Step kid

silverwings72

No, you are not a POS. Please don't think like that. The women who have commented have given you their honest opinion. I guess I'm not understanding what your original question is??
I can only speak form the experience of being a step daughter myself, never having been a step mother. I can say that the way in which you and your BF manage this, hopefully with dignity and class,will affect SD and her relationship with your child for many years to come. Best of luck to you.

Eta- words.

fyreandblood

fyreandblood said:

hthrtiminey said:

fyreandblood said:

Also, i learned from my mom (who was a stepmom herself for 13 years or more and her step kids hate her because their mom did the same thing your SD's mom is doing) that you really cant win as a SM. No matter what she did for her SKs, their mom generally wrecked it.

I totally get why this upset you. I think the wording was bad, but that's it. It probably stemmed from being really angry at the situation, which is understandable. I'm not judging you, just honestly side-eyeing your bf because dudebro needs to get on this and do what is best for his daughter and you. He needs to nip this crap with his ex in the ass because no matter what you do, SD's mom is going to wreck it unless someone does something. ETA (just saw your last comment): i get not wanting to cause issues, but there is a difference between being protective and actively trying to sabotage a burgeoning relationship. Telling her kid her new brother isn't a real brother and talking crap to her about you = the latter. If she was just wary of you, i'd say let it go. However, this could get WAY worse the older the SD gets. Imagine puberty after her mom's done this for years. It needs to end now.

I wish i could give some advice re: confronting her, but i think her immature behavior is the problem here, not you wanting some peace and quiet. That behavior could seriously damage her daughter. What do her personal feelings about you or her ex have to do with her daughter and why does she feel the need to talk to her daughter about you? It's so incredibly immature and shows she is doing what is best for HER, not her child. Youth is no excuse for being crappy to other people.

This!!! Exactly!!! Oooh that frustrates me so much about your mom being hated by her SK. It's a tough situation and one that's mostly a lose lose. Not to mention how much of a thankless position were in. It's just that...her moms immature and doesn't even realize she's really hurting her daughter by treating me that way. But I've learned to let it go cause her moms crazy and I'm not about to get into it with her again. Just gotta be the better person and hope her daughter sees the difference. My BF has tried telling her same thing but she's just out to get him too. Well never stop fighting for SD but gotta create a happy medium at some point. Thanks for understanding me, I was hoping at least one person would see where I'm coming from.

Absolutely. it's a very thankless task and i understand the resentment here. Problem is, kids do tend to side with their moms, esp young ones. I just wish SD's mom would do what everyone here is telling YOU to do and grow the fuck up/be a mother. You are not her mother. You and your bf aren't married. A confrontation needs to occur to protect your future and SD's future, but it seems like her mom won't get over herself, so what choice do you have here?

I get why everyone jumped on your case AT FIRST because there wasnt a ton of elaboration, but after your explanations, i really don't see what choices you have and i def don't agree with the "grow up and be a mom" statements. YOU don't have custody and you can't make absolute decisions here. Sadly, that responsibility lies with your BF, which is why i'd suggest a serious confrontation/discussion between him and SD's mom. She apparently needs to be told to calm down numerous times, cause lady isn't getting the picture! Most of these issues are stemming from her immaturity, not yours. Bad exes are seriously the worst and i am so sorry for you, your bf, and his daughter. </p>

Eta: this might also be a sensitive subject because some of the commenters are stepkids themselves and understand SD's predicament

hthrtiminey

Thanks for the reassurance that I'm not some immature pos. BF and I are trying to handle the situation with as much class as possible like always in hopes that SD sees the right side of things. We don't try to persuade any decision of hers and never will. My question I guess was should I refuse his mom to bring her against her will? It will be our week with her but her mom wants to keep her because she knows she doesn't want to go. We trying so hard to do what's best for her and not create an ugly situation. I appreciate the advice even the ones who think I suck, apparently.

wendyld

They think you suck because you completely backpedaled and are selling a radically different story than you started with, playing to the responses you received. I suspect most of them aren't buying this poor, stuck, well-meaning step mom act when you started out as a whiny brat who couldn't be bothered by her step kid now that she has a real one.

silverwings72

hthrtiminey said:

My boyfriend and I have been together for four years now and I'm pregnant with my first child his second. He has a daughter from a previous marriage who he has 50% of the custody. We both agree that she needs to stay with her mom the week we bring home the baby. Her mom has also agreed to watch her on our week until we get situated. But now my BF mom has gotten involved and thinks we are not including her. Being my first baby I feel I deserve the first few weeks with my son uninterrupted, but to his mom she thinks we're being selfish and has insisted she's bringing her to the hospital...is it wrong for me to refuse to have her there? Help!!!

Did we QFP?


