Children's sexual play **Trigger warning for those with abuse history**

bellaleanne

Hi,
I've been around for a while but rarely post. I think the women on this board are really helpful and intelligent, and I would really appreciate your insight into my son's behavior.
My son is 4, and in preschool. I am a single mom, so I am with my child pretty much constantly and he is generally well supervised. Over the past few weeks he has been engaging is sexual behaviors with his friend, who is a 3 year old girl. These children have grown up together and have spent time living together, and are very comfortable with each other which is why I suspect they chose to engage in these acts together.
First they admitted to looking at and touching each other's genitals. Based on their reaction it seemed that this fell into the range of normal and age appropriate behavior. I talked to both of the children about inappropriate touching and explained that private parts need to be kept private. The girl's mom also talked to both children, and we all sat down together to talk about it and make sure everyone was on the same page. We explained that it is normal to be curious and that we were not angry. We didn't punish them but explained that we expect the behavior to stop and warned that because we have expressed our expectations that there would be consequences if the behavior continued.
The children have been playing well together and we believed the problem had been addressed. Everyone seemed to be getting comfortable again.
Last night my son was playing in the girl's room, and they were not together alone for very long. The girl told me and her mother that my son said that they should have a "vagina party" (I believe this terminology originates from a video game he plays where different types of parties occur). Then she said that he touched and "kissed" her vagina. When asked to demonstrate what he did, it was clearly more adult-like licking and face rubbing than innocent child kissing. This was alarming to everyone involved, and my son is clearly very embarrassed and doesn't want to talk about it. I did take away some of his privileges as punishment and have attempted to have conversations with him a few times since the event occurred. All the research I've been doing in the meantime suggests that this is not a typical behavior, and I am concerned that he has witnessed something inappropriate or had sexual things done to him before. He says he has never seen or heard about this behavior and says he doesn't know what caused him to do it.
I am going to email his doctor and continue talking with him.
I am extremely emotional about it but am keeping conversations very calm and hopefully stress free.
Has anyone ever dealt with anything like this? I need advice so I handle this appropriately. Any comments are appreciated.

**Warning added by mod upon request below

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bellaleanne

Thank you everyone for your responses. I will call the doctor immediately. Obviously they will not be left alone together. I only came here because talking to friends or family members is too emotional and I don't want him to feel like everyone he knows has heard about it and is judging him.
The only reason I hesitated was because I distinctly remember engaging in this sort of activity when I was a kid, and I know for a fact that I was not exposed to it. But I was definitely older than 4. His age and the type of behavior just don't make any sense.

ToastieSimons

I would also possibly suggest that the other mom take her daughter to the pedi to..  I'm not trying to place blame, but is it possible she is the instigator?  I would just hate for her daughter to have been exposed to it and everyone is thinking your son is the leader meanwhile she isn't getting the help she needs. 

I hope your pedi takes it seriously and you can get some help.  I can't imagine how upset you must be and I totally understand not wanting to tell families.  Please call your pedi, or just show up and explain the situation.

bellaleanne

Based on what we've learned about the situation so far, it does look like my son was the instigator. In the previous, much more innocent incidents it appeared that both children were engaging in it together, but this situation looks to be different.
The girl has been spoken to and praised for telling us what happened. Her sisters have also been talked to in attempt to discover the source of the problem. My son is more interested and much more...not knowledgeable, really, but more experimental than seems to be normal. The whole thing just makes me want to be alone and cry it out before even attempting to talk about it. Unfortunately there were other parents and children present when we were informed about what happened, and now more outside parties have questions and concerns and it's just a lot to deal with. My hope is that the doctor will recommend therapy and that we can uncover the reason that this happened.

FalconCrest

I just want to give hugs to you, this has to be so hard to go through.  Please see your pedi ASAP so you can get to the bottom of what is going on.

Spin313

This might be another thread to which a mod might want to add a trigger warning.

Lolapop29

I have no advice, but you've been given some great advice here already. I can't imagine how you are feeling right now.  I'm glad you are taking this seriously, and I want to give you a hug  

LadyXaverian

Just offering some more moral support. You're doing the right things. Hang in there.

ShakeyJakey

I think you got great advice here and I hope you can get some answers and help for him. Hugs mama. I know it must be hard but you're doing the best thing for him.

Spin313

Wordsmith26 said:

Spin313 said:

This might be another thread to which a mod might want to add a trigger warning.

