Son with Autism, want baby #2

Katherine1981

Hi there,
I am new to this site My husband and I have a 4 year old boy with Autism and have decided to try for a second. We are really scared but want to expand our family. I have just begun taking my prenatal vitamins and we will try in the fall. Any other parents out there who have a child with Autism and have other children as well?
Katherine

kcisthebombdotcom

Welcome! My situation is a little different as my older child is nt and my youngest has autism. I do have two children through and we haven't completely decided against another child quite yet as well.

bliss611

Hi,
Welcome to the board. Fairly new myself. My son was diagnosed with ASD a few months ago. We've been trying for #2 for a while now. Our situation is slightly more complicated by our infertility issues. DS is the result of IUI and we've been TTC for 18 months now. I'm recently read that fertility meds can increase chance of ASD so we are on the fence about proceeding with that. But, we are still TTC.

HTHs!

Micelle78

While my son is not formally dx yet, he has a lot of traits of ASD: speech delay, low tone, limited diet, hyperlexia, sensory issues, and vision issues.

I was right at the beginning of our journey of getting him checked out-- hearing tests, speech tests etc. right when i became pregnant with #2.  They are 2 yrs 9 months apart.  We had a feeling what we were seeing was going to not just "go away" but we also knew that we wanted to be a family of four. 

Problem is, you never know what problems your child may or may not have.  Something totally unrelated can pop up. KWIM?  We have no history on either side of the family for any learning disabilities or ASD.  It came at us from left field.  However there is a significant history of bipolar on my DH's side as well as MS.  Bipolar from what I have read, can increase a chance of ASD.  I am assuming here ***insert Dr Google*** that it is probably linked because it is a difference of how the brain was formed.  Bipolar people have synapses that do not regulate the mood hormones efficiently.  That is something you can not cure-- you only manage.  My DH has bipolar and it is like a double whammy for me because he is not always able to manage himself and then we have the added stress of a child of special needs as well. 

However, if you take this into consideration, are you up to a second that could have the same issues or different ones, are you willing to take that risk?  I was.  I was fully prepared to deal with possible bipolar--not ideal but I was ready.  It does not usually surface until the tween-late teen years.  So we unfortunately may be dealing with this with one or both children.  Luckily my DD is 14 months and so far has been ahead or on time with all of her milestones.  I knew that might not be the case and I still felt in my heart, I would not feel my family was complete until there were four of us. 

Hope that helps.  I know its not a cut and dry decision. I know my decision would probably not be everyone's.

ProcessofBecoming

Lurking in to say, I have a son on the spectrum and am 18 weeks pregnant with my second child, who is also a boy. This was a bit of a surprise pregnancy, and when we found out that we were having another boy, I fell into despair. I also lurk on the Children with Autism Spectrum disorder on Babycenter (a great board, by the way) and there have been many posts about this issue. There are members who have multiple children on the spectrum, but just as many, if not more members who have one child with ASD, and the rest of their children are NT. With having another boy, I have read that my chances of him being on the spectrum are 20%. Which is scary. Until I consider that there is an 80% chance that he will be NT. 80% are not bad odds. My son is very, very mildly affected (per the two developmental pediatricians that follow him), and we feel very lucky and blessed that he is progressing as well as he is. At the end of the day, I think a sibling would be the best thing for him, especially a brother who could be a friend and hopefully a good model of "typical" behavior as they grow up. So here I am, 42 and pregnant, and hoping for the best outcome possible.

I or anyone on this board can spout percentiles and whatnot, and at the end of the day, it probably doesn't make a lick of difference. Because, essentially, like everything else in life, it's the role of the dice. A crapshoot. A box of chocolates where you never know what you're going to get. If there's a strong familial or genetic component (we don't have that), then yes, that's definitely something to consider, and talk to your doctor about. But regardless, there are no guarantees that your kid will be NT, ASD, or have some other issue which you never saw coming. Like I said above, it's a crapshoot. And you have to be willing to play the odds (not for the weak of heart, that is for sure!).

I decided that I could live this pregnancy in fear or do my best to live a healthy life and do the best I can to have a happy, positive pregnancy. I remember reading a post from a woman on the babycenter board, who said that autism had already robbed her of a number of things, but would not rob her of the dream of having the family she wanted. I really liked her outlook, and for some reason, her words stuck with me. 

I wish you luck and peace in whatever decision you make!!!

Junebug060609

@processofbecoming We took a similar outlook. 

I have a 6 week old daughter and a DS that was dx with ASD in January.  A year ago at the end of this month, we had the A-bomb dropped on us regarding DS.  He wasn't dx'd then, but a developmental psychologist said she highly suspected it.  We were in the midst of TTC at the time and were successful a few months later.  We did discuss the prospect of having another kid with special needs before we conceived, but ultimately decided that we would do our best with whatever hand we were dealt...just like we already were with DS.  I'm not going to lie, the prospect of a second child on the spectrum is a concern of mine.  I'm finding myself hyper vigilant to note any signs she may have it too (none yet, in fact quite the opposite...she's doing things socially that he never did or did much later).  Ultimately though, she will be what she will be and we'll love her for whatever that is 

It is a gamble to try again.  It's up to you and your partner to decide if the risks are worth it for you.  Wishing you peace with your decision. 

typeset

Yo.

