UO

Lelo2006

maryannespier said:

@Lelo2006‌ it's okay. just thought an illustrative example of hurtful words might be helpful in this situation.

You know what's funny/sad? I was trying to think of an instance where I've said something that hurtful to someone and in my entire life, it's been to my husband and sister, the two people I love and treasure the most. How horrible!

sdtchica13

I am not even touching the food UO's or the sexual harassment comparison, except to say that I agree with etoille. I am boring as hell this week and have no UO to add to this conversation, however, I need to know...what happened to Jackson? What did I miss?

Carrie3102

maryannespier said:

@Carrie3102‌ the thing is, in that situation, it's ok I was hurt and upset. I don't have to get over it quickly if that's not my personality. I don't think telling people to get over hate speech is all that helpful. It also places blame on a victim when it should be placed squarely on a perpetrator.

Yeah I never said it wasn't ok to have hurt feelings... I even said I had my feelings hurt too from time to time... but, I don't dwell on it... I just don't... if you do, fine, but you're choosing to be angry... and the person is an ass either way... so why continue to be hurt and angry, it doesn't change the situation it just makes you miserable.  No one can hurt you if you don't let them (with words).

If you let them hurt you, they win.  I don't like to lose so I generally blow those assholes off, or tell them off, or do something of shock value to throw it back in their faces on rare occasion I've been known to throw a few punches, but that's usually not if the bug me but if they bug my siblings...

In general it doesn't hurt to let the asshat know they are being an asshat, but why dwell on it?  If you can't let go of something a random internet stranger or person on the street or even a "friend" says, then you need to work on that.  No one determines your self worth but you. *

*collective you.

[Deleted User]

The user and all related content has been deleted.

Carrie3102

  I wish I could post with out having to quote someone first.

 

I think you're all missing the point.  I'm saying I don't know why the butthurt lingers around here... I don't let people get to me IRL, I move on, I don't dwell on it, I let it go.  I'm not saying you can't be hurt, I'm not saying feelings don't get hurt, I'm saying we dwell on it for far too long and too often around here... on a WHOLE SHIT LOAD of topics. 

lancomechica

Where is @somerandomchick‌ ??

lancomechica

Carrie3102

NKaeding said:

@carrie3102: The difference to me is this. I believe that everyone here is coming from a good place. No one is trying to be shameful, offensive or mean. So providing feedback on their comments should be helpful and constructive. If I'm out of line, I'd want people to tell me that I'm being hurtful. That is very different than sexual harrassment or bullying. That's about power and control. --From someone who suffered from low self-eestem her entire childhood because people are really mean to smart kids with physical disabilities.

I also had very low self esteem growing up, I was fat for a while, kids are mean about that, I'm a little backwards, they are SO mean about that, and I didn't wear abercrombie or even american eagle, which meant I was at best on the "B" list and most times on the "C" list.  I didn't get invited to parties, I never got asked to prom, I was in general not popular (except during softball season) and even then it was only because I was awesome. (toot toot... I was)

So, it's not like this view is coming from the "popular" kid... it's coming from one of the hohum losers... I just decided one day that it wasn't worth it to let these people dictate my happiness.  So I don't take shit from anyone, and I don't let their shit get me down (for long), if it's coming from someone I know and love, I generally tell them they hurt me and why, then move the fuck on, if it's coming from a stranger, I just let it roll off... I don't let their words dictate my self worth.  I used to, for a long time I did... but I don't anymore.

[Deleted User]

The user and all related content has been deleted.

Carrie3102

Can I just say how glad I am that the talk shifted from food

You are all VERY welcome...

I stand by my comments however.  I do think there's too much dwelling on words. Non sexual harrassment words, or other hate speech words...

We used to talk about pulling up our big girl panties... where did all the big girl panties go?

Carrie3102

etoille said:

Chunkymonkeylvr said:

Enlighten me. What are these bigger issues I need to hash out? My only point is that for someone to say "if you get butt hurt by what someone says it's on you" to equate that with me being okay with sexual harassment is asinine.

It's not.  

You specifically said "fat" and "ugly".  If you overheard those things being said about you at work, you could sue for hostile work environment.  If someone said "look at her thighs, they are way too big for that skirt" and such over time - that's textbook hostile work environment/sexual harassment.

I don't understand why the same "don't let words affect you/get to you" doesn't apply.

For me it does apply, I don't give a shit what people think about me being fat/not fat whatever, I guess I would never sue over that because oh well... man, maybe I've missed the "pay-out" boat a time or two... because that's not harrassment to me... telling other people you are making my job intentionally more difficult and trying to make me look bad because you don't like that I work from home 3 days/week, that's more harrassing to me than someone saying I'm fat... FTR the last sentance has taken place. 

jemasa33

Wow I knew something was missing but I didn't realize it was Jackson. Where did she go?!!! I haven't been on that often lately because of work and school.

