Serious subject

Guennie

So I have been thinking a lot about the fact that we haven't designated anyone as legal guardian to our daughter should anything happen to us. I feel very strongly that this is something we need to do but my husband just shrugged it off when I brought it up and said, "I want Wayne to be her Godfather."

Forget the fact that a godparent isn't necessarily who you would name as guardian, if this is what he means my answer is NO. This is someone I would not want in charge of my daughter. He smokes, he has 2 children from different women, and he is currently divorcing the mother of child #2 because she claims she discovered he was cheating on her. Regardless of whether it's true, I do not feel this person would be the best choice for our daughter. I am trying to come up with my own suggestions but I'm having a hard time.

I don't want to name our parents because she should go to someone younger than us who can see her through, not someone old enough that she would actually have to think about taking care of them when she is still young. My sister is only a year older than me but they struggle with the 2 kids they already have and would not be in a good position to provide for her. My husband's half sister is a lot older and an emotional mess.

Did anyone else struggle with this? Did you and your husband disagree? If so, how did you resolve this issue?

jbelle

I wouldn't say we're struggling with this in quite the same way, but we are struggling a bit to decide. In our case, we've got quite a few options we're both comfortable with. The biggest complicating factor is that several of our top choices live several hours away. 

A guardian we pick now could easily relocate an infant, but how will we feel once she starts school? Do we want to change her guardian at a later date? How will we feel when that time comes? How will the guardian feel?

We have not resolved the issue yet. We're irresponsibly delaying! 

I will say, our friends named my DH and I guardians of their children--even when we were childless. It really made me rethink who we'd consider for guardianship of any children we had and opened up the options quite a bit. We'll probably pick a sibling, but it was still very helpful to consider more than "just family."

springbeduk2

That is a very good reminder of something dh and I have put off discussing. What happens by default if no-one is designated?

DH's family is all in another country so my preference would be my family or someone else here but my only brother is 13 years older then me and he and his wife chose not to have kids - largely for physical reasons for her but still - they're pretty content being aunt and uncle (already got to be for past 20 years on her side) and parenting is so different. They would be kind and loving but id feel it was an imposition. We don't have any really really close mutual friends. I have a stepsister a couple years younger than me who I think wanted a second child and wasn't able to have one but .. she's halfway across the country and we've only met her 3 times.???? Yikes. Something else to worry about when my mind wanders during MOTN feedings!

springbeduk2

@Guennie‌ - would your sister's struggle with taking on your child with her own be mainly financial or more that 3 kids is so much more of a circus than 2? And does your H. like your sister and her H.? If he does and the concern is mainly financial might a life insurance policy make that a viable option? Maybe? Though that is one more thing you'd have to get your dh to discuss, and even more importantly another expense in your budget now, but at your ages it might be possible to get an affordable one. Maybe?

[Life insurance : yet another thing dh and I have not yet discussed or taken care of. Blah!]

Guennie

My husband has never met any of my family other than my mom and her husband. My sister would not even begin to have the financial stability to take on another child. As far as a life insurance policy, that is something we need to discuss at some point but we aren't in a position to pay into one at this time. I'm hoping that will change when we get the medical bills paid off.

I talked to my mom about this today and now she is upset that I wouldn't automatically choose them. Great. As if this wasn't hard enough.

springbeduk2

I talked to my mom about this today and now she is upset that I wouldn't automatically choose them. Great. As if this wasn't hard enough.

hugs!!!

Geeps2

We lucked out in that my sister and brother in law would take my kids if something happened to me and my DH.  I am sorry you are having such a hard time with this.  Hope it all works itself out.  It;s so tough trying to find someone who would love your child as much as you do.  

shelley1002

Thanks for the reminder.  We need to get on this.  We haven't discussed it at all.  I know who I want to be legal guardians should something happen to us.

Guennie

@springbeduk2‌ if nobody was designated there would be a big battle over who gets her. That's exactly what I want to avoid. There is no shortage of people who love her and would want her. I honestly would not want her to go to anyone in his family because they all smoke. And I'm talking heavy smokers.

nikkiuk

Ouch this is serious and a subject we've been avoiding too. But, it's got to be done. My family (kids not included) are a waste of space. My sister is nuts, my Dad an alcoholic so that's them out. My DH's sister is nuts too and his brother has medical issues. My in-laws are wonderful, but too old to assume that role. That leaves my 21 year old daughter as the only option to take on the baby and my 16 year old. I don't want to thrust that kind of responsibility on her, but we have no other choice. The boys will be relocated back to the UK to be with her but that;s unavoidable. She would willingly take them, bless her. 

