Being Intimate After Loss

Feegan

I have something weighing pretty heavy on my mind and I'm hoping maybe you ladies can help me by sharing your own experience on the matter: how long did it take you to feel ready to be intimate again after your loss? 

My RE instructed that "nothing goes in there" for two weeks after the D&C, which I absolutely agreed to and quite frankly, wouldn't have even considered going against because I was not ready on any level. But here I am, another two weeks since that time frame and still, zero desire. (Before the MMC was identified it had been almost two weeks since we had been intimate making it now a full 6 weeks.) Part of what is holding me back is that I'm scared it will hurt and that will trigger things for me and part of me is scared that I'm just going to cry no matter what and completely ruin the moment. I discussed these fears with DH and he admitted that he feared the same and has been incredibly kind, patient, and understanding, but I know he is craving affection. I have been trying to be affectionate in other ways but my heart is just not in to it. Last week I had finally convinced myself to give it a go and then AF showed up and I was SO relieved that it bought me a few more days to avoid it. I feel guilty for feeling so put off by it. Admittedly I do get turned on when we have made out, but then I get so sad afterwards. He joked that we should just get the awkward first time over with but I am just dreading how awkward it will be. Is it normal to feel this way? If it was awkward the first time for you, was it at least better the second or third go around? Am I just completely over-thinking things?

Lesliem0901

Personally, for me, I felt the same way. I think I waited it out around 6 weeks. The first time was a quickie and I was glad for it. I didn't want any intimacy. The second and thirds times were better. Now AF is here and I'm secretly glad for it. Since I'm going to be actively TTC this cycle, I'm going to jump back on the horse as soon as I can. Hugs to you. It will get better.

tlc35

Yes, the first time for me was very weird and I felt kinda detached.  It was probably too soon emotionally.  My vagina felt like a "medical area" if that makes any sense.  After that I was out of town for work for 3 weeks and have been back since friday.  The second time was better but still not quite up to usual standard.  I am now feeling like things are getting back to normal.  So for me it was kinda a fake it till you make it deal.  Good luck with what you decide and know that you are not alone.

MrsKush1014

{{hugs}} sweetie, many of us have been there.  I bit the bullet about 3 weeks after my D&C because I knew I had that fear and just wanted to face my fear head on.  It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.  Take as much time as you need to heal emotionally and physically.  It sounds like YH is understanding, which helps.

Lesliem0901

@qanda2013 - Well, it seemed more appropriate than "bike" from a metaphorical standpoint. I was hoping someone would appreciate it.

Km380

You are having completely normal feelings. After our first loss I think we jumped right back in but the second was much harder. I think we were about 6 wks out from the d&c (and we didn't have sex while I was pregnant the second time bc I was scared) We actually did a weekend away, had some cocktails. I still cried. But it got better after that. But finding the intimacy of the act took time, at some point MH said he couldn't do it in our room bc it was too painful. So we made it fun and hit the guest room, that passed too and we're back in our room (tmi?) Like everything else in this crappy time, give yourself time to heal and feel ready. Remind yourselves you have your whole lives ahead, what's a few weeks (I know easy to say)
I'm glad you posted this, at the time I found myself worrying I wasn't being normal too

Feegan

@tlc35 that is exactly how I feel about my vagina too. It's like, how do you feel sexy after all the trauma that has happened down there? And yet, in order to conceive again intimacy is necessary. Sigh.

Thank you ladies very much for sharing your experiences on this, it's definitely reassuring to know that I'm not alone in feeling this way or having these fears. 

EveryStormX2

First, lots of hugs to you. After both of my losses, I felt exactly as you are feeling right now. In fact after our first, it took almost four months for our "first time" and it was pretty infrequent for a while after that. Having an understanding and supportive partner is so important. Give yourself all the time that you need, and take that step when you're ready- not a moment before. I've learned that there's no timeline on grief, and we are all different in how we react and cope. Be kind to yourself. So sorry for your loss (((hugs))) :x

rslh10

@RedheadRunning‌ I'm feeling this currently too! It had been 2 weeks before MC, and now 1.5 after MC... I was given the all clear for sex at my dr appointment yesterday, but I just feel like "eh". I'm sure it's just hormones, and sadness over the loss bumming me out. I have also been trying to do things for the hubs, which doesn't bother me and does make me want to have sex at that time, but that feeling is short lived.

