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October 2014 Moms
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My little angel and my goodbye

CheesyPeasCheesyPeas member
in October 2014 Moms
My little girl is gone.  After getting freaked out about lack of movement, I called my OB on Wednesday and came in to be checked.  They checked me with a doppler and nothing, so I went next door for an ultrasound knowing all too well what I would be seeing.  And I saw her.  Perfectly still and peaceful.  They induced me that day, and I delivered 1 lb 1 oz and 11 inches of pure, peaceful perfection that night.  We named her Layla Vera.  Our last name starts with D, so her initials look like "loved."  

She truly was perfect.  Perfect tiny little hands, perfect tiny little feet, a perfect little face that I couldn't stop kissing.  Simply everything parents could hope for in a little baby except for that beating heart.  The cord was around her neck once but it didn't appear tight, so my doctor doesn't feel confident that that's what happened even though it's her best guess at this point.  They're doing recurrent loss panels on me and some additional testing on her as well, so maybe that will provide us with some answers in a couple of weeks.

She stayed right by our side or in our arms for about 12 hours before I was discharged yesterday morning, and handing her over to the nurse for the final time completely shattered me and DH.  That feeling is indescribable.  We let her big brother meet her and it was the most precious yet heartbreaking thing imaginable.

The tears rarely stop.  I feel like my life is one big ugly cry since Wednesday morning, although a lot of the time the tears and heartbreak remain on the inside as much as possible for DS's sake.  We bury Layla on Tuesday, and then climb the mountainous task of trying to put the pieces back together and try again so that DS can have that precious baby to hold for longer than a couple of hours.

I wish you all the very best for the remainder of your pregnancies and hope that no one else has to feel this pain.  Cherish every moment, every kick, and hell even every sniss.  <3 
November 2010 - 10.5 week loss  o:) 
October 2011 - DS (7)  <3 
July 2014 - Stillborn DD (24 weeks)  o:) 
August 2015 - DD (3)  <3 
April 2018 - 5 week loss o:) 

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