What's wrong with staying quiet?

fworl949

So I'm 29 weeks and just got a text from an old friend I haven't talked to in many months, but am still on very good terms with and we get along like we always have.  I'm curious if there's something "wrong" with me, because I've had this scenario in various forms several times over the past few months...someone I don't talk to regularly, but still consider a friend, will ask what's new or something.  I always respond naturally with what I'm doing at work and whatever is new given the connection that friend and I share.  I just don't tell friends I'm pregnant.  My best friend knows, and I've told another old friend, but she basically flat out asked if I was having a baby.  Some of the people I consider to be good friends have no idea (we're all physically spread across the country after college).

It's not that I'm not excited, because with my boyfriend, best friend, and family I am pretty excited, and definitely happy about it overall.  I just don't like telling people.  I feel the conversation and the relationship is forever changed when I say "I'm pregnant."  It's just so much easier with people I don't see regularly to not mention the baby.  I haven't posted and have no plans on posting anything on social media (not that I ever did much non-baby posting either).  It's not like I'm in a bad situation...we'll be 33 and 26 when our son arrives and we both have great, stable jobs and are as prepared as new parents can be for the baby.  I just don't know why I find it so hard to offer up the fact that we're expecting.

Thoughts?....

DecemberGirl1216

I don't think that is unusual. Some people are just more reserved about what they want to share and with what audience. I never "announced", never did a gender/sex reveal, etc. it just wasn't my scene. You enjoy and celebrate your baby however you are comfortable and makes you happy. Congrats!

fworl949

Thanks DecemberGirl!  I'm glad I'm not the only one...my colleagues know and keep telling me it's bizarre and something must be wrong if I'm not excited to go around talking about it to everyone I cross paths with...it just seems as personal as going to the doctor for any other reason to me at this point.

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fworl949

Yeah it's a private thing for me, and I'm not one to divulge much to many people anyway.  I certainly don't lie about it and say I'm not having a baby or anything; I just don't answer the question of "what's new" with "I'm pregnant", I respond more with what's going on at work or in the world or whatever I would ordinarily talk about with that person.  When the other friend I told asked (via text) if we'd decided on having kids or not I told her we were expecting at the end of August and moved on to the next topic, no biggie.

DecemberGirl1216

Edit/I suck at the internet
The relationships are changing regardless of how they find out she is pregnant. People will understand or they won't. I would think if this is a longstanding personality trait or they knew her and how private she is they won't find this all that shocking. Some people will be pissed off/put out no matter what.

You have to be the one to decide if you are willing to deal with them being pissed or holding a grudge because they weren't told. If you announce too big or draw too much attention to yourself people will judge, and likely the same if you say nothing at all.

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cookiedough22

Are you embarrassed by it? I can't think of any reason why you wouldn't tell a FRIEND that you are expecting. Is being pregnant not "new" to you?

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orangecrush32

I get it..kind of. I didn't go around telling people I was pregnant. I had just gotten a new job and was keeping it on the dl until I had to tell them. I didn't post anything on social media until after I told my job which was after 28weeks.

However, I didn't keep it from people. All my friends/family knew I was pregnant and it's not like I told them not to tell anyone. I just didn't shout it from the rooftop or anything, but I'm not really the kind of person who would do that anyway.

It's weird to me that you aren't telling people who you consider friends. If I found out that a friend of mine had specifically not told me she was pregnant I imagine we wouldn't be friends for much longer.

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cookiedough22

^^^^^ Yep you're reading it differently. Making an announcement is not the same as answering a question about what's new in your life. To me an announcement is unsolicited.

And 15/16 weeks may have been the time she (friends wife) was just starting to share the news, but at 29 weeks a baby bump may be more noticeable.

YogaSandy

I wouldn't say it's weird. I didn't make announcements (I know that this isn't what we're talking about) and I'm not on Facebook. We didn't tell people (except immediate family) until 12 weeks. I was worried about telling people in case something happened.

However, once my dad got mad at me for hurting my mom's feelings because I kind of always brushed her off about it and stuff. However, she knows now that it was because I thought the pregnancy, appointments, and birth were something that was just between DH and I. I didn't want to involve other people or really share with them because I felt it was a private thing between the two of us. That's fine. It's what worked for us.

I also didn't want people to just see me as the pregnant person. I feel all of a sudden people treat you different and it's all they seem to care about. I was still me and it seemed like that was lost. So I get it. I did tell people, but I didn't want to "disappear".

Ladymouse

Imagine not telling these people that you are engaged, and the date is set for 2.5 months away.  People who want to be happy with you, or support you if something goes wrong, feel like they've done something wrong/like you are shutting them out.  

I'm mostly a private person, so I understand to a degree.  Once a pregnancy is showing, though, it seems weird.  I'd rather tell and not have people thinking "wow, she really let herself go.  Or is she trying to HIDE a pregnancy?"

CallMeShoes

If you were in your first or early second trimester, I wouldn't think it was weird at all.

But you're 29 weeks pregnant.  As in, if you, God forbid, went into early labor tomorrow, you'd likely be coming home with a new baby.  As in, sometime within the next 10-12 weeks, the news will be EVERYWHERE that you just had a baby.  So yeah, if people will know soon, and the baby likely survive in the outside world if he/she was delivered tomorrow, then I'm not sure what the point is in keeping the secret.  It just seems strange to me.

pibsquared

I can see it both ways I definitely have friendships like JandACoffee, but I have a lot of guy friends. It is just not on their radar. But if I was pregnant and past the 14 weeks and asked what's new I would say something. But I can also have a similar thing like JandACoffee where someone brings up "we are having a kid", and I would laugh and be like "I forgot to let you know so are we..."

Actually I have an experience with a coworker who I go have coffee with every other day, talk to every other day to and we even carpooled to a conference (4hours away) together, and he never told me that they were expecting a kid. I didn't find out he was having a kid until my boss came in and said 'so and so just had a kid' (which was three months after the conference). I was like WTF? I always ask about the family when we have coffee. I was a little offended, I think partly because we spent 4 hours talking on the way back from the conference about childcare. LOL but then again I work with men so you just shrug it off, and if it was some other people in my office I wouldn't be surprised if they didn't tell me.

I wouldn't sweat over not telling her. I really don't know what your friend is like but she might not care if you said something or not. Me personally I would be offended but with some of my friends I wouldn't be surprised either if they didn't tell me (those once a year phone call/seeing friends). You get so caught up in work/life it is hard to keep track if you told certain people or not.

I probably will post it on facebook (just one announcement not big on posting everything about myself) and if I call someone and they ask what is new I tell them, but I probably won't go beyond that.

loisloan1118

I didn't read every response, so forgive me if this was already covered...

How and when do you plan to tell your friends?  If it were me, I'd be hurt if a good friend (even if it's long distance) didn't tell me she was expecting.  Especially if we spoke or text'd during the last months of the pregnancy. 

My advice is to tell your friends this week. 

Good luck

pibsquared

I agree with Ali_P7.

LimaD

Yep, it's weird.

I'd be really annoyed and think you didn't really consider me a friend to not tell me something that important and exciting

pibsquared

I will say this and weddingdiva921 made me think about it. Some people feel if they say something it might curse their good fortune. I know that is weird but superstition is crazy like that. My husband and I were about to close on a house when he lost his job two weeks before the closing date. So in a way I am not that surprised about your neighbor not saying anything but usually people who are like that say "We are buying a house as long as the inspection goes well and everything else." "I am expecting in two months as long as everything goes well we will have a bouncing baby boy." or something along those lines. If they don't say the last sentence then they think they jinxed it.