found out gender

Valm999

People tend to forget that not everyone is able to conceive, not everyone gets to have a healthy baby. Becoming disappointed over your child's genitals is petty... People should focus on the fact that they are having a healthy baby and be happy about that. I hope your DH and his family will come around and get over it because the reason why they are disappointment for having a girl is silly, minor and rediculous.

chelcmariedelvalle

My hubby and I thought for sure it was a boy, but we found out we are expecting a girl! We are both so excited and I couldn't wait to share the news with every one. But I don't think his family was too happy, they already have 3 granddaughters from his sister and now they'll have a 4th, I'm assuming they weren't too happy just based on the things they said. Like "girls are a lot of work so be prepared" well no sh*t all babies are a lot of work. I'm sure your husband will get over any feelings of disappointment the further along you get and when he sees his little girl for the first time.

And tell him that he's the one who decides the gender so he can't be mad about it!

banana2020

Valm999 said:

People tend to forget that not everyone is able to conceive, not everyone gets to have a healthy baby. Becoming disappointed over your child's genitals is petty... People should focus on the fact that they are having a healthy baby and be happy about that. I hope your DH and his family will come around and get over it because the reason why they are disappointment for having a girl is silly, minor and rediculous.

I'm sorry, but this kind of perspective is so annoying. No offense, of course. But OBVIOUSLY everyone wants a healthy baby. But it's like someone here saying, "OMG, I want a vacation so badly" and someone else piping in and saying, "Do you know how many people can't afford to eat, never mind go on a vacation!?"  Of course there are always people that have it far worse and would scale mountains to have what you have (in this case, a child). But that's true about anything that we complain about.

How many posts are on here complaining about constipation and sore boobs? Plenty. Legit, uncomfortable, venting posts that everyone is entitled to.  Do you think someone that has been having TTTC for years really wants to hear that? No.  But that doesn't mean we can't say it without being called (albeit in a roundabout fashion) insensitive.

Maebb

@tag42199, I do hope they come around.

There are bigger things in life to get upset about than the sex of your baby or carrying on a family name. Hopefully they will be grateful and excited like you are.

@AggieMom0809‌, I do feel sorry for kids for some things...like not being able to speak at the dinner table or having to hide somewhere to eat a meal. Or not having food. You know, things that matter. I do not feel sorry for kids with hyphenated last names.

Roxycc55

banana2020 said:

Valm999 said:

People tend to forget that not everyone is able to conceive, not everyone gets to have a healthy baby. Becoming disappointed over your child's genitals is petty... People should focus on the fact that they are having a healthy baby and be happy about that. I hope your DH and his family will come around and get over it because the reason why they are disappointment for having a girl is silly, minor and rediculous.

I'm sorry, but this kind of perspective is so annoying. No offense, of course. But OBVIOUSLY everyone wants a healthy baby. But it's like someone here saying, "OMG, I want a vacation so badly" and someone else piping in and saying, "Do you know how many people can't afford to eat, never mind go on a vacation!?"  Of course there are always people that have it far worse and would scale mountains to have what you have (in this case, a child). But that's true about anything that we complain about.

How many posts are on here complaining about constipation and sore boobs? Plenty. Legit, uncomfortable, venting posts that everyone is entitled to.  Do you think someone that has been having TTTC for years really wants to hear that? No.  But that doesn't mean we can't say it without being called (albeit in a roundabout fashion) insensitive.

No. I think @Valm999‌ is completely correct. If we are supposed to understand that it's harder because of the loss of the father, this perspective absolutely needs to be thought of.

FWIW I lost my first little girl and so it is annoying to me to hear someone be disappointed about a girl which I wish I could have gotten, but I was keeping that argument out of this. With that being said I would not be any less happy for a boy this time, because it's an awesome healthy baby and that is the best thing possible!

YaMrWhite

Well from now on, anyone who complains about their mom is getting an earful from me because I don't have a mom to complain about!

banana2020

YaMrWhite said:

Well from now on, anyone who complains about their mom is getting an earful from me because I don't have a mom to complain about!

