STD

KQuinonez

Let's see if we can stir up some conversation this week.

What do you feel is the one thing society puts the most emphasis on when it comes to being a mother? 

KQuinonez

I agree @hauntedradio which is why this whole Sept13 war just irks me.  It's people like them who cause the real world to question the fact that I don't let me kid CIO.  As if I am doing something wrong by making sure he feels safe and happy.

ludali

Yep, it all seems to be about the sleep - if I talk with a co-worker that I ahven't talked to in months, its always "how is DD doing? is she sleeping?"

magdalina.h

I get bugged the most about where they're sleeping. Both of their beds are in our room, however, we co sleep with both kids.

TrueBeliever925

I agree. The first question I think anyone asks me is how he is sleeping. Then how old he is (to judge size, usually). Then what he does (crawling, walking). 

MommyKristin88

Independence

STTN, self-feeding, walking/crawling/talking by a certain point, etc.

It seems like the focus is on how quickly the child becomes self sufficient. Irks the hell out of me.

Cosmic+Love

MommyKristin88 said:

Independence

STTN, self-feeding, walking/crawling/talking by a certain point, etc.

It seems like the focus is on how quickly the child becomes self sufficient. Irks the hell out of me.

Yes, I sometimes feel like people want to rush the process.

"Oh, what a cute baby! Now, grow the hell up!"

Snowbird7

I think size is a biggie (no pun intended). I've already been fat-shamed for Alex's weight twice. I'm sure the ladies with smaller LO's get the "OMG why aren't you feeding him/her?!?" too.

lkobriant

I get the sleeping question a lot too but also size/feeding.  DS is a big baby, not abnormally, just tall and solid so the first question I get asked then is if he is breastfed, when I say no they get this "Oh OK that makes sense" response.  Annoys the crap out of me!

Texasmomma13

In the beginning it was Bfing, but maybe I was just really sensitive to that because I wasn't able to. Now it's her milestones. People ask if she's crawling yet. When I say no I get a little side eye. Which then makes me feel like I need to explain her medical history, even though it's really no one else's business.

I also get the whole, "it must have been because you're a "mature mother" that she had problems" attitude. No bitch, sometimes it just happens. If you don't believe me, ask our geneticist.

Sadly, I get a lot of the last one from my own mother.  heffer!

KQuinonez

lkobriant said:

I get the sleeping question a lot too but also size/feeding.  DS is a big baby, not abnormally, just tall and solid so the first question I get asked then is if he is breastfed, when I say no they get this "Oh OK that makes sense" response.  Annoys the crap out of me!

It's not any easier when they are a little chunck and actually breastfed.  People look quite shocked as if I must eat ice cream and cookies three meals a day because he is so big.

KQuinonez

Texasmomma13 said:

In the beginning it was Bfing, but maybe I was just really sensitive to that because I wasn't able to. Now it's her milestones. People ask if she's crawling yet. When I say no I get a little side eye. Which then makes me feel like I need to explain her medical history, even though it's really no one else's business.

I also get the whole, "it must have been because you're a "mature mother" that she had problems" attitude. No bitch, sometimes it just happens. If you don't believe me, ask our geneticist.

Sadly, I get a lot of the last one from my own mother.  heffer!

We can share mom's.  Mine thinks Liam is a genius no matter what he does.

TrueBeliever925

Texasmomma13 said:

In the beginning it was Bfing, but maybe I was just really sensitive to that because I wasn't able to. Now it's her milestones. People ask if she's crawling yet. When I say no I get a little side eye. Which then makes me feel like I need to explain her medical history, even though it's really no one else's business.

I also get the whole, "it must have been because you're a "mature mother" that she had problems" attitude. No bitch, sometimes it just happens. If you don't believe me, ask our geneticist.

Sadly, I get a lot of the last one from my own mother.  heffer!

Whhhhhat?!?! I hope you're able to shut people down right away... especially your mom. That's ridiculous! 

