Ugh - social media (trigger warning)

jendem8

Not sure if it's been on anyone else's FB newsfeed, but it's come up on mine twice now... pictures of a family dealing with a stillbirth.  I didn't read the whole thing, but I definitely burst into tears after finding out just the gist of the story.  

I'm just posting here since I'm sure most of you understand the emotion of seeing something like that, especially at this point in our pregnancies; I don't want to bitch on FB or anything, but I'm not sure why this has to be shared.

ETA: I'm referring specifically to the pictures that are being broadcast across FB by Internet strangers... not to the parents desire to have the pictures or share their story in some way.

nyagoc

I've seen it too.  I read the article, and it freaked me out that with less than a week to go, I could have the same problem.  It probably wouldn't have bothered me much 6 months ago.

elektragreen

My great aunt posted it on my wall. I don't mind people sharing it, but posting it on my wall?!? It made me want to unfriend her and never talk to her. 

dogperson11

JRomeH said:

It needs to be shared because infant and pregnancy loss is a reality, and because "we" as a society still treat this as taboo.

Because these stories should be able to shared just as a cancer loss or tragic accident.

Because it's nothing to be ashamed of.

Hit the x and the "I don't want to see this" button. And maybe learn some empathy.

I don't think someone saying they don't want to be forced to see it is lacking empathy. It would be one thing if it was a link with a brief description, but to have a detailed description with a picture is definitely something not everyone would choose to look at. The loss of a child is completely awful and shouldn't be taboo, but I shouldn't be forced to look at it while scrolling down my news feed.

jendem8

JRomeH said:

It needs to be shared because infant and pregnancy loss is a reality, and because "we" as a society still treat this as taboo. Because these stories should be able to shared just as a cancer loss or tragic accident. Because it's nothing to be ashamed of. Hit the x and the "I don't want to see this" button. And maybe learn some empathy.

Wow.

Seeing pictures is very different than hearing stories.  Trust me, I have plenty of empathy for someone who goes through something so awful and tragic, hence the reason I burst into tears.  Never did I say it was something to be "ashamed" of.  Let's not mention that you can't hit the "X" until you've already seen and understood what the post is about, which is difficult when you're 38 weeks pregnant.

I'm not someone to hide from the horrible realities of the world, but I think that other people might be lacking some empathy when they share certain things (also the reason that I titled this with a "trigger warning" - I really don't want to be responsible for getting others upset); I'm sorry that you can't see my perspective here and instead felt the need to be short with me.  

If you really think that I don't have empathy for such a situation, then you clearly did not read what I said.  I completely understand why people would want to memorialize certain tragic events, but it just seems too personal and painful to share with the world. 

shutaff

I'm not sure which article/photo y'all are referring to, but I have a FB friend/acquaintance who posted photos two different times of her friend's deceased baby (in the funeral home, I believe). I found it really disturbing. If a parent or family member wants to take a photo like that and keep it for themselves, that is one thing, but I don't think it's appropriate for a family friend to take that and share it on Facebook.

xxMiss2Mrs09xx

I worked with a girl several years ago who had the photo of her still born on her desk.... I was weirded out by it.

mcculloughe

I have total empathy for people going through that loss, but it is not something I personally want to see, however briefly, at this point in time.
I've actually seen two different stories of still birth in the past week and they both have given me high anxiety and made me super worried. I didn't even read through the details of the stories.
They absolutely have a right to share, and I don't see it as taboo at all. However, it is a trigger and stirs up a lot of emotions and thoughts I do not want to be thinking right now.

jendem8

JRomeH said:

We scroll past posts of all types on fb everyday. If it's something I don't want to see or read, I keep scrolling or I hide it from my view. I've never once thought that a loss story shouldn't be shared, from parents passing from cancer to a dog's last day of life in photos. Again, you're not being "forced" to see anything, and while I understand that the topic is hits close to home as we're so close to having our babies, it doesn't mean that these people don't have a right to share their story.

You are pretty much forced to see it.  You don't know what it is until it's too late.  My husband just looked over at me and within about 2 seconds, I had tears streaming down my face.  We all know that loss is a possibility, and I've been aware of that since the beginning, with a rushed visit to the ER and other terrifying moments.  I've also been there for friends who have had multiple MCs, and I listen to their stories and provide whatever support they need.

...but apparently I have no empathy.

