Daddy doesn't like babies :( — The Bump
Multiples

Daddy doesn't like babies :(

My DH is wonderful. He is very kind and thoughtful. He is great with our nieces and nephews, but he has always said he's not a baby person. Honestly, me neither. I love, love MY girls, but i do not go gaga over others' babies. Now that they are here I feel he is always complaining about them. He isn't very loving toward them especially when they are fussy. He will get frustrated and just let tbem cry in his lap without holding tthem or trying to soothe. He says he misses his freedom and his "old life." I do as much as I can alone, but as you know, twins are hard and one person cannot so it alone all the time. Any suggestions? Did you go through this? I try not to let it cause contention but it makes me angry and sad. We have been together 18 years, married 15 and tried ivf multiple times before being blessed with our girls. I wish he wereore appreciative. :(

Age: 35 TTC since 2005, MFI & DOR 

IVF #1 Sep '11 - canceled poor response

 IVF #2 Nov '11  8R/8M/4F 3dt x2 - chemical

IVF #3 April '12  11R/6M/4F 3dt x2 - m/c

FET #1 Aug 2012  3dt x2 - BFN

**new RE**

 IVF #4 Jan '13 BFN 11R/6M/6F 5dt x2 - BFN

 IVF #5 July '13 16R/10M/10F 5dt x2 + 1 frostie

9dp5dt Beta 1 = 344!! 16dp5dt. Beta 2 = 4822 7wk u/s= 2 heartbeats!

Twin girls! 3/6/14

 

Re: Daddy doesn't like babies :(

  • MillimeterMillimeter member
    edited May 2014
    My husband was like that a little bit. He was just overwhelmed with the babies and the stresses of being a new parent and added responsibilities. We both ended up getting a prescription for anxiety and depression.

    Maybe talk to him and see exactly what is going on and what he is really feeling. I know I have to prod my husband a bit to see what he is really feeling because honestly he doesn't know until he thinks about it.

    We had schedules so we each had "off time" so we weren't so overwhelmed. Unless I really needed help, he could sleep or watch TV until he was on duty.

    We hit bottom and I realized I had PPD and PPA so I was put on medication that really helped. A few weeks later he was put on the same medication. Raising kids is hard especially twins. I felt bad for feeling the way I did because I wanted the babies so badly (we has treatments too) but that doesn't mean he doesn't love the babies with all his might.

    The kids are 9 months now and he is crawling on the floor with them as soon as he gets home. I always have to remind him to take off his suit!

    Just talk and see what is going on and what he needs and what you need. Good luck!

    Edit to add:
    I remember saying I missed my old life. It is a huge adjustment and it really is survival for a while. As they get older and interact it is a lot more fun. I can't see how old yours are but once they smile and laugh it gets easier. Just remind him that this is just a stage and soon they will be crawling all over and fighting over the pack of wipes.
  • Having your first kid(s) is a huuuuge adjustment. We, as women, got a bit of a jump start on the whole thing bc we got pregnant and our life changed. For men, their life didn't really change until babies are born. Even if babies are planned, no one is really prepared for reality.

    I'm not a baby/kid person either and I have 3 of them, haha. It is different w your own but you've got to find your groove too. Those first 3mo, 6mo, a year - it's all about working together to find your groove.

    I also agree that everyone needs some baby-free and work-free time. H and I both work FT, so finding time to just be you and not someone's mom or dad can he hard, but it feels great.

    Hang in there, keep communicating and you both will make it through.
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    zazu13shaunah816
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  • 24karat24karat member
    Having your first kid(s) is a huuuuge adjustment. We, as women, got a bit of a jump start on the whole thing bc we got pregnant and our life changed. For men, their life didn't really change until babies are born. Even if babies are planned, no one is really prepared for reality. I'm not a baby/kid person either and I have 3 of them, haha. It is different w your own but you've got to find your groove too. Those first 3mo, 6mo, a year - it's all about working together to find your groove. I also agree that everyone needs some baby-free and work-free time. H and I both work FT, so finding time to just be you and not someone's mom or dad can he hard, but it feels great. Hang in there, keep communicating and you both will make it through.
    All of this. 

    It's a hard adjustment, even for "baby" people...nothing quite prepares you for the 24/7 that parenting is and it's normal to feel a little overwhelmed. Especially with multiples. Everyone at some point misses the freedom of pre-parenthood days, even though we love our kids and wouldn't change life as it is now for the old one. So long as resentment isn't building his behavior might just be part of him trying to adjust as well. It doesn't make things easy on you, but hang in there and keep the communication lines open. 
    J13 May Siggy Challenge: People lacking in common sense raise my blood pressure.
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    DD 8/11 | DS1 7/13 | DS2 7/13
    zazu13
  • My husband is similar.  We also have a 3 year old daughter, and I did everything with the newborn stage for her, I breast fed and got up all the time at night.  He did nothing, and I was 100% fine because she was an easy baby and there was only one of her.  However he has enjoyed every stage since 6 months and can be an involved dad when he wants to be.  