Carrie3102

NKaeding said:

Carrie3102 said:

NKaeding said:

@carrie3102: The difference to me is this. I believe that everyone here is coming from a good place. No one is trying to be shameful, offensive or mean. So providing feedback on their comments should be helpful and constructive. If I'm out of line, I'd want people to tell me that I'm being hurtful. That is very different than sexual harrassment or bullying. That's about power and control. --From someone who suffered from low self-eestem her entire childhood because people are really mean to smart kids with physical disabilities.

I also had very low self esteem growing up, I was fat for a while, kids are mean about that, I'm a little backwards, they are SO mean about that, and I didn't wear abercrombie or even american eagle, which meant I was at best on the "B" list and most times on the "C" list.  I didn't get invited to parties, I never got asked to prom, I was in general not popular (except during softball season) and even then it was only because I was awesome. (toot toot... I was)

So, it's not like this view is coming from the "popular" kid... it's coming from one of the hohum losers... I just decided one day that it wasn't worth it to let these people dictate my happiness.  So I don't take shit from anyone, and I don't let their shit get me down (for long), if it's coming from someone I know and love, I generally tell them they hurt me and why, then move the fuck on, if it's coming from a stranger, I just let it roll off... I don't let their words dictate my self worth.  I used to, for a long time I did... but I don't anymore.

I'm really proud that you could overcome that like I did. 

That said, I'm just a lot more understanding, apparently, of those who haven't had the ability to do that yet. 

I wouldn't say you are more understanding, I'd say I'm just more proactive about trying to help them get to where I got to, the point of loving me for me, and fuck you if you don't. 

I'm not saying their feelings aren't valid, they are, but at the same time, you have to stand up and say, I'm going to love me no matter what, because damn it I'm a good person, I have lots of love in my life, I treat people well, and if you don't like that, then fuck you... I'm fantastic!

Stina2012

Carrie3102 said:

Can I just say how glad I am that the talk shifted from food

You are all VERY welcome...

I stand by my comments however.  I do think there's too much dwelling on words. Non sexual harrassment words, or other hate speech words...

We used to talk about pulling up our big girl panties... where did all the big girl panties go?

You cannot take all the credit for the topic shift. KARATE KID!

Carrie3102

llmg0715 said:

Carrie3102 said:

maryannespier said:

@Carrie3102‌ the thing is, in that situation, it's ok I was hurt and upset. I don't have to get over it quickly if that's not my personality. I don't think telling people to get over hate speech is all that helpful. It also places blame on a victim when it should be placed squarely on a perpetrator.

Yeah I never said it wasn't ok to have hurt feelings... I even said I had my feelings hurt too from time to time... but, I don't dwell on it... I just don't... if you do, fine, but you're choosing to be angry... and the person is an ass either way... so why continue to be hurt and angry, it doesn't change the situation it just makes you miserable.  No one can hurt you if you don't let them (with words).

If you let them hurt you, they win.  I don't like to lose so I generally blow those assholes off, or tell them off, or do something of shock value to throw it back in their faces on rare occasion I've been known to throw a few punches, but that's usually not if the bug me but if they bug my siblings...

In general it doesn't hurt to let the asshat know they are being an asshat, but why dwell on it?  If you can't let go of something a random internet stranger or person on the street or even a "friend" says, then you need to work on that.  No one determines your self worth but you. *

*collective you.

I agree with you to a certain extent. I get hurt when the asshat is a friend or family member. If it's someone else I can blow them off with your thinking but when it's someone close to my heart I carry it FOREVER. Sticks and stones weigh heavier with emotion.

Yeah but do you talk to them about it?  My sister has said some really hurtful things to me in the past and I have to her as well, but we've talked about it, hashed it out, apologized and moved on.

You are right, it's harder to get over with people you love, but, if you've discussed it and talked it out, and apologized or whetever, do you still carry it forever?  I remember what she said that hurt me, I also remember why she said it, and I don't let it bother me anymore. 

jemasa33

I wish I could be one of those people who dont care what other people think. I agree that it is easier said than done. People are mean and sometimes it is hard not to take it personally.

Carrie3102

etoille said:

Carrie3102 said:

etoille said:

Chunkymonkeylvr said:

Enlighten me. What are these bigger issues I need to hash out? My only point is that for someone to say "if you get butt hurt by what someone says it's on you" to equate that with me being okay with sexual harassment is asinine.

It's not.  

