When do you say enough is enough? (long)

StacyLH24

Hang with me if you will through this...

 

When my box of meds arrived for our FET cycle, I remember opening it and my first thought was "I'm done".  At that time, C and I discussed the possibility of living child free.  We have many babies around us, so it would be relatively easy to have children in our lives without having our own - though I recognize it certainly wouldn't be the same.  I went head on into my FET cycle and we tossed around the idea of it being the last cycle, no matter what the outcome was.

 

At the beginning of the fresh IVF cycle, we paid our down payment and then have a monthly fee charged to our credit card for 12 months to finish paying off the rest.  I figured it would just help us continue to improve our credit, so no reason not to do it that way.  I did find out from the IVF financial lady at our RE's office that we can choose to not complete the second fresh cycle.  If we choose that option, then they will stop the rest of the payments as we have already paid the equivalent of what would be their IVF Package 1.  If we make this choice, there wouldn't be any turning back any time soon.  There is a significant savings by purchasing IVF Package 2 - which is what we did.  We cannot afford to terminate that package and then change our minds and try another fresh cycle. 

 

C and I agreed during the FET cycle that we would finish out the IVF package that we have purchased - meaning that we would move forward with another fresh cycle and any resulting FETs if available/necessary.  We have until July 4, 2015 to do so.  Our office gives you one calendar year from the time you start stimming for that first fresh cycle. 

 

We keep talking about adoption and the pros and cons.  We have a previous experience that weighs heavy on us and alters our feelings.  Before this experience, we were both very pro adoption/foster to adopt.  To make a very long story short - C and I had been together for 8 months when we took in a 14 year old who was considered part of C's family.  She has a very troubled past.  We put a lot of work into helping her and giving her a safe home and loving family.  It essentially backfired and ended horribly.  Our local CPS was involved and we certainly do not feel favorable toward the agency as a result - though the two main individuals involved are now retired.  Though it was an extreme situation, with a much older child than we would prefer, it still has left its mark on us. 

 

I never wanted to be in a situation where money determined when we had to stop trying.  When I originally started thinking about this FET cycle being our last, it gave me a sense of control.  I was determining that we would stop, not the fact that we had used all of our tries and couldn't afford more.  Then there was part of me that thought about the fact that if we didn't do everything that we could, then we might always wonder - hence the testing and potential appointment with Dr. KK. 

 

I've been feeling exhausted and drained.  It has been an intense 14 months.  I worry that even if I do get pregnant, we may still not end up with a take home baby.  I know that is a reality.  I want to experience a pregnancy, but I also just want a child.  I'm tired of meds and I'm tired of cycling.  I'm tired of TWWs and negative HPTs and negative blood tests.  I'm tired of trying to conjure up hope but not too much hope because then maybe it hurts a little less.  I also struggle with the fact that four embies were created and now none exist.  I know it was through natural methods, but it does still bother me to some extent.  I try not to think about it a whole lot.  I wonder who they could have been.  To me, those were four little lives. 

 

I'm at a crossroads and I'm not sure where to go.  I haven't discussed any of this with C yet and will likely give it much more thought before I do.  I did get her agreement to attempt to be added to another adoption waiting list at a second OBGYN office.  When do you say enough is enough and move on?  I'm not a religious person, nor am I very spiritual, so I don't really pray and seek guidance.  I know this might be more appropriate on the IF board, but I trust you all and feel much more connected here. 

 

Any thoughts would be appreciated.  Thanks for reading through all of that. 

Officerofthelaw

I wish I could give you advise on this. Like you pointed out I haven't been trying long enough. However I feel pain as well every time I get a negative HPT and I go through all the same emotions anyone else ones through. I know my four months of trying to conceive does not compare to many other people but it doesn't change the toll it takes on people. The only advice I can give you is the same everyone has given me. Don't give up on something you want in your life. Ever! You have come this far and trying again could get you the results you are looking for. Weigh our pros and cons, I know it's expensive, but you won think that once a pregnant occurs, it will be worth it. If you truly feel in your heart you can't continue the process, don't give up on wanting to be a mother. You can adopt and just because it is not blood, doesn't mean it's not yours. Anybody can make a baby, it's the people who raise the child that are the real parent. Good luck with your journey.

