The cruelty of a child (Rant and vent, need suggestions)

Cocoasushi

*I'm posting this in a couple of different places, looking for suggestions. I know she's not my child, but she lives with me*

A little backstory first: I live with my husband and our daughter. His brother, our niece, and his brother's girlfriend rent the upstairs of our home. We rent it out very cheap to them, let them use the downstairs kitchen and bathrooms freely, I even cook their dinner since I'm the only unemployed of the four adults in the home. The catch is that he has to go to school full time. He was a young single father who dropped out of highschool and got messed up in drugs, joined a band, and got a groupie pregnant. As long as he stays in college his family is welcome to stay here. My daughter (4) is respectful to all adults, does as she's told, and plays nice with her cousin. Her cousin (5), who I'll call "T", is another story. She is defiant, constantly in trouble, and downright mean.

Tomorrow will make 3 weeks since my son was born sleeping. He was born at 19 weeks and had severe spina bifida and hydrocephalus. We named him Link as that's what our daughter had nicknamed him months ago. Everyone knew we were expecting, including the kids here in our home, so the loss was devastating to the whole family... except "T". When I came home from the hospital, we explained to her that I was no longer pregnant and that her cousin was very sick and didn't survive. She giggled and skipped off. I am left babysitting her as, like I said, I'm the only one of the adults who is unemployed here. I know I'm not ready to keep her by myself because she's so hard on me, but I get left with her with very little notice so there's no way I could find someone else to keep her. Some of the things she says to me are horrible. She looked at me a few days ago and said, "Hey Ena (my nickname), I sure can't wait to have a baby! How about you? Can you wait to have a baby? Oh, that's right, yours DIED!!!". This morning she and my daughter were watching a video of a Mario game being played on youtube when she stood up, looked me straight in the eye and says, "Oh no!!! Mario's baby is dead! THE BABY IS DEAD!" and smiles. There was no baby in the video...

If I'm here alone with her, I can't send her to her room. While she's upstairs alone, she doesn't stay in her room. She will sneak into her father's room. She climbs dressers, destroys things, cuts her hair off and hurts herself. If she is upstairs alone in my care and gets seriously hurt, I have no way to get her to a hospital because my husband and I share a car, and I refuse to be responsible for her getting seriously hurt. I thought that maybe I was being overly sensitive, but her father's girlfriend also lost a son at 19 weeks a few years ago and has never heard "T" say anything like this to her. She doesn't say these things to anyone but me. She has been put in timeout, we've explained how these things hurt me, she's even had her butt busted. Nothing gets through to her. I'm at my wits end.   

Have any of you ever had to deal with a child like this? I really don't know what to do. If it weren't for the fact that she lives with me I wouldn't be around her at all. She only sees her mother every other weekend, and can't stay with her for longer than that legally, so her going somewhere else isn't an option. If we kick them out, he will have to leave school and work full time to afford an apartment. No form of punishment works on this child at all for anything. She's been seeing a child psychologist, but it's not doing her any good. I have no clue what to do...

FmrAFBrat

What is the backstory on the little girl? Has she always lived with her dad? I honestly smell abuse of some sort in her past & generally it's really bad when a child that young is in therapy.

lauralew

I would ask her dad to talk to her therapist about the behavior and get sine tools for handling it. Her therapist is there for her caregivers just as much as she's there for child. Really, children that young need their caregivers to provide a specific environment or therapy won't really do much. I also encourage everyone to fInd a different means to discipline her other than spanking. It is not an effective way to create lasting behavior change. Her therapist should be able to give her dad/you the tools for this. It's hard to remember a child is just a child when they are hurting/defying you so badly. But I'd venture to guess her short five years have been far from ideal. I would completely ignore her comments, but if she says anything remotely kind to you be sure to praise the crap out of her. Good luck...thus sounds like a tricky and hurtful situation.

lauralew

^ sorry for any errors/weird words...I'm mobile.

Cocoasushi

Sadly you're correct, her parents were both very young and involved in drugs when they were together. They were together until she was about 2, and she was neglected a lot. Her life has not been easy at all, and I do understand that her outbursts are usually because she's so used to negative attention being the only attention she got. Life is different for her now, but I understand those things don't just go away. The spanking is usually a last resort, and I don't personally do it with her or my daughter. 

Her father and I got her talking earlier and she admitted that she just likes upsetting me and making me cry. I've never been anything but good to her. I'm honestly more of a mother to her than her own biological mother. Her father handles everything with her therapist, but I think I may start getting involved too (as much as I can, anyway).   

