Need suggestions ASAP

BeachBabe22

My daughter is 20 months old and I don't know how to handle her behavior.  

She refuses to get into her car seat.  She is very strong and arches her back, twists around, screams, and curls her legs so I can't get her to sit down.  I have to push down on her stomach to force her down and I feel like i'm abusing her when I do that.  I've tried bribing her with snacks, drinks, and toys.  I give her a sticker right before I put her in the car and tell her if she wants another one she has to get into her car seat like a big girl.  I know that she knows how to get into her car seat like she's supposed to because she does it right half of the time.  It's so frustrating and I don't even like to leave the house anymore because I worry that she will freak out when I put her into the car seat. 

She freaks out when I try to put sunscreen on her face.  I use a stick for her face and she used to just sit there and let me put it on without a problem but now she screams, runs away from me, tries to push my hands away, and kicks her legs.

She refuses to lay down for a diaper change and twists her body around and tries to run away. I have to force her down to change her diaper or dress her.  I try and bribe her with toys and distract her with different things but it doesn't work.  

Today she had a temper tantrum because she wanted a popsicle but I told her she had to eat lunch first.  I give her options for what she wants to eat but that doesn't seem to matter to her.  Her temper tantrums seem to be getting worse each time.  She throws herself to the ground, screams, cries, and kicks her legs.

I know that toddlers have temper tantrums and that it's normal but I'm pretty sure her behavior is worse than the average toddler.  It's so overwhelming and frustrating and I don't know how to handle her when she acts like that.  I've tried time outs and that does nothing.  I ignore her tantrums and she screams even louder.  The worst part is the car seat issue and I honestly don't know what else to do.  It doesn't help that my husband has been deployed for over six months now so I'm pretty much on my own.  

Any advice or suggestions and very much appreciated! 

honeydew01

My daughter is 14 months but since she turned one she has been doing everything you mentioned above. Every single one of them, the car seat battle, the diaper change battle, clothes changing battle getting into the high chair battle... I totally get it it's so frustrating. I feel like all day is a battle sometimes but what you're describing is typical toddler behavior. My DD started all of these way too early! I wish she had started it at 20 months old.

I pick my battles. I don't bribe her. And I don't give her something that she wants when/if she is throwing a tantrum. I let her have her moment and get her emotions out. I stay close, give her a hug, if she pushes me away, I stay around, sometimes she lets it all out and then she is ready for a hug and we move on.

I try to use NO for serious stuff (usually safety related) instead I try to be like "we can't touch the outlet, how about we see how X works instead." So I redirect her attention to something else that she can do. I feel like the less I use the word, the more powerful it'll be when I really need her to not do something.

Sometimes I use distraction, but when it's related to her safety (car seat) I am very firm. I explain to her in as few words as possible that we need to get seated and buckled in. She is not going to like it. She was doing what you described above, arching back, twisting refusing to seat in the car seat to get buckled in today. She is very tall for her age and I am pretty short, so it's hard for me to hold her and buckle her. If someone was watching us in the midst of all this, they'd think we are wrestling or I am abusing her..I took her out of the car and looked in her eyes and said "I know you don't like it but we need to get seated and buckled in" and kissed her she calmed down surprisingly. 

As far as diaper changes, I used to use distraction, toys or whatever but it's not working anymore. I just stand my ground and explain to her that we have to do it and try to do it as quickly as possible. 

Your daughter is older so what works for mine might not work for yours. I found the Happiest Toddler in the Block pretty useful so I really recommend it. Before reading this, I really thought I had the worst behaved baby on earth, but reading the book helped me have a better perspective and see things from her point of view...

I find that DD is constantly testing me, I mean I understand she is now a toddler and it's her job to test her boundaries but I do my best to stay consistent and I think consistency is really important. If you tell her NO for something she is going to test you again and see if you still mean NO. I hope this makes sense.

My husband is not deployed but he is gone a lot for work, he is usually gone a week at a time. He is gone right now as I am writing this and I had a day just like yours. It's exhausting. 

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ashiscute

You have gotten some good advice so far.  I know it feels like your LO is worse than others but from that description she sounds like a normal toddler.  Bribing her isn't working so do not continue doing that.  For diaper changes I either tell my DS (20 mos) that I will wait till he calms down or I hold him down if I need to.  If he fights me getting into the car I stay calm and explain that he needs to be in the seat.  If he doesn't calm down then I hold him down.  I doubt anyone would think I was abusing him.  