    This time my husband is really overwhelmed.  He keeps saying he doesn't like the newborn stage, and doesn't want to get up overnight and help. It is a really tough adjustment for both of us.  My husband also only works outside the home as a part time teacher's assistant.  So I get really annoyed that he is not working and has no excuse to help me more.  

    I have been staying at my mom's often, she is a huge help to me.  This way my husband gets a break, and I get help.  I think keeping open communication is key.  My husband will tell me he is overwhelmed and needs a break, and I try to give him his breaks.  But I also tell him that I really appreciate it when he simply says - what can I do to help now.  


    Ella - 10/19/10
    Julia and Aubrey - 4/3/14


    zazu13
  • I don't know if our marriage would have survived the twins'  newborn stage without the perspective that comes from having been through this before with DS 1. I remember feeling trapped, having thoughts like "what have we done" and a lot of sadness that life as we knew it would never be the same. My advice is just to hang in there, be kind to each other, and acknowledge that this is really really hard - no matter what road you took to get here. And things will get so much better in a few months - I promise! For me 6-8 months is always a turning point, and then once you hit a year it's just magical. Your DH will get there, too! 
    image


    TTC #2 since July 2010
    FSH = 11 (20 on day 10 of CCCT)/ AMH = .98 / AFC=12ish
    5 IUI's with oral meds = all BFN
    March 2012 IVF (MDL Protocol) Started stims 3/3; ER 3/11 (9R, 8M, 7F) ET 3/16 (5dt of 2 blasts graded 3AB and 3BA, 3 frosties(!!) Beta 3/26 = 386; Beta 3/28 = 827; u/s 4/11 says TWINS! Boy/Girl Twins delivered at 36 weeks 6 days

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
    zazu13
  • zazu13zazu13 member
    @Millimeter‌ - mine are 8 weeks (3 adjusted). Thank you for sharing your story. Anxiety has been an issue in the past. I hadn't thought of that.

    @carrotcake06‌ thanks. I hope we find our groove soon!

    Age: 35 TTC since 2005, MFI & DOR 

    IVF #1 Sep '11 - canceled poor response

     IVF #2 Nov '11  8R/8M/4F 3dt x2 - chemical

    IVF #3 April '12  11R/6M/4F 3dt x2 - m/c

    FET #1 Aug 2012  3dt x2 - BFN

    **new RE**

     IVF #4 Jan '13 BFN 11R/6M/6F 5dt x2 - BFN

     IVF #5 July '13 16R/10M/10F 5dt x2 + 1 frostie

    9dp5dt Beta 1 = 344!! 16dp5dt. Beta 2 = 4822 7wk u/s= 2 heartbeats!

    Twin girls! 3/6/14

     

  • Can I just tell you how glad I am to read these responses and hear that I'm not the only one? DH does not handle babies well at ALL. He barely acknowledged DS's existence for the first year, unless he was expressing annoyance. I expected it would be just as bad with the twins, and I was right. I've thought for a long time that he's prone to depression, but he refuses to see anyone about it and I can only fight him on it do much. It got a lot better once DS was walking and talking, and I am hoping the same will hold true once these two are older.

    image
    Grant - 6/2/11
    Glenn and Caroline - 6/19/13

    zazu13
  • I so needed to read these posts tonight. I am having similar issues. I'm trying to take as much stress off my DH as possible by doing most of the care taking myself, and he helps for feedings when he is home as well as bedtime. I feel resentful that he doesn't do more at times (baths, diapers, changing clothes). He gets easily frustrated when plans get changed, or he can't get to the gym. Meanwhile I am just trying to take a shower every few days. The boys were especially rough tonight and I asked him to come home from the gym instead of stopping at the grocery store on the way home and it started a huge issue for the rest of the night of how we can't plan anything with twins. Of course I took them to two stores by myself today and was alone with them for several hours so he could go to an appt. he just doesn't get the newborn stage, as it sounds like a lot of the PP said the same thing. It's nice to know that others are having the same issues.
    Me (37) DH (39); PCOS changed to Unexplained, changed to DOR in 2012 (finally a correct diagnosis!); 
    Started TTC 2009 with RE after 6 months.  
    Clomid + Trigger x2; 
    IUI + Femara x1,
    IUI + Follistim x2;
    IVF #1 (MDL) February 2013- BFN.
    IVF #2 (antagonist) May 2013, First BFP of my life. 
    Identical twin miracle BOYS (!!) headed our way- due date is technically 2/4/14 but c section is scheduled for 1/7! 


