NWMR: Sharing

fitmom82

Someone posted this on Facebook and agreed that their child should not have to share.  I disagree.  I don't really care if another child shares with my children, but I will tell my kids that the other child is not being very nice.  I do require my children to share because it's nice to think of others and try to make sure everyone is as happy as possible.  I don't make them give something up the second another child wants it, but eventually they do need to share.  DD is 4 and is doing great and has made so many friends by bringing toys to the park and playing with a group of kids together.  DS is 2 and is still working on this.  He'll usually get upset so I'm just not letting him bring toys out until he can share nicely.

WDYT?  Should kids share?

https://www.sunnyskyz.com/blog/365/This-Mom-Perfectly-Explains-Why-She-Does-Not-Teach-Her-Kids-To-Share#9Sxpz5wcQWy2FyPs.01

dashofreality

Generally I think sharing is overrated. There is very little sharing that is done as an adult.  It also seems that some parents have turned sharing into kids must give up whatever they have whenever someone else wants it. 

I am focusing much more on doing nice things for others, taking turns, and not taking things from someone else. It has been working for us. I do talk about sharing occasionally, if it is a toy that multiple kids can use at once you can't hog it, and we have to take turns if someone is waiting for something like a swing. Generally toys in our house are open for anyone, but each kid has a few toys that they don't have to share. It has worked well for us. DD is extremely kind and thoughtful. She will bring DS his favorite toy if he loses it or if he is upset, and if I give her a treat she will always ask for one for her brother to have. DS, however, has learned that if you have something yummy that cutely saying share, share, to an adult usually works for him

TL;DR I agree, sharing isn't high on priority list of things to teach my kids, especially when people equate sharing with a requirement to give up whatever you have.

HobbityBarb

As with all things, I believe in moderation.

If my kids are out and have brought toys with them, then no they don't need to share. If they're playing with a playcentre's toys and someone else wants them, then they do need to share - but when they've finished a reasonable turn (I don't let them play forever - if you know someone's waiting it's polite to quickly finish your turn).

And by extension, they need to wait for another kid to finish their turn before they play.

jlaOK

I'm also in the middle ground group.  Having two kids now I can't imaging not having them share toys.  However, I'm not going to make you give up a favorite toy or something you just started playing with just in the name of sharing.  Everything in moderation.

dashofreality

K3am said:

There's a lot of things that people do that don't have an immediate direct benefit on the person doing it. 

To me, the concept of sharing isn't that "this item is mine, always mine, and letting someone else play with it means they're going to grow up to be spoiled assholes." The concept of sharing is more along the lines of"hey, I've got this cool thing. It makes me happy. But I'm not going to play with it ALL the time. If I share it, you get to play with it and be happy too!" I think the line people are trying to walk is between the concept of sharing, and the concept of being 100% self sacrificing. 

There's lots of things we share - everyday in the real world. The environment, the road, space, knowledge, love, the list goes on and on and on. I don't see how you can teach a child to be kind without teaching them the underlying concepts of sharing. 

This is said well. I think that the 'not sharing' is a push back to people who have gone too far with sharing. I don't offer to share my lunch with coworkers, but I will do something nice for them and bring in cookies or bagels. I think it is also part semantics, sharing is a bit nebulous and may or may not embody specific acts of kindness and taking turns.

I skimmed the article, but I think it is ridiculous that someone can 'save' monkey bars as 'theirs'. No. Like pretty much everything else, the middle ground is the best.

jtmomma13

As LO is almost a year, I haven't really haven't had much experience in this yet. But I believe that like a lot of PP have said- there is a middle ground. I saw someone post somewhere around the bump (confessing to lurking around) and they said that when they have children over to play they ask LO if there are any special toys that they want to put away so that they don't have to share them. And I liked this idea. You don't have to share EVERYTHING  but you do have to be considerate to others.

Right now I don't let my LO take a toy from another child. I will give the toy back to the child and give my LO something else to play with. It's touch and go as he is very persistent when he wants something but I want him to know that you can't take things from another person like that. Hard because he doesn't have the skills yet to ask or the skills to really understand the concept. 

I am sure my opinions will evolve and grow as we will be heading into this territory soon! 

Leap08

I think the author of the article is confusing sharing with taking and taking turns. To me, sharing means the kids play with a toy together. If a kid tries to take one of my daughter's toys from her she certainly does not have to give her toy to the kid. But I would encourage her to let the other kid play with her and her toy. Taking vs sharing. The car situation is really an example of taking turns and I think the author was a jerk for not making her kid give up the car to someone else after 15-20 minutes. The car did not belong to her or her son. It was there for all the kids to use and her kid monopolized it for the entire time. It's inconsiderate and really self-centered.

emberlee3

1. I think the preschool's policy is stupid.
2. I don't usually let my children bring toys to the park, but one idea is to suggest the child bring extra to share
3. I don't expect my children to share all their toys with each other, but to be reasonable and considerate.
4. Sharing that is initiated by the child and leads to cooperative play with other children is a positive feedback loop that will lead to more sharing, better social skills, and more fun.

jtmomma13

PrivacyWanted said:

I also really wonder what the mom of the kid who didn't get a turn in the car at the gym from the article has to say. The author's kid was is the car for 90 minutes? It doesn't belong to them. The more I think about this, the more I can come up with adult scenarios where we do share. The car example to me is like a treadmill at 530 at the gym. Everyone wants it. So everyone gets limited time (most gyms do 30 minutes I've been to ). There's a difference to me between owned belongings and resources you all pay for, be it through a membership fee or taxes

This is so true. 

itsmevkb

How is it that we live in a society where we actually need to debate the value of teaching kids to share/take turns?  Does every kid have to immediately give up a toy the second they are asked for it?  No.  Should kids learn that in life you get what you give?  Yep. At some point there will be another kid in the favorite red car and this mom will get all hacked off when that kid won't let her son even take a turn in his "favorite" car despite there being other cars there.   It's not rocket science people. 

This mom, and co-op, seem to be way over thinking it and in ways I'm guessing they don't apply to their own lives.  Oh, so your husband grabbed the remote so I guess that means he gets to watch what he wants to watch forever since he can "reserve" it during bathroom and meal breaks.  Last piece of chocolate cake?  None for you suckers who weren't smart enough to get in the kitchen first.  At the same time, I'm a little sad my parents didn't employ this technique as I always would have reserved the front seat of the car for long, family road trips instead of almost always being stuck riding backwards in a wood paneled station wagon.