Jazibel

I have to echo what PP have written. I think that you'll know when you are ready to move on and not look back.  That said you are still young (and please I hope that doesn't come across the wrong way).  By this I mean that if you and C decided you wanted to take an extended break, months or even years you would still find yourself within your fertile "child-bearing" years. From what you've written above it sounds like you might be leaning toward pursuing the IVF package you originally purchased and participating in an IVF Fresh and FET (if necessary) cycle with potentially additional testing/research first.  In my experience even short breaks from TTC were saturated in discussions, testing, thinking about TTC so they didn't really feel like breaks. So if it were me I wouldn't take too long of a break if I thought I'd continue TTC.  However that said EV and I took a longer break from TTC. I said to her "we'll revisit this when I turn 35".  Well... we actually revisited sooner than that - BUT the long break, without any active participation in growing our family was refreshing and healing on so many levels. I would also say that I've heard that pursuing other means to becoming parents can have a similar stress to TTC. So if you feel you need a little time away from the stresses of growing your family maybe circle a date on the calendar, and turn your focus elsewhere for a little while.

I'm sorry that this is even a challenge you are grappling with. I wish for you and C that you are able to grow your family in the way that works best for you.

Amber&Reva

I work largely with the elderly population and I had an old man give me a piece of advice the other day which I will share here.  He said that looking back on his life the only regrets he has is the things he didn't do or the chances he didn't take.  That you don't look back and regret a try that failed or a mistake that was a lesson you look back and regret not continueing to try or the decision you were to afraid to make.  I am saying this because 10 years in the future will you look back and say I wish I had just given it that one more shot or look back and think I gave it 14months and I did all I could do.  I can't answer this for you nor can anyone else on this thread because it is a very personal thing.  Just something to think about I guess.  Whatever you decide I have huge amounts of respect for you and C for all you have been through while TTC.

StacyLH24

@Amber&Reva - I think that is a great way to look at it. Thank you.

I have mostly been feeling fine since the official BFN, as I was expecting it for a few days anyway. I guess I should know by now that it really is a day by day thing. Some days are good and others aren't. I do want this, that isn't a question. I'm just feeling worn out and stressed. I know that will carry over into pregnancy and parenting and that worries me. One step at a time.

@Jazibel - I like the idea of circling a date and having no baby related stuff happening in between. That may not happen right now since we are on a bit of a limited timeline. If we move to adoption, I think it would work well. We have already discussed taking a break to recoup if needed before moving to adoption.

@CrazyAunt84 - I read your response last night and cried. It was helpful, so thank you.

@officerofthelaw - You are absolutely correct - those who raise the child are the real parents. Also, I sent you a PM in case you didn't see it yet.

wishiwaspreggo

I tried for almost a year myself, and didn't quite have an easy go at it (though it definitely could have been worse).  I was ready to give up after my final cycle (which turned out to be the BFP cycle).  Statistically I was on my last chance for IUI to be effective before needing IVF.  I actually was reluctant to try another cycle because I thought it would just be flushing another $2K down the toilet without the benefit of achieving pregnancy.  But just as I'd been ready to give up, it finally happened.

As others said, you have much more regret for the things you didn't attempt than you do for your failures.  If you still have a fresh cycle plus subsequent frozen cycles, I personally would move forward with IVF because it's already been paid for (from my understanding).  I realize how hard it is emotionally and physically to endure even one IVF cycle, but in 5-10 years, will you wonder what could've happened if you at least tried?  What if it would result in a pregnancy?  I know how you feel - I wanted to experience pregnancy myself but I was ready to let that go because I thought my body wasn't able to do it. 

You should only give up when you've made peace with either being CFNBC or feel emotionally prepared to move on to adoption.  Only you will know when you've reached that point.  But in the meantime, I encourage you to keep moving forward.

The only way out of Hell is through it.  I think of you a lot (sorry if that sounds creepy but we've been parallel in our journeys for a while) and sincerely hope you get your take home baby in the end.