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    zazu13
  • oh Zazu - I am so glad you posted this.  I am also experiencing a bit of this myself - he is great when they are happy and awake (or happy and sleeping) but when they fuss or cry - he has a really hard time.   I've said to him over and over that they are babies and babies cry - and there is a reason for it - so we have to work to figure that out (you can't just hold them and expect they will stop on their own).  But I can tell he gets frustrated and it in turn upsets me (and the babies).   I will say we are at 4 months now and it is already so much easier then it was when they were 2 months.  (((hugs))) you are not alone with this. 
     TTC #1 since 6/09
    Dx: PCOS and MFI
    3 IUIs, 4 IVFs = BFFN
      3rd RE: IVF #5/FET = BFP
    14dp5dt=1170 16dp5dt=2573

    1st u/s=
    TWINS!
    It's a Boy and a Girl!

    Born at 34w3d! 
     

    zazu13
  • Shel79Shel79 member
    My husband was the same way, and it made the first 6 months incredibly difficult. I tried talking to him and asking for more support and he told me he just didn't have more to give. I hated leaving the babies alone with him because I was afraid he would just kind of ignore them.
    That has all changed, thank goodness! They are now 13 months and he loves being around them. Now that they can play and be silly, he has turned into an amazing father. I hope your husband will feel the same way in a few months! Good luck!
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    zazu13jezebel57
  • zazu13zazu13 member
    Thank you, everyone. Im glad Im not the only one. We had a great day yesterday followed by a terrible night. I know he will be a good dad and he is trying, but Im definitely looking forward to the "magical" moments. He actually apologized this morning (not prompted by me) for losing his patience the night before. It's progress, I suppose. ((Hugs)) to anyone else struggling with this.

    Age: 35 TTC since 2005, MFI & DOR 

    IVF #1 Sep '11 - canceled poor response

     IVF #2 Nov '11  8R/8M/4F 3dt x2 - chemical

    IVF #3 April '12  11R/6M/4F 3dt x2 - m/c

    FET #1 Aug 2012  3dt x2 - BFN

    **new RE**

     IVF #4 Jan '13 BFN 11R/6M/6F 5dt x2 - BFN

     IVF #5 July '13 16R/10M/10F 5dt x2 + 1 frostie

    9dp5dt Beta 1 = 344!! 16dp5dt. Beta 2 = 4822 7wk u/s= 2 heartbeats!

    Twin girls! 3/6/14

     

    jezebel57
  • My husband is getting better as time goes on. He's like most men I know... not big on the squishy phase. as they become more interactive he's getting better
    Eat your food people. You are pregnant, not made of glass. ~PrimRoseMama
    The Benes Boys were born 9/3/13! woooo
    imageimage
    zazu13
  • My DH was terrible during the newborn stage.  He mostly just avoided them.  He would come home and find all these things that he had to do 'right now' (but really could have waited) so that by the time he finished, the babies would be sleeping or ready for bed. Those first few months I don't think DH did much at all.  He would take some night shifts but if the babies didnt' go right back down within like, 5 minutes, he'd just bring the crying baby to me and go back to sleep while I got her down.  It was so frustrating.  I think he didn't realize what a difficult time I was having taking on so much by myself until I had to go to the doctor and go on PPD meds.  Then it was like a light went on and he saw I was struggling and started helping more. 

     

    Also, they become so much more fun and interactive around 5-6 months, that he really responded to that. Now they see him and squeal with delight, they laugh and respond to his face and voice and he, in turn, has gotten more interested in them.  I find that he has a hard time just sitting on the floor playing with him.  Its like, he doesn't know what to do. He just hands them a toy and expects them to play happily while he checks his phone and I keep telling him, he needs to interact with them with the toy. But he doesn't get it. 

     

    He does much better in more structured interactive environments.  I started having him come out on errands with me and the girls on weekends or take them to restaurants (noisy casual places are great for 6 month olds) and he really likes watching them in these new environments.  At restaurants we sit them on our laps or in high chairs and they are so fun to watch as they take in a new environment.  I always let him push the stroller.  I think he kind of likes the attention we get when we go out in public.  We started a baby swimming class this past week.  He was a little ambivalent about it when I signed up but he was soo excited about it once we got in there and started playing with them in the water. Now he can't wait for the next class.  I'm thinking about trying to get him to go to some other baby and me classes.  The structured interaction was really good for him.  The teacher tells you exactly what to sing and what to do with the babies and the babies really respond to it.

     

    Try not to be critical of your DH and give him lots of positive reinforcement when he does take an interest.  It was hard for me to hold my tongue with DH because honestly, he sucked at most baby related things, but I didn't want to nag or criticize because he would just give up.  So, just try to stay positive with him and hopefully as the babies get a little older he'll start getting better with them!

     

    Good luck!

