Dealing with deaths in blended families

acbarbour

Backstory - My mom married SF#1 when I was 2.5 yrs old and had two of my brothers.  He was in the Navy and was involved in a freak accident that killed three of his shipmates when only he should have been injured.   He was not the same after that and he began to abuse my mom and they separated when I was 7.  My mom married SF#2 when I was 10 (still married) and had my brother and sister.

On Sunday SF#1 passed away very unexpectedly.  We had a good relationship after the divorce and often he would include me in his visitation with his boys because my father is very uninvolved and he was the only dad I knew as a child.  Since I went away for college we have not been in constant contact and my husband has only met him once or twice.  People in his immediate family are asking me to help them with things and relying on me to help them with their grief.  They keep asking how my mom and brothers are doing but nobody has considered my feelings.  I feel like I shouldn't feel the way I do because he was not my dad and there were some very bad times but he cared about me when nobody else could sometimes.  He was the only man I had every called daddy and considered me his daughter even after the divorce. 

I have gotten tired of explaining to people that my dad and step-dad have not passed by my brothers dad.  Because our relationship wasn't very public or plausiable to them some of his family has decided that I barely remember him.  My brothers have asked me to sit with them, their uncle and grandfather and some people are upset because I am just the ex-step-daughter. 

I am angry because people keep asking me to define my relationship with SF#1, they keep determining I am not really family, and they have decided that I am not close enough to be in mourning.  I am hurt because the people that I considered family have again decided that I am not really related and therefore don't matter.  I am sad that I lost my dad.  It doesn't matter if he was my first, second, or fifteenth dad, he was still my dad.

Sorry it was long.  I seem to be full of vents and hurt feelings lately but I really needed to get this out and I usually go to my brother about things but right now I can't, he is dealing with enough.

joshsmandy

I kind of know how you feel. I'm do sorry for your loss. When my mom and my step dad number 1 divorced I was ex clmmunicated from him by my Strp siblings, mind you he was my dad from 4 yrs old until 21. I am always checking obits just so that I will know when he does pass because no one will tell me, and he has also been very ill. they say the same thing that I'm not family. I hope you can find some peace in this hard time.

acbarbour

I am dealing ok and thank you.  I was hoping things would be different after all this time.  I hope that I dont ever put my family through this as I still have a step-parent, a bio-parent, and DH is a step-parent to my son.  I hope that they can be some sort of reconcile in your future so that the people who were a major part of your life can at least be cordial with you.  I would hate to live with the not knowing if something has happened and no one told you.  Thanks for listening.

dannie2011

I have no experience but wanted to say I'm sorry for your loss. He was a father to you and you shouldn't have to grieve alone. 

Ilumine

I have two questions for you.  

1) Exactly who are these people, that are giving you a hard time or telling you what you should feel and do

2) And why are you letting other people define you, your relationships and what it means to provide support?

My Aunt married a wonderful man.  My Aunt divorced this wonderful man after almost 20 years. To this day, he is my Uncle Richard.  And when Uncle Richard died, I sent condolences to Uncle Richard's new wife and family (I would have gone to the funeral if I had been in the States).  

I do not allow others define who I am allowed to love and mourn.  Though I do believe that if your mother had some issue with this, then MAYBE you could stop and think.  HOWEVER, since she allowed you to go on visitations with your brothers, then she could not have been THAT upset with him.  She lost any moral high ground about your relationship with ExSF being disrespectful to her when she willingly gave you up to him after the divorce. 

Look, if you really just can't stand up to these people on principle alone and need some EXCUSES to get these people off your back, then ultimately funerals are about the living.  They are about supporting the family and close friends of the deceased.  And if your BROTHERS want you to sit with them to support them, then the rest of the world needs to STFU.  Your seating placement isn't about who you think you are in relationship to your former Stepfather, but your relationship with your brothers.  

But I think that it would be best to just tell the others that you do not need to explain yourself to anyone other than your brothers. 

acbarbour

Thanks to you all for reaching out.  I appreciate the sentiment.

@ilumine your right.  I don't know all of the details of the divorce but from what I remember he was a good dad and husband but after that accident he was not able to handle any stress or make any decisions.  He was verbally and mentally abusive to my mother but never us.  My mom and her family are fine with my involvement and encouraged us to remain close.  He was a great weekend dad.  He came to games and recitals, he was on the back wall at every awards assembly but was no able to care for a family every day.  He was aware of this and so were we. 

The people with a problem are SF's brothers and cousins.  The aunts and uncles that never really had any involvement in his day to day but have an opinion about how proper something is or not.  These are the relatives that show up because they know there is a life insurance policy and are trying to ensure there are less hands to share.  I shouldn't let these people get to me and I have been using these last few days to build up my thick skin.

mommy5point0

As I see it, he was your dad, plain and simple. Biology nor legality make parents parents. He still parented you in your childhood and adult. Labels suck.

I'm sorry you're dealing with such insensitive people.

acbarbour

Thank you everyone for your thoughts.  Things have calmed down a little since someone made the mistake of letting my brother hear some of the things they were saying about my mom and I and he threatened to give his dad a Viking burial.  Most of the whispers have died down as my brother is not really the type to make mad.  Thank you again.

Wahoo

I'm glad your brother put everyone in their place! So sorry for your loss and the way you were treated.

acbarbour

Thanks everyone for your thoughts and reassurance.  The funeral was this past Thursday and over a hundred people were there and everything was beautiful.  Out of all those people only two were downright disrespectful to me and nothing blatant enough for anyone else to notice.  Although they did make a few snide remarks to my sister in law thinking she was me.  She is a heavy set woman (similar build to my mother) and 16 weeks pregnant with twins so more curvy than usual.  A few people told her she managed to be just as fat as her mom.  Her responses had them picking their jaws off the ground.  I Love her!!!

JLHV1909

acbarbour said:

Thanks everyone for your thoughts and reassurance.  The funeral was this past Thursday and over a hundred people were there and everything was beautiful.  Out of all those people only two were downright disrespectful to me and nothing blatant enough for anyone else to notice.  Although they did make a few snide remarks to my sister in law thinking she was me.  She is a heavy set woman (similar build to my mother) and 16 weeks pregnant with twins so more curvy than usual.  A few people told her she managed to be just as fat as her mom.  Her responses had them picking their jaws off the ground.  I Love her!!!

Who says that at a funeral? People blow my mind sometimes- I'm sorry for your loss.

Ilumine

acbarbour said:

Thanks everyone for your thoughts and reassurance.  The funeral was this past Thursday and over a hundred people were there and everything was beautiful.  Out of all those people only two were downright disrespectful to me and nothing blatant enough for anyone else to notice.  Although they did make a few snide remarks to my sister in law thinking she was me.  She is a heavy set woman (similar build to my mother) and 16 weeks pregnant with twins so more curvy than usual.  A few people told her she managed to be just as fat as her mom.  Her responses had them picking their jaws off the ground.  I Love her!!!

Please tell me that your Brother has cut these people out of his life.  

acbarbour

Thanks. They are a whole group of people that have not done much with their lives and enjoy tearing someone down their level.  My brothers live out of state and don't see them often but they play nice on Facebook and keep in touch pretty well.  I did get to see some of the older relatives that are out of state and I hardly ever see and found some really awesome pictures of us when we were young.  I am choosing to go back to living my life and blocking out the crazy.  Thanks again for your condolences.