation.  I'll take a happy kid, a smart kid, a sick kid, or wild kid.  I'll take any kid that life hands me to love, cherish, hug when they cry, and laugh with when they're happy. 

It's okay to not be ready.  I was 33 before we pulled birth control and probably 34 before I felt ready in the sense that I could type what I did above.  I waited until it was time.  I have no regrets.

QFMFT.  (Again, I know, but this is where I am)

OP, your reasons might be similar to Joy's or anyone else's or you might have reasons all your own. If you're trying to get someone to talk you into it, then it's not for you right now. And if people are trying to talk you into having kids right now, just tell them that you aren't ready yet. And if it's never for you then it's never for you. I absolutely have friends who are CFBC that, even when I talk to them about it, and they're smart people and excellent friends, have never really 'gotten' why H and I are choosing to try (very hard) to have children (that's not to say they don't support us, but there's a 'want' that H and I have that they just don't, and so there's a gap there).

A piece of advice that I read about trying again after a loss is something that makes a lot of sense. You try when the desire outweighs the fear. For me, and H, the desire to raise and mold a member of a new generation in this ever-changing world and grow our family outweighs the fear of all of the other things. The fears still exist, this is just stronger.

JubilantSquirrel

I'm honestly not sure what sort of "pros" you're looking for. Most people who chose to have children do so because like PP said, they want to pass along their knowledge and watch their children learn and grow.

While my child is still a baby, it's been such a joy watching him discover and learn new things daily. Watching him figure out how to roll over, how to wiggle himself around the floor and then learning how to crawl has been so much fun. I love watching him interact with our dog and trying to make him smile and laugh. He has honestly brought a new type happiness into my life. That's not to say that I didn't have happiness in my life pre baby, I absolutely did, but this is just different. I used to look forward to the weekends because it meant staying out late, sleeping in and taking spontaneous trips out of town with my husband. Now I look forward to the weekends because it means I get two entire days to spend with my baby doing whatever it is we feel like doing. My life shifted when I had a baby and I personally couldn't be happier.

So again, not sure what pros you're looking for here. There's not a special life VIP room you suddenly gain access to once you have a child. If having a child isn't something you want now, or ever, that's fine. There's nothing wrong with that.

YogaSandy

I was 100% like you. I thought we might be child free by choice. I didn't want to be pregnant and definitely didn't want to deliver. I love kids a lot, but I was really dedicated to my career. Eventually, I changed my mind. I just changed it all of a sudden. DH was waiting on me. I don't necessarily mean you will change your mind. Despite what society says, not having childen by choice is OK (as long as that is what both partners want).

Anyone else's list can't help you. You sound like you're not ready yet. I was 33 when my son was born and had been married for 9.5 years. Now, I am very glad we waited. He is exactly the baby we were meant to have and I wasn't ready earlier.

For me - I never knew I could love someone so incredibly as I love my son (we're one and done). Every day I feel more blessed than I can even put into words just to be his mom. I'm not going to lie - it is the hardest thing I have ever done. I don't sleep because he doesn't. I did survive colic, which I didn't think I would. I love watching him learn and do new things. Our idea of fun has changed. We were out of town in a hotel. DH was playing with DS in the kiddie pool while I was in the hot tub. I love love love hot tubs. It wasn't fun knowing my boy and husband were having fun splashing around while I sat by myself.

I know people say it, but I never understood it before, but it is more amazing than I could have imagined - for us. Now, I am seriously questioning going back to work. I never understood why people wanted to be SAHM. I worked damn hard for my education and career, but I know I would rather stay home with my boy. I could give it up and be OK with that. It's not that I don't love it anymore, its just that I'd rather be home. (I am pretty sure I'm going back).

JCWhitey

I openly confess that my reaction to getting my BFP with my son was to sit down on my toilet and cry to DH that my life was over.  This sounds horrible, especially since this was just three years after ending my first marriage that had included 2 years of TTC and 3 m/cs where I so desperately wanted a baby.  However, I had drastically changed my life (divorced, remarried, went back to school, was getting my life together) and a child didn't fit into the picture at that point.

Two years later I can tell you it was all worth it, but I do often wonder where we'd be right now financially and emotionally if we had been able to plan a family on the timeline we'd planned.  But at the same time every time I imagine that life without DS in it I realize I much prefer this one.  Had you shown me both lives without me having met DS yet, however, I'm not sure which one I would pick.  Again, I don't want to imagine life without him.  So that's my pro.

My con is that kids are extremely time consuming.  I never did finish the degree I was trying to get and I'm not as far in my professional life as I pictured myself being at this point in my life.  There are times I want to just go out, but can't because he's napping or the place I want to go isn't child-friendly.  I have a Hawaiian vacation coming up and one part of me is soooo excited and the other part is dreading the red-eye flight with a 19 month old.  

Really, you probably aren't ready yet and that's OK!  Enjoy being married.  Plan a child when you feel ready and get excited over the concept and not get a feeling of dread.  There is really nothing wrong with not having kids just because your life looks like it should have one in it.  And you've only been married a year!  Enjoy a few more before you throw kids in the mix.  DH and I were only married 6 months when I got my BFP and I do often wish we'd had a bit more time for it to just be "us".  

jennypolkadots

We all have different reasons. Listening to others reasons won't get your closer to finding your own. 

DH and I have been married for 3 years. We have two dogs and a cat who we treat as our babies, and love them dearly. We have a nice home, stable jobs, and I switched careers to something much more flexible. We have coached sports teams and I tutor at the boys and girls club. We have nieces and nephews and plenty of chances to teach children things.... but, we feel like someone is missing from our family. I can't explain it - we just yearn to parent. It's not for the cute baby squishiness or to live vicariously - it's just a feeling that our family is not complete and we want (or even need?) to give our hearts and energy to our children. You may never feel that urge, or it may come later in life. No one can tell you. I am 25 and DH is 27 and, if everything goes well, we would like 2 or 3 kids.