     

    image4months_2radioflyer
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker


     
    zazu13lks18
  • MH was kind disinterested in the girls when they were newborns but he was never crappy about them fussing or needing help. He helped every night, took five weeks of paternity leave... but still to him the girls were like screaming human meatloaves. He knew he had to take care of them but he didn't really consider "bonding" with the babies.

    Men look forward to playing with the kids, taking them to stuff, playing in the yard. YH needs to realize you're both in the freaking trenches right now. It will get better for him, he'll get that Daddy connection but it will take time. 
    no day but today~ RENT  *HEG survivors*
    ::where a sig pic would go if TB wasn't a d*ck::
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    somewhereincalizazu13
  • ckred27ckred27 member
    my DH was like this with our first baby, took a while for him to get on board.  A lot of it had to do w. the fact that the baby was so dependent on me and not him. When he got older and could interact more DH was a lot more hands on. After that he was very cuddly w. them at baby stage. Def was rocky w. the first one though, and he is still not as on the ball as I am. If the infants cry I want to take care of them right away while DH has no problem ignoring the crying and letting them go for a little while.

     POS+April 2009-M/c May 2009, POS+July 2009-M/c Aug 2009, POS+ Novemeber 2009 -Baby Boy Charlie DOB 07/06/2010, POS+July 2011-M/c and D&C Aug 2011, POS+Dec 2011 -Baby Boy Ethan DOB 07/27/2012, POS+Aug 2013-TWIN BOYS! Jack and Miles born March 23rd 2014!!

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    zazu13
  • JTA2426JTA2426 member
    My DH was like this too. He still has very little patience with fussing, and he tends to say things like "he only wants you." He also pouts about helping with things like bathtime and outings. However, he is starting to enjoy them more each month. The newborn stage was hard for him too, but the worst was 4-5 months old. I did my best build him up, and now he has them alone for a few hours several days a week and barely complains. So basically what PP have said- you aren't alone, and it gets easier. Good luck!
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    zazu13
  • My husband is the same. I had never even seen him around babie before our boys were born. I pretty much do everything by myself because when I ask him to help he gives me some excuse that he has something else to do. He still acts as if we don't have kids sometimes (playing the tv loudly during naptime, etc) so I guess it's just an adjustment they have to make. My boys are only 5 months so hopefully he will get better with helping but it's nice to know I'm not the only one who's DH isn't very helpful. Good luck to you! Sometimes you just have to tell him to do things. Sometimes I will just say "Daddy's gonna get you ready for bed tonight!" And just hand him the babies. It's not often that I do that, but it would be nice if he would offer to help sometimes! I'm exclusively breastfeeding too so he can't really help much at night.

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    zazu13
  • ceechieceechie member
    Men can have ppd and PPA, also. I'd highly suggest getting him into his dr. Your ob might have some insight on this. I knew a couple where the husband had PPD, and it was hard to diagnose. All the hugs.
    zazu13somewhereincali[Deleted User]
  • Your babies are so little still, it's a very overwhelming for you and him. I think it's an adjustment period and he will hopefully get better with them once they are a little older and more interactive. In the beginning me and DH would give each other "me" time as much as we could and it helped a lot. For example I would run him a bath or vice versa and we would have a nice 20 minute break from the chaos. Or I would put the girls in the car for a drive and nap and he could have some peace and quiet for an hour, things like that. I know for us it got better around 3-4 months. Now that they laugh, smile crawl and play it is so much more fun! It seems like ages from now for you I'm sure but you will get there. Until then give each other breaks, talk about how you feel and try to laugh together.
    [url=http://www.thebump.com/?utm_source=ticker&utm_medium=UBB&utm_campaign=tickers][img]http://global.thebump.com/tickers/tt16696f.aspx[/img][/url]
    zazu13
  • zazu13zazu13 member
    @Ashb62 - creepy internet hugs accepted. Today was better. I left him for 4 hours to attend a graduation dinner. His dad came to help, but it sounds like everything went well and he and both girls were happy when I got home. Hope overnight goes well too

    Age: 35 TTC since 2005, MFI & DOR 

    IVF #1 Sep '11 - canceled poor response

     IVF #2 Nov '11  8R/8M/4F 3dt x2 - chemical

    IVF #3 April '12  11R/6M/4F 3dt x2 - m/c

    FET #1 Aug 2012  3dt x2 - BFN

    **new RE**

     IVF #4 Jan '13 BFN 11R/6M/6F 5dt x2 - BFN

     IVF #5 July '13 16R/10M/10F 5dt x2 + 1 frostie

    9dp5dt Beta 1 = 344!! 16dp5dt. Beta 2 = 4822 7wk u/s= 2 heartbeats!

    Twin girls! 3/6/14

     

    ceechie[Deleted User]Pittpanther
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