I also happen to be someone though who wouldn't post pictures of a tragic accident or of animals being abused or of whatever else people put out there without realizing the pain it might cause someone else.  I'm sorry, but there are ways to promote awareness without making it heart wrenching for people who have sensitivities.  Yes, stories should be shared, but there can be some caution in the approach.

blgills

These things are why I deactivated Facebook. Along with the videos of someone throwing puppies in a river, and photos of people mangled in accidents. I hate how uncaring this can sound but it's really odd to me how people share all of these painful things on social media and sort of torment themselves with it. I can't handle emotional things like that this pregnancy. I can't even watch horror movies or anything with children being hurt! While I feel deeply for the family and understand that they are going through real distress and that maybe sharing their story on social media is somehow healing to them during this time.. I understand completely not wanting to see or hear of those kinds of stories on your feed. No point in torturing your mind with the what ifs if it hasn't happened to you. Keeping my mind filled with positives is essential to my mental well being, personally. Garbage in garbage out.

amandager99

Lurker here, but this topic hits close to home, and is actually why I do lurk more than actively post. As a loss mom, my son was born too early to survive last year, it is so beyond important to for me to be able to share his story and say his name. He existed. He was loved. He was my first born. He mad me a mother. But as a childless mother, people forget that, family forgets that. Believe me, as someone who has already experienced loss it was incredibly difficult to look at and read.

I think the bigger problem is more how Facebook has things appear in out newsfeed now. I liked just being able to see things friends posted, status updates or photos. I don't care what they "like", such as target or sprint.

My heart breaks for this family. Ultimately it was the photographer sharing to her fb page as she would any other birth she may have photographed.

mmsweeney1

Ck61 said:

I have not personally experienced a loss but I have a friend who had a still birth in January and I've seen her struggle with not only the loss but being worried of mourning in a way that might offend others. I see nothing wrong with her posting her sons pictures on FB, those are the only things she's has from him. Was it tough for me to see being newly pregnant? Yes, but those are my emotions to deal with and they shouldn't stop her from grieving and sharing her emotions.


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Last summer I was a week away from my due date when I had to hear the doctors tell me he had no heartbeat and go through the process of delivering him. Trust me, it was not what I had in mind for the 9 months leading up to it. He is still my first born son and I am still so proud of him! My journey through grief was/is much harder since I'm "not allowed" to share him with others.

OP, you came here to share how upset you were just seeing this story in passing. It didn't even happen to you. Imagine being that mother, living it every day, and not being able to share your feelings with others!

jendem8

mmsweeney1 said:

Ck61 said:

I have not personally experienced a loss but I have a friend who had a still birth in January and I've seen her struggle with not only the loss but being worried of mourning in a way that might offend others. I see nothing wrong with her posting her sons pictures on FB, those are the only things she's has from him. Was it tough for me to see being newly pregnant? Yes, but those are my emotions to deal with and they shouldn't stop her from grieving and sharing her emotions.


------------- quote box -------------------
Last summer I was a week away from my due date when I had to hear the doctors tell me he had no heartbeat and go through the process of delivering him. Trust me, it was not what I had in mind for the 9 months leading up to it. He is still my first born son and I am still so proud of him! My journey through grief was/is much harder since I'm "not allowed" to share him with others.

OP, you came here to share how upset you were just seeing this story in passing. It didn't even happen to you. Imagine being that mother, living it every day, and not being able to share your feelings with others!

I am very sorry for your loss.  Being this far in my pregnancy I empathize now more than ever with how awful a late term loss would be.

I also do not feel that you nor this mother nor any should be unable to share your story; I don't feel that I'm approaching loss in general as something to be ashamed of, but I was instead reacting to the very painful visuals that I had no control over seeing at such a sensitive point in my own journey.

Hearing stories/understanding loss is important for everyone because it still happens; at no point did I mean to imply that women shouldn't be able to share their stories.  To me, it's the way that it was shown.  Understanding loss has personally made me more aware of what's happening in/with my body, which is important for all pregnant women.  Again, I don't turn a blind eye to such tragedy, but I also think that people post things on FB to get reactions more than show they actually care.

I also personally don't approach loss as taboo (as I've said I've had a few friends go through the pain, and I just try to be there to listen), but I've never had to go through it so I don't know how other people might react to friends/family who experience it.  To me, it seems just as painful to me as losing an older child or sibling... maybe worse in some ways.

