Step kid

hthrtiminey

My boyfriend and I have been together for four years now and I'm pregnant with my first child his second. He has a daughter from a previous marriage who he has 50% of the custody. We both agree that she needs to stay with her mom the week we bring home the baby. Her mom has also agreed to watch her on our week until we get situated. But now my BF mom has gotten involved and thinks we are not including her. Being my first baby I feel I deserve the first few weeks with my son uninterrupted, but to his mom she thinks we're being selfish and has insisted she's bringing her to the hospital...is it wrong for me to refuse to have her there? Help!!!

missnacholover

tigerpawie

His daughter is your LO's half sister. She deserves some respect as the big sister and the opportunity to meet her newborn brother. If she's being excluded from certain events, there'll be some jealousy and that is not fair to her and your son. If you want to nurture a wonderful sibling bond, at least make an effort to include her at the hospital for at least an hour just for her to meet her little brother. It's an exciting day, don't leave her out.

My DD and DS will be half-siblings of this LO and I would never dream of refusing their visit to the hospital to meet their half brother. I also plan on maintaining the same schedule with 50/50 custody so we can get started on a schedule from day one.

hthrtiminey

Another problem I've forgotten to mention is we asked her if she wants to go to the hospital or wait until he's home and she would rather wait?

uncharted01

I totally agree with @tigerpawie - Also, if she was your biological daughter, you probably wouldn't have the option of having her stay with someone else. I understand wanting to settle in, but your step daughter is a part of your family and I think you should make an effort to include her. Speaking as a step child myself, it sucks to feel excluded or feel like you're not really family.

Also, hi?

cindyNmark2010

Hi, nice to meet ya........Um, as a stepmom myself I wouldn't ever think if disrupting my SS's schedule, especially since it sounds like the first week isn't your week anyway.  Reading your OP, it sounds like you don't want her for 2 weeks or at the hospital? 

I can see exactly what the grandmother is saying.....SD would have every reson to feel left out because it sounds like you're not including her.  How healthy is that for her, and how else is she supposed to feel? 

SS lives with us 24-7 and we're afraid he's going to feel left out.  This is my first too, I don't feel like I deserve to have my son to myself.....we're a family and my SS deserves to know his brother asap. Being selfless about important things is part of being a parent and part of being with someone who has children already.  The kids come first.   

hthrtiminey said:

My boyfriend and I have been together for four years now and I'm pregnant with my first child his second. He has a daughter from a previous marriage who he has 50% of the custody. We both agree that she needs to stay with her mom the week we bring home the baby. Her mom has also agreed to watch her on our week until we get situated. But now my BF mom has gotten involved and thinks we are not including her. Being my first baby I feel I deserve the first few weeks with my son uninterrupted, but to his mom she thinks we're being selfish and has insisted she's bringing her to the hospital...is it wrong for me to refuse to have her there? Help!!!

missnacholover

Now that we've met, I'd say, yes, it's ridiculous for you to "refuse" to have SD there.  I mean, this is her sibling, FFS.  Grow up and be a mom.

Dimples0101

tigerpawie said:

His daughter is your LO's half sister. She deserves some respect as the big sister and the opportunity to meet her newborn brother. If she's being excluded from certain events, there'll be some jealousy and that is not fair to her and your son. If you want to nurture a wonderful sibling bond, at least make an effort to include her at the hospital for at least an hour just for her to meet her little brother. It's an exciting day, don't leave her out. My DD and DS will be half-siblings of this LO and I would never dream of refusing their visit to the hospital to meet their half brother. I also plan on maintaining the same schedule with 50/50 custody so we can get started on a schedule from day one.

This exactly.  Having a new baby can be tough on a sibling.  Keeping your SD away for a week will only make her feel more alienated.

wallygirl

uncharted01 said:

I totally agree with @tigerpawie - Also, if she was your biological daughter, you probably wouldn't have the option of having her stay with someone else. I understand wanting to settle in, but your step daughter is a part of your family and I think you should make an effort to include her. Speaking as a step child myself, it sucks to feel excluded or feel like you're not really family.