You specifically said "fat" and "ugly".  If you overheard those things being said about you at work, you could sue for hostile work environment.  If someone said "look at her thighs, they are way too big for that skirt" and such over time - that's textbook hostile work environment/sexual harassment.

I don't understand why the same "don't let words affect you/get to you" doesn't apply.

For me it does apply, I don't give a shit what people think about me being fat/not fat whatever, I guess I would never sue over that because oh well... man, maybe I've missed the "pay-out" boat a time or two... because that's not harrassment to me... telling other people you are making my job intentionally more difficult and trying to make me look bad because you don't like that I work from home 3 days/week, that's more harrassing to me than someone saying I'm fat... FTR the last sentance has taken place. 

I mean that's at least an internally consistent position.  I may not agree with it  (again as it applies to other people/saying how I handle things should be how EVERYONE handles things - because you and I handle things very similarly) but at least you're consistent.

You can't say "you shouldn't care what other people say" some of the time - which is the point I am trying to drive home with @chunkymonkeylvr.

Maybe I am portraying and even saying that my way is best here, I'm sorry for that, but as I said last week, if I didn't think it was best I wouldn't be doing it ...

I feel like there'd be less angst if more people could try to do that... does that make sense?  Like seriously, what good does it do anyone to stay all pissed off over a comment about something someone said... if I did that or you did that, we likely would still not be speaking to eachother... the early days were rough on the @etoille /Carrie3102 combo... but we get along fine, hell I like you, I really do, I just know that there are certain topics we just in general don't agree on, I don't hold that against you, and I don't think you hold it against me. We were able to "letitgo"

 

Clyde013

So many inappropriate 'sexual harassment' type of comments in my office. Specifically on my team being I'm the only female. If I would write them all down I could easily self publish a short book. It's nonstop and all around. When I give official notice that I'm leaving I will definitely bring some of the things up. But for me, for now, it's more important to keep the peace.

Carrie3102

etoille said:

Also when Pants gets his feelings hurt I am going to give him a big hug and tell him not to worry about what other people say.

But if he still does I am not going to make him feel like a weak idiot for doing so.

Ouch... I was not calling people weak idiots at all

Clyde013

etoille said:

Also when Pants gets his feelings hurt I am going to give him a big hug and tell him not to worry about what other people say.

But if he still does I am not going to make him feel like a weak idiot for doing so.

Omg I fccking love this. Especially the last line. I wish I could love tit this a million time :x

Carrie3102

etoille said:

Carrie3102 said:

etoille said:

Also when Pants gets his feelings hurt I am going to give him a big hug and tell him not to worry about what other people say.

But if he still does I am not going to make him feel like a weak idiot for doing so.

Ouch... I was not calling people weak idiots at all

No - not you duder.  Sorry if that was unclear.

That was to the person who brought my son up and asked how I would handle the situation.

I don't think that person was calling anyone weak idiots either... misunderstaning likely?  White knighting in progress...

arlingirl

Asbromle said:

Also, I weigh 105lbs and I want to lose another 2lbs before summer or maybe I want to lose another 3lbs or another 4lbs or maybe another 5lbs. Maybe I want to weigh 98lbs before summer. Judge the shit out of that. I'm sure it's totes unpopular. But that's my decision to make and if that's what I want to do then support me unless I post a damn picture of myself looking anorexic. 

I just won't be your friend because you don't like chocolate cake. You're wrong.

[-X

sparkymcgeee

Chunkymonkeylvr said:

Thanks Carrie but I don't need a white knight.

I do think that if etollie does have a problem with me and things I have said in another thread she should talk to me about it either pm or something. Beating around the bush isn't my style.

I was going to make a pervy joke. Decided not to but the quote box was already there. Think of some pervy jokes.

Carrie3102

Mamasighs said:

This board is going to self destruct.

Nah... it won't... I'll still be here... and I'm the coolest of all the cool kids so... there's that.

arlingirl

michnfrankstake2 said:

People who post their workouts on fb are assholes.  Get over yourself.  You're not motivating anyone.  You're just bragging. 

I will brag if I want to. At least I didn't lean all damn day.

stephyfaith

Ultimately me (or anyone) that holds onto butthurt feelings is only hurting themselves. If so and so says something awful or hurtful to me, me being hurt/angry/mad about it will not hurt the other person. Holding onto that stuff just hurts us in the long run and the other person "wins". Learning to let go of hurtful things is critical in living a happy life.

I'm so sick of people who instead of coming out and saying "I don't like you because I disagree with you" just ignore you or whatever else. Passive aggressive behavior is frustrating. I also don't understand why some people who disagree on things can't be friends. If that was real life, a good majority of us wouldn't be talking to each other at all. It feels like sleep deprivation has taken its toll (or something!) because almost all I see on here is arguing and hurt.