Texasmomma13

Thanks @truebeliever925. I damn near kicked her out of my hospital room when she came to meet S. We got into a HUGE fight last year and I didn't speak to her for months, until I called to tell her we were having the baby. I still limit contact. The only reason she is in my life right now is because of my daughter. But if she ever tries to pull some of shit she has in the past in front of her, she will never see her again. I am not going to let her grow up seeing her mother treated like crap.

MinnesotaMomma91

I think for me its being a single mother.i usually get asked sone variation of this question.

"Dont you feel like hell miss out on having a strong male model in his life?" No, i dont feel that way because bd wouldnt be a positive role model and between bf, my dad, his uncles, and othet men in my family he has wonderful strong men in his life.

The sleep questions already been covered. Even when ds is sleeping like shit i say he sleeps fine because their imput is not needed

MinnesotaMomma91

Texasmomma13 said:

In the beginning it was Bfing, but maybe I was just really sensitive to that because I wasn't able to. Now it's her milestones. People ask if she's crawling yet. When I say no I get a little side eye. Which then makes me feel like I need to explain her medical history, even though it's really no one else's business.

I also get the whole, "it must have been because you're a "mature mother" that she had problems" attitude. No bitch, sometimes it just happens. If you don't believe me, ask our geneticist.

Sadly, I get a lot of the last one from my own mother.  heffer!

I love titted this for the last part, also people who blame yoi cam shove it in their ear.

catskitch

eating and sleeping are big ones. they're always either too skinny or too big. if they're too skinny, somehow it's tied to not sleeping enough.

ludali

I also get the puzzled look when I tell people DD is almost 10 months...yet she's all of 16 pounds.  Some days I say she was early, some days I just let them be.

nnikki10

She is too big,am I still bf, and does she sleep through the night? All get very annoying.

I also get a lot of " ohh you are still working?!?! Poor thing". Seriously wtf??

MommyKristin88

 

nnikki10 said:

She is too big,am I still bf, and does she sleep through the night? All get very annoying. I also get a lot of " ohh you are still working?!?! Poor thing". Seriously wtf??

I have gotten that a lot from relatives and old women. It's extra annoying, because I would rather be a SAHM. Thanks bitches for making me feel even worse about it.

TrueBeliever925

mwalker710 said:

Around here it is definitely feeding. I get asked on a weekly basis if I'm ever going to let L have REAL food. Because you know, only formula is "real" food. And the solids he has been getting, all make-believe. I have actually had family members tell my baby he was gross because he "sucked mommy's titties." No, you're gross for even saying that. 

The sleep question I also get all the time, but it only irks me from my mom because according to her he should have been STTN at 4 weeks old like I was for her. She was also devastated that we weren't putting rice cereal in his bottles at 4 weeks old. How ever will he learn to sleep without the rice cereal???????

WTF?!?!?!? I would seriously smack someone. That's so unbelievably obnoxious, rude, and offensive. 

thoughtfulmommy

I think people say "is he STTN yet?" Before they even say hello.

But what really irks me is my mother and MIL always telling me that just wait until he is...and can do..it will be so much better. They are always trying to convince me as time passes it will get better. What they don't know, is I love this stage (and every stage before) and I don't want him to grow up. I'm trying to enjoy every moment in the now because I know it will go by so fast.