Also, hi?

All of this. Plus it is a huge pet peeve of mine when people don't treat their step child as their own. You knew going in he had a child therefore when you choose him you choose the child. You shouldn't treat her like any less of an important part of your life together just because you are having a baby. Her life is changing too. She's getting a sibling if you don't want issues down the road you better include her from the beginning.

Dumbgurl04

How hold is this SD?  Plus maybe her saying she would rather wait until he is home from the hospital before she meets him could be cause she notices you don't want her around. 

HappyToBeHere

Dumbgurl04 said:

How hold is this SD?  Plus maybe her saying she would rather wait until he is home from the hospital before she meets him could be cause she notices you don't want her around. 

My thoughts exactly.  If she picked up on the fact that you don't want her around, she may not feel comfortable going to the hospital.  Put yourself in her shoes; how would YOU feel if you knew your stepmom didn't want you around for the first while because this is "her" baby?  Sure wouldn't make me feel like a part of the family.

manders9479

I feel it would be really hurtful to not allow your step daughter to meet her half sibling on the day they are born.  I understand wanting to settle in once home, being a new mom yourself, but I think SD at the very least deserves to see their sibling in the hospital.

phdprocrastinator

I think it's wonderful that you know exactly who will care for you SD as your labor - and you won't have to stress about what happens if there are complications in the hospital, etc.

In your position, I would certainly invite SD to the hospital.  She can refuse, but I think she'd want to be involved.  And honestly, once you have the baby you're not doing all that much in the hospital.  

Regarding where she stays for the week that you come back from the hospital: I think this decision may be best addressed by considering what's going on with her schedule.  She's old enough to discuss how challenging that first week can be (lack of sleep, etc.) and how that might impact her usual routine (getting ready for school, doing homework, getting to extracurriculars).  Then, I would ask her what she would rather do: stay with her mom (knowing that her dad and step-mom would miss her terribly) or stay with you (knowing that you will be a bit overwhelmed).  If she does stay with her mom, I would try working with her mom to see if she can visit throughout the week - maybe for dinner, or just to play with her new brother after school for a bit.  

The entire conversation should be framed as "what is best for SD during this transition" and NOT "what is best for the parents during this transition," which is what it sounds like you are doing now.

manders9479

@phdprocratinator I think you said it perfectly.  

ssstephanie214

I get why you are anxious about having another kid around but you have to find a way to include her. Imagine how she feels. She is actually a lot more susceptible to emotional harm than you are right now.

I think to make up for you being selfish and immature, you gotta take her out to get a "big sister" t shirt or something.

jaminjeff

The first person to meet my son after he was born (other than me and my husband) was my step-son, that was my rule, he got to come in before the grandparents and spend as much time with HJ as he wanted.  I would have never dreamed of sending him to stay with his mother so I could get situated, just like I won't be sending HJ off with anyone while I get situated with baby #3.  Her world is changing too and the last thing she needs is to feel like she's a burden.

jj0313

I can't even type anything.

hthrtiminey

I appreciate all the advice and I've accepted it all! SD is seven and we have so far included her in everything from the second we found out, she got a big sister tshirt, helped with the nursery, was in pictures, and of course we've tried explaining all that comes with a new baby. She did not take the news too well at first and we believe that to be because of her mom. But that's a whole other issue. That being said we still felt it best to have her stay with her biological mom for the first week. This was decided between my BF and his ex due to the fact her mom is worried about her and that is what SD wants. When we asked her all together if she wants to be at the hospital or at her moms she chose her moms and that's what we left it at. Is her mom swaying her decision? I can't be for sure. But now BF mom is pissed and I'm stuck in the middle. I've known his daughter since she was 3 and I've never not considered her my own. I'm in no way being selfish I'm trying to make a million people happy at once and also enjoy a drama free week with my new baby.

freetobekristin

hthrtiminey said:  BF mom has gotten involved and thinks we are not including her. Being my first baby I feel I deserve the first few weeks with my son uninterrupted

Your BF's mom thinks that because you are in fact not including her; good for your BF's mom to actually care about your BF's daughter & have the guts to say something.  I believe you already know that its selfish & wrong, but you're trying to justify it.  I can barely stand the thought of my dogs not meeting our LO for a couple of days and yet you're pushing your son's SIBLING away for a few weeks..unbelievable.  Would you feel differently if she was your biological daughter?  

