Confessions 7/30/14

KH826

So, we don't have to do this every week (it would probably get old), but I have some new confessions.... so I thought I would start a new thread! HAHA

So tell us what is on your mind. The good, the bad and the ugly. This is a judgment free zone (like Planet Fitness, but without the exercise)!

KH826

Immediately following reading @JGY's confession post last night (see older thread), I went and checked behind Will's ears!

I am wearing "real" dress pants today (i.e. not maternity) for the first time in F.O.R.E.V.E.R! I am not comfortable. At all. Buttons and zippers are overrated.

I miss my baby a lot during the work day. When I get home I feel like I need to be solely responsible for his care from the minute I walk in the door until bed time since my wife has been alone with him all day. My wife doesn't feel this way, just me. It's like I feel like I have something to prove. It is a weird mix of me wanting to make sure I spend adequate time with him (so he still knows who I am?!?!?! Really... like he is going to forget!), and also feeling like I am pulling my weight and doing enough to give my wife a break. Last night I didn't eat dinner until 9pm. I was starving, exhausted, had a headache... my wife kept offering to take him, but I said no. I need to "check myself before I wreck myself"...

I have said this before, but I will say it again... I miss being pregnant. I didn't expect how strongly I would feel this. I think about it a lot. I am going to have a really hard time if my wife decides she wants to carry #2.

Oh, and I have been drinking an insane amount of coffee. I think I have a problem.

ball.and.chain

KH826 said:

Immediately following reading @JGY's confession post last night (see older thread), I went and checked behind Will's ears!

Did the same with B...don't think we've been washing there but it seemed OK.  Also was super mad at the pedi who scolded @JGY for "co-sleeping."  I am pretty sure I nodded off every time I nursed while in the hospital.  You just GAVE BIRTH and are exhausted and your kid is sucking the life out of you!

Flygirl1228 said:

I was not planning on a week stay at the hospital. I have no clean clothes. They are either spit up in or bloody. Therefore, that means no clean panties. I am wearing the hospital mesh ones and I like it!

My wife also didn't bring enough clothes.  We had my sister drop some off for her and she still ran out and ended up buying a t-shirt in the gift shop with the hospital logo on it.  When she was wearing it, a NP came by and asked what we did for a living.  She said to S, "Well, obviously, you work here."  And S said, "No, I just ran out of clothes."

My confessions:

My son peed on his face today.  Total mommy error.

Before B was born, I was sometimes a little worried that I would feel possessive of him because he is my genetic son and I carried him.  I also worried my wife wouldn't bond with him because he isn't her flesh and blood.  I am relieved to say now that he's here -- neither happened.  He feels completely "ours" and my wife is 100% in love with him.

ball.and.chain

themommymonster said:

I started weight watchers yesterday and I'm terrified. It's worked for me in the past, but it's a huge step to take. I'm the heaviest I've ever been. I need to lose around 100lbs. I know it will take time, but losing weight 1-2lbs at a time can be so discouraging.

I asked DP if she wanted to do WW with me and she initially said no. My response to her was, "So you want to keep being fat?" Bitch, party of one. She's since agreed to join because we need to do this together.

You can do it mommymonster!  I have to join soon too.  Same deal -- I've done it before but it's overwhelming.  AND I want my wife to join, but she doesn't want to...and I want our whole family to be healthy so she doesn't up and die on me at an early age...

Bree2109

My fiancee is a terrifying monster if she is woken up in the middle of the night so I've already thought about switching shifts at work to avoid leaving the baby alone  with her at night. I feel horrible that I feel like I need to.

KH826

All of this!

--Will has peed on his face more than once.

--When we were staying at CHOP with Will for a week, I bought us each a CHOP shirt (Will's is a onesie) from the gift shop. We looked like hospital tourists.

