N3TR: I'm so lost and such a mess about this.... (children mentioned)

Chasity08

***WARNING: CHILDREN ARE MENTIONED IN THIS POST***
***2nd Warning: Sexual Abuse mentioned***

 

 

So I have pretty much been MIA over the last week or so. And I am seriously struggling right now, and I'm just not sure who to talk to, and you ladies have been such a huge support system for me through IF that I just feel like I need to get this out, and I hope it's ok that I post this here, if not, MODS let me know and I'll delete.

Without going in to extreme details, my daughter has made some sexual allegations against my step-son. They are both 6 years old. CPS has since gotten involved to make sure there was no negligence on any of the parental figures' parts (which was just horrifying to have to get questioned by CPS). Of course no negligence was found as the children were never left without a care giver. This was something that happened during naptime at the baby sitter. I don't blame her in any way, I don't sit in the room while the kids sleep either. And the kids have always slept in the same room during nap time, no matter who they were with, so I don't feel there was any wrong doing on the baby sitter's fault.

CPS is recommending counseling for both children, which is the one silver lining in all of this because we have been trying to get DH's ex to put my step son in counseling for quite a while because of his serious aggression issues (he lives out of state, just comes back for summer and xmas, so we need her on board with the counseling thing to continue it out there), but I am just heartbroken and sick over this whole thing. I have never felt like more of a failure.

I know this is probably not the place for this, and I'm sorry for that, but I just needed to get this out to someone, and it's not something I necessarily want to share with my co-workers (which is pretty much the only people I see anymore because I've been on mandatory overtime since forever with no end in sight and I'm putting in 50+ hour work weeks right now), and I just felt like I was about to explode in to tears while trying to choke down my lunch.

Any prayers anyone is willing to offer...I'm willing to accept. I just need some strength to get through all of this mess right now.

Thanks for letting me vent ladies.

 

**Edited to add 2nd warning trigger**

LindseyM2012

I am so sorry. That is heartbreaking. I hope you and your family pull through this ok. Hang in there. The dust will eventually settle.

I used to work with kids who had involvement with CPS so please don't hesitate to PM me if you need to talk.

theholmanherd

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I don't know if it's necessary, but you may want to put a trigger warning on this post. Just in case someone has experienced sexual abuse in some way and may not want to read this. I don't have advice other than I think it's wonderful they will get counseling. I hope it helps. Good luck. Prayers coming your way.

dancerspose

I am so sorry you and your family are going through this.  I can't even imagine.  I am sending lots of positive thoughts and prayers and HUGS your way.

Chasity08

Thank you so much for all of your kind words ladies. I'm sorry it took so long to respond, work is killing me right now. Although it's kind of a nice getaway, as terrible as this sounds.

 

I'm waiting to hear back from CPS in California as they haven't closed their case as of yet (and I don't know why) and currently the only counselor I could find for my daughter (counseling was "strongly suggested" by CPS) that takes my insurance and accepts peds doesn't have an opening until October 28, which at that appointment will just be me by myself giving the background, and then scheduling for my daughter to come back, but that could be another month, and it just seems to me that it would do more harm than good to be trying to move past this and then make her talk about it again 2 1/2 months later. So I'm just going to keep looking and hope I can find someone to take her sooner. I just really want to move past all of this. Of course I want my daughter to feel comfortable with the outcome of the situation as well, but I just feel moving forward is the best type of healing for someone her age.

Thanks again for all of the support and kind words though and I will put a trigger in about the abuse. Thank you for the suggestion @theholmanherd, and I apologize if I upset anyone without the trigger.

BunnyBerry

I'm so sorry for you and your family. I hope counseling will be able to address the issues fully and healing will come to all. I just said a prayer for your family's peace and safety through all of this. I think you must be a wonderful mother since your daughter knew to come forward with something she was uncomfortable about. Sending prayers for wisdom and mercy throughout this process. 

