Hi everyone. I've been lurking for a few months but now I feel strong enough to post without turning into too much of a weepy mess.
H and I lost our twins, I have a gut feeling they were boys, January 6th. I was only about 8 weeks along. We were shocked when the ultrasound proved I was indeed pregnant. We weren't planning on trying for another few years. Exactly two days after we found out I woke up in extreme pain. H rushed me to the ER and just like that they were gone. The only people that know in real life are H, my best friend of 8 years, and my birth mom. (I was adopted in an open adoption so my birth parents are actively part of my life.) I didn't tell my adopted parents because my mom had six mc.s before they adopted me. She still struggles with it and I don't want my dad to have to keep things from her. I hate when people feel bad for me so that's why I haven't told anyone who didn't know I was pregnant. I spent a week in bed, crying and hardly eating. Then I started writing. I
wrote my boys a lot of letters, poems, and stories. I don't want to name
them. I think that if I do I'll burst into tears when ever I hear their
names; so I just call them my angles. It's been two, almost three, months now and life is just starting to get back to normal again. H seems back to being himself. He's been a sweetheart. Even though I can
tell he gets frustrated with me crying he still holds me.
The hardest part for me is my best friend is pregnant with her second. She's due a week before I was due. We had a lot of conversations about future play dates and daydreaming about what if our kids got married. She's been careful around me which I'm grateful for. I get really sad when I see her growing belly, but I'm happy for her. I've been spoiling my nephew a lot (her son calls me Auntie). She's a bit worried that I seem so "numb" to loosing my boys. My view of it is I grieved. I still grieve every time I think about them, but I've seen my mom still grieving almost 30 years later. I want to be happy for life, for their short lives. Happy that I got to see them on the ultrasound and got to hear their heart beats. I don't know I'm torn. Maybe I just handle loss oddly.