NWMR: Therapists, psychologists, SWs, please come in...

kmh2201

I wasn't too sure where else I could ask about this situation.  I was afraid of asking psychologist friends of mine because I wasn't too sure of their ethical responsibility in reporting certain things.  My SIL (DH's sister) and her two DD's (2 and 3.5 years old) are visiting this week.  They live 6 hours away in what I consider "not civilization." They moved there about 2 years ago for her H to try out running two insurance agencies.  He didn't hit his numbers, so the company didn't 'award' the agencies to him.  He will be unemployed as of June, and because of where they live, there aren't a lot of job prospects.  He might be able to find something in a larger town a little over an hour away, but given the winter weather they get, it could take 2-3 times that (one way) some days.  SIL is a SAHM.  For whatever reason, they bought a house when they moved there, so it is harder for them to pack up and move back closer to family.  All of that is background info so you can see that they are in a stressful situation.

Anyway, SIL and the girls were over for dinner the other night, and she mentioned something about how she can "totally relate" to the mom in the news story who drove her van into the ocean in Daytona Beach trying to kill herself and her kids.  I was stunned.  I know having kids can be stressful sometimes, but I don't think any parent EVER should even joke about wanting to kill their kids.  I asked DH later if he was as disturbed as I was about what she said, and he was.

What is the best way to talk to SIL about this?  How can we get her to realize she needs help?  I think she's miserable.  I think she hates where they live, and would like to get away and have some "me" time every once in a while.  It sounds like she feels sh can't share her feelings with her H, and I would even go so far as maybe if she does share her feelings with him, he doesn't necessarily care.  (I will also add that they go to a very conservative church where I think they may take the "submissive wife" concept the wrong way, to the "n"th degree.)  She also has taken (I'm not sure if she still does) medication for anxiety and depression.  I'm not sure of her official diagnosis (or if she had one).  About 7 years ago she spent a few days at an inpatient psych facility because she talked about committing suicide.  Given her history of mental illness, I am so nervous about the welfare of SIL and my nieces.

Thanks in advance!

Myaflowers

I would be kind but direct in addressing your concerns. I would start by validating SIL's feelings of being stressed and overwhelmed and then say something like, 'It really caught me off guard when you said that you can relate to that woman. It must be so hard to be in your situation, but I'm worried about you and think that maybe talking to a professional might help.' I would ask her directly if she is considering hurting herself. If you get the feeling that she or the kids are at risk, I would definitely bring her husband into the conversation. If neither of them are willing to take the situation seriously or seek help, I would make a report to children's services. I know that sounds harsh, but it might be necessary to protect the children and make sure SIL gets help. The report should be kept anonymous and if your BIL is able to keep the children safe, they likely wouldn't be removed from the home. Good luck! This is a very difficult position for you to be in, but given her psychiatric history, you are right to be concerned.