Discussion Topic: Are donor-conceived people happy as adults?

2MamazInSeattle

Hi all!
As most of you know, I am also active on the Third-Party Reproduction board as I used an egg donor (as well as a sperm donor). A thread from a long time ago was revived today and I found this rather fascinating and felt it would spawn a great discussion among us! The OP had asked "Are donor-conceived people happy as adults?" - there is quite a large DC community and a lot of feelings on this topic out there and the OP had read a lot of info that implied that DC's are not happy as a result of being DC'd.

Well, yesterday a DC woman chimed in on this thread with (what I thought) was a very level-headed, thought provoking response. Below is what she said, and I'm very curious what everyone's thoughts are on this. I will add mine as a comment so you can read the subject matter. Here it is:

I would like to comment as a donor conceived adult: A lot of us are unhappy. It's a truth that's out there, and you're going to bump into it. But a lot of us are happy too. I don't think we are "overall" defined by our origin. I think happy/not happy is too general and is obviously affected by more in life than just how we got here, right?

A lot of my peers are very...passionate? So I get the feelings involved when you read these angry rants online about how we are all unhappy...and the squeaky wheel thing.

There are a few different schools of thought among the adult DC community...which range from happy children that just "want to know", there are some that develop religious beliefs down the line that don't line up with their parents, there are some that are very certain they were "purchased" as toys for their parents without regard to the amputation of an entire side of their family trees. I won't comment on any of those viewpoints in regard to my opinion of them, as everyone is entitled to their feelings, and you very well may have children that fall into one of those categories. There are a few extremists I have met personally that I have clashed with and feel that their "method" of voicing their opinions is counterproductive to any changes they'd like - or I'd like - to be made within this industry.

Some people are against the entire process in general, but a lot aren't. The one thread that seems to unite us, regardless of our origin story, is the distaste for anonymity, specifically. The anonymous donor is currently illegal in several other countries, and there are strides being made currently in some countries as we "speak" here in these forums.  Most of us feel that the use of anonymous donors cuts us off from knowledge that is our right to know. This is where I weigh-in and passionately agree. I feel that my own origin through an anonymous donor has cut me off from siblings, cousins, grandparents, etc, in addition to my biological heritage, medical history...the list goes on. There are also times when I look in the mirror, and just wonder. Back when I was conceived, to my knowledge I don't think there were "open donors." So my mom didn't have much of a choice. I would like to see open donors be the only option, one day. I don't see any benefit for the child in taking away that knowledge...So ask yourself if you do?

I do support the science, however, and the ability for same-sex couples to do this, but like I said - not all agree. It's a complicated road. It's hard to call anyone's opinion wrong. So, the only advice I could give from my humble POV would be to be honest, be open, share all information with your child up front to avoid a feeling of deception when they - surprise! - find out through their own unexpected medical situations that their father isn't really their father (this has happened for SEVERAL of the people I've met) and just love your kid.

I do advocate, concretely, the use of open donors. For what it's worth, I have never met a DC adult who thought the anonymous donor was OK. I have met ones who "don't care" to know who the guy/girl is, but even they think they should have continuously updated medical information denied through the anonymous donor process.

Weight the pros and cons for your child. Remember that the anonymity passes down for generations. Your child's kids won't know one half of their grandparents, and they won't know half of their genetic heritage either. That could all be avoided by choosing an open donor.

Another question several donor conceived adults have brought up on the subject of anonymity is this: if you don't see adoption as an option, it is probably because a genetic link to your child was important to you. If that is the case for you, please appreciate that a genetic link to a biological parent could be just as important to your child. You wouldn't want someone saying you can't legally have a baby, and that's how some of us feel about being told we can't legally have access to our biological father/mother. 

My apologies if anything I post here is perceived as offensive, as it wasn't my intention, truly. My intention was to shed some light on what could be the voice of your future children.

Original thread is here.

mallory4284

I see her point, but I kind of disagree....

In my opinion, she's essentially saying that just because you are LGBT, you should only adopt because if you use closed donor sperm, your child will never know their other "biological parent".

So, because I have a GF and not a BF/H, and it's physically impossible for us to conceive a child alone, I should never be allowed to experience being pregnant and feeling my future child growing inside of me?

