PGAL Check-in

Noethola · June 2014

This is a post and run this morning, but I look forward to checking back in on everyone.

Hope this finds you all well and positive this week! If you have any questions you would like answered, please don't be shy! You can also ask the PAL ladies. Grow little ones, grow!

How far along are you?

Do you have any upcoming appointments or milestones?

Any pregnancy symptoms or pregnancy cravings or aversions?

QOTW: If you have already told friends and family about your rainbow pregnancy, has everyone been supportive? Did anyone tell you it was "too soon" or "about time" or other negative comments? If you have not yet told people, do your forsee anything like this? (I hope you all receive nothing but support!)

Open Topic. What is on your mind this week?

jess123456 · June 2014

How far along? 18 weeks tomorrow.

Upcoming appointments? We have our anatomy scan on June 17. Looking forward to seeing him again.

Symptoms/cravings? Can't stop eating and I'm obsessed with meat and spicy foods.

QOTW: We still haven't told anyone but plan to after our anatomy scan. I have had to break the news of loss five times already that telling people is really hard for me. It's like I feel the need to prove to them that maybe just maybe we will get to bring our son home this time. I also feel like I need to set some ground rules with them like no showers and no posting on Facebook etc. My husband really didn't want to announce to family until a month before my due date but that's just not realistic obviously. We are going to a wedding today so I expect that some people will ask. I know that friends and family will be thrilled and know what we have been through to get to this point but telling people makes me feel so vulnerable. If anyone here can relate to that I would greatly appreciate any advice you have. I told my therapist that I hadn't told yet and she was surprised that I haven't even told my mom who I am so close to. I also know how hard it is to see pregnant people even now so the last thing I would ever want to do is to hurt someone without knowing it so I feel like I try to cover my small bump. PGAL is so complicated but I feel so blessed to finally be here.

Open topic: I've been feeling some guilt lately for my daughter and my four other angel babies who never got a chance of a full life and the bond that I am starting to feel with my son. I want so badly for my son to outlive me that I can cry thinking of it but I feel guilty that my angels never got that chance. Obviously I know that there are absolutely no guarantees with bringing my son home either. I also feel guilty that I haven't been mentally able to visit my daughter at the cemetery since I got pregnant this time. I think about her every single day but I can't bring myself to go to the cemetery right now and that's hard. I wish I could just be naive and joyous like most pregnant women are. I feel so blessed but so guilty at the same time. Not sure if any of this makes sense but it feels so good to get it out.

Noethola · June 2014

@jess123456 I can absolutely relate to not telling people for a bit. I never made a FB announcement or anything like that. It was just so hard to talk about the baby, the pregnancy, etc. It is hard to be grieving and be hopeful. I loved being pregnant with my son, but thought constantly of my daughter and how much I wished she was with me. Even talking to DH about the baby, I would wind up crying most of the time. I wanted to enjoy every minute with him in utero (knowing it might not last forever) but I was so terrified at the same time.

Remember, your son does not replace your daughter or your other babies. Your relationship with each is unique. It doesnt mean you love one more because they live or you love one more because they passed, You can enjoy each relationship for what it is, without guilt, because each of your children is a unique human being. You will be able to visit your daughter again someday. Not visiting does not equal not remembering.

((Hugs)) in your journey.

jess123456 · June 2014

@neothola Thank you so much for sharing your experience with me. You are absolutely right. I have to keep reminding myself of these things. I guess I didn't expect it to be this complicated but it is such a mix of emotions for sure. Hugs to you as well.

jonahsma · June 2014

How far along are you? 25 weeks

Do you have any upcoming appointments or milestones? appt on 6/16

Any pregnancy symptoms or pregnancy cravings or aversions? My whole body is starting to ache, I've had some bh contractions that gave me a scare. the next 14 weeks are going to drive me nuts.

QOTW: If you have already told friends and family about your rainbow pregnancy, has everyone been supportive? Dh's side of the family doesn't know yet, we are planning on telling them soon. My family is small and they have been supportive of us but they are afraid for us. Did anyone tell you it was "too soon" or "about time" or other negative comments? WHen I first found out and I told my sister she said " I wish you would of waited a little longer" she explained that she didn't want me to go through what I went through again, and that my body and heart have to heal.

