SS: Diaper changes...WWYD? (LONG, sorry!)

AMcLaws

So with my job, we're fortunate to only require childcare 2 days a week. My SIL watches her, and does it for free. VERY FORTUNATE, we are.

Yesterday, she had my DD. Her kids are both in school, and they were doing end of year class parties and such. My SIL wanted to go and participate. Took my DD with her. Ok, fine. My DD had a blast!

When I stop by the school to pick her up, she says "DD comes with a disclaimer today." (I'm thinking she fell, tore her shirt...something). She continues "we've been at the school all day, so she hasn't had a diaper change yet. But she's dry! So it's not too bad!"

My eyes damn near bugged out of my head. 7 hours you had her, and didn't change her diaper once??? And girlfriend was NOT dry. Not even close. SIL was saying "well, I had nowhere to do it!" Do they not have bathrooms?? Is the ground not good enough to lay her down for a quick diaper change? I'd rather have her lay on the dirty ground then get an awful diaper rash!

She holds grudges VERY easily, so I somehow managed not to lose my shit on her. Especially since we were on school property. I really cannot afford to piss off my free babysitter.

My solution is to tell her that from now on, I would like to know about class parties in advance, so I can make other arrangements for childcare. Obviously, she is a mother first. I get that. And I don't begrudge her wanting to be involved at their school.

My DH thinks even going this far is going to piss her off and make her stop babysitting for us. I think my solution is fair, considering it was my child that "suffered".

Opinions? Thoughts?

CinemaGoddess

My first inclination is that you have issues with your SIL. 

It's a bit of an overreaction to go for other childcare arrangements because of this one incident.  

AMcLaws

I don't really have issues with her. She can be stubborn and a drama queen, but what woman isn't?

I appreciate your feedback/honesty. Idk if it's just pregnancy hormones or what. I was really upset by it.

RondackHiker

If she would really hold a grudge because you asked to have your daughter changed... You should probably just get different care. But I doubt she would.

[Deleted User]

My main thought- you shouldn't have someone watching your child if you can't be honest with them and put your child ahead of hurting their feeling. 

You need to put your child's needs ahead of an adult's feelings.  If you can't, then yes- you need a new provider.  This is why I am rarely a fan of these childcare arrangements. 

Your LO didn't suffer but your SIL sounds rather unqualified if she can't figure out how to change a diaper when away from home.

AMcLaws

I should clarify that I would only consider other childcare options on days where she wanted to be at the school for class parties and such. I'm not talking permanently. My SIL is really great with my DD, and DD adores her. This solution would enable her to not have to worry about taking care of my DD while she was participating in the kids' activities at school.

fintin

Id wait a couple days and then say you were thinking about it and its not fair for her to have to take your child to school functions of her kids because she should be able to focus on her kids that day and it should be about them. Then say next time just let me know ill get another sitter so she can enjoy her time with her little ones it's a sweet way of saying it and most likley she wont think anything of it. unless she already feels guilty and if she gets shitty just tell her you were trying to be sweet.

CinemaGoddess

Is it a full moon?  

[Deleted User]

AMcLaws said:

She can be stubborn and a drama queen, but what woman isn't? 

Oh.  I am done now.  Figure it out on your own.  I am just a dumb reactionary woman.  Must be my time to bleed.

[Deleted User]

CinemaGoddess said:

Is it a full moon?  

Early Christmas presents.

MrsJakes

She was at the school for the full seven hours? I feel like your kind of overreacting. If she hadn't peed enough to leak through the diaper, there's a good chance that the last time your SIL checked her, her diaper wasn't ready to be changed. If she had left poop on her for hours, then I'd be upset.

wesleycrusher

I think you're overreacting. I mean, it was one day.  A day where it sounds like your DD had a really good time.  My DD has gone a long time between diaper changes before, if we're out and busy and it slips my mind.  It happens sometimes, she's never gotten a rash and I don't think she "suffered."

Unknown

This content has been removed.

CinemaGoddess

All preglies are hormonal nutjobs. 

[Deleted User]

Whatever.  I was totally rational. 

Helenahhandbasket

I don't know.

Pee isn't usually a culprit of diaper rash.  Like, my DD sleeps for 12 hours at night (has been since she was a baby) and we don't wake her in the middle of the night to changer her pee diaper.  She only gets rashes if she poops in the middle of the night and doesn't cry/ we don't find the dirty diaper until morning.  Unusual for her, but it's happened.