That doesn't seem right to me. I was always under the (maybe delusional) sense that my child will be happy, because they will always know, without a shadow of a doubt, that they were always wanted. They aren't going to ever have to wonder if they were an "oops, we weren't careful and ended up pregnant so we had to raise a child together".

2momsinCA

@mallory4284‌ I didn't read it that way. I read it as her argument for using open vs anonymous donors. I think she was stressing how essential it is for the child to have the option to know their genetic heritage. I think she is in favor of lgbt rights to creating a family through donor sperm/egg but we should consider the child's possible eventual interest in knowing who their biological donor parent is.

mallory4284

2momsinCA said:

@mallory4284‌ I didn't read it that way. I read it as her argument for using open vs anonymous donors. I think she was stressing how essential it is for the child to have the option to know their genetic heritage. I think she is in favor of lgbt rights to creating a family through donor sperm/egg but we should consider the child's possible eventual interest in knowing who their biological donor parent is.

Yeah I guess I can see that now....

But either way, there are more men that wish to stay anonymous than those that are willing to meet their future "children" later in life.... The process of choosing donor sperm is hard enough without adding "must be an open donor" to the requirements

Since I obviously can't relate and don't know what it's like to not know my biological parents, I guess I won't really ever understand what that's like...

It makes me wonder J's thoughts on this. Right after we met she found out that her dad, the man that raised her from birth, wasn't really her biological father. (Her bio dad made the choice to break up with her mother because his parents threatened to cut him off financially if he married her mother) Granted she knows the man that is her bio father so she could meet him if she really wanted to, but I don't think she's unhappy because she doesn't know him....

mallory4284

Lol I completely agree with your post @TwoMomsInTX‌

I think I just couldn't get out clearly what I meant because words are hard.... For me. I had like a million things running in my head and when I went to reply it was all coming out sounding like "but, but.... No.... What, but what about...." Gibberish!

herbunmyoven

TwoMomsInTX! I want to carry a baby and have that experience myself, even though that baby will not be genetically related to me at all. Also, even with IVF it is so much less expensive to DIY baby than it is to adopt! 

I find it really interesting that there are so many confounding factors here. Essentially, straight people do not need to tell there kids if they were conceived using a donor. I have a few friends who have used donors and have NO intention of telling their kids. I don't know how I feel about that. I guess there is no reason to know you are a DC...until there is a reason to know (like illness). Can we assume that any research that is done of DC's is mostly using children of gay parents as a sample? And if that is the case, which factor is the cause of the unhappiness? This seems to need a hard-core longitudinal study!

I do have a number of friends who were adopted who have all had fairly major issues as adults, but their issues seem to stem more from a feeling of abandonment than from a lack of biological connection. I hope M will know that we needed to use donor sperm to conceive him, and that the donor in no way abandoned him...That he as conceived in love using the only means available.  

Meanwhile, my wife is obsessed with her own genealogy and we have been wondering how we approach that with M when he is older. Do we have him help us research both sides of our families even though he is not "technically" related to my family? Or do we avoid exposing him to it? 

ATXmommas

I agree with @2momsinCA‌ regarding the intent and I agree with the author's overall opinions on this issue. Closed donors were not on the table for us. It was of utmost importance that our children be able to know their donor if they so choose once they turn 18. Hell, I would be up for it before 18 if it were an option. I find myself extremely curious about the person who provided half of the genetic material to my son and can only begin to imagine how curious he will likely be one day.

As far as DC adults being unhappy... I haven't read anything in the topic, so I'm speaking blindly, but I'll offer my thoughts. I don't know the ages of DC adults that were studied to make conclusions about their overall happiness, but this is true: anonymous donors used to be the rule, not the exception (much like closed adoptions). We're in a day and age that many of us realize the importance of acknowledging one's genetic ties (though many of us will go about it in different ways). As a result, more of us are choosing to use open ID donors just as more people are choosing open adoptions. Also, as opposed to being secretive, more of us are choosing to have open dialogues with the children who are conceived using donor egg/sperm.