I hope that all goes well for you and all of the other moms who will hopefully have successful labors and healthy babies very soon.

jendem8

ThoseThreeWords said:

Ck61 said:

I have not personally experienced a loss but I have a friend who had a still birth in January and I've seen her struggle with not only the loss but being worried of mourning in a way that might offend others. I see nothing wrong with her posting her sons pictures on FB, those are the only things she's has from him. Was it tough for me to see being newly pregnant? Yes, but those are my emotions to deal with and they shouldn't stop her from grieving and sharing her emotions.


------------- quote box -------------------
Last summer I was a week away from my due date when I had to hear the doctors tell me he had no heartbeat and go through the process of delivering him. Trust me, it was not what I had in mind for the 9 months leading up to it. He is still my first born son and I am still so proud of him! My journey through grief was/is much harder since I'm "not allowed" to share him with others.

OP, you came here to share how upset you were just seeing this story in passing. It didn't even happen to you. Imagine being that mother, living it every day, and not being able to share your feelings with others!

I don't think the OP has a problem with people sharing their personal stories and pictures (correct me if I'm wrong). Rather, it is the picture with a VIRAL story. People are sharing a story and picture of a family they don't know. I agree that infant and fetal loss should not be taboo, but I can understand not wanting a picture of a stranger's dead child flashed on the screen every time you open Facebook. Sharing a third party's story is one thing (maybe with a link to a story with a picture or a picture in the comments), but shoving it in people's faces is another. I think it is different if someone I'm friends with shares their own or a family member's story and picture. I haven't seen the story on my newsfeed, however.

You're exactly right.  I don't know this family at all, so it's just shocking and completely heartbreaking to suddenly see pictures of a deceased child with no warning of what I'm about to see.

As I've said several times, I have no problems with people sharing their stories and don't personally see loss as taboo.  I also understand the family's desire to have pictures to have and share with their friends/family.  It's just how things are done on FB that bothers me (hence the reason I titled this "social media" and not something about loss stories).

chase16

jendem8 said:

mmsweeney1 said:

Ck61 said:

I have not personally experienced a loss but I have a friend who had a still birth in January and I've seen her struggle with not only the loss but being worried of mourning in a way that might offend others. I see nothing wrong with her posting her sons pictures on FB, those are the only things she's has from him. Was it tough for me to see being newly pregnant? Yes, but those are my emotions to deal with and they shouldn't stop her from grieving and sharing her emotions.


------------- quote box -------------------
Last summer I was a week away from my due date when I had to hear the doctors tell me he had no heartbeat and go through the process of delivering him. Trust me, it was not what I had in mind for the 9 months leading up to it. He is still my first born son and I am still so proud of him! My journey through grief was/is much harder since I'm "not allowed" to share him with others.

OP, you came here to share how upset you were just seeing this story in passing. It didn't even happen to you. Imagine being that mother, living it every day, and not being able to share your feelings with others!

I am very sorry for your loss.  Being this far in my pregnancy I empathize now more than ever with how awful a late term loss would be.

I also do not feel that you nor this mother nor any should be unable to share your story; I don't feel that I'm approaching loss in general as something to be ashamed of, but I was instead reacting to the very painful visuals that I had no control over seeing at such a sensitive point in my own journey.

Hearing stories/understanding loss is important for everyone because it still happens; at no point did I mean to imply that women shouldn't be able to share their stories.  To me, it's the way that it was shown.  Understanding loss has personally made me more aware of what's happening in/with my body, which is important for all pregnant women.  Again, I don't turn a blind eye to such tragedy, but I also think that people post things on FB to get reactions more than show they actually care.

I also personally don't approach loss as taboo (as I've said I've had a few friends go through the pain, and I just try to be there to listen), but I've never had to go through it so I don't know how other people might react to friends/family who experience it.  To me, it seems just as painful to me as losing an older child or sibling... maybe worse in some ways.

I hope that all goes well for you and all of the other moms who will hopefully have successful labors and healthy babies very soon.

Well said. I debated whether or not to comment, since I'm pretty certain my opinion will be unpopular.. But here goes:
My heart breaks for families that experience loss; both of a baby and of an older child. And I think that grief is a very personal experience that differs for everyone. I don't think that a mother or father sharing a loss story is taboo.