LindseyM2012

@Chasity08 - I totally get that you wouldn't want to rehash something like this after-the-fact, but 2.5 months is not a lifetime. Even if she only goes once or twice, you'll be glad you took her and gave her the opportunity to process this with someone. Especially if your step son isn't there all the time because you'll want her to be equipped with the ways to express herself to you when he does come back to visit. You don't want each visit to be a trigger.

I'm sorry. I'm very pro-counseling in these situations, even if what happened between them wasn't worst case scenario. I don't think you can be too careful or too supportive. Sorry if I got too personal or preachy.

meld42

I'm so sorry your family is going through this:( i know you must be under a ton of stress, and I'm so sorry.

A friend was abused by her friend when they were both 6. This friend had been abused herself and did it to others. She says to this day she knows the thing that made her OK was the counseling right away. If I could recommend, keep calling until you can get your DD with a counsellor you're comfortable with. Even trying to persuade them to get you in for an emergency appointment might help you out. October 28 seems late to me too, don't get me wrong, it would be better than nothing. But the advice my friend's mom was given at the time was ASAP child counseling. Trust your gut! I really hope your step son can get some counseling right away too.

Again, I'm so sorry.

ETA: extra stuff I forgot

kkeglar13

So sorry You and your family will be in my prayers.

Chasity08

Thank you again for all of the kinds words, ladies. I disappeared again to spend some serious time with DD this weekend. I got my work to excuse me for my mandatory overtime this weekend so I could do so. It was definitely some needed time so I'm grateful to have it.

I am definitely going to keep her counseling appointment regardless, but I think I may continue searching to see if I can maybe find someone that has a little bit more of an open schedule that could maybe get her in earlier. As @fightersince83 said, we don't want the kids together until after counseling starts, though his next visit isn't until December, but I'd really prefer to limit even their phone/Skype contact until then, just because I'm not really sure how this all works. And I'd hate for them to not be able to really interact for 2+ months. I know that the reason DD came to me is because she loves her brother and doesn't want him in trouble, but needed to get it off her chest. She has expressed that to me. She doesn't want her relationship with him to change, which is what breaks my heart the most, because I don't either, but I know things will have to change, even if in the slightest ways that they don't understand at this point.

I'm just praying that everything will turn out for the best and that both of the kids can get help to get through this. Thank you again for all of the kind words and thoughts. It was very helpful and healing, even if just for me.

kushie77

IDK where you work, but I know  we have a work-life balance benefit that includes 100% paid for counseling for myself and any of my family members with my employer. The last 2 places I worked at also offered this.  It may be worth looking into and calling them.  They may have the option of sending her (and you) to someone who may not take your health insurance per se and not cost you anything and get her seen sooner.  

Chasity08

kushie77 said:

IDK where you work, but I know  we have a work-life balance benefit that includes 100% paid for counseling for myself and any of my family members with my employer. The last 2 places I worked at also offered this.  It may be worth looking into and calling them.  They may have the option of sending her (and you) to someone who may not take your health insurance per se and not cost you anything and get her seen sooner.  

That's actually what we're looking at right now with a program through my husband's employer. I have an insurance plan with no copays, and I haven't met my deductible, so we were struggling to pay for the counseling on our own because it all has to be paid up front, and it's about $200 per appointment (my RE hasn't quite taken up my entire deductible yet, just half so far lol), but their network is about as limited as my health insurance. It's been extremely frustrating. But they gave me a case manager and she is supposed to be looking in to it and calling me back this afternoon hopefully with some options.

But thank you so much for the advice. I really do appreciate it.

LindseyM2012

I'm glad you got to have some quality time with your daughter and that you've talked with her about how she feels about her relationship with her brother.  Keep that communication open!

Still thinking about you.  Again, PM me if you need to talk.  

Ashlee8809

Ouch. I'm so sorry you're going through this. I hope everyone gets the help and support they need.