Are donor conceived children happy?

samantha5110

My husband and I just had our first IUI with donor sperm. We made the decision to use donor bc my husband has a genetic issue in which he will never have children. I am reading that there are A LOT of donor children who are unhappy, sad and depressed and questioning their history and who they are as they get older. Is this true for all donor children? I want my future child to feel SO loved and know that we made the decision to have them and that we wanted them to complete our family with our entire being! That we have prayed and hoped for so long for them and love them more than anything in the world! I don't want them to feel "lost" bc they don't know who their biological father is. Anyone have a great success story to share??

liz4paws

I don't have children yet, however it's safe to say they will be donor embryo conceived when we finally do. I struggled a lot with your question when we first decided to start down the donor road. I didn't want my "need" to have a child to superceed my

Manada

This question comes up a lot in queer/LGBTQ communities.   As someone who is in a lesbian-relationship and making babies, it has always been a given that our children would be donor-conceived, and we had to make choices about whether we would

samantha5110

This is all so empowering!! Thank you! We have both agreed that honesty is the best policy. And from birth we will talk about our journey as a family. No hiding! I would hate for my child to find out from someone else that we have deceived them. And the l

kk2bkd

Thank you everyone for your replies. I do worry about DD and her future but all of these posts have made me feel good. I agree with all the advice given. Thank you for asking and thanks for sharing

LittleLady77

I share there very same concerns. It's only recently I have found piece with the "squeaky wheel" concept. Thanks for this post OP 

LovelyLeech

I would like to comment as a donor conceived adult: A lot of us are unhappy. It's a truth that's out there, and you're going to bump into it. But a lot of us are happy too. I don't think we are "overall" defined by our origin. I think happy/not happy is too general and is obviously affected by more in life than just how we got here, right?

A lot of my peers are very...passionate? So I get the feelings involved when you read these angry rants online about how we are all unhappy...and the squeaky wheel thing.

There are a few different schools of thought among the adult DC community...which range from happy children that just "want to know", there are some that develop religious beliefs down the line that don't line up with their parents, there are some that are very certain they were "purchased" as toys for their parents without regard to the amputation of an entire side of their family trees. I won't comment on any of those viewpoints in regard to my opinion of them, as everyone is entitled to their feelings, and you very well may have children that fall into one of those categories. There are a few extremists I have met personally that I have clashed with and feel that their "method" of voicing their opinions is counterproductive to any changes they'd like - or I'd like - to be made within this industry.

Some people are against the entire process in general, but a lot aren't. The one thread that seems to unite us, regardless of our origin story, is the distaste for anonymity, specifically. The anonymous donor is currently illegal in several other countries, and there are strides being made currently in some countries as we "speak" here in these forums.  Most of us feel that the use of anonymous donors cuts us off from knowledge that is our right to know. This is where I weigh-in and passionately agree. I feel that my own origin through an anonymous donor has cut me off from siblings, cousins, grandparents, etc, in addition to my biological heritage, medical history...the list goes on. There are also times when I look in the mirror, and just wonder. Back when I was conceived, to my knowledge I don't think there were "open donors." So my mom didn't have much of a choice. I would like to see open donors be the only option, one day. I don't see any benefit for the child in taking away that knowledge...So ask yourself if you do?

I do support the science, however, and the ability for same-sex couples to do this, but like I said - not all agree. It's a complicated road. It's hard to call anyone's opinion wrong. So, the only advice I could give from my humble POV would be to be honest, be open, share all information with your child up front to avoid a feeling of deception when they - surprise! - find out through their own unexpected medical situations that their father isn't really their father (this has happened for SEVERAL of the people I've met) and just love your kid.

I do advocate, concretely, the use of open donors. For what it's worth, I have never met a DC adult who thought the anonymous donor was OK. I have met ones who "don't care" to know who the guy/girl is, but even they think they should have continuously updated medical information denied through the anonymous donor process.

Weight the pros and cons for your child. Remember that the anonymity passes down for generations. Your child's kids won't know one half of their grandparents, and they won't know half of their genetic heritage either. That could all be avoided by choosing an open donor.

Another question several donor conceived adults have brought up on the subject of anonymity is this: if you don't see adoption as an option, it is probably because a genetic link to your child was important to you. If that is the case for you, please appreciate that a genetic link to a biological parent could be just as important to your child. You wouldn't want someone saying you can't legally have a baby, and that's how some of us feel about being told we can't legally have access to our biological father/mother. 

My apologies if anything I post here is perceived as offensive, as it wasn't my intention, truly. My intention was to shed some light on what could be the voice of your future children.

Good luck with your pregnancy!

IRR

Thank you for this post.  As someone who has gone through 3 failed adoptions, we have a family friend that has offered to be our surrogate and we are using a donor egg.  The donor is "anonymous" but we did keep the option open when the child (if we are successful) will have a way to contact his/her mom.  I agree knowing your heritage is important, but I also see so many woman having children without "knowing" who the real father is and today 47% of births are to unmarried women, so the % of kids not knowing is growing as well.  Not saying all women don't know but there are many who don't.  I appreciate your POV and will keep this in mind as we continue our journey to becoming parents.

Chartm05

@LovelyLeech‌, thanks for your openness and honesty. MH and I are currently trying to figure out what the right option is for not only us but (hopefully) for any children we might have in the future. It's very hard for the hubs to be open to "open" donor sperm. He feeling is that he will be the child's father, so why would s/he need to go find someone else, same with embryo adoption/donation or traditional adoption. I gave him an overview of what you had said though and it definitely got both of us thinking about it in a different way.