Dh isn't affectionate to 3 year old ds

anna.ce

I don't know what to think of this and I'm worried about how 3 yo ds is going to grow up when dh isn't the affectionate type. I expressed my concerns but he brushes it off a lot. He's always been this way. I'm worried about how my son will grow up and what kind of man he will be when it comes to being affectionate. I show my affection to ds, maybe not a lot but I do. Any thoughts? =\

Emerald27

When you say that he's not affectionate, do you just mean he's not all about the snuggles and kisses? My DH isn't the touchy feely type, so he's not all about those things. He'll kiss DS and hold him close if he's crying, but beyond that, he's not particularly affectionate.

But boy do they play! DS will snuggle with me and be super sweet, but DH walks in the door and you'd think a party had started! DS climbs all over DH and they (gently-ish) wrestle and tickle and roughhouse. It's super cute.

Dad's relationship with his kids will be so unique and different from Mom's, and that's ok (actually, it's awesome). As long as your DH is giving DS lots of "love" via attention, play, and gentle discipline, you have nothing to worry about!

anna.ce

I've spoke to him about it it before and he just kind of laughs it off like it was silly to be even talking about it. And he rarely plays with ds. He'll give them baths and things like that but he hardly plays around with him. Just a lot of sitting around and watching tv, I'm sure he's tired bc of work and all but I can't help that it still bothers me. Maybe it's something I don't understand but I'm trying to understand.

Emerald27

So it's more than just their relationship being different in regards to affection...your DH isn't taking an interest in DS and engaging him, playing with him, etc.

I would plan to sit down for a long talk about how your DH feels, what you see (he might not see it), and what's best for DS. Maybe some counseling would be helpful too?

I'm sorry you're going through this. My DH isn't the most "affectionate," but he loves DS with all his heart and has his own unique relationship with him...that involves lots of daily attention and play.

anna.ce

@Nicb13‌ thank you for standing up for me. I've just been stressing and finding ways to figure this out before it's too late. I appreciate you doing so.

@MrsMuq‌ it's cool, I was a little hurt by it but it's whatever, I'm struggling enough as it is and trying to solve this. If I were to be perfect, this wouldn't happen at all =\

Everyone else, thank you for your taking the time to respond and your tip/advice

ASmallWonder

I agree that the issue isn't the affection so much as him being present and involved.  What does your husband like to do?  What does your son like to do?  Could you find a way to encourage a joint activity?  DH likes super hero stuff so, even though it's tv, they often watch super hero crap on tv and DH likes explaining all the characters to DS.  That evolved into my buying DS some super hero books and saying "I got these for you and Daddy to read together - they're just like the shows!"  DS has mini yard tools and "helps" rake and sweep the walk when DH is out there.  

Not at all saying this is the issue but do remember that parents will enjoy different things with their kids and there's no right or wrong (except not doing anything at all, which is the part I know you're working on  DH is a thrill seeker and I'm a wimp with a capital W.  When we went on vacation last month DH got upset with me because I was too afraid to go on rides with our son.  He told me I was missing out on making memories with him.  I told him that I make plenty of memories - they're just different so he can take him on rides and I'll teach him to make muffins and do craft projects, kwim?

ss265

OP, I think some of this might have to do with your DH's personality. Is he a very serious person? What is he like with his friends - does he make jokes, fool around etc.? I ask because I am by nature, a very serious person (DH likes to tease me that when we were first dating, discussing plans on where to go felt like a business deal) and playing with kids doesn't come naturally to me. I am fine with my own DS and but don't really interact with our nieces and honestly I might be different with DS if I hadn't given birth to him. I am sure that your DH loves your DS, which is the most important thing but he just doesn't know how to play with him.

Could they play a sport together like basketball, baseball etc.? Playing doesn't always mean rough-horsing etc, it would be that they just spend time together. What kind of interests does your DH have and could he incorporate them with DS? How much time do they spend alone together? Maybe have him take DS to the park alone, without you? I think TV/IPad can easily be used as a crutch so maybe make a rule that the TV is never on when you both are spending time with DS.

ashiscute

I think some people (more often men) have a hard time playing with little ones sometimes.  They get very embarrassed and can't be silly easily.  My brother is like this sometimes with my niece and definitely with my kids.  DH had a harder time at the beginning but he got over it pretty quickly.  

I think you got some great advice from PP.  We have a rule where we do not have the TV on when the kids are awake unless it's a sporting event (it was on during the world cup game, baseball games).  We are all different and your DH might just need more help finding ways to relate to your LO.  You are going to have to try to find ways to help them.  Good luck!

SunAndRain

I think sometime parents are at a loss as to what to do with kids.  I struggle with that.  I see DH struggling with it too.  Unless DD and I are doing some sort of organized activity together...I'm just not creative and I don't "play" well.  Have a tea party?  Do a craft project?  We color with crayons for like 10 seconds before she gets bored. 

With DH I encourage with by giving him specific ideas.  He had DD all day one weekend recently so I encouraged him to take her to the children's museum.  He wouldn't have done it on his own and I knew there was enough there to keep them occupied.  They had a great time and DD even came home with art work.

 I swim with DD several times per week.  Our pool time is focused around activities we learn in her weekly swim lessons - but she and I have fun together.  

I suggested to DH that we enroll DD in martial arts when she is old enough as that could be the "daughter and dad" thing. DH competed when he was younger and always talks about how his dad was a big part of it.  Sometime like that can turn in to quality time at home spent practicing together.  If it were up to me I'd take her to ballet...but this is about fostering their relationship.

I guess I'm thinking that your DH might do better with directed activities.  That it isn't a lack of interest but more of a lack of skills...which fortunately can be learned!

anna.ce

Thank u @SunAndRain‌ and @MrsMuq‌ ! Never thought is most of the things you ladies have listed. Now on my way to work with trying these things out. I appreciate it very much

SunAndRain

Well, I'd like to thank you TOO!  Because your question got me thinking about if I could do more to have silly fun with DD. 

So I went and got some simple, pre-packaged crafts at Michaels that she and I could do together.  This morning we put foam stickers that came with the foam frames which became her simple rewards chart.  And we talked about colors and shapes while we made it together. She was so proud of it she didn't want to let it go for me to hang it on the wall!

AND I started digging for some fun dress up stuff.  Today I found a couple crazy wigs that DH and I worn for costumes a few years ago.  DD had a blast trying them on, looking at herself in the mirror and "show daddy pretty" (she is 2 so sentences are what they are!)

Another thought overall about my experience with my DH which I'll share, even though it may be completely irrelevant to your situation, because it was a big deal in our family.  I always try to set DH up for success.  This means offering concrete suggestions, not only on what to do, but what to take with him (snacks, etc.).  And I remind him to make sure she has a snack every 2 hours.  The thing is that DH would get VERY frustrated with DD's breakdowns, not realizing that she was just hungry because, "well, she ate breakfast!" but it is now noon. Over time this has gotten WAY better but it was a rough learning curve for both of us and I certainly didn't want DH to throw his hands up in the air and quit trying!

mamaHippo23

There are so many different ways of showing affection. Some people do the cuddles and kisses, some people buy gifts, some people pitch in and help with chores/ projects, and some people do the caretaking things like baths, getting dressed, brushing teeth. If your H participates in some fashion then that's what important. Like maybe he doesn't give a lot of hugs but he'll chase him around the playground for hours, or read him bedtime stories or set up his new bedroom furniture, etc. etc. Physical affection is not everyone's strong suit and it's not really fair to force that issue if he has other strengths he can offer your son.