You will know when you're ready, and I'm so happy your DH is understanding. That makes the healing process a smidge easier I think (((hugs)))

O2girl

I feel your pain. MH and I waited the 2 weeks post D&C and while physically it didn't hurt I was surprised by the emotions I felt. I cried the first several times we were intimate and I don't mean small tears.... I was full blown sobbing. My poor H didn't know what to do or think.

From what I have heard this is normal.... I just didn't expect it.

(((Hugs))) to you!

Frenchteachermama

I was the same way. We talked a lot about me being able to be affectionate with him but him not expecting anything more. To be honest what helped was a nice date night and lots of wine

MSU_Girl1202

I think it's totally normal. We waited a month after my D&C to be intimate again. I think it's different for everyone, but we hadn't planned to be romantic or anything that night, we were just being silly and messing around and it just happened. Using condoms definitely felt weird too. I think you should give yourself time and don't rush into anything you don't feel comfortable doing. Your husband will understand, he went through the loss too. ((Hugs))

footprint

Whatever you are feeling is the right thing for you, as PPs have said. I had two reasons for being intimate immediately after we were given the green light: 1. I build things up so much in my mind that I knew if I didn't get the first time over with I would be so afraid of ever being intimate again, that it could become a big problem for me and consequently for my H; and 2. every moment I was awake I was so, so sad and I just wanted to feel good again (just like the scene in Monster's Ball with Halle Berry), even if only for a little bit. That is me though. It was awkward and I cried after, but I was happy I did it.

Whatever and whenever you choose to resume (as allowed by your doctor) is right and normal.

dawnstar898

My doc never instructed me to wait after both of my D&Cs, though after my first one we did wait 1 cycle.  I remember the first time we had sex after the first time (waiting at least 2 weeks of course) I did cry a little.  My DH didn't even know and I never told him, it was dark and I was quiet about it, I just wanted it to be over.  I think I was definitely still in mourning.  After my second D&C it wasn't nearly as traumatic.  It was my DH's birthday weekend and we were really just having fun.  Your emotions are totally valid

jenn0021

You feelings are totally normal. It's hard to be intimate after going through such a traumatic experience. It is different for everyone and it is different for every loss, so just take it slow and do what you both feel comfortable with. Don't rush things if you don't want and know that it's okay to cry. For me at least, I cried from both the pain and the emotions. It gets better with time, you just have to keep chugging forward. Huge ((hugs)) to you.

ngolimento

As everyone said, your feelings are totally normal. My loss was a bit of a different situation, and I wasn't in a relationship for a year after. The entire time I didn't miss sex for a single second.

jbasore1123

I can't add anything that hasn't already been said, but I echo PPs in saying that what you're going through is completely normal. The flip slide is also completely normal (wanting to get right back "on the horse" and try again). After a loss, anything goes. I think it helps to remember that sex is a big part of intimacy, not just procreating. Even though that seems obvious, when you've been TTC for awhile it's easy for your mind to equate sex with baby. Focus on just showing your husband affection in whatever way feels comfortable right now. Eventually, when you're ready, you'll get there.

LisaG09

We waited six weeks like the doctor ordered and it had been at least two weeks for us before the loss because we knew something was going on and I didn't want to risk it. We had sex the night that we were cleared and I thought of the loss but I managed not to kill the mood. I waited until he fell asleep and then I cried a little. It's normal and you should allow yourself that. I still think of it from time to time but I do think it is a little easier now that we are ttc. I think more of making a baby instead of losing the baby. My BF never associated the act with the baby so he wasn't much help in this area. I just spent extra time making it special when before we were more spontaneous and whatever about it. Take your time and don't rush it. Only do what feels right.