Right RIGHT!... this is what I'm talking about. I understand all perspectives should be considered (well, I mean, obviously we're not going to run all scenarios in our head when we read this stuff. Ain't nobody got time for that). But I'm talking about using the "be grateful" perspective. I think we all are grateful for our children no matter what.  But because we complain about their pissy attitude today and their 345435 shitty diapers another day doesn't mean we aren't grateful and doesn't mean we don't have a right to feel a certain way sometimes. KWIM? 

The "know your audience" is important rule, IMO.  Anyone that went onto a TTTC board and said they were PG (yay!) but upset it was a boy (Boo!) is a douche. You DON'T do that. Know your audience and be sensitive to it.  But a board full of moms who very likely have some SOs at home that had thoughts of "Oh I hope we're having a (boy/girl)?"  I think it's OK to talk about it without getting the, "YH should be grateful for a baby so stop whining" lecture.  That's all I'm saying.

Roxycc55

Honestly none of it bothers me I just think if the one perspective has to be considered, (them caring because of the loss of the dad), then the other does too. That's all I'm saying.

motherboy

Tell them to get over their last name thing. What if it was a boy and he decided to be and priest or just be childless by choice? My dad had three girls and was thrilled everytime.


I think if your mil and grandparents in law show their disappointment to you then they are super rude. I think this is such a stupid thing to be disappointed about, including for your husband. You are going to have a healthy baby FFS.

YaMrWhite

ICarriedAWatermelon said:

banana2020 said:

YaMrWhite said:

Well from now on, anyone who complains about their mom is getting an earful from me because I don't have a mom to complain about!

Right RIGHT!... this is what I'm talking about. I understand all perspectives should be considered (well, I mean, obviously we're not going to run all scenarios in our head when we read this stuff. Ain't nobody got time for that). But I'm talking about using the "be grateful" perspective. I think we all are grateful for our children no matter what.  But because we complain about their pissy attitude today and their 345435 shitty diapers another day doesn't mean we aren't grateful and doesn't mean we don't have a right to feel a certain way sometimes. KWIM? 

The "know your audience" is important rule, IMO.  Anyone that went onto a TTTC board and said they were PG (yay!) but upset it was a boy (Boo!) is a douche. You DON'T do that. Know your audience and be sensitive to it.  But a board full of moms who very likely have some SOs at home that had thoughts of "Oh I hope we're having a (boy/girl)?"  I think it's OK to talk about it without getting the, "YH should be grateful for a baby so stop whining" lecture.  That's all I'm saying.

I get what you're saying. But there's still an "ick" factor being disappointed in a baby's sex (or in a baby FOR its sex)... and even moreso in expressing it.

A baby's sex is determined when it's conceived. Most of us don't get to find OUT the baby's sex until well into the first half of the pregnancy. We may have our preconceived ideas of what we're having, and many seem to pin hopes on what that sex will be. And all that time, the baby is what it is. To express disppointment such as in the case OP gave, when reality does not meet one's hope, when the basis is something that is inherent to the baby and no "fault" of it's own -- that's what is icky to me here. This isn't the same as bitching because Little Tommy is being a brat today. This is loving your kid, and being excited, for what he or she is.

Like I said, I understand emotion. We can't help that. Like I said, I would have been sad not to have the experience of raising a daughter, had this second (and last, as per our plans) child of ours been a second son. But to me, that's different.


If your situation isn't being disappointed in the sex then I venture to say mine isn't either. My husband was and is thrilled with the new addition to our family.

I'm not the OP (I did sympathies with her though) but I think I'm getting defensive reading some of these comments because, while I don't understand completely where he's coming from, I love him and respect his feelings and wouldn't tell him to "get over it" or that because he hopes for a son to carry his family name as he has done that he is ridiculous.

Bigboneded

((((Hugs)))), I'm sorry they arent excited yet, I'm sure that they will come around! :-)
CONGRATS ON YOUR GIRL!!! :O)

readyforround2

I think it stinks that they aren't as excited as you want them to be but I do believe they will become excited the closer it gets to meeting her.