What I hope is that these efforts - acknowledging that while genetic material doesn't make a mom or dad, it IS important and being willing to have open and honest conversations with our children about it - will positively impact how these children view and feel about having a donor.

Maybe I'm being naive, but i do think that how we (the adults making the decision to use a donor) talk about how our children came to be has the potential to direct the discourse into a more positive space.

I'm mobile and it is hard to say everything you want to say exactly the way you want to say it from an iPhone keyboard, so hope this all makes sense.

2MamazInSeattle

Ug just getting back to this now! Thanks for starting the conversation around this.

For me, two lines in her post stood out. First, " there are some that are very certain they were "purchased" as toys for their parents without regard to the amputation of an entire side of their family trees" - This is one of my huge fears. That Simone will be mad that we even made her, since she is a 100% donor-conceived person (egg and sperm)! That she'll think we were selfish for doing it in some way.

Second, was this line, "For what it's worth, I have never met a DC adult who thought the anonymous donor was OK" - this  makes 100% sense to me.

First, let me say I have some wicked justice issues. So, there was no way on god's green earth we would have chosen either an egg or sperm donor that was not willing to be known (WTBK). There are straight people on the TPR who definitely never plan to tell their kids of their origin which I find horrifying (not to be dramatic, but again, that to me is a serious injustice). I agree with @herbunmyoven that as LGBT it's a little more assumed/obvious and kids know this and/or are told pretty much always.

For me, the thrust of the DC's point of anonymity being not good rang true for me. If I was a DC person - even if I never pursued it, I (personally) would feel betrayed if my parents *could have* chosen a WTBK donor and opted not to! For Simone, we only looked at WTBK donors (there are plenty to choose from) and for our egg donor, we went back and had our clinic ask her before we were willing to move forward. I cannot imagine looking in Simone's eyes and telling her "sorry, we coulda but we didn't..." how awful.

I know we're all very respectful on this board and so I am not aiming to offend anyone who chose a totally anonymous donor, but I guess I do have a pretty strong opinion on this just based on how I think I'd feel if it was me. And, the DC who wrote this kind of validated my thinking. I do think it's a bit far-fetched when people say "they don't need to know, we're going to love them and raise them happy and that's all that matters..." - I mean, at some point I too would (at a minimum) just...wonder. It's kinda like people who feel they are good parents because they provided food and shelter to a child - it's so much more complex than that.

Now I'm kind of curious to read DC stuff out on the web, but as she mentioned sometimes it's the extremes that are out there making commentary for the whole group. But, I do think I will continue to seek any genetic siblings for Simone, and also we are meeting our egg donor sometime soon and I will try to garner as much info for her as I can. She may not be interested, which is fine - but any kid I raise I imagine will want to know .

Last I'll say I know *plenty* of non-donor-conceived people who are unhappy; and I only personally know one donor conceived person (adolescent) who is one of the most happy, articulate, mature and lovely young women I've ever met. She's super open about her DC status and actually loves to tell the story of her donor (her mom is straight and opted to be a single mom by choice). So of course it's always unwise to generalize a whole group as "unhappy" - but I did not realize this was a 'thing' in the DC community before this post.

Jazibel

What an interesting topic - thanks @2mamazinseattle for sharing the article.

First of all I really resonate with the opinions shared thus far. For EV and I having a WTBK donor was a priority from the start. I've heard it expressed before that anonymous is fine (and maybe for some families its the right choice), but for us our happy loved children would grow up to be adults. And for me it was not appropriate to limit another adults choices, inclusive of finding out about their genetic history. After all we raise our kids but they do obtain "independence" one day.

As many of you already know I am adopted, and not genetically related to my parents. I was adopted when I was a few months old. I love my parents but have always been curious about my genetic history. Mine was a closed adoption, but I was told when I was 23(ish) by my parents that I could contact the adoption agency and that they would reach out to my biological family. I have yet to pursue this option for various reasons but the greatest being with a closed adoption my biological family could opt not to accept the contact. I also am concerned about what I might find. Unlike the thick donor files I looked at from the sperm bank the only bit of information I have is a one page (one-sided letter), describing the families involved in the briefest terms. I know my birth-mother was of medium height and build, with light brown hair and hazel eyes. She was on English descent and protestant. She was pursing a college degree in nursing at the time of her pregnancy. My birth-father was a chef and African-american. My birth-grandmother on the paternal side ran a daycare center, etc.....  So - only the bare bones.  

