XP need advice (long) (also on blended family)

freeatlast2014

I've posted a few times and hope to get some perspective from you all.

My XH and I are in beginning stages of divorce. We have 2 kids under 3. He is emotionally, verbally, financially and to some extent physically abusive. I had a chance to get a PO and didn't take it and so we coexist under 1 roof. I Decided this weekend to take the kids to my family's for the weekend and told XH will be back on sun via text. When I got there after work I found out he closed out our bank accounts. I did take money to hold a few weeks ago bc he stopped giving me his regular amount but now he cleaned out everything with no regard to auto payments and outstanding checks. He also waited until after I got paid. I went back home that night with police escort to gather a few more things cause I see this going down a very bad path.

So my questions- my lawyer never returned my calls on Friday (I called at 1:30, 4:30 and emailed 4:30 and 5:30). Do I have a right to be extremely upset? Worth getting a new one?

Also my MIL watches my kids on Monday. Plan was to take both kids to st. Patty day party at preschool. His family is well aware of what he is going on and I'm inclined not to let any of them see the kids until my attorney says they have to. Namely because I am getting no financial support. However, I worry this isn't fair for the kids. What if they won't give me the kids back?

Lastly, do I go back home with the kids? I don't want it to seem like I'm just not going back but we can't live under same roof and I offered separation in the interim and his lawyer is just not getting back to us about if he will go on a temporary voluntary basis.

Any other insight? I can take it. Sorry this is long I'm all over the place, sad, confused, etc.

MinnesotaMomma91

Holy crap on a cracker. First of all im so sorry you are going though all of this. Now i will answer everything else to the best of my abilities.

1. I think you have reason to be upset with your lawyer, mt divorce lawyer or her paralegal always called me back promptly within 20 minutes of me calling then, it could take upto 48 hours on a weekend to hear from her but no more then 24 at the max on a weekday

2. At this point, unless you have a custody order firmly in place where he and his family cant just take off with your kids i wouldnt let your kids out of your sight and id let preschool/day care know the situation and the kids cant leave with anyone but you.

Do not go back without a police escourt and do not take the kids with you. Things are not good between the two of you and if there is a police escourt involved you dont want to explain to your kids why. Also, say nothing to your ex while you are there. Get your stuff and get out.

Hugs for you, hope it gets better

20thirteen

I agree with Minnesota

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tig594

Most of what previous posters said is spot on.  HOWEVER, you NEED to get a PO to protect your kids.  With you being married he or whoever he wants can legally pick your kids up from where ever they are and you can't do shit about it.  If you get a PO you can have the kids names on there, too.  That will protect them.  Give a copy to your day care provider so they know the kids can leave with no one but you or who you designate.  

MinnesotaMomma91

Yes! What @tig594 said

jellybean529

Holy crap...

I second all of the advice above. I can't believe what an asshat he is. Yes of course you have a right to be upset at your lawyer. You have a right to feel whatever you feel right now. You're in an impossibly shitty situation.

freeatlast2014

Thanks guys.
Go figure my attorney had off today so after several calls I spoke to the paralegal. She got in touch with the lawyer and the lawyer said that this isn't anything new (it totally is) and that I can't move out until we have a custody agreement. Um, in case she forgot I am living with an abusive man!

I took the day off and got some things to make the kids feel more comfortable while we crash at my dads. I want to take then back home but XH says he's not leaving. My attorney also said that (last week) it looks like I'm trying to one up my ex by getting a PO after filing for divorce. I dunno. I put some feelers out there for a new attorney (got 1 referral so far) but I'm so confused
. Then to top it all off my mil met me to go the st party party at school and when she asked me how I was (replied not good) and she asked if my little one was crying cause he was sick (replied no he is tired and is taking not being home the hardest. He can't sleep well and wants his bed) she got all pissy. She said that even adults want their own beds (read between the lines meaning my XH). And I told her it would be better for the kids if her son slept away so kids can be home she flipped out yelling fuck you twice to me. She said she didn't want to discuss this and I told her she brought it up. I feel bad cause the kids want to see them but between her leaving and my ex not even wanting to drive to see the kids either they can all fuck off. I'm not letting them anywhere near my boys til we have something in writing.

When does this get easier?

tig594

Have you talked to the police?  Screw what your attorney said.  File for the PO.  You are asking for trouble with this guy and his family if you don't.  Several of us have been in your shoes.  It will be very unfortunate but when something happens don't say we didn't tell you so.  Stop making excuses and protect your children, at least.

MinnesotaMomma91

tig594 said:

Have you talked to the police?  Screw what your attorney said.  File for the PO.  You are asking for trouble with this guy and his family if you don't.  Several of us have been in your shoes.  It will be very unfortunate but when something happens don't say we didn't tell you so.  Stop making excuses and protect your children, at least.