--I have a crap load of weight to lose, and I am struggling with allowing myself time to do it in a healthy way. I am not patient and I just want to feel thin and fit into my old clothes. I was heavy my whole life until about 3.5 years ago when I lost 110 lbs. I never want to go back to being heavy as a way of life, because I feel sooooo much better when I am not. I am not my heaviest weight, but I have about 50 lbs to lose to be back in my pre TTC clothes. It is so hard, but worth the work. Oh, and also my wife is at her heaviest weight and also doesn't seem super engaged in trying to lose weight with me right now.

--Also, I loved the mesh underwear. Loved them. I am still wearing my maternity underwear these days. I refuse to put on pre-pregnancy undies yet. I am just so averse to anything remotely tight right now. Oh, and anything that cuts me where my waist *should* be... I will have a waist again some day, right?

JGY

@ball.and.chain @themommymonster

If this is your sort of thing, then ... you're welcome.  My FIL is doing WW (after roughly a million years of being at a really unhealthy weight, he's finally lost about 60lbs. - he's a whole new person), so I researched a ton of recipes to make during their recent visit.  This was BY FAR my favorite:

https://www.recipe-diaries.com/2010/07/19/buffalo-chicken-lasagna/

 

JGY

JGY's Ode to Mesh Panties:

From the hospital I came, with not one gift but two.

My baby I had, but also had you.

The instructions they say, after use we should throw;

But my secret is, into the wash you go.

 

 

Karlamo

@KH826‌, I thought I'd chime in with our TTC #2 plan to offer some support.

The confession is we had a consult with our RE yesterday about doing a FET in Oct with me carrying. It all felt very surreal and sadly all of our TTC fears and emotions came flooding back. I hate how infertility leaves a scar in your soul.

When my wife was prego I was not jealous at all and was sure I didn't want to be pregnant. Then right after R was born I decided I didn't want to regret not having carried a baby or at least tried to get pregnant. My wife was surprised I wanted to since this whole time I was like " nah, I'm good" when anyone asked. She too was sad that she wouldn't get the chance to be pregnant again especially since we are using my eggs she worried about her place in their life. But after 5 months of talking and planning she very excited and supportive of me carrying. It'll be good for both of us to see things from the other side. In a perfect scenario she'll keep bf R till I give birth then she'll share in the bf of our new LO just like I do now with R.

We are paying OOP for me so I'm only giving it a few tries before we switch back to her since her insurance will pay for her. I just hope my gym teacher is right and I get knocked up the first time

rkbo

@herbabymama - That is awesome! I wish I could find my donor online. Mind if I ask how one would go about finding them on google?

wishiwaspreggo

herbabymama said:

Pumping and bumping … I have a doozy to confess. We used an anonymous donor from a sperm bank. He chose to be open ID, meaning that our daughter can contact him through the bank once she is 18 years old. After she was born, curiosity got the best of me and I googled and found him. I am an expert Googler, I used to work for a market research firm... Anyway I figured it would not be too much harm since he is open to being known, and it is the bank's policy to not share info. I have no intention of contacting him. However I found his Facebook profile, LinkedIn, and I'm following him on Twitter… I even found a picture of his parents. I saved all this in a file with the screenshots so that LO can see it someday when she is ready. K was so mad at me at first. Not knowing anything about the donor was her preference. But it is done now and some days I regret it and some days I don't.

C did this, too, but I didn't mind at all.  I was really curious, too.  The more I know about the donor, the better I'll be able to explain it to our kid.  And really, the more the kids know from an early age the more comfortable they are with the idea that they were conceived with a donor.

So don't feel too guilty about it

mwagner25

@herbabymama‌ that is totally something I would do.... And now I am curious if I could find our donor.

My confession of the week.... I wish my dogs were older.  We have three and I am not willing to re-home any of them unless we have a safety issue with Oliver at some point.  I wish they were a little closer to the natural end, they are 7, 8, and 9 now.  I can't hardly stand them some days.  I feel like if I am not getting up with Oliver then a dog is waking me for diarrhea, or pee, or to eat.  Or like this morning barking at 5:28 am and waking Oliver and I.   I am sooo sick of three dogs.  We will likely always have A dog, but never this many again. 

singingmua

Well... let's see... I have a few...