I understand the 'carrying on of the name' thing because to most (not all) traditional families that is special. My mother grew up in a very traditional Spanish household so her father was upset about only having one son to carry on his name. Traditional views tend to be criticized because there are a lot of people who feel that they are "archaic" (may not be the best word choice but I've been up since 5:30am so I'm going with it) in today's society but I personally think "to each their own." I do not share the same views as many of the people here but I'm not going to bash anyone or bombard them with my "correct" view because without differences nothing would move towards change and/or acceptance. Most of the time I don't reply. Now I have had my fair share of ruffled feathers and probably said things to others that contradict my previous sentence but for the most part when it comes to another person's personal view I try to keep my thoughts to myself.

My mother and father are not "traditional" and technically my father has all girls because my mother already had my brother when they met, but my brother took my dad's last name because his biological father abandond him. My dad felt honored and very happy that my brother took his name and even though he isn't his "biological" son he loves him deeply and is happy to have some one carry it on (We all doubt my brother will ever get married because he enjoys being single and raising his boys alone, but it's a nice thought).

My husband was concerned about having a girl because like another poster said (don't remember who), he was worried about keeping her safe and teaching her about guys that would use their words against her in order to get what they wanted. He is the second oldest of 5 boys. So he is obviously more comfortable with boy things. He does have a step sister but she didn't enter his life until she was 8 and shortly after he and his brothers (all but 1) moved to Florida to live with their mom, so growing up he only saw her during the summer time. He also worries about being sensitive enough about her feelings and changes when her "monthly visitor" comes and basically about being the type of man she can look up to and have as an example for how other men should treat her.

I think many people misuse the word "disappointed" because they don't know or want to admit that they are scared to face the challenges they think will come with raising a boy or a girl. Saying they are "disappointed" is easier.

If your husband and his family continue to act in a manner that upsets you then I would do what others have said and talk to them about it.

I also suggest that you and your husband setting aside time to discuss your fears and concerns about having a girl or a baby in general. Many people in our family suggested my husband and I do this (especially since this is our first) and I can honestly say it helped us both a lot. We do not express our fears or concerns as openly as we probably should with eachother so setting aside time to lay everything out on the table really helped us become closer and stronger as a couple. We both agreed to have a similar conversation after our daughter is born because by that time our fears and concerns may have changed.

I really hope everything turns out well for you and you have a happy healthy pregnancy

Lanatir

ICarriedAWatermelon said:

Another reason to stay Team Green! People suck!

Sadly I don't think TGers are immune to this.

They're not.  A friend had a son and then was team green with #2.  Her ILs bought a TON of girl stuff, brought some of it to her house (she had a homebirth), and then were pissed off when they had to return it after Luke was born because he was a second boy.

nmrd

AggieMom0809 said:

Most men want to carry on the family name. My DH didn't have a problem with the first being a girl because we were planning on having more. My son is carrying on the family name. I feel sorry for the kids in school with the hyphenated names. It's harder on them to know which one to use. Then when you get to monogramming things, which one do you use? 

My parents ended up having more kids than originally planned. The youngest in our family is a boy. He's carrying on the family name with their son.

I have a hyphenated name. It's not that complicated. I don't know what you mean by "it's harder on them to know which one to use." Hard for the kid, classmates, teacher? Which what? There is one name. You use the hyphenated name. Monogramming is not a very big part of my life, but I'm assuming it's not that complicated. Use both letters. Or one. Or use first initial and last two initials with no middle name initial. I don't know why you would feel sorry for a kid for ostensibly having multiple families that care about them.

ETA: Granted, I didn't change my name until I got married. But really, most people aren't that dumb. They can figure it out.

Stargirlb

This is why I am in favor of eradicating the male sex in a post-automated world.

Lanatir

Stargirlb said:

This is why I am in favor of eradicating the male sex in a post-automated world.

It will take a while for science to catch up with this idea...  Or the human population will cease to exist in a few hundred years after the eradication of males...

ETA-- And I looked up freezing sperm in banks frozen by liquid nitrogen.  They think maybe indefinitely at this point, but 50% of viable sperm will die in the thawing process.

