for those that live far away from family...

dpraseutsinh

DH recently got a great job offer in texas (we live in tn right now) and we are discussing on whether to move or not. we've been to tx plenty of times and everything there seems to be better than where we're at (schools, housing market, etc.) the only thing stopping us is how we don't want DD to be so far away from her family members. everyone talks about how she'll grow up to be so happy because she's surrounded by her loved ones and we are afraid that we'll be ripping her away from happier memories growing up with loved ones. if you live far away from your families, please share your experiences and how the move affected your kids. i just want a good life for DD, whether it's close or far from family. it's so hard to make decisions like this!

JENandJEH

My husband is in the military so my kids have never lived in the same area as our families and I think they are having a wonderful childhood and they have awesome relationships with our families even without being right around the corner from them.

The closest we've ever lived was 3 hours way but that was only for 6 months.  We've been in Germany for the first year of my oldest son's life and then a 10 hour drive from our families every since.  We get to go visit twice a year, usually, and each set of grandparents tends to come visit us at least once, if not twice, a year.  We Skype with my parents about once a week and talk to MIL on the phone every 2 weeks or so.  We talk about our families constantly and DS2 knows them and is 100% comfortable with them even though he's only 2.  We've taken a few kid free vacations and they've stayed with grandparents and have had no issue adjusting to staying with family they don't see that often.  Their aunts and uncles spoil them rotten when we see them because they don't get the chance to do so very often.  My SIL typically takes them on a super, special, fun day with auntie while we're visiting and they often sleep over at her house at least once when we visit.  

Sure, it would be great to live near family but I feel like DH and I have such a strong relationship and build stronger networks of friends by not living near them and relying on them for things.  They love coming to visit us as we move around the world with the Army.  My mom and MIL have both said how thankful they are that they got to visit us in Germany because it's something they never would have done if we hadn't been stationed there.  They've been to visit us in Tennessee and now Alabama and my MIL can hardly wait to find out where we're moving next.  Our parents really try to do special things for the boys even though we're not close by.  For example, DS1 thinks it's awesome to get special packages in the mail (my MIL mails him a box once a month with a random assortment of things for his treasure box).  

I think it's unfair of people to tell you it's unfair to rip her away from family and that she won't have a happy childhood if she's not near family.  You guys need to make the best decision for your family without people guilting you...of course they want you close by but, if the schools/housing market/job is better for your family it's definitely worth giving serious consideration to.  Your daughter will make happy memories no matter where you live - a happy childhood doesn't hinge on having extended family close by!  Good luck in your decision!

nikkisun54

While I can't provide advice, I absolutely sympathize as we are in the EXACT same situation - literally, we think we're moving to Texas! DH got a wonderful job offer with former colleagues, not to mention this will offer me the opportunity to be a SAHM. However, we currently live in MD right now, 20 minutes from my in-laws, right down the street from DS's cousins and almost all our college friends, and 1.5 hrs from my entire family. Ever since we made the decision to make the move, every fun family/friend gathering has been met with pain and regret - I feel such guild, and we're not even there yet!

DH was an Army brat, moved every three years, and was always very close with his extended family. I figure with technology these days, it's at least easier to keep in touch. And while we may not see family as often, I'm hoping the extended time we will get to visit with everyone when we are in town will be quality over quantity. 

Good luck!!!

brachysira

Of course you won't ruin her childhood.  It is hard tho!  

DH's parents live 2 hours away and mine live about 16 hours away.  We are in DH's college town, but his closest friends have moved away.  I moved here because of grad school, but my friends have also moved on to other opportunities.  Making friends is very hard because most people in this mid-sized town already have connections.  New people often are so transient that they don't become close friends and other people I meet at moms' groups, etc. are just not people I have much in common with.  If you work, you may find friends there, but if not, there is not much time to develop a social circle.  But if you SAH, you have to work very hard to not become totally isolated.  If you actually want close friends, you have to get over being shy and really put yourself "out there."