BlueJewelM

In relation to the baby: There is a lot of talk of milestones. With my first I had some anxiety about it, because it seemed like no matter how early/late they hit one...you were judged. My first started crawling at 6 month and a girl on my BMB said that "she didn't want her child to crawl so early because early crawlers have behaivoral issues according to some study". And while he was early with motor skills...he was later with verbal skills, so there was some flack for that from people IRL. He's fine just the way he is now. I'm a lot more laid back with this LO. In relation with my toddler: There is a lot of fear (?) for moms of toddlers. Toddlers hit, they throw things, they push. It happens. No amount of parenting is going to prevent every instance. As I parent this "almost 3 year old" I am constantly reminding myself that he is pushing boundaries and figuring out what is allowed and what is not. And its hard for them to process all this stuff. "Its okay to throw balls, but not sand. Its okay feel and drop the sand...but not throw it", "Its okay to run and play tag, but don't run too far from mom." I feel there are certain moms who shame others kids. We were at the park the other day and there was a little girl who was pushing other kids who wanted to play on the fort. Other mothers were "shaming" the girls mother (behind her back of course) saying her little girl was a terrror, etc. I could tell the mom was frustrated and embaressed she had the "mean kid" that particular day/time. When the little girl pushed my son the mother made her daughter apologize and told her that wasn't appropriate and the mom looked so...defeated. And once the kids were off playing and she apologized to me, I just told her "Its really okay, they are learning important social skills, and it takes time. maybe not today, but lots of days...I'm in those trenches too." And she just looked relieved to know someone was on her side and understood. Parenting isn't acting and reacting. Its a LOOOOOOONG haul. Its constant teaching. Kids will "fail" sometimes and thats okay. Every conflict is a teachable moment. Conflict isn't a bad thing. Tantrums does not equal "bad kid" (as my parents say). Tantrums equals "my son is trying to find the words and actions to fix what is bothering him...but doesn't have the skills yet." Back the fuck off. Anywho...sorry for the novel.

Cocolamo1

I must say that not many people make comments about the baby, they are usually too distracted by the preschooler and toddler. I feel as though I am judged by their behavior.

When we were recently in a store, my two year old asked for a random toy or something and I said no. She happily kept moving and said, "maybe tomorrow?" A stranger commented that I must be doing something right. While it was harmless and kind, I replied with. "No you just caught us at a good moment!" Two year olds are the most unpredictable humans on the planet and their behavior really has little to do with how they are raised (a lot of the time, at least)!

Cocolamo1

TrueBeliever925 said:

mwalker710 said:

Around here it is definitely feeding. I get asked on a weekly basis if I'm ever going to let L have REAL food. Because you know, only formula is "real" food. And the solids he has been getting, all make-believe. I have actually had family members tell my baby he was gross because he "sucked mommy's titties." No, you're gross for even saying that. 

The sleep question I also get all the time, but it only irks me from my mom because according to her he should have been STTN at 4 weeks old like I was for her. She was also devastated that we weren't putting rice cereal in his bottles at 4 weeks old. How ever will he learn to sleep without the rice cereal???????

WTF?!?!?!? I would seriously smack someone. That's so unbelievably obnoxious, rude, and offensive. 

This. I would have some words if someone said this in my presence. Ignorant!

BlueJewelM

eeeek...sorry for no paragraphs on my novel. I forgot my posts are all wonky on the ipad.

TrueBeliever925

@BlueJewelM I agree about the crawling first, talking later. I feel like we're sometimes criticized for J not babbling as much as he used to. He's a super physical kid and since crawling and walking, he has ignored talking. He still gets spurts where he is talkative but not as much. My mom called us out on it once and I got really defensive. My friend who is working on her masters in speech-language pathology mentioned that she learned that when kids are developing one skill (either walking or talking) they "lack" in the other. Their brains can really only handle one big development at a time. That made me feel SO much better. I figure J might turn out okay.  

nnikki10

MommyKristin88 said:

 

nnikki10 said:

She is too big,am I still bf, and does she sleep through the night? All get very annoying. I also get a lot of " ohh you are still working?!?! Poor thing". Seriously wtf??

I have gotten that a lot from relatives and old women. It's extra annoying, because I would rather be a SAHM. Thanks bitches for making me feel even worse about it.

I could love tit this a billion times. Like I don't feel bad enough as it is leaving her??? Thanks for rubbing it even more.