As badly as my wife and I want a baby, and believe me, we are totally thrilled with this pregnancy and very much looking forward to being parents, part of me thinks that maybe we didn't think this through enough. Maybe we should have planned better, etc. But, I'm turning 37 this year, so time is not really on our side, and IVF is not an option for me (too much risk of blood clots).

I swore that I would walk everyday of pregnancy for at least 30 minutes (I'm already very much overweight, but got healthy in the year before we started TTC and lost 60 pounds and started running), so that I could keep weight gain to a minimum. Every.single.day. I have found a reason NOT to walk (too hot, too exhausted, etc, etc).

I'm terrified that this kid will have a weight problem. My father and all of his siblings have (or had) weight issues, diabetes, and high blood pressure. I have had a weight problem my entire life. My mother is naturally tall and very thin (5'9 and currently a size 6/8) and has been her whole life. I always got the impression that she was a little embarrassed of me (she put me on various diets starting at about 10 or 11).

I've eaten waaaaaay too much fast food in the past several weeks out of sheer laziness and exhaustion. I feel terrible about it, and I'm really glad the exhaustion is getting better so I can  actually function again.

AandStilltrying

I secretly bump while I'm teaching because I'm addicted!

shelly2314

So...some days I am good with my GD diet and testing.....others I just say F it and do what I want.

I am not enjoying pregnancy. I love my girls and am amazed with their motions and growth but pregnancy has sucked the life out of me. I am sorry. I know this sounds awful b/c I wanted it so badly and I know many out there do, but it is not something I am enjoying (much to my surprise)

Some nights I resent my wife for being able to sleep while I am struggling---really want to punch her for that LOL

redrockmama

@herbabymama‌, I definitely tried to find our donor, w no luck. I don't consider myself a master googler, but pretty good. J doesn't know, I don't think she would appreciate my efforts much, I'm just super curious.

redrockmama

My confession, I don't know why (well I have an idea) but I feel really protective of M when it comes to my mom. I want her to love him and vice versa, but it bothers me when she holds him and obsesses over him. It doesn't bother me when anyone else does this, just her. I clearly have issues.

Elangella10

Hi. I'm new but dying to get things off my chest:

First of all, I'm sure many of you can relate to me, but I feel like the only thing that is going to satisfy me personally is to get pregnant and become a mom. I'm young, 22, and know I have time, but I'm itching for a baby so bad. I have a great life, really it's amazing. I have the perfect husband, two bachelors degrees, we own a 3 bedroom house, both have great jobs, 2 wonderful dogs and 3 mischievous cats. But I just can't help but feeling that I want to be pregnant right this second. We found a great donor, a few of them actually, and we plan to do our first AI in September, but I worry so much that I just won't be able to get pregnant. I know it kills my husband when I bug him with my baby rabies, because more than anything he wants to be able to get me pregnant on his own. It just is not possible. I feel terrible about it, but I feel a baby is something I desperately need in life.

mallory4284

herbabymama said:

Pumping and bumping … I have a doozy to confess.

We used an anonymous donor from a sperm bank. He chose to be open ID, meaning that our daughter can contact him through the bank once she is 18 years old. After she was born, curiosity got the best of me and I googled and found him. I am an expert Googler, I used to work for a market research firm... Anyway I figured it would not be too much harm since he is open to being known, and it is the bank's policy to not share info. I have no intention of contacting him. However I found his Facebook profile, LinkedIn, and I'm following him on Twitter… I even found a picture of his parents. I saved all this in a file with the screenshots so that LO can see it someday when she is ready.

K was so mad at me at first. Not knowing anything about the donor was her preference. But it is done now and some days I regret it and some days I don't.