Beauxbaton

Stargirlb said:

This is why I am in favor of eradicating the male sex in a post-automated world.

So you'd like to eradicate your son and significant other?

NatureLovers

CuppyCakes721 said:

Stargirlb said:

This is why I am in favor of eradicating the male sex in a post-automated world.

So you'd like to eradicate your son and significant other?

I think she means moving away from the use of male pronouns and such? But then again this is Stargirlb so who knows what she's saying.

butchmum

I'm one of three girls and so is my partner. She carried the first child, who has my name. I'm carrying the second, who will have her name. My neighbours (also a lesbian couple) had a kid who is named (first and last names) after the father of one of them who died a few years before the child was born, and that grandfather, whose name is continuing on even though he's not around to know, had only two girls. The world is changing, a girl might well pass on the family name if that's so important to the family.

Stargirlb

https://www.ccs.neu.edu/home/shivers/rants/scum.html

motherboy

Stargirlb said:

https://www.ccs.neu.edu/home/shivers/rants/scum.html

Hahaha the scum manifesto. Watch out Andy warhol.

Lola918

It sounds like your husband and MIL wanted a boy, because it would almost be like a rebirth of your FIL. you are so blessed she is a girl - it is psychologically destructive for a child to carry the weight of a deceased family member on their shoulders. Your child is an individual in her own right and in this way can't be compared to her grandfather. It is horrible for children to grow up in the shadow of these expectations, because they can never live up to who the other person was. So it's wonderful that her being a girl is crushing these hopes - it may be painful for your husband and MIL but it's a gift to your child.

cabbeeby

My husband says he will be upset if we have a girl... because he is so manly that he only makes male sperm and he will therefore know it's not his.  He's probably joking.  Hopefully.

I was a little disappointed at the 12 mo ultrasound to hear that they thought ours was a boy - too many ideas about girly decorating and cute frilly things all crushed at once!  I was over it pretty quickly and now I am cool with either sex- lots of pros to both.  I dunno how your husband likes to process things, but mine prefers to be left alone while he thinks.  Maybe just don't mention it for a while and let him come around. 

Good luck...

Stargirlb

cabbeeby said:

My husband says he will be upset if we have a girl... because he is so manly that he only makes male sperm and he will therefore know it's not his.  He's probably joking.  Hopefully.

I was a little disappointed at the 12 mo ultrasound to hear that they thought ours was a boy - too many ideas about girly decorating and cute frilly things all crushed at once!  I was over it pretty quickly and now I am cool with either sex- lots of pros to both.  I dunno how your husband likes to process things, but mine prefers to be left alone while he thinks.  Maybe just don't mention it for a while and let him come around. 

Good luck...

nasty joke. Gross. cut him out of the gene pool next time and have a handsome neighbour's baby

barbikins

Gender disappointment is common amongst both men and women. He will get over it xo

tag42199

Thank you! I did not know that the board was going to get this out of hand. If I could delete this post I would because some of the comments are way off from what I was trying to convey. I will have to be careful with what I post in the future. I will speak with him of course, I just needed to vent! Thank you for the thoughtful and tasteful response!

Eyefrog

Congratulations on your awesome news I am sorry the family isn't as thrilled as you are I am sure they will come around. Your husband is likely more scared than disappointed girls seem to come with a few "extra" rules. This gets long.... from my own personal experiences, My father has 3 daughters and 1 son, I was the third and even tho he has a son I never ever planned to change my name. I still haven't. When my husband and I had children he expressed that he would like the children to have his last name, I said sure, no biggie to me, since I do have my own last name all my children have been born with my name regardless so I have that little card that has that for the scrap books. Now as far as disappointment I haven't had it but apparently many people have had it for me and for my husband. A few people were so against more boys in "THEIR" family that they have no idea we had a 6th or a 7th and will not know of number 8 either. Those same people had an issue, they felt the healthy boys they has been blessed to have around there didn't quite cut the mustard, a girl was missing. Sucks to be them now that we know they will never know that elusive girl does exist for their next generation. Another group of people felt it was rather tragic that I just couldn't produce a girl endless discussions about this on the social media site no doubt before I had even announced I had had our son....it was beyond ridiculous. For some its real and I can kind of get it, but I just don't see how anyone can look at a baby and not fall in love, penis or no penis. I bet your daughter will be a huge daddy's girl and he will feel horrible for having any sort of sadness before he met her.

