Argument over baby's last name... Help?

tinselle

Hello!

My SO and I always talk about having a child.  We always talk about baby names, and the other day, we were talking about last names.  We are having a little argument over what last name we would give.

For example, my SO's name is something like "Chris James Smith Jones" (not actually).  His mother's maiden name is "Smith", and his father's last name is "Jones".  His name is not hyphenated, and "Smith" is considered his middle name on legal papers.

My name is a simple First Middle Last, but is all oriental names.

I've considered doing a hyphenated last name with my own last name and "Jones".  I told him that I do not want both "Smith" and "Jones" in the baby's name.  He got really upset saying that it's his mother's maiden name, which made me upset because I felt like I had no say in the baby's name.  The baby is going to have his last name, and he will also be using the same middle name, "James".

The thing is, his brother recently had a baby, and did not have "Smith" in its name.

Am I being selfish for not wanting to have both of his surnames?

daystardreams

Yeah, that's a little crazy. I'd offer up the compromise that the baby can have the middle name Smith instead. So it's name would be FirstName Smith -YourMaidenName- Jones. No James. That's the only fair thing I can see from this situation besides absolutely putting your foot down and saying no without any compromise at all.

TMos84

Double last names are a pain.  In my husbands culture your last name consists of your fathers first name and then your family name.  And people are always screwing it up, and when you screw a name up on official forms it can be really hard to fix.  We couldn't even get Verizon to accept his last name correctly. Our kids will just be taking my husbands family name, and not his 1st name.

MsFaith15

I used to work in a hospital and can tell you that they look to the Mom for all naming decisions. You will have final say. Good to know if it gets messy.

sandrabrooke

No to double last names...

However...I know in some states you can choose whatever you want as a last name.  I personally know people that have done this because they hated their last name and didn't want their child to carry it (or there was family drama associated with the last name)

llbne

Maybe explain to him that for the same reason he feels it's important for him to have his mother's name, you feel it's important for your son to have HIS mother's name - yours!

jennypolkadots

This is exactly why I don't like the double last names. I am all for feminism but it gets so complicated when that baby has a baby. 

I am confused how you just know you will have a boy, so the middle name will be James? Or will you use James for a girl too? 

I would wait until you are actually pregnant and then let him open the discussion up to his parents. I am sure his mom will be very understanding about dropping her maiden name from the mix. Then your maiden name can be the middle name and his surname can be the last name. But if you aren't married, your surname should get equal consideration for the last name in my opinion. If the baby is a boy, use James for the first name but there is no room in the middle name slot IMO. 

PollyACK

I don't think that's selfish at all. Double last names are complicated enough as it is does the baby really need three last names?

Unless I'm confusing what you're saying and he's saying that he wants his mother's maiden name included instead of yours in which case I think he's the one being selfish.

tbarker14

My parents have 3 kids, I am the baby of the family and so my middle name is my mother's maiden name. We all have the same last name (my dad's). And my sisters have normal middle names.
My mom's reason was she wanted to have her family name carried on in some way.
It really isn't an issue. I have a first name, middle name and a last name.
Most people do not use or go by their middle names. I only have to use it for ID and or legal stuff...
And it's never been a big deal having my mom's maiden name as a middle name for me.
In fact it's kinda cool at times because my first name is italian/french, middle name is irish, and last name is british. So I have a very diverse name. ( I have been married to my DH for 4 years and I have yet to legally change my last name to his.. I decided that our LO will take his last name it wouldn't be hyphened or anything with mine. - I plan to hyphen my name with my DH's last name eventually - whenever I get around to doing so!)
I from what you wrote I think YH is being unreasonable. This is YOUR baby as well, since the baby will have his last name, I don't see the issue why your baby can take your maiden name as a middle name or if you both decide to combine and hyphen them. It should be yours and YH not YH and his Mom's name.

Pix3lle

I've decided i'll just use my SO's surname for the baby (he didn't ask or mention it, but it's less confusing that way).
To be honest i think it's unreasonable of your SO to want his mothers maiden name AND his last name for the baby, if it is going to have two last names it should be yours and his (as many others have said)

CobeMomma

My son has a hyphenated last name and it is part of my DH's father's hyphenated last name and his mother's maiden name. (Example: Jones-Johnson + Smith = Jones-Smith.) My name is no where in there and we don't go by the same last name as our son. We are planning to compromise on our next child by putting my maiden name in the baby's name if it's a boy. So our next child would be Scott X Jones-Smith. 

... No those are not our real names. 

Maybe he'd be willing to just use his mother's maiden name as a middle name. 

Beevol

My sister and her husband both hyphenated their last names and their kid has a hyphenated last name as well. My husband and I each kept our maiden names, added each other's last names as second middle names, and our kids have HisLast as a second middle name and MyLast as their last name. So my kids and I have the same second middle and last names and DH has the same names but in reverse order. This was something we agreed to before getting married and TTC. 

One of my best friends has is named something like Sandra Smith Jones-Webster where Smith is her Grandmother's maiden name and when she got married she changed her name to Sandra Jonester Smith-Husband'sLast and she intends to give her kids the Smith-Husband'sLast as their last name. The moral of this story is do whatever you want with your name/your kids' names. 

Just a note, if your SO is inflexible about a potential child's name in a way that is kind of unreasonable then what else is he inflexible about that will be even more important in terms of raising a child? Co-parenting is the ultimate teamwork and if you two don't have a good way of solving differences in attitudes/ideas then it will be a miserable endeavor. 

Alygohome

I took DH name when I got married because its way easier, even if we were to ever divorce I would keep it. I am one of those people who have no attachment to my maiden name. Its pretty long and lots of "silent" letters so I wouldn't use it as middle name either so my view on this situation is probably different then most peoples. First off I get so confused with all these double name/hyphenated names. My DH cousin is a smith-jones and married a Brownstone (not real names) and gave her kids the name First Middle SmithJones-Brownstone its suuuch a mouthful. I wouldn't let him give the kid both his last names and yours, if you are going to do double names I would suggest yours/his. Makes me wonder what will happen when the SmithJones-Brownstones marry the Williams-Johnsons. Will they be smithjonesbrownstoneswilliams-johnson?  LOL.