J totally tried to reverse google image search our donor's childhood pictures so we could find him online (it didn't work) I'm impressed you were able to find him! I think we would have done the same if we knew how!

mallory4284

Thinking about how I need to clean made me think of my confession....

I get legitimately pissed off at J when she refuses to help clean the house be herself. She'll only clean if I help her.... Yet 90% of the time I clean by myself because she's at work. (I work 5:15 to 2:15 so I'm home by 2:30 every afternoon and have a lot of free time) Her excuse is that I choose to clean by myself... She doesn't make me do it. If I want help I should wait to do it on the weekends so she can help.... And I'm like wtf?? I'm supposed to just sit around in a dirty house until we finally have a free weekend to clean...

Not to mention she pokes fun at me all the time for napping in the middle of the day (for what it's worth, I don't do that) so I can only imagine the crap if get if I sat around just letting dirt, laundry, and dishes like up because I chose to wait for "help"

Why can't she just take it upon herself every so often to clean the house for me when i do it so much for her???

Guess that's more a rant than a confession lol sorry!

rkbo

I got my very first traffic ticket just about a month ago and I finally got the amount of it today. 

Speeding 84 mph in a 65 mph zone on the freeway...... $441 including traffic school!! AAH

The stupid part is that I wasn't even in a hurry, the freeway was empty and I was just cruising to my dads house. 

ball.and.chain

JGY said:

@ball.and.chain @themommymonster

If this is your sort of thing, then ... you're welcome.  My FIL is doing WW (after roughly a million years of being at a really unhealthy weight, he's finally lost about 60lbs. - he's a whole new person), so I researched a ton of recipes to make during their recent visit.  This was BY FAR my favorite:

https://www.recipe-diaries.com/2010/07/19/buffalo-chicken-lasagna/

Yeah, we would totally eat that.  My wife in particular would love it, and she's a hard sell with WW stuff.  Thanks!

ATXmommas

Along the lines of cleaning behind the ears, make sure to get those belly buttons too! I typically forget until one day I notice how crusty it's getting. Oops!

winstan1 said:

We are compromising with a more neutral color and some sparkly and pink THINGS to go in it. Any thoughts appreciated. Also- Im not the sort who has time and energy to just repaint it should he goes on to something else.  

I think grey and pink go beautifully together! And pretty much any color in the rainbow looks great with grey if he tires of pink. Google pink and grey rooms and you will get lots of ideas!

Pinkspark

I'm a bit late to the party, but here's mine-

I think we are in for a world of pain when the twins get older. I took my 3 year old niece to the park yesterday and could barely keep up with her.. how the heck am I supposed to do that with two!? Maybe we should have done the baby thing a few years ago when we were younger!

JGY

stringy813 said:

herbabymama said:

rkbo said:

@herbabymama - That is awesome! I wish I could find my donor online. Mind if I ask how one would go about finding them on google?

I actually got the idea from watching Gen Cryo on MTV. The kids googled him according to college major and activities, etc. It was easier for me because donor is very active online (he wants to enter politics) and had a lot of distinguishing accomplishments that took me to his Linkedin profile. So now I have the face and the name. Kind of weird! He has 5 other offspring born in the last 12 months, and I wonder if any other parents have done this. I may wait to see if C wants the info before just offering it to her.

I did this too and found him.  He's not overly present online, but its neat to have a name and adult face.  I've often wondered what the bank would say if they knew this was possible, because I can also see his phone number and email address...and if I was a crazy person I could call him up.  I'm guessing he wouldn't like that.  I was completely astonished that I found him.

Can you guys remind me which cryobanks you used?  I feel like there's a huge difference in the amount of information available on the donors from different banks.  There's seriously VERY little for me to go on from the profile at Fairfax if I were going to try to find the donor.  I'm not planning on trying to do that, but I'm just totally perplexed as to how it would even be possible.  And now I feel like I really missed out and should have more info. on our donor.