Try to stay calm (this isn't easy but is crucial).  Offer options, give firm directions, give plenty of warnings between transitions and mostly ignore tantrums.  Once she has calmed down offer hugs and move on.  Try to be proactive when your LO is getting hungry or tired.  Try not to say no to things that aren't really a big deal.  But mainly, know all of us are dealing with the tantrums.  It will get better.  

pb_bride

I feel your pain and your frustration, and I can only imagine what it's like to go through this day after day after day all by yourself with your husband deployed!  Is there someone who can come by to take your DD for a bit so you can get a break?  

DS is 18.5m and we have gone through really tough phases similar to yours.  Right now he's in a good phase, but I'm sure the worse has yet to come.

I don't bribe DS.  I just try my best to distract him and sing him silly songs.  For a month or so, he hated getting into the car seat and he would kick me in my chest and arm as I was strapping him in.  Lately he's more cooperative.  Maybe b/c I'm letting him climb up into the car and into the car seat?  Maybe b/c he's "helping" to buckle it?  I don't know, but I take whatever works to distract him.

As for diaper change, we have good days and bad days.  He is worse when he's tired, so I try to change him before he's too tired.  He love firetrucks so I sing him the firetruck song (and he mimics spraying the water and climbing the ladder) - this helps keep him occupied and he fights less.  Is there a particular song your DD enjoys and you can sing together with diaper change?

For meals, we haven't had this problem.  If I were you, I'd just ignore her request and offer her her meal. If she doesn't eat it, fine.  AFter a few times, she'll figure out there's no use in protesting and she'd better eat so she doesn't go hungry.

As for sunscreen, will it help if you put some on your own face, then put it on her face?  I know toddlers like to mimic so maybe she'll be more open to it?  Or even try to let her put it on herself?  DS is okay with sunscreen but for the longest time he hated wearing hats.  I always put a hat on myself when we go out, and now he wants to have his hat on too.  

Anyway, I know I"m a stubborn person and I feel like my kid should "obey" me.  But I've learned that I need to be a bit more flexible with my ways.  If one thing doesn't work for DS, try approach it a different way or different attitude, or somehow make it a game that the toddlers fall for it.  

Having said all that, there are still days DS will throw a major tantrum over the tiniest thing.  And when he does it, there's nothing I can do to stop him.  I just let it takes its course and when he calms down some, I go over and distract him with something.

GL. Parenting a toddler is no easy task, and ever more difficult when you are on your own!

BeachBabe22

Thank you for all of the advice.  I will definitely look into The Happiest Toddler on the Block.  Our major issue is the car seat and it's frustrating because there's no way to know when she will freak out and when she will get in without a problem.  I do explain to her that she has to get into her car seat because it keeps her safe.  

Thanks again for all of the suggestions!  I really appreciate it. 

mb314

DS is also 20 months, and we have behavior like that sometimes (although he's usually good about the car seat).  The other morning, his tantrum was so bad, that I cried all the way to work from the stress of it.  It was similar to your popsicle tantrum - I gave him blueberries which he threw on the floor because he wanted bread.  I said he could have bread if he helped me pick up the blueberries, and he refused - and the tantrum was horrific. 

I'm sorry I don't have more advice.  I too am going to pick up the Happiest Toddler on the Block.  But I wanted to let you know that my DS seems like your DD. 

KyMommy86

It is very frustrating at times. And I will preface this next statement by saying I'm not saying you aren't doing this but she has to KNOW that you are the rulemaker not her. She needs to know that bad behavior will not be tolerated. Easier said than done I know. My son will be 2 next month and we have issues like this sometimes too and that is the advice I was given.

*LrCg*

Based on all the examples you have given it appears that all the times she gets upset its because she's not in control of the situation- someone (you) are telling her/doing something for her.  Honestly, I don't think time outs are very effective when it comes to power struggle issues and this is around the age when they come out.  This may sound bizarre but with my kids @12-14 months old is when we introduced a Responsibility Chart (we use the Melissa & Doug one).  At first it was mainly for behavior & getting use to the idea of having responsibilities - listening, picking up toys, teeth brushing (clearly at that age teeth brushing is pretty simple and consists of holding a tooth brush for a minute then allow Mom/Dad to brush your teeth).  So nothing really difficult.  Around 15-17 months old we start adding feed the dog, setting the table, taking your dishes to the sink, etc (on top of the no whining and listening).  Again you're probably wondering how this relates to you and its because you are now giving your child an opportunity to contribute to the family and they feel big and proud about it.  I've noticed when we would get a touch of power struggles if I add a new chore or more than one chore task it really goes away fast.  Because honestly kids have so little choices and are really made to feel small- this makes them feel big and all day long all they do is try to mimic adults and now is their chance! 

