Advice on an Immature Uncle-To-Be

Emilyfae

Hey all, I have a brother in his late 30s (I'm late 20s) who is a self proclaimed narcissist. He loves messing with me and other family members for his own amusement. I think he's angry about stuff from our childhood, but he's unwilling to help himself or let others help. Ever since I got married and especially now that I'm pregnant, he's been acting even more angry and saying things like "I'm going to make your son smoke weed when he's 13" or "I'm going to be the cool uncle he can talk to about anything. I'm going to teach him how to "do" girls because he won't want to talk to you about that." He's also pretended to punch me and slap me in the belly multiple times and has come very close to actually striking me. I don't want my son to be around someone so aggressive and mean, and I certainly don't want my son to think it's awesome to be a pothead and drink as a teen (though he might on his own accord). It's also the Mom and Dad's place to tell their children about sex, not an unauthorized third person. My husband thinks I should write my brother off, but I'm wondering what you all think. If you need more background info, please feel free to ask. I just need a little help. Thanks! 

yeah.

I would not be overly interested in having this person around myself or my children.

yvanehtnioj

I would avoid him like the plague. The dumb comments about girls and pot would just get an eyeroll but the physical stuff is where I'd just stop being around him. If he actually notices, let him know why but if not, whatevz.

Mrs_D_in_KY

I would tell him to f*** off and make a point not to bring myself around him and especially not around my child. I have two brothers that are both very different. One was a total asshole until DS was 2.5 when his own daughter was born. I basically told him and my entire family I'm not allowing his bull shit attitude around my son and he can kiSs my ass. My other brother is only 4 years younger than me at 26, but still very immature. I only allow him around my son when I know both of my parents are there.

You have to stand up for what you feel is right. I've learned it the hard way throughout my now 4 year olds life. I'm not saying it's easy, frankly it will suck at times. But you need to do what is right for you and your LO.

greeneyed_bride

Try telling this story to yourself about anyone other than a blood relative - "My next door neighbor keeps saying he's going to make my son smoke weed." "An old friend from high school wants to teach my son how to have sex with girls." "My coworker keeps pretending to punch me in the stomach and has actually almost hit me." Would you let any of those people around your child?? I'm hoping that the answer is no. 

There are certain things that we make allowances for in family members that we wouldn't put up with in other people, but I don't think any of these things fall into that category.

Also, I think that your husband needs to have a say in this, considering that it's his child, too. I totally understand wanting to get other opinions, but your husband presumably knows your brother better than we do, and it doesn't sound like he wants this man around your child. 

Have you talked about any of this with your brother? If my brother said/did things like this, I'd let him know that I didn't like it and ask that he not repeat the behaviors. If he did, I think it would probably end up being the kind of relationship where we saw each other only at Thanksgiving dinner.

Emilyfae

greeneyed_bride said:

Try telling this story to yourself about anyone other than a blood relative - "My next door neighbor keeps saying he's going to make my son smoke weed." "An old friend from high school wants to teach my son how to have sex with girls." "My coworker keeps pretending to punch me in the stomach and has actually almost hit me." Would you let any of those people around your child?? I'm hoping that the answer is no. 

There are certain things that we make allowances for in family members that we wouldn't put up with in other people, but I don't think any of these things fall into that category.

Also, I think that your husband needs to have a say in this, considering that it's his child, too. I totally understand wanting to get other opinions, but your husband presumably knows your brother better than we do, and it doesn't sound like he wants this man around your child. 

Have you talked about any of this with your brother? If my brother said/did things like this, I'd let him know that I didn't like it and ask that he not repeat the behaviors. If he did, I think it would probably end up being the kind of relationship where we saw each other only at Thanksgiving dinner.

It makes a lot of sense to look at it from that point of view. In my family, it's pretty common to pretend my brother's not doing what he's doing or he's "getting better". My mom and dad have had enough though. He was especially bad last night and it was completely ridiculous. I think I'll call him and use that example. "If you were anyone else, you wouldn't get away with this behavior. I can't have you around my child if you're going to continue acting like this." Luckily I'm moving across the country next month.

Thanks for the good advice.  

PrimRoseMama

I would limit my contact & my children's contact with this person. You may not be able to "write him off" but you can certainly limit your exposure. It doesn't sound like he is good company anyway.

momthatlifts

Stay away from him as must as you can. He sounds like he could be violent. I had a friend when I was younger who would "play" fight with me but he got really aggressive and started to scare me. My husband would never allow anyone, whether it be my brother or someone else, to pretend to hit me in the stomach. Not saying your husband is allowing this, just sharing.

allrightmeow

I wouldn't want him to be around my child.  It sounds like he has a long history of off putting behavior. 

Emilyfae

Natalie78W said:

I wouldn't want him to be around my child.  It sounds like he has a long history of off putting behavior. 

Yeah he has. He's abandoned me in the middle of no where and driven off with my belongings because I wouldn't argue with him. He's thrown beer on me before. He's kind of a huge piece of work and everyone pretends that he's okay or that it's not his fault. Now that I'm expecting, I feel more strongly about his negative behavior. It's not like I have to live with him, so there's really no reason to put up with it. 

Thanks for the advice. 

Sarafar4

I would hope he's joking when he saying stuff like that but it seems like his track record says otherwise. I agree to only see him when the whole family gets together once your baby is born. If he still acts rudely, it'll be time to make a stand and say no more. Sometimes, no matter what their age, our siblings never seem to grow up!

Emilyfae

aggiecyd said:

Why does everyone pretend he's ok? It sounds like he has some issues that have gone unchecked b/c no one's confronted him on it & held him accountable. I wouldn't want him around my family & would have a hard time being around anyone else who put up with his behavior or defended him - parents included.

I've tried bringing it up with my parents, but they've always said "it takes two to fight" or "what did you do to instigate his behavior". They've refused to believe their handsome and intelligent golden child has issues, but now they agree with me. Unfortunately they are in the guilt phase and are blaming themselves for his behavior. I told them that he's old enough to help himself through his issues (as I did in my early 20s) and that they are not responsible for him anymore. They continue paying his medical bills and phone bill though. I'm afraid this isn't going to go anywhere unless they start treating him like an adult and stop coddling him. 

I'm going to call my brother tonight and explain that I don't want my son to be brought up around bad behavior, I want my son around someone who is a great role model, someone I can trust and look up to and until he fits that description he's not going to have a nephew. 

 

Disneygeek77

Speaking of guilt, don't let your parents guilt you into tolerating this bad behavior from him.  Let that inner momma bear come out and do what is in the best interest of your child and your marriage, not ease your parent's guilt or help them justify the way they raised your brother.

at931902

I have an aunt that is very similar to your brother. She is always saying that she's going to "Tell your kids the real story" of what my husband and I are like. But she never openly confronts or takes responsibility for her actions. You know your brother. And even though he is your brother, if he's not good for your child, he's no good for you. I'm sure it hurts on some level, but maybe when he's older and matured someday, you can reconnect with him and judge for yourself. But in the meantime, he's just not ready to be an uncle.

Emilyfae

He didn't answer the phone. Handwritten letter will do. Thanks for all the advice, ladies! I really appreciate it.