We do not have a network--if we need someone to baby-sit while I have some kind of appt, we find a sitter on care.com.  If we want to take a trip, we have to find a pet-sitter the same way, that that ends up being very costly and difficult for holidays.  I have to work harder to find out what is a good preschool and I don't know all the state history, etc. to just automatically educate my child.  There is not a "village" atmosphere here--no one is going to call me and tell me they saw my 11 year-old smoking or tell my kids to quit doing something stupid at the park.  When baby 2 comes, we aren't sure who we will call--probably we will take DD to the hospital and hope the in-laws can make it in time.  

My parents are sad that they don't see their only grandchild more.  They worry about who will help them in their later years, as I am the responsible one of their offspring.  Our vacations focus on seeing relatives rather than relaxing often since DH doesn't have the time to take off a couple weeks at Christmas and a ton of additional time for a separate big vacation.  Plus, the costs of travel for visits add up and Christmas is often more of a slog through airports, flight delays, etc. than a chill time baking cookies. Plus, my brother and cousins may visit my hometown at other parts of the year so it has been many years since I have seen some people. My parents make the drive to visit us multiple times/year, but I am worried about them being on the road so much and don't really see them doing this into their rapidly-approaching 70's.  Plus, they stay at our house on visits, which is not ideal.  But if they move here, they leave their social lives and connections behind, and our family must shoulder all the responsibility.  

Texas is very hot.

No decision is permanent.  No decision is easy.  Usually things work out okay.

=Lee=B

My family is 21hrs away and my husbands is scattered (and distant).  We do have some good friends in town that help out. 

As much as it sucks Skype is great.  My daughter loves talking to grandma via Skype...and seeing grandma's dog (as much as the dog dislikes being held in front of the camera).  We use the laptop and I carry the laptop around behind my 17month old.  She shows grandma all her stuff, grandma and her play chase (a favorite for both - with me running the laptop behind my daughter). 

I'll admit it works because my mom loves it and leads all the conversation to keep the calls going a good 45-60min.  We try to Skype with my brother and SIL and nephew but he is only 22 months and I find it doesn't work as well yet with 2 toddlers.  We hope once they are a bit older they can engage each other.

We have a pretty good church family here and have found lots of support and help through them.  As well, I used to nanny for a family here when I finished university and they have 4 kids (ages 6-12) the oldest babysits our daughter and the family as a whole loves her dearly. 

So, living away from family won't harm your child but it is harder on you as parents.  I grew up with a HUGE extended family that gathered at least once a month.  I have  19 cousins...many of whom have kids of their own now.  When we do all gather we are well over 60people now.  Sadly we don't gather nearly as much as I'd like (too costly and time consuming to travel that far with a toddler) but we get there twice a year and my mom and brother (and gang) try to come here once a year. 

cheesecakerunner

We've always lived 5-20 hours away from our family. DS sees his grandparents and aunts and uncles about 4-6 times per year and just adores that time. We Skype just about every week and I send daily photos via text to his "fan club." Even though we are far apart, we are still really connected. It helps us really focus on creating the best memories when we do all get together.

MattysGirl81

We've never lived near family since having children. I'm from Maryland, DH is from CA and we live in Vegas. I HATE living so far away from my family. Seeing them requires a 4+ hour plane ride and 3 hour time change. I joined a mommy group which has been my saving grace - we watch each other's kids and are each other's families. Personally, I wish we were closer to my family to have regular get-togethers, drop off the kids for a date night, etc. In terms of the kids, all they will know is living far away, so they won't know what they're missing (assuming we stay here, which I hope we don't).

I grew up about an 8 hour drive away from my grandparents. We visited them for 1-2 weeks every summer and usually saw them at least one other time during the year. I loved seeing them but don't recall wishing we lived closer. It's just the way it was. There's nothing unfair about it, that seems ridiculous!

DawnJM25

DH is in the military so we have never lived close to family.  We are both very independent people, and after 8 years of marriage and 2 kids I don't think I would want to live near family, honestly.  I enjoy raising our family on our own.  We go "home" to visit grandparents and other family for 2 weeks every summer, and grandparents come visit other times during the year.  Our visits are special because they don't happen often. 

chicagobride_07

We do FaceTime with my parents twice a week. We also visit a couple times a year. They live 2000 miles away. I've lived away from my folks for many years and honestly don't think much of it. BUt, I wasn't around much more than my immediate family growing up, either.