Mom2anAngel2

I don't have any advise but I wanted to say that I am very sorry for your loss and for this difficult situation you are in.

lauralew

Cocoasushi said:

Sadly you're correct, her parents were both very young and involved in drugs when they were together. They were together until she was about 2, and she was neglected a lot. Her life has not been easy at all, and I do understand that her outbursts are usually because she's so used to negative attention being the only attention she got. Life is different for her now, but I understand those things don't just go away. The spanking is usually a last resort, and I don't personally do it with her or my daughter. 

Her father and I got her talking earlier and she admitted that she just likes upsetting me and making me cry. I've never been anything but good to her. I'm honestly more of a mother to her than her own biological mother. Her father handles everything with her therapist, but I think I may start getting involved too (as much as I can, anyway).   

As a family therapist, in my experience we love having all the caregivers/adults involved in a child's life also involved in the therapy process. Dad can probably sign a release to allow that, but will also have the right to revoke that permission at any time. It actually sounds like she feels very safe with you. I call it the secret love test...How hard can I push this person until they stop living me?? I imagine because she feels safe with you she knows she can take her negative feelings out on you without you leaving her. Children in general crave consistency and stability. I think you provide that. Big hugs. This is a difficult situation.

Cocoasushi

lauralew said:

Sadly you're correct, her parents were both very young and involved in drugs when they were together. They were together until she was about 2, and she was neglected a lot. Her life has not been easy at all, and I do understand that her outbursts are usually because she's so used to negative attention being the only attention she got. Life is different for her now, but I understand those things don't just go away. The spanking is usually a last resort, and I don't personally do it with her or my daughter. 

Her father and I got her talking earlier and she admitted that she just likes upsetting me and making me cry. I've never been anything but good to her. I'm honestly more of a mother to her than her own biological mother. Her father handles everything with her therapist, but I think I may start getting involved too (as much as I can, anyway).   

As a family therapist, in my experience we love having all the caregivers/adults involved in a child's life also involved in the therapy process. Dad can probably sign a release to allow that, but will also have the right to revoke that permission at any time. It actually sounds like she feels very safe with you. I call it the secret love test...How hard can I push this person until they stop living me?? I imagine because she feels safe with you she knows she can take her negative feelings out on you without you leaving her. Children in general crave consistency and stability. I think you provide that. Big hugs. This is a difficult situation.

You've made me feel a lot better about the whole situation. I'm discussing things with her father, and he's very open to having me involved with her therapist because I'm involved in every day of her life.

lauralew

Cocoasushi said:

lauralew said:

Cocoasushi said:

Sadly you're correct, her parents were both very young and involved in drugs when they were together. They were together until she was about 2, and she was neglected a lot. Her life has not been easy at all, and I do understand that her outbursts are usually because she's so used to negative attention being the only attention she got. Life is different for her now, but I understand those things don't just go away. The spanking is usually a last resort, and I don't personally do it with her or my daughter. 

Her father and I got her talking earlier and she admitted that she just likes upsetting me and making me cry. I've never been anything but good to her. I'm honestly more of a mother to her than her own biological mother. Her father handles everything with her therapist, but I think I may start getting involved too (as much as I can, anyway).   

As a family therapist, in my experience we love having all the caregivers/adults involved in a child's life also involved in the therapy process. Dad can probably sign a release to allow that, but will also have the right to revoke that permission at any time. It actually sounds like she feels very safe with you. I call it the secret love test...How hard can I push this person until they stop living me?? I imagine because she feels safe with you she knows she can take her negative feelings out on you without you leaving her. Children in general crave consistency and stability. I think you provide that. Big hugs. This is a difficult situation.

You've made me feel a lot better about the whole situation. I'm discussing things with her father, and he's very open to having me involved with her therapist because I'm involved in every day of her life.


I'm glad I could help! And I'm happy he's so willing to involve you in her therapy. She deserves to be happier, and you can help with that. It's hard when you feel helpless as a parent/caregiver. Take care of you, too!!

BootsOrHearts

Family or not, I don't think you owe theses people as much as you've given them. You are a very generous person to do so much but if you are at your wits end with this child then it's time to put your foot down and refuse to watch her at minimum or give them some notice and ask them to find a new place to live.whatever her issues are, is this a child you want your own child interacting with?? She is not your responsibility and I think you have to put your own family and sanity first.