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Vintagelove4 · March 2014

Hi everyone. I've been lurking for a few months but now I feel strong enough to post without turning into too much of a weepy mess.

H and I lost our twins, I have a gut feeling they were boys, January 6th. I was only about 8 weeks along. We were shocked when the ultrasound proved I was indeed pregnant. We weren't planning on trying for another few years. Exactly two days after we found out I woke up in extreme pain. H rushed me to the ER and just like that they were gone. The only people that know in real life are H, my best friend of 8 years, and my birth mom. (I was adopted in an open adoption so my birth parents are actively part of my life.) I didn't tell my adopted parents because my mom had six mc.s before they adopted me. She still struggles with it and I don't want my dad to have to keep things from her. I hate when people feel bad for me so that's why I haven't told anyone who didn't know I was pregnant. I spent a week in bed, crying and hardly eating. Then I started writing. I wrote my boys a lot of letters, poems, and stories. I don't want to name them. I think that if I do I'll burst into tears when ever I hear their names; so I just call them my angles. It's been two, almost three, months now and life is just starting to get back to normal again. H seems back to being himself. He's been a sweetheart. Even though I can tell he gets frustrated with me crying he still holds me.

The hardest part for me is my best friend is pregnant with her second. She's due a week before I was due. We had a lot of conversations about future play dates and daydreaming about what if our kids got married. She's been careful around me which I'm grateful for. I get really sad when I see her growing belly, but I'm happy for her. I've been spoiling my nephew a lot (her son calls me Auntie). She's a bit worried that I seem so "numb" to loosing my boys. My view of it is I grieved. I still grieve every time I think about them, but I've seen my mom still grieving almost 30 years later. I want to be happy for life, for their short lives. Happy that I got to see them on the ultrasound and got to hear their heart beats. I don't know I'm torn. Maybe I just handle loss oddly.

Vintagelove4 · March 2014

My mom has been a lot better so the last thing I would want to do is bring all of those memories back up. No one should have to feel this way. Ever. It made me look at her and realize how strong she is.

stephy1221 · March 2014

I am so sorry for your losses. Please know you will find support here so when you don't want to turn to people in your day to day life we are here. hugs.

AggieBeth06 · March 2014

***pregnancy mentioned***

Thanks for sharing your story. I'm so sorry you went through this and can empathize for having a friend due at the same time (one of mine is due a day after my EDD, albeit she isn't my BFF). My SIL is also about to have a baby. It is so hard to be supportive for her while I'm still grieving. However, I think you're on the right path trying to be positive.

Everyone processes loss differently, so please don't take this like I'm telling you what to do, but rather sharing an epiphany I had.

Yesterday was a super hard day for me. My family is very close, but the last few months have been hard to get together because of my hospital stay and loss. We had our first family dinner since I got my BFP in January... It was at that dinner that I realized I needed to test (I felt full... I only ever feel that way when pregnant). Then my 9 month pregnant SIL asked me to borrow our rocking chair, and I begrudgingly said yes. To me, I heard an obvious undertone left hanging - "since you're not going to need it now, can I use it"?

I woke up at about 4 am as was unable to go back to sleep - envy eating at me. It took me a little bit but then I realized that I needed to be more appreciative of my blessings and enjoy the life I have.

My brother and SIL are building literally across a creek from us... I have no choice but to figure out how to handle things, because like it or not, it will be in my face and I won't be able to escape unless I want to never leave my house.

I realized that I could allow envy to destroy the beautiful relationship we have or stop comparing myself to her. All the comparisons in the world won't bring my baby back.

Anyway - again I know everyone is different and I'll still have hard days with this... But my niece is coming soon. I could really miss out on something huge in our family if I didn't start dealing now.

(((Hugs))) I hope that you are able to find your path, whether it be laying low for a bit longer or coping with things gradually or whatever else feels best.

ambmama · March 2014

*ticker warning*

I'm so sorry for your losses. I agree everyone grieves differently. I'm outwardly pretty calm and most people probably would say I'm not acting sad. I just do a lot of internal grieving.

I was due in October and saw my baby's heartbeat at 8 weeks 12 hours before I started to miscarry. There's not another feeling in the world that can compare to the realization that in a short time, things changed so drastically. My heart breaks for you that you lost the boys in a similar fashion.

Please let us know if you need anything! I'm here for you! Hugs.

Vintagelove4 · March 2014

@amerhoon I'm so sorry that you went through a similar loss! Hugs! It gave me a whole new take on time.

@aggiebeth06 I live pretty far away from her so it's not too much. She doesn't complain to me about her symptoms anymore like she did with my nephew. I think she understands on some level. She asks how I'm healing and if I just tell her about my physical healing progress she's okay with that. If I tell her more then she is okay with that too.

AggieBeth06 · March 2014

@Lilyrose4242‌ - sounds like you have a wonderful friendship, even if it can be hard. I am happy for you but also empathize for your pain. It is very hard. (((Hugs)))

dandb925 · March 2014

I'm so sorry for your losses. Like everyone said, people grieve differently. You're handling this terrible loss the way you personally can. It's ok to cry and feel sad and to get angry. We're here to listen and support you and I hope it helps you to heal.

Maxsmommy123112 · March 2014

I am so sorry for the loss of your babies. I think it's important to allow yourself to grieve in the way you are comfortable. I admire your outlook and imagine your babies would want you to remember them but live a happy fulfilled life at the same time. I try to remind myself that babies don't like to see their mommies sad. I know my babies are looking down on me and are probably sad because their mommy is sad.

Be happy when you're happy and sad when you're sad. There is no wrong or right way.

I think it's amazing that you write to your babies. What a beautiful way to honor their memory.

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