Himee33

@JGY We used Fairfax also. L spent hours one day trying to find him online from the clues in his childhood and adult pictures. The only thing we found out is he grew up in Arizona. Even though we have childhood and adult pictures it would still be nice to see him now and know more about him!

ball.and.chain

@jgy, I don't think it would work with our donor either. I might attempt it since I also consider myself a master Googler (I am a research librarian) but I think the info we have is either too basic/generic or not the kind of info that would be included in a social media profile, CV etc (e.g. eye color). We used CCB, FWIW, but I also think it depends on how unique your donors background is.

ETA: Tried it; didn't work.

ball.and.chain

RobertJane33 said:

Sometimes, I'm terrified that we've made a mistake getting pregnant, particularly now that there are twins.  What if we hate being parents?  What if we can't handle them?  What if we aren't able to do anything that we currently love (travel/hiking/skiing, etc.) because we either can't afford it with four of us, or its too difficult?  

This is what I cried about as we were heading out the door for my induction.  Seriously.  And it is one of the things I cried about on the MANY occasions when I cried in the first week after he was born.

The good news is that I think it's not unusual to feel that way, and for me at least, those fears went away.  Yesterday afternoon my wife fell asleep snuggling B on the bed and I just gazed at them like this:
:x

But today he is being cranky, I am having more bfing issues which are causing feeding issues which I believe is causing crankiness, bfing right now feels like the tactile equivalent of fingernails on a chalkboard, we got a particularly shitty night's sleep last night (including the emptying of the entire contents of his stomach all over me at 4 am, after being awake for several hours), and my nerves are just shot.  If my wife was here or my sister wasn't at work, I would gladly hand him over and take a walk.  But I am solo today and so there has been crying from both of us.  Some days just suck.

But you CAN handle them, even if you have bad days, and you WILL likely love being their parents, and even if you can't travel, ski etc, you will believe that they are worth it.

JGY

ball.and.chain said:

RobertJane33 said:

Sometimes, I'm terrified that we've made a mistake getting pregnant, particularly now that there are twins.  What if we hate being parents?  What if we can't handle them?  What if we aren't able to do anything that we currently love (travel/hiking/skiing, etc.) because we either can't afford it with four of us, or its too difficult?  

This is what I cried about as we were heading out the door for my induction.  Seriously.  And it is one of the things I cried about on the MANY occasions when I cried in the first week after he was born.

The good news is that I think it's not unusual to feel that way, and for me at least, those fears went away.  Yesterday afternoon my wife fell asleep snuggling B on the bed and I just gazed at them like this:
:x

But today he is being cranky, I am having more bfing issues which are causing feeding issues which I believe is causing crankiness, bfing right now feels like the tactile equivalent of fingernails on a chalkboard, we got a particularly shitty night's sleep last night (including the emptying of the entire contents of his stomach all over me at 4 am, after being awake for several hours), and my nerves are just shot.  If my wife was here or my sister wasn't at work, I would gladly hand him over and take a walk.  But I am solo today and so there has been crying from both of us.  Some days just suck.

But you CAN handle them, even if you have bad days, and you WILL likely love being their parents, and even if you can't travel, ski etc, you will believe that they are worth it.

I honestly believe that all of these feelings are normal, and that the first 3-6 months are 1 huge adjustment period.  But the good news is that with every day that passes, you become more attached, less confused, and things that you're afraid you'll miss tend to slip away bit by bit ever so peacefully.  It doesn't mean you don't get a pang every now and then (e.g. "Damn, I really wish I could go on that fun road trip with my friends, but ... doh ... kid"), but eventually all you will have to do is look at your child/ren and the hormones take over (even if there's no genetic connection or you're the non-carrying parent) and you get over it.