Because of my "lack of satisfaction" with my own experience I wanted K & O to have a different experience. I also want to comment that my interest in my genetics has in no way marred my perception of my parents as being well - my parents.  ;-)  

KH826

So, I have many thoughts on this, but a lot of them have already been shared by others. So here are just a few brief bullets to add to this discussion:

* There are a lot of people in general who are unhappy. I would be interested to see this data regarding DC adults being unhappy. Was it collected in a vacuum? Was there a baseline comparison to non-DC adults of the same age/background/socioeconomic situation, etc.? Why were they unhappy? Are we talking clinically depressed or "gee, I think I could be happier if..."?

* I think that we as the parents of DC children have a duty to our children to do this right. This parenting thing -- we have to get it right. There is more of a burden on us to not screw up than our heterosexual parenting peers. There just is. I have faith that if the parenting is good and genuine and honest, then the children (and resulting adults) will be just fine. We all have our cross to bear in life. No one's history/upbringing/set of circumstances is perfect. What I do believe is that there are many ways to build a family, and many ways to find the happiness in life that is yours for the taking if you are open to it and brave and honest and authentic.

* There are children raised by single parents who know of the other 50% of their biology, but have no contact. There are children raised by single parents who have no clue who their other bio parent is (by choice or not). There are children who are products of closed adoptions, open adoptions, foster situations where there is some involvement by bio parents, but perhaps it is limited or inconsistent. At the end of the day, there are dozens of ways to make a family, and there are hundreds of reasons for each of these ways that could be fodder for folks to feel unhappy with their circumstances later on in life. This is not meant to dismiss this whole conversation or to say that these are not important things to consider. All of this is important, and I have given much thought to it in my own life. However, at the end of the day I choose to believe that I will raise happy, productive, successful members of society, and I will love my kids every day and do the best I can for them every day, and hope that the end result reflects those efforts. Everything else is just a detail. To say that our children are predisposed to unhappiness because of the way they were conceived is short sighted in my opinion.

redrockmama

I'll have to come back and respond to this when I have more time, but I just have to say that I hate when people refer to the donor as the biological parent. It infuriates me. I get so tired of correcting people that M doesn't have a father, he has a donor. Genetic material does not make a parent or family. Sorry I just needed to get that off my chest. 

wishiwaspreggo

I did a considerable amount of research on this before choosing a donor.  I read that yes, a lot of children of anonymous donors are unhappy.  But largely this is the case in the straight community (i.e. where one partner could not biologically conceive thus the necessity of a donor).  I know a lot of families feel insecure which is why they want an anonymous donor and wish to keep this secret from their child indefinitely.  I disagree with this, personally, but I cannot dictate how anyone plans their families.

Usually the biggest issue is the kids feel like they were deceived when they find out.  The more open and honest you are about the child's origins, and the more information they have, the more comfortable they'll feel about being a DC person.  But if your child comes to you at 16 or 17 and questions his/her features, coloring, or has a general feeling he/she cannot place, and THEN you tell the child, they will react poorly.  This is the case with many of us when we're lied to (or feel we've been lied to).  You lose trust in the person who either withheld critical information from you or just plain didn't tell you the truth.  Coming from a parent, that would be profoundly disappointing.

Knowing all this led C and I to selecting an open-ID donor.  We're so open, in fact, that we found other women who share our donor and we've formed our own little Facebook group (there are 6 of us now).  Our stories are all very different but we all share the belief that our children should know their origins and provide them with as much information as possible.  Connecting them to their DC half-siblings even before birth is setting the foundation for them to have the clearest picture possible of who they are.  Then at least I feel I've done everything possible to ensure our children feel complete and won't feel deprived of any information.  And if they're still curious they can contact the donor at age 18.  We're perfectly comfortable with that.

Yet despite our efforts we cannot guarantee our child will be happy.  It's my hope that taking these measures will help but I can't predict my child's personality.