AggieBeth06

I think you've been given good advice above, but I would share that it helped me to talk about it with DH. I told him that I was nervous it would hurt and he would have to go super slow. It forced me to be more vocal about what feels good and what doesn't. That kind of turns my DH on.

I would recommend wine/alcohol and lots of foreplay, too!

Wintersea

Whatever you want or don't want is normal. I had some of the same  thoughts. I will share that we waited about 3 weeks from the d&c. We had not had sex in 9 weeks total. After the loss I was very depressed and missed my husband physically. I was nervous and expressed this to him and we went slow. I did cry at the end silently, but he could tell anyways.  So we talked a little about it and our feelings. It made us feel more connected and after the initial awkard sex we returned to normal. The only thing I really still have an issue with is the condoms.

BackstreetPixie

What you are feeling is absolutely normal. It took me months to feel that urdge again. Hubby was understanding and very gentle when we did start again. Still even now 5 months after my m/c I don't feel the desire very often. I will say it was not physically painful the first time after my m/c but I did not have a d&c, i used cytotec. Emotinally, you will be ready when you are ready and only you know when that is. I know it is hard but try not to associate sex with having a baby. try to think of it the way you did before you ever tried for kids when it was all about enjoying each other. And there is no shame if you need a little help getting in the mood... Weather that means lingerie or toys or whatever. ::hugs:: I know it is hard to jump back into this... We are tta due to my UC so we have to jse condoms and that just really lowers my desire for it a lot. =-/

ashlee113085

I think it's completely normal to feel this way. My DH and I waited 2 weeks after the d&e,and it was hard, but like PPs stated, I made sure to communicate my feelings and anxieties about it. The communication really helped, but only you will know when you're ready. One thing contributing to my anxieties, was that I didn't feel attractive after the loss. I treated myself and got all dolled up and smokin' hot, and told him to take me out to dinner which helped. It was a time to reconnect and have some wine, and allow ourselves time to be a couple again.

JellicalParker

We waited the two weeks until we were cleared, my husband was very gentle with me. I won't say that it wasn't emotional, however our level of intimacy normally is "high" compared to others I've spoken to. But, I think what helped me was that I took a shower immediately afterwards, almost like a cleansing of my body from the hardships of the previous two weeks. I definitely felt much better after I showered. Since then I haven't had any other emotional problems with intimacy. 

akleng

I can't add much more as PPs have said everything perfectly. Your feelings are completely normal. I cried the first time we were intimate again, which was about three weeks post natural mc. After getting through that first time, though, it got easier and now I feel like we're back to normal. Just know, that if it is difficult emotionally at first that's OK. I agree with others. You just have to get through the first time and try not to put too much pressure on yourself. Thanks for starting this discussion. I think it's an important thing to talk about.

jennadesigns

Thank you for this post. We have yet to be intimate since the D&C. I was happy my follow up appointment wasn't until today because I knew that gave me three weeks I didn't have to think about it. Now I've gotten the green light from the doctor, but I don't think I'm there emotionally. It's reassuring to feel that I'm not alone. Like many of you, I think some wine is definitely going to be involved ...

Feegan

@jennadesigns I'm glad this post found you when you were also wondering about such things. I knew that I mustn't be alone in these thoughts and was really comforted by all who posted. AF is still in town, and I have a hysteroscopy on Tuesday so I think it'll be put off until after I've recovered from that. I can't say that I'm entirely sad about it, but in an effort to be inspired, I did make a trip to VS to pick up a little something, as suggested. Wine is definitely on the grocery list.  

Thanks again to all the ladies who posted, you've helped me (and clearly others) more than you know!

BookishMomma

RedheadRunning said:

It's like, how do you feel sexy after all the trauma that has happened down there? And yet, in order to conceive again intimacy is necessary. Sigh.

THIS. I am 4+ weeks out from my D&C and still haven't gotten back "on the horse" as PP said. Though we have done "other" things.