Some things that may have gotten your responses- this quote- "Being my first baby I feel I deserve the first few weeks with my son uninterrupted" makes you sound like being around your 7 year old SD is a chore. It really makes it sound as though she is an interruption in your life.

I think the way you ended this statement- "is it wrong for me to refuse to have her there?" is what really threw us for a loop! If it's your week for her to be with her then why interrupt her schedule? And why would you refuse a 7 year old in meeting her sibling at the hospital??

Do you see why we may be a little confused and concerned? Just some things to think about...

mamatohne

1. You seem to be back peddling alot.
2. The biggest problem here is that your sd is not excited to meet her brother. This could be for two reasons. No one had made this exciting for her or she knows other people don't want her to be excited to meet her brother. Either way, she isn't making a choice that she want she is making a choice she thinks other people want her to make.
3. Changing her schedule is fucked up. Everything in her life should try to stay as much of the same way as possible. There is enough changes in her life at this point, keep what you can the same.
4. Shitty that bf's mom is getting involved, but honestly I don't know any grandparent that wouldn't do the same thing in the situation.
5. You don't "deserve" anything! You are the adult. Your sd deserves to be treated equal and fair.

luvalways77

Since I have a stepson it's hard for me to agree with that decision. Our situations are not the same, because Bio mom is not around and he lives with us, however that is her sibling coming into the world and I think it would be wonderful to start the bond right away. My SS is very excited about his little sister; he wants to buy her toys and outfits, he likes shopping with me; and I can't wait for him to meet her. Even if she just gets to come to the hospital to see her brother. but it would be nice if she got to spend more time as well. I love sibling bonding!

luvalways77

jaminjeff said:

The first person to meet my son after he was born (other than me and my husband) was my step-son, that was my rule, he got to come in before the grandparents and spend as much time with HJ as he wanted.  I would have never dreamed of sending him to stay with his mother so I could get situated, just like I won't be sending HJ off with anyone while I get situated with baby #3.  Her world is changing too and the last thing she needs is to feel like she's a burden.

I like that you had your step son come in before other relatives. It's a special time and I'm sure he will remember that moment. DH and I have not arranged anything, but I would love for my stepson to be at the hospital right after she's born. How sweet

alysonmh

I think not letting her see the baby even once the first few weeks isn't very considerate of your stepdaughter's feelings, she's part of the family too. Parents don't just get to cast off their children for weeks at a time whenever they have a new baby, that's not how being a parent works. It's very easy for a child to feel left our when a new baby comes into the picture and it's important that we as parents make a sincere effort to minimize those feelings. I agree with PP that at a minimum you should ask your stepdaughter what would make her most comfortable and leave it up to her because her feelings are just as important as yours. 

jlaferne

I understand you wanting it to be a special time with just you and your husband and celebrating your first child.

fyreandblood

Hmm yeah. I didn't read too much into the original post because i know original posts can be pretty fucked up wordingwise, but some of those quotes do come off as whiny, immature, and almost cruel.

I do still stand by the point that SD's mom is a problem, but i also kinda think everyone is, esp based on reading the original post a bit more closely. Seems like you might have some hidden resentment toward SD because of her mom. Also seems like the bf doesnt want to sit down and have a much needed talk with his ex, which strikes me as immature.

Seriously sit down and talk to each other like adults and solve these issues. SD does not need to live in an environment that is rife with resentment and immaturity. Let the grandma take her to the hospital. It's weird that she's involved, but the drama needs to stop for SD's sake, so i'd just suck it up and let her. Adults are sometimes so wrapped up in personal feelings and such that they don't think about the feelings of the kids involved. Step back and think of who you would side with in this situation as a 7 year old -- your dad's gf or your mom?

Just have her come to the hospital. Fuck, have her mom come too if it's during her section of the schedule. Just solve the damn drama before it really messes up your step daughter.

hthrtiminey

I had a super long, emotional talk to my BF last night about all of it and everyone's advice. He's set up a meeting with SDs mom to clear things up and were putting our foot down on having her meet him ASAP! We want nothing more than a smooth transition for SD and hoping all of us together can get to the right decision for her! Thanks fryeandblood!

lisaren

I'm confused as to why anyone would suggest to have a 7yr old decide this??

You're the adult. Someone is the parent. They decide.

I have 4 children. When my last two girls were born my older kids did not meet them right away, they were at their dads. And you know what, it's ok!! They were ok. Nothing broke them. I NEEDED to make it special and meaningful. I'm mama I know best.
Guess what... they're fine. Well most days.
My point is, you're not a bad person by wanting time. I don't know maybe you're a shitty person because of something else. But this, no. But I think your delivery and filter did kinda suck.

Happy tuesday!