However, I really don't understand taking a picture and sharing it with others. You wouldn't take a picture of your relative or friend at a funeral home and share that all over social media. Why is this different? To me, it's unnecessary, the same way I don't want to see getting hurt or beat up, or pictures of abused animals on social media. We live in a culture that no longer understands boundaries or what's appropriate. And to share a picture of a complete stranger's baby? Hell no.

chase16

JRomeH said:

Some of the OP, and other responders wording are what I found off putting.
Paraphrasing here--
Not understanding why it needs to be shared

Picture on a desk "wierded me out"

In with the garbage, out with the garbage

...this is what I'm bothered by. Just 2 weeks ago the last day of a dog's life in photos was being shared left and right...does that bother you all the same? An old friend's mom recently posted some pics of her son's gravesite, should she not feel open to share if she wants? My nicu nurse friend shared an article about a teen suffering from terminal cancer, are we supposed to be quiet about that?

I've not seen the post OP is talking about, but if it so moved me, I would share.

Was the dog alive in the pictures that were shared? NMS, not something I'd share, but OK. An article about a teen with cancer? I'm assuming the article didn't have pictures of the teen after he died. So yes, share away. A grave site? Again, it's not a body, so sure, if that helps you greive. I'm not trying to be harsh or crass, but these examples are not the same as strangers sharing a picture of a dead baby. My point is people have lost sight of what is appropriate. I think that's the deeper issue here.

[Deleted User]

The user and all related content has been deleted.

jendem8

YoginiKiki said:

I just want to put it out there that I am really confident that if one of our ladies had a loss, and needed to share, that would be absolutely welcomed and encouraged.  Trigger warnings would be suggested as they are with any sensitive topic.  But all the mothers on this board, especially those who have been active in our community and are considered "friends" would find support here if at the bottom of the ninth the unthinkable happened.  We are fragile....yes.  We are at that stage right now....and most of us can't stop fearing the worst.  Maybe in a month people will be less unnerved by the subject...but again, if it happened here and one of us needed support and/or help....they would get it.   Nobody on this board is cruel.

Yes - that's very different (to me at least) because we would be there with a purpose, as a support system.  Exactly why I tried to provide kind words to those who shared stories of loss early on.  It's much different when you're talking directly to the person experiencing it.

mmsweeney1

@jendem8 I guess I misunderstood what you were saying when you posted. Because of my experience, I automatically get upset when a mother is judged (I know that's not how you meant your post) for how she grieves her baby. It's something most people will never understand and it can be very isolating. However, I never post anything on Facebook and I completely agree that people go overboard with what they share. I think nobody needs/cares to see half the things posted on there!

jendem8

mmsweeney1 said:

@jendem8 I guess I misunderstood what you were saying when you posted. Because of my experience, I automatically get upset when a mother is judged (I know that's not how you meant your post) for how she grieves her baby. It's something most people will never understand and it can be very isolating. However, I never post anything on Facebook and I completely agree that people go overboard with what they share. I think nobody needs/cares to see half the things posted on there!

Thank you for responding back.  I honestly felt very sad that I accidentally upset anyone on here, especially moms who have gone through loss.  I was just very shook up from seeing the initial post on FB and DH's response was just "Well don't look at that stuff," but I certainly wasn't seeking it out at the time; so I came here for support but obviously didn't phrase it right or just shouldn't have said anything.  I can't imagine the pain...

mmsweeney1

@jendem8 I think I am feeling extra sensitive because his 1st birthday just passed and the birth of our new baby is comping up this weekend. I don't think what you said is wrong. You definitely have a right to not be bombarded by sad pregnancy stories while you're waiting to deliver a healthy baby! I felt the same way seeing pregnancy announcements and bump pictures all over FB when I came home empty-handed.

I guess the hope is that someone will see that story and actually feel comforted by it. I personally seek out stillbirth stories because I need to remind myself that it happens to others too with no rhyme or reason and that people can actually get through it somehow.

nyagoc

jendem8 said:

mmsweeney1 said:

@jendem8 I guess I misunderstood what you were saying when you posted. Because of my experience, I automatically get upset when a mother is judged (I know that's not how you meant your post) for how she grieves her baby. It's something most people will never understand and it can be very isolating. However, I never post anything on Facebook and I completely agree that people go overboard with what they share. I think nobody needs/cares to see half the things posted on there!

Thank you for responding back.  I honestly felt very sad that I accidentally upset anyone on here, especially moms who have gone through loss.  I was just very shook up from seeing the initial post on FB and DH's response was just "Well don't look at that stuff," but I certainly wasn't seeking it out at the time; so I came here for support but obviously didn't phrase it right or just shouldn't have said anything.  I can't imagine the pain...

@jendem8 I saw where you were coming from.  While I have plenty of empathy for people who have gone through such horrific losses, with a week left to go with my pregnancy, the last thing I would want is to experience such a loss...nor have one additional thing to freak me out.