It makes me sad that your BF didn't insist that his daughter be included.

edit: my quote box disappeared.

hthrtiminey

Thank you!!

jj0313

I think its fine to keep her at moms house for a week-I just think she should have the ability to come to the hospital and say hi.

Also, I've been reading this whole thread like bf stands for best friend and I've been so confused!

hthrtiminey

Econosaurus said:

I'm kind of bothered that you make such a big distinction between your stepdaughter and this baby. I come from a  blended family and it would never occur to me that you are "entitled" to time with just the newborn. From the day my mom and stepdad moved in together and we became a family under one roof (regardless of custody arrnagements), that was it. This is your FAMILY, you don't get to pick and choose membership, If anything you should be trying extra hard to be inclusive and use this as a way to bring everyone together, not make distinctions and drive your kids apart. 

I'm not trying to make a huge distinction between them but that's how it has to be because SD mom is very protective of her daughter even remotely being considered part of me. She's already told SD things like it's not even a real brother it's only half. So I'm trying not to step on her toes but at the same time I'm trying to be a mom to her as well and it's very rough. I'm hated by her mom and her mom tells her things about me so that SD will hate me too. It's very frustrating but I'm not giving up. She's just as part of our family as anyone and she knows it.

jaminjeff

hthrtiminey said:

I appreciate all the advice and I've accepted it all! SD is seven and we have so far included her in everything from the second we found out, she got a big sister tshirt, helped with the nursery, was in pictures, and of course we've tried explaining all that comes with a new baby. She did not take the news too well at first and we believe that to be because of her mom. But that's a whole other issue. That being said we still felt it best to have her stay with her biological mom for the first week. This was decided between my BF and his ex due to the fact her mom is worried about her and that is what SD wants. When we asked her all together if she wants to be at the hospital or at her moms she chose her moms and that's what we left it at. Is her mom swaying her decision? I can't be for sure. But now BF mom is pissed and I'm stuck in the middle. I've known his daughter since she was 3 and I've never not considered her my own. I'm in no way being selfish I'm trying to make a million people happy at once and also enjoy a drama free week with my new baby.

Maybe, but the more likely answer is that she's 7 and add on top of that she won't be the "baby" anymore after 7 years of being the one and only child in her dad's life and that's certainly a shocker.

hthrtiminey

Econosaurus said:

hthrtiminey said:

Econosaurus said:

I'm kind of bothered that you make such a big distinction between your stepdaughter and this baby. I come from a  blended family and it would never occur to me that you are "entitled" to time with just the newborn. From the day my mom and stepdad moved in together and we became a family under one roof (regardless of custody arrnagements), that was it. This is your FAMILY, you don't get to pick and choose membership, If anything you should be trying extra hard to be inclusive and use this as a way to bring everyone together, not make distinctions and drive your kids apart. 

I'm not trying to make a huge distinction between them but that's how it has to be because SD mom is very protective of her daughter even remotely being considered part of me. She's already told SD things like it's not even a real brother it's only half. So I'm trying not to step on her toes but at the same time I'm trying to be a mom to her as well and it's very rough. I'm hated by her mom and her mom tells her things about me so that SD will hate me too. It's very frustrating but I'm not giving up. She's just as part of our family as anyone and she knows it.

She might be unkind about you but if she is  saying that your stepdaughter should be included more you should take that and run with it. With a relationship like that it sounds like a real opportunity that she is willing to suggest more time and attention from your end of things. 