Team there's more to the story.

[Deleted User]

If you can't ask your childcare provider to change your child's diaper- you need a new provider. 

If your childcare provider doesn't have the brains and critical thinking skills to figure out how to change a diaper when away from home- you need a new provider.

You get what you pay for with childcare.  Sorry.

CinemaGoddess

You could always start PTing. 

No more diapers!

outnumbered

My poor third child.  He was always getting dragged around to events and did not get changed in a timely manner.  His suffering was beyond words.

SpaceGirlSpiff

Can't get it up to worry about a pee diaper left for 7 hours... I mean, my DS sleeps in his pee for 12 hours overnight.... sure it's better to change it, but nothing to freak out about to the point of wanting to lose your shit.  If the kid is sitting in poop for 7 hours, yeah that would probably bug me, but... overall, this is one incident and it shouldn't be a big deal to mention your concerns or maybe helpful suggestions to deal with it next time in a calm manner.... If after that it turns into a regular pattern and you're uncomfortable with it, sure you have the right to find new care.

I guess I don't see having to hold back from losing my shit on her...unless there's other issues you maybe have..

And no... not all women are obnoxious drama queens.

AMcLaws

MarlaSinger& said:

If you can't ask your childcare provider to change your child's diaper- you need a new provider. 

If your childcare provider doesn't have the brains and critical thinking skills to figure out how to change a diaper when away from home- you need a new provider.

You get what you pay for with childcare.  Sorry.

I totally agree, that you get what you pay for.

AMcLaws

I honestly am not trolling. I really did just want opinions. Thank you all for your feedback.

And I apologize for making the generalization that women can be drama queens. It was a poor choice of wording. I do know plenty of women who are not.

I'll just chalk it up to me overreacting and forget about it for now. I'll talk to her about it if it becomes a habit.

AMcLaws

CinemaGoddess said:

You could always start PTing. 

No more diapers!

We've been potty training! She does really good with us, but SIL refuses to be on board with PTing (thinks DD is too young, because she didn't PT her kids til they were 4). So the days she has her, DD doesn't get to go on the potty.

Hesterlicious

AMcLaws said:

CinemaGoddess said:

You could always start PTing. 

No more diapers!

We've been potty training! She does really good with us, but SIL refuses to be on board with PTing (thinks DD is too young, because she didn't PT her kids til they were 4). So the days she has her, DD doesn't get to go on the potty.

This would bug me more than 7 hours in a diaper. Who wants 4 years of diapers?

fintin

AMcLaws said:

CinemaGoddess said:

You could always start PTing. 

No more diapers!

We've been potty training! She does really good with us, but SIL refuses to be on board with PTing (thinks DD is too young, because she didn't PT her kids til they were 4). So the days she has her, DD doesn't get to go on the potty.

THIS is what I would be upset about! And now it makes more sense why you were upset. You need someone on board with pt. Its takes EVERYBODY as a united front.

nonoemily

I used my mom as childcare until DS was two, because it was free, and I put up with a rash of shitty decisions and a bunch of drama. Eventually I realized it wasn't worth it anymore. I'd rather pay someone to do a good job and spare me their feelings and drama then save a few hundred dollars over the course of the month. It sounds like you might be ready to switch, too.

The pee diaper seems like NBD to me, but the fact that you can't talk to her and she refused to work on potty training is bullshit.

AMcLaws

TheEmpireNeedsYou said:

AMcLaws said:

CinemaGoddess said:

You could always start PTing. 

No more diapers!

We've been potty training! She does really good with us, but SIL refuses to be on board with PTing (thinks DD is too young, because she didn't PT her kids til they were 4). So the days she has her, DD doesn't get to go on the potty.

Yeah, now this is sounding more like you need to find a new DCP (on top of your feeling like you can't talk to her about stuff). Is she just going to make her wear diapers until whatever age she decides is appropriate in her mind for a kid to be PT'd? My kid has been trained since 19m, like hell would I be letting someone else tell us she was too young and sticking her in diapers.

Yeah, we got into it with her regarding that issue a few weeks ago. My MIL was the one to tell her that she was being completely ridiculous, but she wouldn't budge. I fully intend to complete DD's potty training this summer while I'm on maternity leave, (if not sooner) so she's going to have to be on board come fall.