In the meantime, and for your more specific examples- prior to a car ride mention "in X time we have to leave in a car ride" when its time to load up ask if she can help you by getting in her seat by herself.  Also, I would really caution against snacks in the car for safety reasons- you may be a safe driver but that doesn't mean the person beside you is.  For sunscreen ask her to put it on and let her know you'll do a "touch up".  Again, make her feel its her doing, not yours.

emberlee3

I give DD a choice for just about everything:
It's time to change your diaper. Do you want to walk or do you want me to carry you? Standing up or lying down? Bathroom or your room? Will you get the diaper or should I?
Do you want to climb in your car seat yourself/buckle yourself/keep your sunglasses or take them off, etc.

Find a way to say yes instead of no. Yes, let's eat lunch first and then we can have Popsicles.
Yes you can wear crocs and we will bring your sneakers to school.
Yes you can swing for 5 pushes. Let's count them (she always wants to swing on the playground when we drop DS off at preschool).

=Lee=B

My daughter is difficult with the car seat and has been for months and months.  She LOVES to stand on the seat and try to look forward (it's rear facing) at her daddy in the front seat.  She doesn't want to sit.  The easiest thing we've found (since it' near impossible to bend her) is to hold both her feet up...so she is leaning on the seat but not supporting her weight.  Eventually her legs give and she sits then wham arms in straps and buckle.

 

For sunscreen put some on your hands, rub them together and come up from behind. It is less invasive if they don't see your hands coming for the face.  Use one quick motion (both hands at once) to slop it on from top to bottom of the face,  If she stays still long enough then try and be a bit more detailed but the double handed swipe is enough if it's all you can manage!

Diapers are the worst.  Go for speed not distraction...nothing is enough to distract to get them calm and still.  Just have everything ready and out...diaper opened.  Then go for speed.  Ignore the screaming, hold down as needed and just GO!  If you need to do it on the floor with you sitting crossed legged and her lying with feet facing you.  Lie your bent leg across her arms and chest. She's scream but it immobilizes them, as gently as you can.  It sucks but they are choosing to make it difficult, you NEED to change her so do what you need to do. 

This too shall pass.  Some day. In time for the next phase.  Which is likely worse. :-)

Crequito

Have you read Toddler 411?  Everything you describe is pretty much typical "terrible two's" stuff.  You have to be firm and it takes a lot of repetition.  DD turned 1 on April 1st and has already started the tantrums.  We use time outs and we try to make her see she's not always going to get her way.  We try not to bribe but every once in a while it's needed to get her to do what we need.  

I too do the from behind attack for the sunscreen.  It's funny how DD has no problem with sunscreen anywhere but her face.  Once I reach for it she goes nuts.  It is what it is.

DH and I talk to DD rationally (I know rational and toddler don't go together) when she starts a tantrum.  She hates to hear the word no or stop and starts this fake cry whenever we use them.  I just calmly say "you can't cry every time we say no/stop.  you have to do what mommy and daddy tell you to."  She usually stops crying before I even finish my 2 sentences.  She completely understands, I can see it in her face.

Be firm - you can do this!  The other day I came home from work and DDs box of blocks was up on the dining table instead of in it's usual place on the playmat.  When I asked my mom what happened she said they had a test of wills and she wasn't going to let DD win.  If DD didn't want to pick up the blocks then GiGi decided she didn't need the blocks around anymore.  Sometimes it's simple things like that - remove the toy or cup or whatever.  Good luck!!

traveltheworld

DS is shockingly strong and I can't get him to sit in his car seat if he is resisting me. The only thing that works now is we'd just sit there in the car. I would sit at the driver seat and wait till he is ready to be buckled in. I don't talk to him or acknowledge his climbing in and out of his car seat or whatever he happens to be doing. After a while he gets bored and would let me buckle him in.

After doing that consistently for a month, it seems to be getting better.

kross605

As others have said, your daughter sounds totally normal for her age. In addition to the advice already given, one thing that works for my daughter-sometimes-is to be silly. I tickle her, sing songs with silly voices or ridiculous faces, give her loud obnoxious kisses everywhere to the point that it annoys her more than whatever she was initially screaming about, or dramatically cry like a baby right back at her (in a silly way not an angry way). It works a lot of times to brighten her mood. Sometimes it doesn't and I just take deep breaths to get through it and thank god I have a normal baby, even during the times I want to run and hide someplace that's quiet!!