I wish that was the case but no my BF ex ....SD mom...wants nothing to do with me because she sees me as interfering with her daughters life rather than just being like another mom to her.

oklahomamom09

I know I haven't posted much, but having a step daughter myself I feel that you need to leave the decision up to your SD and not anyone else. If she wants to come over half way through her week, let her. We honestly haven't talked about what SD's plans will be when we have our baby honestly because we know either way everything will work itself out. I kinda feel like as long as everyone is willing to help out if things get rough with school and after school activities the first few weeks then you should keep your regular routine so SD doesnt get off schedule and she gets to make that connection with her little brother which is the most important.

hthrtiminey

chesneybrynn said:

I know I haven't posted much, but having a step daughter myself I feel that you need to leave the decision up to your SD and not anyone else. If she wants to come over half way through her week, let her. We honestly haven't talked about what SD's plans will be when we have our baby honestly because we know either way everything will work itself out. I kinda feel like as long as everyone is willing to help out if things get rough with school and after school activities the first few weeks then you should keep your regular routine so SD doesnt get off schedule and she gets to make that connection with her little brother which is the most important.

Thank you☺️

hthrtiminey

StacyMarie33 said:

hthrtiminey said:

I appreciate all the advice and I've accepted it all! SD is seven and we have so far included her in everything from the second we found out, she got a big sister tshirt, helped with the nursery, was in pictures, and of course we've tried explaining all that comes with a new baby. She did not take the news too well at first and we believe that to be because of her mom. But that's a whole other issue. That being said we still felt it best to have her stay with her biological mom for the first week. This was decided between my BF and his ex due to the fact her mom is worried about her and that is what SD wants. When we asked her all together if she wants to be at the hospital or at her moms she chose her moms and that's what we left it at. Is her mom swaying her decision? I can't be for sure. But now BF mom is pissed and I'm stuck in the middle. I've known his daughter since she was 3 and I've never not considered her my own. I'm in no way being selfish I'm trying to make a million people happy at once and also enjoy a drama free week with my new baby.

All of this contradicts what you originally said about "deserving to have the first few weeks uninterrupted with your baby. "

It now sounds like your SDs mom is the one swaying her judgment about not seeing her new sibling. If you have been including her since the beginning, I don't see why you wouldn't try to continue to do so. She doesn't need to stay with you the first week but I would certainly make an effort for her to meet her new sibling in the hospital. I would also make an effort to have her to visit in that first week if she is not going to be staying with you. Just for a few hours so she does feel included instead if excluded.

Yes I definitely worded it wrong in the beginning. I didn't realize that until I saw so much hate. But what I meant by "not being interrupted"is by BF mom not trying to butt in on everything and all the drama that comes from it. She thinks she can just bring her up to the hospital no big deal but we've already gotten a no from her mom unless SD says she wants to go. That's all I meant by that, but I was definitely just trying to get everything out at once and it came out wrong. SD's mom, and dad, are leaving the decision up to SD. If she doesn't want to come to the hospital then, no, I don't want her there cause that means she's being forced and that's the last thing I want her to feel. I can see BF's mom forcing her and that's not ok with me. I don't think I'm wrong in that sense.

fyreandblood

I don't have any SKs, but i have had to deal with vindictive exes and can understand how difficult that is, esp with a kid in the middle. I don't think your bf's mom should have gotten involved, i think your bf should stand up and be an actual father. This SD is 7. Like PP stated, she should be deciding what activities she likes, not whether or not she meets her new brother.

Also i would be pissed that bf hasnt told the ex to knock off the crap talking. Yeah, SD is her kid, but what if you guys get married? You'll be in their lives for awhile. She needs to knock off the immature behavior and stop telling her kid lies about her family. That can cause serious emotional issues.