I added one.  Is there another thread that needs one as well, @Spin313?
-------
No, it just made me think of the thread from last week with the brother/sister CPS call. That one already had a warning added.

bellaleanne

I called the pedi and they're going to schedule an appointment.
His father has never been involved in his life, but we do live with his grandma and his uncles. The little girl's father has always lived with her.
My only thought is that he could have accidentally clicked on an inappropriate video on netflix or youtube (he watches videos of people playing minecraft, and I have occasionally had to turn a video off because of inappropriate language). I don't have porn available at all.
To make matters more upsetting, my mother decided to lecture me about proper supervision in front of my son. I laughed at her because all of her kids engaged in sexual behaviors and most of the time she never found out about it. But she did remind me that my cousins and little brother did similar stuff at the same age, which really makes me wonder why no one was concerned. Even if the pedi determines that my son shows no signs of abuse I really could use the support in conveying to my child that his behavior is serious and unnacceptable.

bellaleanne

fredalina said:

I guess I'm the only one who could conceive of my kid making something like that up spontaneously. She is very sensory and likes to sniff and lick everything. I am afraid in saying this that it sounds like I am indicating that this isn't serious, or that it isn't an indication of possible abuse, or that she has done anything like that before. None of that is the case. It IS serious, it certainly MIGHT be abuse (in fact chances are he got it somewhere other than his brain), and she has not done anything like this. However it is within the realm of possibility she could create the oral stuff herself if she were in a doctor situation long enough.

I thought about this too. It's entirely possible that he just did it because he has an obsession with putting his mouth on absolutely everything. I would prefer to come to the conclusion that it was really simple curiosity, but I have to have professional help either way. If my interventions have not convinced him to stop behaving this way, outside intervention is necessary.
He is seeing a doctor in the morning and I'm trying to get myself out of crisis mode and make the rest of the day as easy and normal as possible. It doesn't have to be terrible and scary, we can take it one step at a time.

bellaleanne

I came back to thank you all for your advice and support. I will make sure to update you once he has seen a doctor. The nurse that I talked to said that it's unusual but does not necessarily point to abuse, and that at the moment no reports need to be made to CPS. She did say some interesting stuff about discouraging self-touching, which I have always considered to be normal and have always told my son to do in private. I have a feeling this will continue to be difficult to deal with because child sexual behavior is not uniform and can be confusing even for professionals. But I will continue to work with professionals to ensure my son's safety, and especially the safety of the children that he interacts with. Thank you.

WatchmansMoon

This has got to be tough for you - so sorry you're facing this!  I was puzzled by one of your statements:  "The girl told me and her mother that my son said that they should have a "vagina party" (I believe this terminology originates from a video game he plays where different types of parties occur)."  What on earth kind of video game is that?  Are there other elements to the game that he shouldn't be seeing?  Also, is there a way that he's seeing channels on your cable TV that he shouldn't be, or accessing sites (unintentionally) on your computers?  A child counselor may be able to discover the origins easier than you as his parent.  I pray you can get this worked out and the kids both get to talk through what's happened so it doesn't affect them further.  HUGS to you!

~ Seek the Light ~

bellaleanne

We went to the doctor this morning. I talked to the doctor about what was going on, and she confirmed that touching and looking is normal for his age, and that she understands why I would be concerned about oral contact. She said based on an examination that it would be difficult to tell if abuse has ever occurred but that it sounds to her like he has either unintentionally been exposed to sexual material or that he was just exploring in a way that is not typical. She did say this can be normal for some children, especially those who have an oral fixation.

She told me that stuff like this is only concerning if it becomes a pattern, and that most children stop with intervention. She talked to my son about it and asked a lot of the questions I have asked. He still maintains that he doesn't know where the idea came from, and that no one has ever done that (or anything else) to him. He says that he understands why it was wrong and won't do it again. So for now it's just a matter of constant monitoring and having an ongoing conversation. The doctor says if it happens again she would refer him to a behavioral therapist.

I'm glad that I took him to see a doctor. I think it helped him realize how serious it is. What was interesting was that while the doctor was talking to me my son was grabbing at me and trying to lick me...which is totally ridiculous, but he does it constantly with me, his grandma, my friend, his aunt....the list goes on. When he was trying to do it I realized that what he was doing might be a significant piece of the puzzle. I had gotten so used to him doing it that it no longer registered in my brain as significant, just something that he does that is extremely annoying and difficult to stop because he thinks its funny. The doctor told me that as strange as his behavior is, I should be comforted by the fact that he does it because it makes it more likely that his actions with the little girl were innocent.

If any future updates are needed (I really hope they're not) I will let all of you know. Thank you again for all of your advice and support. It was really helpful and encouraging. I hope for my son's sake that this is the end of this story.

Cricket81

mssm2012 said:

I'm glad to hear your update.

Have you considered behavior therapy for his oral fixation/licking?

It sounds like you've handled everything really well and I hope things continue to get easier.

As a first grade teacher, I would really recommend trying to get the licking to stop before he gets to elementary school. While it's just sort of silly and funny in a pre-schooler, it's the kind of behavior that might get him in trouble in school. I'd hate for something innocent to start causing him problems.