We consulted with a pediatric psychiatric geneticist before taking the plunge because the kid has an inherited genetic mutation in a region associated with autism, schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, and a couple other things. Baby has a 50% chance of sharing the mutation, which isn't a guarantee of a Dx, and was ballparked at a 10-15% chance of also having ASD. That doesn't factor the list of conditions auntie posted. 

He could also get hit by a car crossing the street and need care for life. 

So we wait and we watch. I'd be doing that anyway. I just have a better sense of what I'm looking for this time around. 

CCinLove

I'm living this as well.  I was 7 months pregnant when DS got his diagnosis.  Too late to worry about it.  DD is NT to our knowledge.  No real signs, but I still worry. DH was recently diagnosed as an adult.

We've been going back and forward about a 3rd for a LONG time.  We had decided yes, but just this month, I'm feeling more no.  Putting aside all of the reasons we do or don't want a 3rd child outside of autism, I worry about how it would effect DD either way.  On one hand, if DS needs assistance as an adult, I would like for him to have more than 1 sibling to help him since H and I both come from very small families, and they are on track to only have 1 cousin.  But on the other hand, how would DD be affected if she had to look out for 2 siblings on the spectrum?  DH's diagnosis may be the tipping point.  I'm trying to work out what I will regret more: not having a 3rd child due to fear, or rolling the dice and ending up with 2 kids on the spectrum.  Jury is still out...

malcivar

Two boys.  Chris (DS1) is 4, has autism and ADHD.  Lucas (DS2) is 2 and we don't know yet.  He seems typical so far - has a couple of 'scary' traits so we'll have him evaluated but they're great.  It's not easy.  I won't pretend.  It's hard and we're at the beginning - no idea what the future will be but in hindsight, I know we made the right decision.

greyt00

DS1 is moderately on spectrum and DS2 so far is doing great *knock wood.*  I admit, painfully, that if I knew DS1 was on the spectrum before I got pregnant again, I would not have TTC again.  I'm just the type that worries so much, gets so scared, etc.  To me I would have felt like I could not handle 2.  That's just me.  If I have 2 with major issues, whether it's spectrum or anything else, I don't know how I will deal.  It terrifies me.  I'm sure I will figure it out, but I'd really rather not be in that position... I wish for it daily. 

Katherine1981

Thank you all so much for all your feedback. I really appreciate it Unfortunately at this time my husband and I have decided to not try for baby number 2 and just focus on our little boy. He has a lot of daily struggles and needs a lot of therapy. I feel sad but really feel I can't handle anymore at the moment. Maybe one day we will reconsider

ProcessofBecoming

I can certainly understand your position, and understand why you've made the choice that you have. A lot of it comes down to what you know you can, and cannot handle. I'm so glad you are at peace with your choice, and who knows what the future could bring, right?

I had a miscarriage (of a pregnancy we very much tried for) before my son was diagnosed at 19 months and was devastated. Then we got his diagnosis, and I have been veering through the entire range of emotions ever since. I made peace with being "one and done" and thought that if I never got pregnant again, we would just focus our energy on creating the best little person that we could. Two days later I'd be stressing around having another baby (I really want DS to have a sibling, as I essentially grew up as an only kid and found it lonely and polarizing--especially after my parents died when I was still pretty young). 

I guess you could say we were not trying/not preventing when this pregnancy happened, but since our sex life was so sporadic (I conceived this baby the ONE time we had sex the entire month) and I was 42, I somehow thought I wouldn't get pregnant again without some sort of divine or medical intervention. Apparently, nobody mentioned the grim and miserable statistics of natural conception and pregnancy over 40 to my uterus either, because that thing is chugging along like its 20. 

I have to believe that this baby has been put into my life for a reason and, for my own sanity and emotional state, am choosing to glaze over the negative stories and statistics because at this point, they mean nothing in my life or to my uterus (or anyone else's, really). I have to embrace the crapshoot. Whatever will be, will be, and I won't know for at least another 1.5 years if ASD is going to be something to begin worrying about regardless. So, in the meantime, I gestate and try to avoid Google, and read books about "positive thinking and affirmations"--ha ha!

Again, I'm glad you've made a decision that works for you and your husband at this time And to the rest of the pregnant moms or the new "watch and wait" moms, I keep you all in my thoughts. Let's hope for the best possible outcomes for all of us!

 

malcivar

Katherine1981 said:

Thank you all so much for all your feedback. I really appreciate it Unfortunately at this time my husband and I have decided to not try for baby number 2 and just focus on our little boy. He has a lot of daily struggles and needs a lot of therapy. I feel sad but really feel I can't handle anymore at the moment. Maybe one day we will reconsider

Completely understand and I should add that we didn't hear the scary A word until I was already in my 1st trimester with baby #2.  I don't know what would've happened, honestly, if we had still been deciding.  But you've made the choice that was right for your family right now.  Maybe someday it'll be easier.  Or maybe your little guy will be your only child - either way it'll be just right!

meghans30

My first son was dx on the spectrum at age 7 and my sons are 2.5 years apart, so I did not have the knowledge to worry about the odds of my second being on the spectrum. My youngest is NT and honestly it has been the best thing for Trevor.   Wishing you the best!