Seriously, tell your bf to grow the fuck up and talk to his ex. It's your responsibility to develop a relationship with SD, but you don't make the arrangements. Your bf is the dad and has some authority here. Get him to talk to her or confront her yourself. Lady needs to grow up and you need to nip this crap in the bud before SD gets any older and another kid is in the mix. Personal adult feelings of resentment and jealousy should not be expressed to a child. Ridiculous.

CPM13

missnacholover said:

Now that we've met, I'd say, yes, it's ridiculous for you to "refuse" to have SD there.  I mean, this is her sibling, FFS.  Grow up and be a mom.

This. Exactly. 

lesliegolem

Yea I don't have any step children but totally agree with fyreandblood, your BF's mom shouldn't have gotten involved at all. This situation sounds messy enough. My SIL has 4 step kids and has to deal with 2 exes so I know there's more going on probably than just what you're posting.

Yes think you worded it wrong in your first post, upon reading your further posts and everyone's responses really think it should be up to the SD what she wants to do. But other than her only ones who should be involved is you, BF and SD's mom. Grandma should not be involved. I'm surprised your BF isn't fighting for the SD to be more involved with the baby once she's born. Sucks think your SD is stuck in the middle of a crappy situation.

Edited cause words are hard.

hthrtiminey

I really really appreciate all the advice. For those people telling me to grow the "f" up...you've clearly never been in a custody battle or dealt with a crazy ex. I'm very grown up and a very nice selfless person and just asking for simple advice in a really tough situation. I think we've stuck with our original decision to let SD decide. Her dad has in fact stepped in about the "crap talking" her mom was doing. It was causing serious issues with her coming over for her week and it was not easy dealing with but so far she's laid off of it and SD is doing a lot better about getting another sibling. I understand where some ppl think I should not to give her the choice about meeting her brother, but, because she's already voiced being nervous about going to hospital and we want what's best for her that's what we've decided. Not being married to her dad, as much as id like to butt in, legally I just can't. I'm a very civil person and it's been rough already we don't need anymore issues especially for the sake of SD. Her mom is very young and protective and when comes down to it my BF does not want to cause issues. she's messed his life up plenty already. That's not to say he isn't standing up for his daughter because he's just trying to do what's best without causing a scene and his mom always wants to butt in. He's going to tell her this is a choice between the 4 of us and that's that.

hthrtiminey

lesliegolem said:

Yea I don't have any step children but totally agree with fyreandblood, your BF's mom shouldn't have gotten involved at all. This situation sounds messy enough. My SIL has 4 step kids and has to deal with 2 exes so I know there's more going on

This exactly! Thanks!

fyreandblood

Also, i learned from my mom (who was a stepmom herself for 13 years or more and her step kids hate her because their mom did the same thing your SD's mom is doing) that you really cant win as a SM. No matter what she did for her SKs, their mom generally wrecked it.

I totally get why this upset you. I think the wording was bad, but that's it. It probably stemmed from being really angry at the situation, which is understandable. I'm not judging you, just honestly side-eyeing your bf because dudebro needs to get on this and do what is best for his daughter and you. He needs to nip this crap with his ex in the ass because no matter what you do, SD's mom is going to wreck it unless someone does something. ETA (just saw your last comment): i get not wanting to cause issues, but there is a difference between being protective and actively trying to sabotage a burgeoning relationship. Telling her kid her new brother isn't a real brother and talking crap to her about you = the latter. If she was just wary of you, i'd say let it go. However, this could get WAY worse the older the SD gets. Imagine puberty after her mom's done this for years. It needs to end now.

I wish i could give some advice re: confronting her, but i think her immature behavior is the problem here, not you wanting some peace and quiet. That behavior could seriously damage her daughter. What do her personal feelings about you or her ex have to do with her daughter and why does she feel the need to talk to her daughter about you? It's so incredibly immature and shows she is doing what is best for HER, not her child. Youth is no excuse for being crappy to other people.

hthrtiminey

missnacholover said:

Now that we've met, I'd say, yes, it's ridiculous for you to "refuse" to have SD there.  I mean, this is her sibling, FFS.  Grow up and be a mom.