Carrie3102

mainerocks said:

I think that one can go with the "I don't let words hurt me" mantra but still not put up with sh!t. For example in the sexual harassment situation, one could go to HR with that information with the goal to end harassment, thereby making the workplace more enjoyable and thereby (hopefully) preventing the same from happening to other women.  That doesn't mean the person is "letting the words hurt".

I feel like maybe this is getting lost in discussion?  Just because one doesn't let the words affect their day doesn't mean they ignore the words completely.

Or maybe everyone already got that. If so, ignore.

BRAVO!!!! and thanks for typing out my thoughts... PS get out of my head!!

[Deleted User]

The user and all related content has been deleted.

Carrie3102

@Laurendag what's a yeap? 

 

It will not self destruct.  It's no worse than it has been in the past... it will naturally go through periods of dysfunction and then go back to puppies and rainbows and then swing back again.

sparkymcgeee

@Etoille I had the joke but thought it was tasteless.
I'm not witty enough to think of a biden / Underwood joke.

arlingirl

@Asbromle‌ ...you know I love you.

Carrie3102

etoille said:

Meimsx said:

@Etoille I had the joke but thought it was tasteless. I'm not witty enough to think of a biden / Underwood joke.

A - don't think things could get much worse in this thread right now  don't worry about poor taste.

B - Yes you are.

back to not being able to respond with out quoting... FFS...

I want to hear your joke @meimsx you are plenty witty.

EVA116

arlingirl said:

People who post their workouts on fb are assholes.  Get over yourself.  You're not motivating anyone.  You're just bragging. 

I will brag if I want to. At least I didn't lean all damn day.

What does that mean? Not trying to be snarky.

Stina2012

EVA116 said:

arlingirl said:

People who post their workouts on fb are assholes.  Get over yourself.  You're not motivating anyone.  You're just bragging. 

I will brag if I want to. At least I didn't lean all damn day.

What does that mean? Not trying to be snarky.

If you got time to lean, you got time to clean.

#oldj13joke

[Deleted User]

The user and all related content has been deleted.

EVA116

Was that in the same thread about "if you have one child your house should be clean"

Stina2012

Mamasighs said:

This board is going to self destruct.

Ahem.....did you not see my Karate Kid video?

In terms of my Parenting perspective.... LA FLAMA BLANCA

Oh shit, I think his body's rejecting the Pepsi.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W7uJGn_E_Xo

arlingirl

EVA116 said:

arlingirl said:

michnfrankstake2 said:

People who post their workouts on fb are assholes.  Get over yourself.  You're not motivating anyone.  You're just bragging. 

I will brag if I want to. At least I didn't lean all damn day.

What does that mean? Not trying to be snarky.


Haha it's a joke from months back. Michnfrankstake said something about "if you have time to lean you have time to clean". It didn't go over
well...

Everyone else's fingers are too fast.

Carrie3102

mermomo5 said:

Geez.. Okay school is supposed to be great and kids are supposed to love going. Kids shouldn't be mean and call others names. In truth school can suck and kids can and are mean. Everyone is going to handle it differently and if you don't internalize it props to you. If you go through adult life never being offended you are a bigger person than me. I think my kids are cool but that sure as hell doesn't mean everyone else will. I listen to them, console them and sure as hell don't tell them to get the F over it, maybe a parenting flaw. I also don't agree that two wrongs make a right so I prefer my 6 yr old not tell off another 6 yr old. Knowing my delaney I'm pretty sure she could give the biggest debater on the board a run for their money.. But seriously people handle things differently and who the hell am I to tell them how to feel..

Ok... 1.  I was never told to get the F over it, nor would I tell anyone else to.  I was told that I shouldn't let it get to me, that I was a good person and yaddy yadda.  My parents were trying to teach me how to handle being rejected, because everyone is at some point.

2.  Two wrongs definitely don't make a right HOWEVER it is MY opinion that you need to learn to stand up for yourself and sometimes that includes telling people where to get off... I was taught not to be a door mat, and I will teach my kids the same.  I was also taught to be kind to everyone, until they gave you reason not to.  Which I will also teach my kids.

3.  I didn't tell people how to feel, I said that people shouldn't dwell on thing so much.  That there comes a point where you are allowing yourself to be upset, and you can choose not to be. 

arlingirl

My mom asked me what I did when the baby was asleep.

Me: nothing. Read, relax.

Mom: you should be cleaning. HELL NO.

That one hour (if I'm lucky) is ME time.