MIL Problems

KutiePebbles

My husband is originally from Denver.  He moved to NJ in 2005, we met in 2007 and married in 2012.  He was never super close to either parent but when they divorced, he became a crutch for his mother's emotional neediness.   She now lives in Kansas and we only see her 1-2 times per year, if that.  In all honesty, she is a nice woman but we are very different culturally and personality wise (she is a know-it-all, very stubborn, sometimes snotty and very co-dependent) so we majorly clash.  I make the best of it when we are around each other and my husband is good at diffusing situations but it is still hard.

In the past when either parent would visit us they would stay at our apartment on an air mattress. I expressed how awkward this was for me (my family does not role that way) but I made the compromise since those visits were always very short (and did not involve a child).  Now that we are having our first child, the compromise for overnight visitors is drastically different.  I want my wants and needs utterly clear to any and all visitors, especially overnighters.   I am the one going through more changes and adjustments and I refuse to host guests like we used to once the baby arrives. 

Long story short, before we got pregnant we mutually decided, guests would stay at a hotel when visiting the baby (FINALLY!).  Since I am now 20wks, my husband felt it was time to broach the subject with his mother. As expected, it did not go over well.  His balls were in her hand by the end of the convo and the only thing that happened was he came home asking me to reconsider.  I have gotten every excuse in the book----  She only visits 1-2 times per year.  This is her first grandchild.  I am her only son.  It is not fair to her because we have an air mattress and space. Asking her to spend more on a hotel when she visits is disrespectful.  She is going to want to spend money on the baby not a hotel.  She does not feel included (total bullshit excuse).  On and on and on.  Excuses do not change the reasons WE mutually decided on this.  Frankly excuses just piss me off because it is telling me, you are simply backing down.  You are not getting the point across and she is being a selfish bull dog.   I told him in situations like wife vs mother, you need to man up and get your balls back.  Defend your wife the the decision you made.  Also, stop stressing me out with a topic that is dead in the water.  She can cry a whole river into an ocean, but it is not going to change why we decided on this.  Keyword- WE!  

Please share any advice or similar stories.  Thanks for listening to me vent.  I needed that!

WashingtonQueen

You sound like the selfish one right now. I'm really not understanding why people can't stay at your house. Is it just an excuse because you don't like her?

MstoMrstoMom851214

I can relate to this and my MIL only lives 2 1/2 hours away.  We just purchased a 3 bedroom house that will have a guest room.  However, the thought of my MIL (or any of my in-laws) staying with us, even without a newborn, makes me cringe.  With a newborn, please god no!  When we visit them, we never stay with her, we instead stay with close friends.  I feel uncomfortable being around my MIL for a few hours, the idea of a couple of days makes me want to cry.  Granted, my husband is completely in agreement with me, so if he wanted her to stay with us or vice versa, it might be a different situation.

Do you have good reasons for hating your MIL or do you just find her annoying?  I guess to me that would be the deciding factor (along with the opinion of my husband, since it's his mom).  I hate my MIL for many valid reasons, and do not trust her at all.  The idea of her even holding my son when he arrives makes me cringe, and she will not be allowed alone with him.  I have trust issues with her staying in my home around all of my belongings, and especially around my dog (who she hates).

Bottom line, it is your home and your baby.  If you don't want her to stay with you that is your decision, but you need to accept the "backlash" that will come from making her stay in a hotel.  I would just weigh the importance and discuss it more with your husband, and decide from there.  Good luck!!   

strmbreez

Gotta agree with the other posts. You sound like you don't want the MIL to stay because you don't like her. 1-2 times per year is and should be an easy compromise. You said they're short visits. I don't get what the problem is if she's only staying a week or so... Let hubby have time with his family. Creating a me vs. her situation with your husband when MIL just wants to spend time with the family without the added hotel bill is a surefire way to create resentment.

BaTs89

You mention your apartment, and you say that your husband and you agreed on the reasons she would not be staying. Is your apartment too small? What are the reasons that you both decided it would be easier to have no overnight visitors? The compromise isn't drastically different unless the apartment is small, you don't want to wake up with her on your living room floor, or she is turning into a bossy mother in law that always knows what's right for the baby. Is she planning on lengthening her visits, or increasing them? Unfortunately, there isn't a lot of information for the advice that you are asking us to give, unless you are just venting.

momthatlifts

Pay for her hotel. If I were his mom and you were asking me to pay for a hotel to visit grand baby, I wouldn't even come. Or let her stay with you.

KutiePebbles

I understand the replies thus far and respect your opinions.  I remind myself often- to each their own.  

Although his mother and I clash, that doesn't mean I dislike her.  Personality clashes and flat out distaste are two different things.  If it was that I just did not like her, this would be an entirely different post.  She is difficult but frankly we all have our quirks, myself included.  Plus, I have hosted her a plethora of times over the past 6 years so its not that I cannot host her again, it is just a decision we made once a baby comes into the picture.   

I completely understand why this posts makes me sound selfish and I am 100% perfectly fine with that.  It is my prerogative whether I want to be selfish about this situation.  If clarity would assist, the post was to express how our mutual decision is now being challenged and might change even though "our" feelings on why we made the decision has not changed.  My husband is in the middle and is trying to please both parties but knows he can't.  Can I compromise, of course but there is not a compromise.  It is either she stays here or at a hotel.  One is what she wants, one is what I/we want.    

