How to say no without him getting upset

gingerygirl

My husband wants to have sex just about every day. Pre-prego me was totally fine with this, but now I don't want to. I'm fine with having sex every other day or so, but I don't want to every day. He gets upset when I say no. It's not that I don't want to have sex with him, it's that my body doesn't feel up to it. I don't think he fully appreciates how hard and taxing on the body it is to grow a human being. So how to I let him down easy?

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Mrs_Bennett

You're growing a baby, and that's hard work. Explain to him that you don't have the energy right now, and he needs to respect that.
Maybe now is a good time to mention that you won't be allowed to have sex for at least 6 weeks after giving birth.....you know, just to mentally prepare him

gingerygirl

I just don't like seeing him upset and I don't like to be mean. My friends tell me I have a problem with "being too nice" haha

YaMrWhite

Lack of sex during pregnancy can definitely be hard on a guy when he's used to getting it regularly before the BFP but if you are having sex every other day, he should be effing ecstatic with that and therefore there should be no need to "let him down easy." Just thinking about EOD sex right now exhausts me. 

alexis.arnone

EOD?! I have 0% sex drive right now and I don't forsee that going up any time, lol....I've already prepared my hubby for no sex for almost a year.

LuckyPenny1231

Sex every single day? Hahahahahaha NOPE. I would have a problem if my husband was expecting sex every day. I'm sorry he doesn't understand how tired you are. He needs to suck it up and consider himself very lucky to be getting it every other day.

YaMrWhite

LuckyPenny1231 said:

Sex every single day? Hahahahahaha NOPE. I would have a problem if my husband was expecting sex every day. I'm sorry he doesn't understand how tired you are. He needs to suck it up and consider himself very lucky to be getting it every other day.

This would be my response to my husband asking for sex if he were getting it EOD but I had to turn him down because I was feeling the effects of pregnancy. A good, hearty belly laugh

SpaceGirlSpiff

What do you mean by he gets upset...like...pouting and angry at you or just bummed?

I mean yeah, I can see it's frustrating when schedules change and he has a high drive, and it may be hard for him to understand what you're going through but... it really doesn't matter, if you don't want to do it then you don't want to, and he needs to respect how you feel... if he's acting resentful and manipulating you with a pouty/angry attitude, that is wrong and pretty fucked up.

rmpar29

I would just explain to him how you are feeling and that you are just not up for it right now.  He is one lucky man to get it that much.  DH is lucky if he gets it twice a week right now with how I am feeling!

letsgox

I think telling him what you've said should be enough. He should respect your wishes and understand it's not happening ED. Hell, if you feel like you need to say more, tell him he's getting more than most of our SOs.

YaMrWhite

muskiefan07 said:

I think telling him what you've said should be enough. He should respect your wishes and understand it's not happening ED. Hell, if you feel like you need to say more, tell him he's getting more than most of our SOs.

Yes. We are lucky if it happens once a week here. 

Sunflower9939

Um... if he gets upset, tell him to grow up? This isn't the first of the changes to come in your lives and if he is going to get bent out of shape about this, then it's going to be a rough ride.

MusicFanatic

If my husband ever got upset when I say NO to having sex every single day, I would kick him in the nuts.  Then he wouldn't be wanting any for awhile.

Problem solved.

drpayne

Erinmcallister13 said:

I just don't like seeing him upset and I don't like to be mean. My friends tell me I have a problem with "being too nice" haha

ya think?

alibc123

Tell him no and he'll get over it. And maybe if he has such a hard time dealing with no for 1 day, hold out for 5 or 6 then he'll learn to appreciate the every other day sex schedule. You're pregnant he'll have to get used to no getting everything he wants from now on

MusicFanatic

I think I'm still baffled by this.

I've gone WEEKS without sex for various reasons (schedule, tired, I just don't feel like it sometimes?) and my husband has never gotten angry or upset over it.  Sex is not a one way street in a relationship. It's not all about him.  And I would never "give in" just because he wants it daily. And I wouldn't have to figure out ways to let him down gently... you don't always get what you want in life, eh?  I'm not saying sex isn't important, it is (nor am I saying I don't love it- I do).. but I don't get the mind frame of needing to let down a spouse because they can't have sex like every minute.

He has a hand, too.  So he can use that if he's that upset

Lanatir

Are you a FTM?  Because if you guys end up like us, after the baby is born it will be like 3 months until anything happens down there.  I was too tired from a newborn and then I made DH have DD's 9-midnight witching hours and he had no energy either, then.

KerBear8

EVERY DAY? Holy toledo, Batman! DH and I have been trending about once a week since I o'd. I've had zero drive and I need to will myself to give it up once a week.

spoonleg

MusicFanatic said:

I think I'm still baffled by this.

I've gone WEEKS without sex for various reasons (schedule, tired, I just don't feel like it sometimes?) and my husband has never gotten angry or upset over it.  Sex is not a one way street in a relationship. It's not all about him.  And I would never "give in" just because he wants it daily. And I wouldn't have to figure out ways to let him down gently... you don't always get what you want in life, eh?  I'm not saying sex isn't important, it is (nor am I saying I don't love it- I do).. but I don't get the mind frame of needing to let down a spouse because they can't have sex like every minute.

He has a hand, too.  So he can use that if he's that upset

This. All of this.

We have gone up to a month without sex before, for various reasons. MH NEVER made me feel bad about it. I never feel any pressure to give it up because HE wants it, and I'm never made to feel guilty for not being in the mood. That's how healthy adult relationships work.

mellie86041

Oh my. He's in for a rude awakening once LO is born! There's definitely a very real possibility of going MONTHS without it!

jjbh1209

Ah with how hectic our schedules are and how tired I am, we have sex maybe once a week.  Sleep > Sex.  Its seriously to wonder how we are pregnant again.   

motherboy

I'm not even going to blame pregnancy on this, because even when I'm not pregnant I can't handle sex every day.