We haven't met, or else you probably wouldn't be telling me to grow up and be a mom. I'm trying, I have been for 4 years now even through all the custody battles and SD's mom turning me into this awful person that I'm not. The refusing to have her is because SD has said no a million times to us about going and my BFs mom wants to force her...the only way against that is to tell his mom no and refuse her bringing her. It sounds harsh but I feel his mom just doesn't need to be involved.

hthrtiminey

lovebuggies1 said:

hthrtiminey said:

I really really appreciate all the advice. For those people telling me to grow the "f" up...you've clearly never been in a custody battle or dealt with a crazy ex. I'm very grown up and a very nice selfless person and just asking for simple advice in a really tough situation. I think we've stuck with our original decision to let SD decide. Her dad has in fact stepped in about the "crap talking" her mom was doing. It was causing serious issues with her coming over for her week and it was not easy dealing with but so far she's laid off of it and SD is doing a lot better about getting another sibling. I understand where some ppl think I should not to give her the choice about meeting her brother, but, because she's already voiced being nervous about going to hospital and we want what's best for her that's what we've decided. Not being married to her dad, as much as id like to butt in, legally I just can't. I'm a very civil person and it's been rough already we don't need anymore issues especially for the sake of SD. Her mom is very young and protective and when comes down to it my BF does not want to cause issues. she's messed his life up plenty already. That's not to say he isn't standing up for his daughter because he's just trying to do what's best without causing a scene and his mom always wants to butt in. He's going to tell her this is a choice between the 4 of us and that's that.

Yea, I'm not married either. And my boyfriend's ex wife's crazy ass would probably make yours seem like a cool bff... So I do get it, just don't agree with the majority of it. Sounds like you already made your decision so not sure what the original question was? Did we think mom should butt out? Answer still nope for me. Sounds like she's the only person that's sticking up for SD since no one else is.

My BF ex has effed up my life in so many ways there's no way in hell I'd consider her a bff! I love SD to death and obviously that's why I'm still around. My BF mom is not sticking up for SD she's trying to force her to go when she's made it clear she doesn't want to.

fyreandblood

hthrtiminey said:

lovebuggies1 said:

hthrtiminey said:

I really really appreciate all the advice. For those people telling me to grow the "f" up...you've clearly never been in a custody battle or dealt with a crazy ex. I'm very grown up and a very nice selfless person and just asking for simple advice in a really tough situation. I think we've stuck with our original decision to let SD decide. Her dad has in fact stepped in about the "crap talking" her mom was doing. It was causing serious issues with her coming over for her week and it was not easy dealing with but so far she's laid off of it and SD is doing a lot better about getting another sibling. I understand where some ppl think I should not to give her the choice about meeting her brother, but, because she's already voiced being nervous about going to hospital and we want what's best for her that's what we've decided. Not being married to her dad, as much as id like to butt in, legally I just can't. I'm a very civil person and it's been rough already we don't need anymore issues especially for the sake of SD. Her mom is very young and protective and when comes down to it my BF does not want to cause issues. she's messed his life up plenty already. That's not to say he isn't standing up for his daughter because he's just trying to do what's best without causing a scene and his mom always wants to butt in. He's going to tell her this is a choice between the 4 of us and that's that.

Yea, I'm not married either. And my boyfriend's ex wife's crazy ass would probably make yours seem like a cool bff... So I do get it, just don't agree with the majority of it. Sounds like you already made your decision so not sure what the original question was? Did we think mom should butt out? Answer still nope for me. Sounds like she's the only person that's sticking up for SD since no one else is.

My BF ex has effed up my life in so many ways there's no way in hell I'd consider her a bff! I love SD to death and obviously that's why I'm still around. My BF mom is not sticking up for SD she's trying to force her to go when she's made it clear she doesn't want to.