Now none of the above is meant to say that you'll feel in control or like you know what you're doing.  That's an entirely different topic and if anyone has some helpful hints there, please let me know ... until then I'll be busy cleaning up the last 7 nights' worth of dinner that my kid has thrown against the wall ...

trisholio

I don't have time to respond to so many of you, I'm sorry. I've been sick for two days with a horrible stomach bug, I will spare you the details. But I love the honesty and support of this board, especially this new thread.
I thought I would enjoy pregnancy and parenting more, but honestly they both stuck really bad sometimes. But there are sweet moments that kind of make up for it. Like this morning my wife making breakfast and had M help her scramble the eggs, she was so patient with her, explained each step and when they were done M came running into the living room so happy like she had won the lottery. It was precious, and a bonus M loved the eggs and ate all of them!!
Sorry for the confession/rave all together. Just know there are good days too

JGY

Back to confessions:

I have not encouraged my kid to learn to eat using utensils (and at times have actively discouraged it - more flame-worthy) primarily because I'm just too exhausted to deal with the inevitable mess.

rkbo

I have a new confession today....

I just went to the bathroom at work to take off my bra because its just getting too tight around now. Thankfully I have a tank top on under my dress that has a shelf bra in it. It doesn't hold like a regular bra, but it helps a little.

Pre-pregnancy I was a 36DDD, I'm afraid...very very afraid of what these monsters are going to turn into by the time I give birth.

Pinkspark

RobertJane33 said:

Sometimes, I'm terrified that we've made a mistake getting pregnant, particularly now that there are twins.  What if we hate being parents?  What if we can't handle them?  What if we aren't able to do anything that we currently love (travel/hiking/skiing, etc.) because we either can't afford it with four of us, or its too difficult?  

@Robertjane33

I was exactly where you are at when we found out I was pregnant with twins. It actually sparked a pretty bad spell of pre-natal depression for me that I actively had to work on to break free from. 

I'm not going to lie..  they're almost 4 months old (around 9 weeks old adjusted) and it kinda sucks. I see my wife for 3 hours a day..and my life is a constant run around. But, I just keep reminding myself that things will get better as they get older. I will begin to see my wife more, we will actually sleep in the same bed again at the same time, we will get sh*t under control. I truly do forget how exhausting it is when they smile and snuggle, and I'm going to miss them terribly come Monday when I go back to work. It has definitely put a cramp in our social lives (More like killed it), but I think babies in general do that. 

We'll see how things go when they get a bit older and more active, I'll keep you posted LOL

Jazibel

I'd love respond to everyone, I was out of the house most of yesterday so just catching up.

@JGY - I hear you on the utensils and cleaning up after eating - period. Sometimes I'm tempted to go back to spoon feeding or only making smoothies in a sippy cup. He can learn to eat with his hands in Kindergarten right?

@ball.and.chain & RobertJane33 - I think those feelings are totally normal (or at least I believe that because I've been there).  Even today as I drove EV to work we were talking about how amazing it would be to go on vacation at some secluded beach - just the two of us. It's so overwhelming especially the first months (heck the first years).  But like you said those special moments with our LO(s) are so precious.  Also I think we eventually figure out a way to continue pursuing our passions (travel, hobbies, etc) while also developing new ones (going on walks, playgrounds, kiddie pools).

Thanks for posting about belly buttons and ears. I totally checked Owen during his bath last night and lo and behold a little dirty belly button!

My confessions:  I'm mad at my parents right now and I'm trying to play it cool because EV is also mad and I have to be the peace-keeper.  The overview. We asked them for a favor a few weeks ago. My mom tells me the other day that they'd love to help and are even interested in pursuing that option but they were told they can't. Well what they were told is a blatantly un-true but my mom was rude and acted like I was crazy to suggest that they might have options since they were initially interested. Anyway we'd gotten our hopes up, and EV was really excited because we've never received a lot of support from them.  Sigh.... 
My mom is super co-dependent and has spent years fixing my brother's many problems (I could go on and on....). She has not interest in our non-dramatic life.