If you have not yet told people, do your forsee anything like this? (I hope you all receive nothing but support!) I'm sure a couple of people will have their comments, but this is my life and

what I do with it is none of their business and if it comes down to it I will remind them of that.

jess123456 · June 2014

@mrsgerman Thanks so much for sharing your experience with me and for validating that announcing can be really scary and that I'm not alone in feeling that way. I hope overtime that I can get more comfortable with the idea of people knowing too.

mmsweeney1 · June 2014

@jess123456 We really didn't want to announce either. I eventually told my coworkers around 20 weeks because it's harder to hide, but my husband hasn't told any coworkers or friends yet. It's so hard when you don't feel confident of the outcome.

@MrsGerman It's so sad what you said about announcing a new pregnancy making people forget your first baby. When people got excited for me I felt that way too.

How far along are you? 29 weeks

Do you have any upcoming appointments or milestones? Well I am on summer vacation from teaching now and I'm starting to feel panicky because last summer is when everything started to go downhill and we lost our boy.

Any pregnancy symptoms or pregnancy cravings or aversions? still feeling pretty good!

QOTW: If you have already told friends and family about your rainbow pregnancy, has everyone been supportive? Did anyone tell you it was "too soon" or "about time" or other negative comments? If you have not yet told people, do your forsee anything like this? (I hope you all receive nothing but support!)

People have been great, but they all say "It will be perfect this time" or "Nothing like that will happen again." Of course that's what you want people to say, but they just have NO IDEA how life-threatening that whole situation was to my health. Feels like they just brush off this huge traumatic event in out lives.

Open Topic. What is on your mind this week? Just slowly counting the days as we inch closer to August...

VyD81 · June 2014

Hi ladies, thought I finally check in with you all.

How far along are you? 11 weeks and 4 days.

Do you have any upcoming appointments or milestones? My first OB appointment was yesterday after the RE released me last week. Got my blood drawn for the Panorama test. FX that everything will be ok.

Any pregnancy symptoms or pregnancy cravings or aversions? Heart burn.

QOTW: If you have already told friends and family about your rainbow pregnancy, has everyone been supportive? Did anyone tell you it was "too soon" or "about time" or other negative comments? If you have not yet told people, do your forsee anything like this? (I hope you all receive nothing but support!)

I haven't told anyone yet, and don't want to. We live 2000 miles away from family and close friends so I'm hiding from them for now. I'm meeting my sister's family and parents in FL in mid July, and probably will have to tell them at that time. I don't know when I will feel comfortable telling people, my PgAL brain is in high gear. I'm sure my family is supportive, just don't want them to worry about me and constantly tell me what I should and should not do which will stress me out. We are not planning to tell my MIL until 3rd trimester because she is a drama queen and last comment she made to us when she was visiting in May was "you guys should think about adoption, my friend had a hard time getting pregnant and after she adopted, she got pregnant", WTF.

Open Topic. What is on your mind this week?

Just waiting on the result for the genetic testing, and trying to think positive and stay positive. I got my painting of Raynor's ultrasound this week and I can't decide where I want to hang it.

princezjk · June 2014

Thank you for posting, @Noethola! I have been terrible with keeping up, especially as I passed both Izzie's angelversary and my loss milestone with her.

@jess123456 - So many (((((HUGS))))). I can definitely relate to your feelings of guilt and fear. We told some family and few friends before the anatomy scan, but didn't "go public" until 24 weeks. For me, I finally decided that I needed to share my little guy with everyone because he deserved that. I shared his sister's life publicly at 14 weeks and I think about how glad I am I did because she got to touch so many lives in her short little life. And as you said, nothing is guaranteed and I didn't want to steal that chance from my son. Of course, sharing our LOs is a very personal decision and you need to feel comfortable and safe with how and when you do it. I also wanted to share this article from Still Standing. It really put into words a lot of what I am feeling: https://stillstandingmag.com/2014/03/baby-clothes-reckless-hope/

@jonahsma - I am sorry about the BH and hope they have stayed away and will continue to do so for the next 14 weeks!

@aragosta - Congratulations on feeling kicks! So glad it hasn't been a trigger for you. I, too, thought it would be for me and it hasn't been.

@mmsweeney1 - (((BIG HUGS))) as you approach your loss anniversary and milestone.

@VyD81 - Sending you lots of good vibes and best wishes for great results on your Panorama test!

jess123456 · June 2014

@princezjk‌ Thanks so much. I really enjoyed reading the article as well. You are absolutely right. My son does deserve to be shared especially with my family who has been so supportive of our journey. It does feel like I am planning for his death when I hold back from sharing him and what I especially realize now is that I really need to cherish every moment with him. Tuesday will be our announcing day (after my anatomy scan). It makes me so nervous to be that vulnerable but I think that having them know will give me additional mental support too and will give them the opportunity to "know him" because he is such a miracle and deserves to be known.