Have an honest conversation with him about realistic expectations and how tired you are. If he gives you crap or makes you feel bad about it, then that is a huge issue and you need to stand up for yourself and let him know he's being a jerk.

WillCMyInk

Yeah I'm having problems understanding this as well. We hadn't had sex in nearly a month since O. We tried over the weekend which started me bleeding and now DH is freaked out about doing it again and says that he'll just go until after LO is here if it means we get to bring home our baby.

ED and EOD just sound exhausting and like it loses its fun...

ltlavac

WillCMyInk said:

Yeah I'm having problems understanding this as well. We hadn't had sex in nearly a month since O. We tried over the weekend which started me bleeding and now DH is freaked out about doing it again and says that he'll just go until after LO is here if it means we get to bring home our baby.

ED and EOD just sound exhausting and like it loses its fun...

Umm....it's been a month for us, I'm too scared something will happen! They told me not to during the 2ww after IVF and now I'm just scared! My husband hasn't mentioned it once...plus he's been getting bj's a few times a week so don't think he minds, lol!

Ktbug613

ummmm....what? I don't think you even need to explain yourself. If you don't want to he should respect that. end. of. story.

peggels24

I feel super bad for my DH now.  

NatureLovers

Give him a bottle of lotion and point him towards the bathroom. And tell him to STFU while you're at it.

Between this asshole and the jerk who told his wife that she was a pessimistic hypochondriac because she wanted an u/s after bright red bleeding, it's making me realize how great MH is.

YaMrWhite

emmyg65 said:

Give him a Playboy and a box of tissues.

And say "you're welcome"

kaybeeknits

Usually I just say, "No" lol

I thought I did good by finally bumping nasties last weekend for the first time since BFP (to be fair, I had a terrible cold /spotting on week one, diagnosed with pneumonia week 2 soooo)

lawwarrior

I have had no drive whatsoever and haven't done it for like 2 1/2 weeks.  I am also afraid something will happen.  DH is totally OK with it, he says if you're not going to enjoy it too, what's the point?  I just love him! 

MahriM23

I am also of the mindset that you should avoid saying no to sex-if possible. Like for instance if I just wasn't "in the mood" for several weeks or whatever that wouldn't be a good enough reason for my personal preferences or my dh's. However, my dh rarely asks for sex more often than EOD and while I'm pregnant or even before if I was sick or just extremely tired I don't think he ever makes me feel guilty. He might get a little bummed if it's been awhile but you both have to be comfortable...if he gets pushy abt it I would seek counseling.

MusicFanatic

MahriM23 said:

I am also of the mindset that you should avoid saying no to sex-if possible.

/:)

I'm grateful I have an understanding husband who I feel comfortable saying no to sometimes. he didn't marry me to get in my pants.  Ok, maybe partly so.. but, you know.

YaMrWhite

MusicFanatic said:

MahriM23 said:

I am also of the mindset that you should avoid saying no to sex-if possible.

/:)

I'm grateful I have an understanding husband who I feel comfortable saying no to sometimes. he didn't marry me to get in my pants.  Ok, maybe partly so.. but, you know.

Agree. Sometimes you just gotta say "Not tonight. I have gas." lol

MusicFanatic

YaMrWhite said:

MusicFanatic said:

MahriM23 said:

I am also of the mindset that you should avoid saying no to sex-if possible.

/:)

I'm grateful I have an understanding husband who I feel comfortable saying no to sometimes. he didn't marry me to get in my pants.  Ok, maybe partly so.. but, you know.

Agree. Sometimes you just gotta say "Not tonight. I have gas." lol

Seriously. I'm not a sex slave, yo.  This is giving me the willies.

LadyXaverian

I wonder if he knows yet about the 6 week pelvic rest after delivery?

As the others have said, he's going to have to understand that there is just no way you'll be able to maintain that kind of drive throughout pregnancy and with an infant. Welcome to his new normal. And if he is being unkind about it or pressuring you, then he's kind of a jerk, in my opinion.

NatureLovers

MusicFanatic said:

YaMrWhite said:

MusicFanatic said:

MahriM23 said:

I am also of the mindset that you should avoid saying no to sex-if possible.

/:)

I'm grateful I have an understanding husband who I feel comfortable saying no to sometimes. he didn't marry me to get in my pants.  Ok, maybe partly so.. but, you know.

Agree. Sometimes you just gotta say "Not tonight. I have gas." lol



Seriously. I'm not a sex slave, yo.  This is giving me the willies.


This gave me the creeps. "Not good enough for my DH"? What's he going to do? Hit you? Force himself on you? You do not give up bodily autonomy when you get married, and it is not your job to be his sex slave.

BookitBoo

Personally, I have a super-ramped up sex drive while pregnant. It battles with the increased motion sickness/sensitivity/morning sickness and sometimes I have to stop, despite wanting to continue. Last pregnancy I had to dismount and rush to the bathroom. NOT sexy, but there you have it.

I think you should just explain you don't feel Up to it, and that it isnt something personal, just that your body is trying to grow your baby and is diverting all energy to that task. And then ask for a foot massage or maybe something delicious to eat. Hopefully your honey is understanding. If he isn't, he'll get over it.

Sunflower9939

Aside from pelvic rest after having a baby, having sex seriously felt like someone was shoving a cactus up my vag over and over after we got the all clear. It honestly didn't feel "normal" again until about 10 months for me. It didn't feel like a cactus still at six months but it still hurt. Might want to let your DH know about this in advance if he's going to be a jerk about it.

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motherboy

Yeah and I hope he likes getting milked on once you are able to have sex. That was pretty unavoidable in the beginning.