Tbh BF's mom forcing her to go won't do anything to help here. Of course SD would do what her mom feels comfy with, girl is 7! I don't think you need to prove you care about SD, since it seems like you and BF are trying to avoid serious drama while also respecting her wishes. I don't get why his mom even got involved, since this is between you, your BF, SD, and her mom (who needs to grow the fuck up herself imho). Maybe a sit down confrontation is in order? Sometimes you have to bite the bullet and lay everything out on the table. It could get so much worse otherwise.

silverwings72

I think @fyreandblood‌ and @lovebuggies1‌ said it best. I cant imagine asking a seven year old to choose whether she wanted to go to the hospital or not. That's what parents are for. Children have small heads because they have small brains which makes executive thinking a little difficult sometimes. If BF mother is saying she should be included then maybe she knows something she isn't telling you. Maybe SD is afraid to tell you because she doesn't feel comfortable.
I can't imagine any sibling being told they need to stay away from their newborn sibling for the first few weeks because Mom wants time for just her and the baby. It is seriously mind boggling to me that you would even make that a distinction.
@missnacholover‌ is right on the money- grow up and be a mother. Sorrynotsorry.

hthrtiminey

fyreandblood said:

Also, i learned from my mom (who was a stepmom herself for 13 years or more and her step kids hate her because their mom did the same thing your SD's mom is doing) that you really cant win as a SM. No matter what she did for her SKs, their mom generally wrecked it.

I totally get why this upset you. I think the wording was bad, but that's it. It probably stemmed from being really angry at the situation, which is understandable. I'm not judging you, just honestly side-eyeing your bf because dudebro needs to get on this and do what is best for his daughter and you. He needs to nip this crap with his ex in the ass because no matter what you do, SD's mom is going to wreck it unless someone does something. ETA (just saw your last comment): i get not wanting to cause issues, but there is a difference between being protective and actively trying to sabotage a burgeoning relationship. Telling her kid her new brother isn't a real brother and talking crap to her about you = the latter. If she was just wary of you, i'd say let it go. However, this could get WAY worse the older the SD gets. Imagine puberty after her mom's done this for years. It needs to end now.

I wish i could give some advice re: confronting her, but i think her immature behavior is the problem here, not you wanting some peace and quiet. That behavior could seriously damage her daughter. What do her personal feelings about you or her ex have to do with her daughter and why does she feel the need to talk to her daughter about you? It's so incredibly immature and shows she is doing what is best for HER, not her child. Youth is no excuse for being crappy to other people.

This!!! Exactly!!! Oooh that frustrates me so much about your mom being hated by her SK. It's a tough situation and one that's mostly a lose lose. Not to mention how much of a thankless position were in. It's just that...her moms immature and doesn't even realize she's really hurting her daughter by treating me that way. But I've learned to let it go cause her moms crazy and I'm not about to get into it with her again. Just gotta be the better person and hope her daughter sees the difference. My BF has tried telling her same thing but she's just out to get him too. Well never stop fighting for SD but gotta create a happy medium at some point. Thanks for understanding me, I was hoping at least one person would see where I'm coming from.

fyreandblood

hthrtiminey said:

fyreandblood said:

Also, i learned from my mom (who was a stepmom herself for 13 years or more and her step kids hate her because their mom did the same thing your SD's mom is doing) that you really cant win as a SM. No matter what she did for her SKs, their mom generally wrecked it.

I totally get why this upset you. I think the wording was bad, but that's it. It probably stemmed from being really angry at the situation, which is understandable. I'm not judging you, just honestly side-eyeing your bf because dudebro needs to get on this and do what is best for his daughter and you. He needs to nip this crap with his ex in the ass because no matter what you do, SD's mom is going to wreck it unless someone does something. ETA (just saw your last comment): i get not wanting to cause issues, but there is a difference between being protective and actively trying to sabotage a burgeoning relationship. Telling her kid her new brother isn't a real brother and talking crap to her about you = the latter. If she was just wary of you, i'd say let it go. However, this could get WAY worse the older the SD gets. Imagine puberty after her mom's done this for years. It needs to end now.