I'll also echo what others said about adoption - it's basically unaffordable.  We had a rough journey conceiving our son but we still paid less than $9K overall for the sperm, medicines, procedures, and travel.  Adoption is $25K.  Even after the tax break we still ended up saving a lot of money by conceiving and carrying a child with my body.

wishiwaspreggo

The TB gremlins are preventing me from editing but I wanted to add...

I hope my post didn't come across as judgmental.  I think in general DC kids of lesbian/gay or single parents have an easier time accepting that they're DC even with an anonymous donor.  Simply because there is no male figure in their lives that could've provided the other half of their biology so it makes more sense from the get-go.  And of course all our kids will know they're DC from a young age.  That makes it less of an issue as well.

2MamazInSeattle

wishiwaspreggo said:

The TB gremlins are preventing me from editing but I wanted to add...

I hope my post didn't come across as judgmental.  I think in general DC kids of lesbian/gay or single parents have an easier time accepting that they're DC even with an anonymous donor.  Simply because there is no male figure in their lives that could've provided the other half of their biology so it makes more sense from the get-go.  And of course all our kids will know they're DC from a young age.  That makes it less of an issue as well.

This! I was thinking about the sperm donor show on MTV, and the kids with single moms by choice and lesbians seemed definitely to be the most well adjusted about it.

@redrockmama‌ - I especially agree about the word biological. As an egg donor nom, I'm the biological mom; my donor is S's "genetic" mom. I use the terms male/female donor most of the time. But when people ask about her "mom" or "dad" I'm polite but correct them.

Loved your comments @wishiwaspreggo‌. Intoo agree with the concept the "we all get something" in this life. I think all of us here want to clear as many obstacles as we can for our kids and a lot of what you said talks to that exactly.

JGY

There are so many things that I could comment or expand on in this thread.  But many of you have done such a great job already of articulating the thoughts that I also have.  So I'm going  to bring up this one thing:

@rerockmama says:

" I just have to say that I hate when people refer to the donor as the biological parent. It infuriates me. I get so tired of correcting people that M doesn't have a father, he has a donor. Genetic material does not make a parent or family."

Now I agree with this 100%.  I truly, truly do.  But here's what I can't quite reconcile ... the original post that we are discussing here, was written by a DC adult.  And s/he uses this terminology him/herself! 

So I am left wondering this ... no matter what we, as the parents, believe to be the reality of the situation in terms of Parent (capital P) vs. Genetic Material Donor, perhaps the children/eventual adults tend to feel differently?  And if so, we shouldn't ignore that.  Is there a chasm that's created between the parents and the children because we (speaking for the parents here) can't understand/accept/believe/rationalize that these much-loved and much-wanted children feel a gap or a hole exists due to a lack of true parental-type relationship with the donor(s)?

I have no answers, only questions. And it's something that I feel I'm going to spend a lot of time thinking about in the future.  Until now, I don't think I've ever truly believed deep down that I couldn't have control over framing what my child's eventual relationship with their donor could, should, and would be.  I'd love to think that G will grow up truly understanding that S and I are his only parents and there's also this great guy out there that he could get to know in a totally non-familial way if he chooses.  But what if G decides that he'd much rather have a relationship with him that is far closer to a true parent/child bond?  I will have ZERO control over that.  And I'd better get used to that idea now, I guess.

I'm curious what the rest of you think about that.

 

Also, totally seperate subject, I read the DC adult's comments about adoption a little bit differently than some of you.  I obviously have no assurance of the context from which they speak, but I read it more as a comment made without regard to financial concerns or other complexities of the adoption process.  I believe the poster was speaking only to those who dismiss adoption because they don't want to raise a child with whom they have no genetic connection.  If I were to interpret it differently, I would completely agree with most of what has been said in response.  But I really don't think was the intent of the original statement. - My $0.02.

 

CageyMack

I think that it is a basic human right to know where you come from.  

Second, I think all families are messy, and this is just one of the ways ours is.  In other words, I think it is easy to forget the myriad ways that straight and/or non-donor families can be messed up, and that they somehow have an edge: they don't, they just have other stuff.