This, you dont have to file through an attorney. You can file through the police station or the court house.

Now is the time to protext yourself and your children. Because trust me, it always gets worse and ALWAYS escalates

jellybean529

Your MIL was swearing at you at your child's school? Did I read that right? Holy cow. That takes some balls.

Do what you need to do to protect yourself and your children. That whole group of people sounds unstable.

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freeatlast2014

I got a hold of my lawyer on Tuesday afternoon and we talked. Then shortly after I received 33 pages of very detailed motions from his attorney about giving him primary custody and the kids living with him and me not being allowed to move out with them. I was sick last night and felt completely behind the 8 ball. Today though I think we put together a decent proposal and I also let him see the kids for a few hours then took them back with me. I won't let them out of my sight (my attorney agrees) without an order. It blows my mind that we can't even agree on visitation while we wait 1 month to see the judge! This is going to be so long and drawn out and expensive!
I have an appointment for a consult with a new attorney tomorrow but it seems like my attorney started to realize what's going on and picked up her pace a bit. His lawyer is good, mine needs to be better.
As for the PO, I still didn't do it. He started asking me about money and how small of a place we were staying in and making sideways comments but I told him that if he wants to see the kids he needs to stop and just make it about them. I can see having a third party at drop offs in my near future.
I should also add he cried. A lot. I hope he is seeing what this is doing to the boys. Or maybe he's crying cause he fucked up. Or maybe he's crying cause he realized I can do this on my own!!!!!!!!!

freeatlast2014

mrs.tbc said:

Your MIL was swearing at you at your child's school? Did I read that right? Holy cow. That takes some balls.

Do what you need to do to protect yourself and your children. That whole group of people sounds unstable.

Yes and she is a church going woman who is active in the church she works in and the church she belongs to. Lots of church going on, very little practice. Thank god no one was around to see it (other than my 18 month old I was holding)
You know, all day I felt so bad cause my son said he wants to see grandma. Thank you for reminding me how fucked up that was! She could have seen them Monday...it's her fault.

tig594

Or maybe he was crying to manipulate you and make you feel sorry for him so you don't fight him that hard and he gets what he wants.  You seriously need to turn off your emotions for awhile.  He will use them against you. 

jellybean529

tig594 said:

Or maybe he was crying to manipulate you and make you feel sorry for him so you don't fight him that hard and he gets what he wants.  You seriously need to turn off your emotions for awhile.  He will use them against you. 

Precisely what I was thinking.

MinnesotaMomma91

mrs.tbc said:

tig594 said:

Or maybe he was crying to manipulate you and make you feel sorry for him so you don't fight him that hard and he gets what he wants.  You seriously need to turn off your emotions for awhile.  He will use them against you. 

Precisely what I was thinking.

Abusers are manipulators. They learn how to manipulate you so that they can abuse you.

tig594

Sometimes it sucks to be a chick.  

freeatlast2014

You guys totally just rained on my parade..could he be that calculated? Yes, yes he may be. I just got a second opinion from another attorney ($300 for the consult alone) and she suggested I stop acting so much on my emotions and start putting the kids first. I don't know how to turn off my emotions. She asked me if I wanted a divorce and my first answer was no. Second one was yes. How did I get this fucked up in the head?????????

Well, we have an agreement in writing for this weekend so it will be my first weekend without the kids. This is going to be really hard. I tell you, it's so hard being a single parent because you never get a break. And then it's so hard co-parenting because you don't want to take that break. It just sucks no matter what.

MinnesotaMomma91

Well it sounds like this new lawyer will take care of you and your childrens interests.

Okay, i hate to say it. But people are the calculating and manipulitive. My xh and his dad were the king and prince up manipulation. If they wanted something they could turn on the love and the affection amd the tears till they turned on you.

A girl i used to be close with hasnt paid a bill in years because shes an expert at manipulating her boyfriends.

I do suggest seeibg a counsiler to help you sort through your emotions. Because your lawyer is right. Its time to turn of the emotions and do whats best for the kids amd to keep you safe. If you are unsure about if you want a divorce or not you definitley should talk to a counsiler to help you sort through how your feeling towards your ex

freeatlast2014

I have a counselor I speak to regularly. Actually, I usually talk to her Wed or Thurs nights...maybe I'll get her for tomorrow night. Yes, I need to sort this out. There should be no question in my mind, the logical side of me knows that.

As for the attorney, I'm actually keeping the one I originally had. After talking to the new one (who came highly recommended) she told me she knows my lawyer and that I am in good hands but she is there for me if I ever change my mind. And she brought an outside perspective on the whole thing which was very helpful.

tig594

Sadly people do lie and manipulate you constantly these days. That's why i have no real friends. People suck and the bullshit gets very old.