Hesterlicious

Free childcare is never free.

kellyrn9956

Whether others think it's silly or not, if your expectation is that your child should not be in a pee diaper for 7 waking hours, then you should be able to communicate that expectation to your care provider. And if that's not something that your care provider can offer, then you have to determine if it's something worth switching care providers over. And the potty training thing? No. The reality is, you're getting free care from a family member, which brings challenges. If they're not challenges you're up for, I would switch to a non-family provider. 

I always am a little sad that I don't have a family member available to have J during the day. Then I hear stories like these, and a lot of that sadness goes away. 

AMcLaws

TyrannosaurusLex said:

That potty training situation sounds really unfair to your dd. Talk about confusing.

Indeed. She's encouraged/"expected" to use the potty in our home. Same in my parents' home, and MIL's. But at SIL's? Not allowed near it. It's very confusing for her.

Speshul

AMcLaws said:

That potty training situation sounds really unfair to your dd. Talk about confusing.

Indeed. She's encouraged/"expected" to use the potty in our home. Same in my parents' home, and MIL's. But at SIL's? Not allowed near it. It's very confusing for her.

If SIL is as big of a drama llama as you say, I'm predicting this will be the same for any major parenting issue that you do differently than she does.

ToastieSimons

Really?

Sounds a little crazy to me that you're this upset over a diaper change. It's a diaper, one day, so what if she wasn't changed every 2 hours?  I don't change my kids every time they're wet.  Disposable diapers wick so amazingly that the kid probably didn't even know she had a wet diaper.  I'm sure she knows how to change a diaper when out of the house.  I would rather my kid be in a wet diaper than changed on a bathroom floor, yuck.     

AMcLaws

Speshul said:

AMcLaws said:

TyrannosaurusLex said:

That potty training situation sounds really unfair to your dd. Talk about confusing.

Indeed. She's encouraged/"expected" to use the potty in our home. Same in my parents' home, and MIL's. But at SIL's? Not allowed near it. It's very confusing for her.

If SIL is as big of a drama llama as you say, I'm predicting this will be the same for any major parenting issue that you do differently than she does.

You're right. This isn't the only issue we've disagreed on.

AMcLaws

TyrannosaurusLex said:

TheEmpireNeedsYou said:

AMcLaws said:

TyrannosaurusLex said:

That potty training situation sounds really unfair to your dd. Talk about confusing.

Indeed. She's encouraged/"expected" to use the potty in our home. Same in my parents' home, and MIL's. But at SIL's? Not allowed near it. It's very confusing for her.

So this would be where you put your big girl panties on and find a care provider for your DD that will let you be the parents and make the decisions.

Ahem.
Yup.

I know quality childcare is expensive, but GDI you're being unreasonably cheap here. You'll make back what you spend on childcare in diapers.

I'm not being cheap. We have no extra money for childcare costs. Both hubby and I work full time. We live paycheck to paycheck. The joys of adulthood, for some. Every dime we make is already accounted for by various bills. We live very much within our means. We don't afford ourselves many luxuries.

RondackHiker

TyrannosaurusLex said:

Believe me I know about living on a limited income. I still think if you don't have the balls to speak up to SIL or it wouldn't be heard if you asked, you're doing your child a major disservice by sending her there for care.

Yup.

And I'd be taking a REALL hard look at my budget to find some extra money to send her to daycare three days a week. Can you go down to one car, pick up some extra shifts, move to a smaller home?

AMcLaws

RondackHiker said:

TyrannosaurusLex said:

Believe me I know about living on a limited income. I still think if you don't have the balls to speak up to SIL or it wouldn't be heard if you asked, you're doing your child a major disservice by sending her there for care.

Yup.

And I'd be taking a REALL hard look at my budget to find some extra money to send her to daycare three days a week. Can you go down to one car, pick up some extra shifts, move to a smaller home?

Already only have the one car. Live in a 2 bedroom apartment. I've been forced down to part time hours due to pregnancy complications, though I'm still working 30 hours a week. DH has made up the difference by picking up extra shifts at his job. He's working 70 hours a week now. Both our jobs just don't pay very well. But, we're blessed to have them. I'll have to check around again. Last i checked into childcare, the costs were way out of budget.

EVA116

I would just say

"Hey SIL could you change her diaper more often. Thanks"

Speshul

Would you by chance qualify for daycare tuition assistance?

AMcLaws

Speshul said:

Would you by chance qualify for daycare tuition assistance?

That's something I need to research