BlueJewelM

@TrueBeliever925‌ in the case of DS1 that is COMPLETELY true. He could always run circles around his buddies, climb higher, and was very coordinated. But just wasn't into talking. Finally around 2 years and 2 months old...we finally hit a talking "explosion". From what I've heard...its very common with little boys.

magdalina.h

ayanahazel1 said:

I think size is a biggie (no pun intended). I've already been fat-shamed for Alex's weight twice. I'm sure the ladies with smaller LO's get the "OMG why aren't you feeding him/her?!?" too.

Yes. I did have someone ask if we're feeding her. I said nope, she's our last so I want her to stay small...

carrotcake06

As a couple others have said, the big one's behavior is always on display to be judged. He's also huge - 53lbs and 42in at 4yo (99% weight and 90% height), so he looks older than he is. He can be a very sweet boy or he can be very very challenging. Honestly, he's more challenging than the twins put together.

The comments I get about the twins run the gamut from hysterically funny to totally ignorant. The amount of strangers that think it's perfectly acceptable to ask how they were born and what they are fed is astounding.

The best is when I explain the logistics of tandem BFing. I've even had people use hand motions when trying to understand. It's not hard people. Two babies, two boobs.

Speshul

In the beginning it was bfing.

Now it's her size, she is a big baby and I get comments all the time. I don't care about general "she's a chunk" comments, but a family member tried to nickname her based on her size and some people try to go into detail about how much she eats. The other one is "who watches her?"

In general I think it's common for people to ask questions about milestones. I've gotten it from both ends of the spectrum, I know some super natural granola people and others that are old school. I'm not sure if there is a middle, or if the people in the middle just know better than to say bullshit.

A lot of pressure comes from the basic stripped down question of how much time/sleep/sanity do you sacrifice to be a good mom? Some people think if you aren't a total martyr of some sort then you are bad parent. That's not how I measure my parenting skills and IDGAF about that kind of attitude, it's stupid, I just ignore them.

If they think they are better parents than me, ok have fun. Usually this type of rhetoric comes out when someone finds out they are on the opposite side of a mommy war than you are. I've come a long way in terms of the mommy wars, I just don't care.

When I'm talking to someone in person and they start with the passive aggressive comments, it just rolls off now. If they want to feel validated and correct that badly, then ok. Strange thing is even if I don't argue with their opinion they keep pushing and wanting something out of me, but there's no fucks in me to give to them. (Well except antivaxers, because that's not just about them). 

MommyBolty

The first question anyone asks me is... Is she a good baby? (No pause for my answer) Is she sleeping through the night?

As if...sleeping through the night dictates whether or not she's a good baby. I'm blessed with a baby who STTN...but I don't dare say that is what defines my baby as a good baby.

Revez

If one more person asks me if
- I'm feeding her
- she's STTN
- she's talking
- she's walking
- I plan on weaning soon

I.am.going.to.lose.my.shit.

ludali

jrtmom said:

@MinnesotaMomma91 - I HATE that question!  We are a female couple and have been asked the exact same question.  It is so rude!  

I know you're not kidding - but ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!  People are so rude and just idiots.  1) respect the family as it is; 2) just because you are a female couple doesn't mean your child will never be around another male; 3) no one's business - argh.

So disappointed in society.

MinnesotaMomma91

@Jrtmom i hate that question. Most single mom judgments are eyeroll worthy but that one makes me stabby. Its like,

Hey thanks for assuming non of the men in my family or my male friends could possibley be male role models.

And in your situation. They can just fuck off. Im sure you and your partner are the best role modela your lo could possibley need and niether of need a penis dangling between your legs to do so.

BellaOso

My kid has giant, floppy hair, and if I don't have her hair up all the time, people ALWAYS feel the need to say something about it being "in her face". ALWAYS.