SoontobeMrs. B.

Oh my gosh!!! The same thing happened to me, except we're having a boy. Same story the in-laws AND my mother were disappointed! My hubby got over it with time, especially now that the baby will be named after him. But in the end they'll get over it, enjoy the rest of your pregnancy and try not to let it get to you. You deserve to be happy during this time especially since it's your first and your the one pregnant. (It is for me too:-)) Good Luck!

alibc123

I'm sure they will all come around as it gets further into the pregnancy. But that is really hard to deal with. Good luck and I hope they come around sooner rather than later.

AggieMom0809

Roxycc55 said:

Yes, because monogramming things is on my top list of things to consider when naming my child.

............

Obviously you are not southern! Yes I have looked at how my kids monograms look and also made sure they don't spell anything in traditional fLm order.

jc51723

AggieMom0809 said:

Roxycc55 said:

Yes, because monogramming things is on my top list of things to consider when naming my child.

............

Obviously you are not southern! Yes I have looked at how my kids monograms look and also made sure they don't spell anything in traditional fLm order.

I'm from the south and this has never crossed my mind until tonight. And nope. Still don't care.

jjcruiks

I have 3 boys. Just had my 20 week scan. Didn't find out, but I'm pretty sure I saw a hotdog waving at me! Lol. No disappointments in our house, luckily.... Well maybe from my 7 year old who says he wants a sister.

rdray30

@jjcruiks Your post reminded me that it's not just adults who are disappointed when they find out a baby's sex.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VrAcV2ywnqc

jjcruiks

Omg I saw this video!!! Died laughing!!! So funny!!!! Hopefully my son won't take it this hard!! LOL!!!!!!!

Stargirlb

Oh gawd. that video. A young MALE OPINION. WTF DAD.

rdray30

Agreed.  The younger girl is my favorite part.  When she walks across the table and then when she says "good bye to the camera" at the end.  She cracks me up.

britb618

Yea the dad sucked in this video- like how are you ever gonna show this to your kid??? And now it's posted on YouTube for them to see when they are older...and where the heck is the mom?? Ugh

Latham12

tag42199 said:

Because we are traditional She will be getting her father's name. That is not really the issue. It's just the disappointment I could see in their faces. I know they will come around. I just needed to vent!! Thank you ladies for all of your support!

I'm pretty sure everyone else was just letting stargirlb rant and ignoring her until then hahah. You get use to it. I'm sorry they are disappointed but probably they were hoping for a reminder to make them feel better about losing your husbands father and that's a lot of pressure for a tiny baby!! Just let them know that his father would think of this baby as a gift, not a disappointment. PS maybe he only feels that way bc he knew his mom would??

kolaczka

@stargirlb is in rare form on this one. But I kind of get it. I find it frustrating that there is still so much bias around the sex/gender lines. Because honestly, the disappointment is still disproportionately about having girls. We are in a period were girls are considered equal sort of....except for is all of the ways that they are not. Like pay bias and household labor divisions and gender bias at birth and so forth. And traditions like naming still value the paternal line more than the maternal line.

@tag42199 congrats on your baby girl! I am so excited for you and your husband. It sounds like there are some complicated emotions wrapped up in this issue for your family. But you will figure it out and it will be a lot harder not to be excited once she becomes part of the family. I don't think it makes you husband or his family bad in some way... as long as they figure out how to find the joy and excitement of this truly amazing occasion.

AggieMom0809

jc51723 said:

Yes, because monogramming things is on my top list of things to consider when naming my child. ............

Obviously you are not southern! Yes I have looked at how my kids monograms look and also made sure they don't spell anything in traditional fLm order.

I'm from the south and this has never crossed my mind until tonight. And nope. Still don't care.

I didn't say from the south. I said "southern." Obviously you aren't either