I wish i could give some advice re: confronting her, but i think her immature behavior is the problem here, not you wanting some peace and quiet. That behavior could seriously damage her daughter. What do her personal feelings about you or her ex have to do with her daughter and why does she feel the need to talk to her daughter about you? It's so incredibly immature and shows she is doing what is best for HER, not her child. Youth is no excuse for being crappy to other people.

This!!! Exactly!!! Oooh that frustrates me so much about your mom being hated by her SK. It's a tough situation and one that's mostly a lose lose. Not to mention how much of a thankless position were in. It's just that...her moms immature and doesn't even realize she's really hurting her daughter by treating me that way. But I've learned to let it go cause her moms crazy and I'm not about to get into it with her again. Just gotta be the better person and hope her daughter sees the difference. My BF has tried telling her same thing but she's just out to get him too. Well never stop fighting for SD but gotta create a happy medium at some point. Thanks for understanding me, I was hoping at least one person would see where I'm coming from.

Absolutely. it's a very thankless task and i understand the resentment here. Problem is, kids do tend to side with their moms, esp young ones. I just wish SD's mom would do what everyone here is telling YOU to do and grow the fuck up/be a mother. You are not her mother. You and your bf aren't married. A confrontation needs to occur to protect your future and SD's future, but it seems like her mom won't get over herself, so what choice do you have here?

I get why everyone jumped on your case AT FIRST because there wasnt a ton of elaboration, but after your explanations, i really don't see what choices you have and i def don't agree with the "grow up and be a mom" statements. YOU don't have custody and you can't make absolute decisions here. Sadly, that responsibility lies with your BF, which is why i'd suggest a serious confrontation/discussion between him and SD's mom. She apparently needs to be told to calm down numerous times, cause lady isn't getting the picture! Most of these issues are stemming from her immaturity, not yours. Bad exes are seriously the worst and i am so sorry for you, your bf, and his daughter.

hthrtiminey

silverwings72 said:

I think @fyreandblood‌ and @lovebuggies1‌ said it best. I cant imagine asking a seven year old to choose whether she wanted to go to the hospital or not. That's what parents are for.

Yes, and like I've pointed out I'm the"STEP MOM" I have no say! Her mom lets her have choices and because of that I'm stuck between having cops at my door cause her daughters being "forced" or letting her keep her choice! If you were a step mom or in a custody battle ever you would understand! I know what this lady is capable of I'm not wanting issues during a time period that is supposed to be the best of my life. I'm not an immature pos like everyone is making me seem like I'm simply trying to make everyone happy.

jaminjeff

hthrtiminey said:

I think @fyreandblood‌ and @lovebuggies1‌ said it best. I cant imagine asking a seven year old to choose whether she wanted to go to the hospital or not. That's what parents are for. Yes, and like I've pointed out I'm the"STEP MOM" I have no say! Her mom lets her have choices and because of that I'm stuck between having cops at my door cause her daughters being "forced" or letting her keep her choice! If you were a step mom or in a custody battle ever you would understand! I know what this lady is capable of I'm not wanting issues during a time period that is supposed to be the best of my life. I'm not an immature pos like everyone is making me seem like I'm simply trying to make everyone happy.

Why would the cops be at your door?  Why not just follow your current custody agreement and have her on the days she's supposed to be there?  If BM is so bent on keeping her away when you feel like she should be there, then fine, on her days she can keep her away, but if your custody agreement says that this week she's with dad, why is that even an issue?

And I've dealt with the crazy BM for 15 years.  To the point that my step-son is now 20, a junior in college and does not even speak to his BM.  He packed up and moved in with us 100% the day he turned 18 and hasn't looked back.  To the point her number is blocked from his phone and the only way she can contact him is through his college e-mail address that she e-mails daily and he doesn't reply to.