KH826

Stacy, I read this post yesterday, but I didn't have time to sit down and write a thoughtful response.

This is a hard one, because I don't want my thoughts to come across the wrong way. None of us can tell you what you should do or how you should feel. Only you and C can really say what life feels like right now 14 months into TTC and how that impacts what you will do moving forward... I feel for you both. This journey is so hard. So much harder for some than others. It just is not fair. But you know this...

Anyway, my personal 2 cents was that I never felt done while TTC. Now, my journey was much different than yours. After 6 months and 5 failed IUIs, we decided to move to IVF (for two reasons, money and impatience/emotional exhaustion). We were very fortunate, and our fresh IVF cycle was successful. We had paid for an FET cycle after our fresh cycle, incase it didn't work (that was our package), and we knew we would be faced with a break following the FET if it did not take while we figured out finances for another fresh cycle, but I personally was never at a place where I contemplating "stopping." Now, if our fresh cycle and our FET had not have been a success, would I have felt differently? Probably... I can't put myself in your shoes, but I can say that following your gut is the most important thing you can do while TTC. If your heart tells you that it is time for a break - take one. If your heart tells you that you want this more than anything in the world, and that you will regret stopping TTC - keep going. One step at a time, one moment at a time...

I agree with previous posters that when you are truly "done," you will know it. You won't have to ask. There is a difference between being exhausted and being done.

Living a child-free life was never something I even entertained as an option. So, I can't tell you from experience what it feels like to know this isn't what is meant to be for your life. I can tell you as a friend and supporter that no matter what you decide, we will be here for you to listen, give you advice when you want it, and offer you unlimited internet hugs.

This whole journey is completely crazy. It hardly ever works out the way people think that it will for them. Preconceived notions about TTC are almost exclusively wrong. We should all write a book. Each one of us could have our own chapter. But I don't think you can write yours yet... I think it is still being written...

You are a strong, amazing person. I wish you strength, love, support and peace with whatever next steps you decide are ahead for you.

-KH

pauljl

I have no great words of wisdom. I just wanted to say that I admire your strength. 

You are making thoughtful and purposeful decisions- which I find so hard to do when emotions are a major component. 

Whatever you decide- I hope that peace follows. 

ATXmommas

@StacyLH24‌ - First of all, accept my apologies for not responding sooner. I read this yesterday and wanted to wait until I had time to type a thoughtful response. The PPs have written some really powerful stuff and I can't say any of it any better.

I know it's heartbreaking that you are still on this journey and it's scary to keep moving forward, knowing that there are no guarantees of success. I don't get the feeling that you are done yet, but you know we support you in however you and C choose to move forward.

I just want to offer my support and let you know that I'm thinking about you.

mallory4284

I've been wanting to reply to this for a couple of days and just haven't known how to respond. Mainly because I find myself asking this of our journey frequently.

I agree with PP about it obviously being your and C's decision in the long run and you'll know when you're ready.

I've never gone into a "break" ready to take a break and it always makes me sad when we take one. Then, inevitably, I start thinking that it maybe wouldn't be the end of the world if we didn't have a baby. Then, someone we know gets pregnant or has a baby and those pings of "I wish that were me" come back and I realize I'm not ready to give up on our dream yet....

I'm hoping we don't have to ever sit down and have a serious discussion about how much more we can take, but at the same time, I know realistically if this cycle is a wash, we probably need to.... Going on 3 yrs is a long time.

That being said, I hope you get some answers at any upcoming appts and wish you the best of luck with your future transfers!

ball.and.chain

I did get to the point of not wanting to move forward any longer.  I knew emphatically before my last transfer that I had one, maybe two tries left in me.  I had wondered when to call it for a long time, but like others have said, when you get to that point, you will know.  You won't need to ask yourself this question anymore.

Shortly after I reached that point, I became pregnant with Ben.

I know how hard it is to keep putting one foot in front of the other.  But I strongly believe that Dr. KK might figure something out that could be a game changer for you.  I hope you move forward.