Here are reasons why my kid may not have her hair up at every second:
1.) She can pull the little stretchy headbands down so I do not put them on her in the car seat so she doesn't get it wrapper around her neck. Not worth the risk, so I don't put them on for car rides, and sometimes I don't want to deal with it in the parking lot. Also, they slide off all the time because she has hair like duck down. I don't feel like messing with them ALL. DAMN. DAY.
2.) She and her sister like to pull the bows, pins and clips. I have tried a million times, but sometimes they just do, so fuck it. I get tired of putting them back in a wiggly baby 100x a day. Sue me.
3.) While I do most frequently do the "Pebbles" style these days, getting it in sometimes makes her cry, and sometimes I don't want to make her cry just to do her hair for other people's benefit. Sorry, not sorry. I love her and will not make her cry needlessly to make YOU comfortable.

Long story, short? The hair doesn't bother her. At all. So STFU about it her hair in face.

Also, like so many others - No she doesn't sleep through the night. No I am not weaning. No I have no particular time frame. No we don't wish she was a boy. No we don't think we should try for one next so our family is "complete."

kkay1982

Sleep and size. But I also get told that he is always a happy baby. And while I do have a happy and easy baby (knock on wood) like every other baby he has his moments. I should be happy everyone thinks I have a happy baby but it feels like they are telling me I have it easy and that my job as a mom isn't as much work as someone else's.

BlueJewelM

Ooooh @BellaOso‌ that's a good one..

We get the "so when is the 3rd coming? gotta get that girl, right?"

No. Not right. Wrong wrong wrong.

coraggiosa

BlueJewelM said:

In relation to the baby: There is a lot of talk of milestones. With my first I had some anxiety about it, because it seemed like no matter how early/late they hit one...you were judged. My first started crawling at 6 month and a girl on my BMB said that "she didn't want her child to crawl so early because early crawlers have behaivoral issues according to some study". And while he was early with motor skills...he was later with verbal skills, so there was some flack for that from people IRL. He's fine just the way he is now. I'm a lot more laid back with this LO. In relation with my toddler: There is a lot of fear (?) for moms of toddlers. Toddlers hit, they throw things, they push. It happens. No amount of parenting is going to prevent every instance. As I parent this "almost 3 year old" I am constantly reminding myself that he is pushing boundaries and figuring out what is allowed and what is not. And its hard for them to process all this stuff. "Its okay to throw balls, but not sand. Its okay feel and drop the sand...but not throw it", "Its okay to run and play tag, but don't run too far from mom." I feel there are certain moms who shame others kids. We were at the park the other day and there was a little girl who was pushing other kids who wanted to play on the fort. Other mothers were "shaming" the girls mother (behind her back of course) saying her little girl was a terrror, etc. I could tell the mom was frustrated and embaressed she had the "mean kid" that particular day/time. When the little girl pushed my son the mother made her daughter apologize and told her that wasn't appropriate and the mom looked so...defeated. And once the kids were off playing and she apologized to me, I just told her "Its really okay, they are learning important social skills, and it takes time. maybe not today, but lots of days...I'm in those trenches too." And she just looked relieved to know someone was on her side and understood. Parenting isn't acting and reacting. Its a LOOOOOOONG haul. Its constant teaching. Kids will "fail" sometimes and thats okay. Every conflict is a teachable moment. Conflict isn't a bad thing. Tantrums does not equal "bad kid" (as my parents say). Tantrums equals "my son is trying to find the words and actions to fix what is bothering him...but doesn't have the skills yet." Back the fuck off. Anywho...sorry for the novel.

I you. This is perfect, and I don't even have a toddler yet. 

coraggiosa

The question I most often get is about her sleep, probably because it has always been shitty and people want to know if she now STTN. She doesn't. She still wakes up every two hours. 

Also, it is widely known in my circle that I am going to a full time accelerated nursing program in the fall that will require me to be gone about 40-50 hours a week. People ask me how I could possibly do that and not be with my daughter. Uhhhhh, livelihood maybe? We want to have more kids, and this is how we will be able to afford it.