My own story is that I'm the 10th child of my dad's and the only for my mom.  Basically, my dad thought it would be great to have two wives and build a hippie commune in B.C..  His wife dealt with it for a while, but the closest of my siblings saw a lot of the stress it caused their mother and resent me for existing.  My dad apparently came after my mom with an ax (so the story goes . . . ) and she left one night, me strapped to her back, and never went back.  I was 3 years old at the time.  I met him for the first time at 25.  She never said an unkind word about him, other than that ax story ("He always did have a fiery temper!"), and he was so happy to see me.  It was deeply moving for me and I will never be able to fully articulate what it meant to see my own face on another human being, to see the pieces that my mother's side of the family did not share. 

My own feelings about him varied across my lifespan, but mostly I know that I had a lot of comfort in knowing who he was, in having a story of my life.  Granted (and it is a big one), he is my parent and not my donor.  But (this is key), it is MY story, and it has always been all mine.

I believe my children have their own story, and messy or different, it is still THEIR story, and they should know all there is to know in the world about it, whatever is available.  If children have an anonymous donor, tell them that they have an AD.  If it is possible to have a WTBK donor, do so.  Where we come from matters, and to imagine otherwise is a falsehood.  The children will decide for themselves what to do with their story, but that is their choice. 

I don't think any of the options for conception are inherently wrong; I do think how some folks deal with their choices is horrible.  Clear, open, honest, and age appropriate communication with children is key, in my humble opinion, i.e.: "We didn't have all the parts to make you, so we got help."

Our donor is WTBK, and that was a very deliberate choice. I respect all of you in making the choices you made, since every parent is making their choices in a very specific set of circumstances.  It is a daunting world out there, and I know we are all doing the best we possibly can for our children. 

Good topic, @2MamazinSeattle!

Edit to add: I feel pretty strongly about this, I realize, as I noticed my siggy quote, which has been my quote for years.  

JGY

ILY @cageymack, and it's not solely because you use the word "Myriad" correctly.  :x

 

 

And, truth be told, I love the rest of you too. 

CageyMack

@JGY: Aw, shucks.     We are a Mutual Admiration Club (a term my wife uses, and I think is a riot)!

redrockmama

JGY said:

There are so many things that I could comment or expand on in this thread.  But many of you have done such a great job already of articulating the thoughts that I also have.  So I'm going  to bring up this one thing:

@rerockmama says:

" I just have to say that I hate when people refer to the donor as the biological parent. It infuriates me. I get so tired of correcting people that M doesn't have a father, he has a donor. Genetic material does not make a parent or family."

Now I agree with this 100%.  I truly, truly do.  But here's what I can't quite reconcile ... the original post that we are discussing here, was written by a DC adult.  And s/he uses this terminology him/herself! 

So I am left wondering this ... no matter what we, as the parents, believe to be the reality of the situation in terms of Parent (capital P) vs. Genetic Material Donor, perhaps the children/eventual adults tend to feel differently?  And if so, we shouldn't ignore that.  Is there a chasm that's created between the parents and the children because we (speaking for the parents here) can't understand/accept/believe/rationalize that these much-loved and much-wanted children feel a gap or a hole exists due to a lack of true parental-type relationship with the donor(s)?

I have no answers, only questions. And it's something that I feel I'm going to spend a lot of time thinking about in the future.  Until now, I don't think I've ever truly believed deep down that I couldn't have control over framing what my child's eventual relationship with their donor could, should, and would be.  I'd love to think that G will grow up truly understanding that S and I are his only parents and there's also this great guy out there that he could get to know in a totally non-familial way if he chooses.  But what if G decides that he'd much rather have a relationship with him that is far closer to a true parent/child bond?  I will have ZERO control over that.  And I'd better get used to that idea now, I guess.

I'm curious what the rest of you think about that. 

I would definitely respect M's feelings if he felt that the donor was his biological father/dad. I would just be shocked if that happened if a DC was raised knowing as much as possible about the donor.

There is a study about DC and the findings were basically that it is better to be open with the DC about their conception and it's better if the donor is open-id or WTBK. M will grow up knowing he has two moms and a donor. We have as much information as we can about the donor, including an adult photo. He will also know that he can contact him when he is 18. I am certain it would be hurtful to us if M referred to the donor as his father/dad, but really that is up to him. 