Kind of a harrowing thought

@Guennie‌ I hope you get this one resolved, it's difficult enough without all that added conflict. How about you write a list of the pro's and con's of each person. Kinda clinical I know but maybe that would help?

happyseeker

It's a super important decision, isn't it? Three cheers to you for being pro-active and thinking this through now. There are so many factors to consider and you'e gotten some really good advice. Just continue discussing it with your dh, and keep in mind that things may change and you may not feel the same way today that you feel in a few years as life circumstances change. Keep seeking wise counsel, friend!

HappySeeker

GroverClover

Luckily my husband and I agreed on whom to name (in fact we have a list of first choice, second choice, third). We wanted to make sure our son was taken care of and we wanted others to be aware of our preferred guardians.  We also wanted to make sure he didn't go to certain people. I've second guessed our choices several times.  Grandparents are a logical choice, but honestly they are 60+ and may not be able to take care of active children or teens.  My mom has reminded me several times that hopefully my husband and/or I will raise our son. There are a lot of factors to consider.  In a few years, we will probably change our list.  Good luck.

QOTR

DH and I have talked about this a bit.  My siblings are 6 & 8 years older than me, so not logical choices.  Also, they live hours away and may not have a close bond with our LO.   My husband is an only child and not close to his cousins.  So, we're thinking we'll choose our good friends or possibly my oldest niece & her husband.  We haven't talked to either yet though.  My niece is struggling with infertility and it seems like an insensitive topic to bring up at the moment. 

One thing my husband and I did discuss is that even after making a designation that we should plan to revisit the topic every 2 years or so to make sure it is still appropriate.  And we would be sure to discuss that plan with the designated guardians up front to hopefully minimize any hurt feelings down the line if we decide to make a change.   It would also provide the guardians an opportunity to "opt out" if they encounter major life changes that impact their ability to serve in that capacity going forward.   

I have a set of mutual friends that were really close when couple A had their daughter.  She's now 12 and I don't think the couples have talked in years.   I know that Couple B would still provide a great home for the child if necessary, but they don't have the bond that everyone assumed would always be there.

Good luck in your decision.  It is tough for sure.

kristennd

This is still our situation and LO is 3. We discussed it during the pregnancy, couldn't agree, and basically dropped the topic 'temporarily.'

For assorted reasons, the only real choices are each of our parents, who are all 60+, and we each think our own is the better choice. And both pairs want him. It would get ugly between them if we died without wills.

Tapsalteerie

We've had the talk with my brother and SIL and have designated them guardians. They are both younger than us by a couple of years, live 5 minutes away, are financially stable, and have higher educations and would encourage our kids to go to college. The only thing I'm having difficulty getting DH to do is get it set in writing with a will.

Are there any other close friends you would be comfortable approaching?

Ilumine

Godparents and Guardians are different jobs.  Both are important and need the right person(s) for your child.  

The purpose of a GodParent is to help you raise your child in your denomination's manner or if you are not religious, in a moral manner. Choosing someone who is not a righteous person (i.e. in YOUR eyes, requirements) defeats the purpose. 

A guardian takes that raising of the child's moral compass and expands on it.  This is the person/people who will take care of your child's health and well being.  This is the person who will ensure that your child eats good food, lives in a clean house, gets enough sleep, does her homework on time, wears appropriate clothes, goes to the doctors, fights for the child's rights, etc. 

DH and I went round and round over our first choice but we have totally separate choices for our backups.  I will ensure that I outlive him by a minute if necessary.  

Designermomma

This is defiantly on our to do list. We agree on my parents but if they are unable, then we disagree. Me and my husband are different religions and his family lives in Europe. His brother just got married and I don't like the wife. My sister smokes and has depression. We don't have any really close friends. We were thinking of having stipulations like my sister cannot smoke if she keeps our kids or DH brother and my sis having joint custody. Definitely have life insurance. My work provides it and offers cheap for dependants.