I guess what I really meant is that I have issue with people outside of our family calling the donor his father/dad. I feel like the person that made the comment is trying to use blanket terminology for a whole community of people, which I never agree with. If she/he views their donor that way that is ok, but by making statements that refer to people outside of herself I believe it continues the acceptance of language that undermines our family, by assuming that M does have a father-he just doesn't know him. 

I might be overly sensitive about the subject. Our state has one of the marriage cases at SCOTUS and an anti-lgbt group continues to hold rallies about how damaged our kids are because they don't know their real mothers and fathers. They put up a picture of my friends' daughter at their rally and talked about how terrible her life would be. This is a whole other topic obviously, but that's my issue with the terminology. We are adamant about using donor because 1. that's what he is/was and 2. I refuse to use the language these terrible people are using to threaten our families. 

JGY

r@edrockmama said:

 

I guess what I really meant is that I have issue with people outside of our family calling the donor his father/dad. I feel like the person that made the comment is trying to use blanket terminology for a whole community of people, which I never agree with. If she/he views their donor that way that is ok, but by making statements that refer to people outside of herself I believe it continues the acceptance of language that undermines our family, by assuming that M does have a father-he just doesn't know him. 

I absolutely agree with you on this.  I simply wonder how common this writer's experience and POV is in the DC community? And if it is pervasive, I need to become more familiar and comfortable with it for my child's sake.

mwagner25

JGY said:

There are so many things that I could comment or expand on in this thread.  But many of you have done such a great job already of articulating the thoughts that I also have.  So I'm going  to bring up this one thing:

@rerockmama says:

" I just have to say that I hate when people refer to the donor as the biological parent. It infuriates me. I get so tired of correcting people that M doesn't have a father, he has a donor. Genetic material does not make a parent or family."

Now I agree with this 100%.  I truly, truly do.  But here's what I can't quite reconcile ... the original post that we are discussing here, was written by a DC adult.  And s/he uses this terminology him/herself! 

So I am left wondering this ... no matter what we, as the parents, believe to be the reality of the situation in terms of Parent (capital P) vs. Genetic Material Donor, perhaps the children/eventual adults tend to feel differently?  And if so, we shouldn't ignore that.  Is there a chasm that's created between the parents and the children because we (speaking for the parents here) can't understand/accept/believe/rationalize that these much-loved and much-wanted children feel a gap or a hole exists due to a lack of true parental-type relationship with the donor(s)?

I have no answers, only questions. And it's something that I feel I'm going to spend a lot of time thinking about in the future.  Until now, I don't think I've ever truly believed deep down that I couldn't have control over framing what my child's eventual relationship with their donor could, should, and would be. 

 

This!!! @JGY I agree 100%, great perspective.

redrockmama

@JGY I definitely agree. I feel like my perspective and feelings are constantly evolving on the topic. When we first started talking about having kids we were 100% sure we wanted an anonymous donor. It's an ever changing thing, this parenting business. 

I have a really great friend who grew up with lesbian parents in the south. They had to do a lot of lying to even get sperm to get pregnant and a Dr. to do IUI's. I don't recall how or what his parents told him about the donor, but he knows he can't find him (because it was so different back then) and he is 100% ok with that. I think for the older DC it's really all over the map.

It will be interesting to see how DC kids raised now will differ. It is such a different thing now than it used to be, especially for kids of lesbian and gay couples. We have lgbt parenting groups, communities like this, COLAGE, donor sibling registries,etc. J and I talk about it all of this all the time and agonize over whether to find donor siblings now or later and play the what if game a lot about what his interest in the donor will be. We have quite a ways to go with being comfortable with M viewing the donor as a father/dad. If that's how it ends up I hope we can be as supportive as he needs us to be.

JGY

redrockmama said:

 It's an ever changing thing, this parenting business. 

 

Never have there been truer words.  I feel so lucky to have this group to work through everything with!

I too am interested to see how the modern age of DC kids will differ from those who are now adults (and our age).  You're a wise woman, RRM!