Lastly, because I left this out, she plans to visit for over a week.  

MaybeKatie10

Fine. Have her stay at a hotel. But YOU should foot the bill. A couple hundred dollars will ensure no family rifts appear that will ultimately come back to hurt your kid. It's a no brainer. 

KutiePebbles

Sorry did not refresh to see other posts.  We have more space now in our new apartment so we can host more easily but 3 adults can still get a little tight.

We both had a lot of reasons for wanting guests to stay at a hotel but if we are speaking solely in regards to his mom, it is because he also does not get along with her after 2-3 days.  They actually used to face off a lot when he was younger.  She means well and tries to help but instead she ends up hovering, interfering or causing issues.  He usually diffuses it but since he becomes a push over for her now, it gets really difficult.  I stay out of it but these are the surface points as to why MIL at a hotel was better for both.  

boymomstrong

I still think your being selfish, its one time, and with kids there will be lots of moments where things happen that you did not want...
When my IL visit they stay with us, they also come 1-2 times a year, but if they did not stay with us they could not afford the visit and its not fair to say "you cant afford a hotel so you cant see your grandchild, too bad for you!"
My family however, ALWAYS stays in a hotel, its the way we role...
Asking your husband to choose btwn the woman who raised him and the woman he want to spend his lufe with is CRAZY!!!! How can you ask that??? Its both you and mil job to figure it out... Think how you would feel if he asked you to choose?
Time to put on the big girl panties...

Also side note, i do t think this was a mutual decision, more like you nagged to get what you wanted, then told hubby to tell his mom...

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MaybeKatie10

I just feel so bad for your kid. He is going to miss out on bonding with his Grandma because Mommy suddenly wants to get selfish with her air mattress. 

*sigh* Sometimes people have priorities that are all kinds of jacked up.  

PrimRoseMama

Your husband needs to strap A 2x4 to his spine. Stand firm on a mutual agreement.

Why don't y'all pay for her hotel when she visits?

My MIL actively hates me, visits at least twice a month & spends the night in our guest room with FIL. It's sucky but they are at least civil to me in front of the kids.

Personally, if I were your MIL I would jump at the hotel. If you really want to have your space you might have to pay for it.

It's good to set boundaries now.

PrimRoseMama

MaybeKatie10 said:

I just feel so bad for your kid. He is going to miss out on bonding with his Grandma because Mommy suddenly wants to get selfish with her air mattress. 

*sigh* Sometimes people have priorities that are all kinds of jacked up.  

WTF? She's not denying her MIL access to the kid all together. Jesus Christ. /:)

She just wants night time to herself while pg & with a newborn. I can't see signatures, but those first few weeks you don't want to entertain guests. I was busy waddling around bleeding, topless & tired as fuck. I didn't want anyone around for that.

To me it's worth it to pick this as a boundary to go to the deuce over.

KutiePebbles

I know how the post comes off and I understand where each comment is coming from.  I posted to a public blog so I would get opinions from outside parties.  It is interesting to get perspectives even when some of you just sound down right pissed off at me for even fathoming this topic. 

There has been a lot of comments but to those who said this was more of a "me" decision- I appreciate the psychological "Dr. Phil" BS but it was mutual.  As posted earlier, my husband locks horns with his mother after the 3 day mark also.  The decision applies to all guests- my family included. Some of my family members live far so when i say mutual, I mean mutual.

My MIL thrives on control and likes to get what she wants whether it be a trivial situation or a bigger situation.  When we brought up this topic to her by no means did we insinuate that this decision means less time with our child- it is literally just sleeping in a different location.  This gives us time and space to have our own time together and decompress from the busy day.  She will not be the only day time visitor during that time period so the alone time will be nice. His father didn't even bat an eye lash.  He was perfectly fine with this decision.  My family that is far already said they plan to come earlier in the day and drive back home in the evening.

In terms of finances, my husband handles most of my MIL's finances so we know that she can afford the trip in its entirety.  We offered to pay for either her flight or hotel but she would not have it.  Since she can afford the trip on her own, offering to pay is also equally offensive to her. There is honestly no happy medium which is why I didn't bring up the offer in the original post. It's either my apartment or nothing.  My apartment means I am unhappy from day 1 and my husband starts to lose his sh*t by day 4.

My point is not to sit here and reply with scenarios to convince all of those with opposing opinions to be my cheerleader and side with me. The position sucks for all three of us but there are slim pickings when it comes to compromising.

Thanks again for the opinions, especially from those with similar MIL or out of state guest experiences.

PrimRoseMama

KutiePebbles said:

I know how the post comes off and I understand where each comment is coming from.  I posted to a public blog so I would get opinions from outside parties.  It is interesting to get perspectives even when some of you just sound down right pissed off at me for even fathoming this topic. 

There has been a lot of comments but to those who said this was more of a "me" decision- I appreciate the psychological "Dr. Phil" BS but it was mutual.  As posted earlier, my husband locks horns with his mother after the 3 day mark also.  The decision applies to all guests- my family included. Some of my family members live far so when i say mutual, I mean mutual.

My MIL thrives on control and likes to get what she wants whether it be a trivial situation or a bigger situation.  When we brought up this topic to her by no means did we insinuate that this decision means less time with our child- it is literally just sleeping in a different location.  This gives us time and space to have our own time together and decompress from the busy day.  She will not be the only day time visitor during that time period so the alone time will be nice. His father didn't even bat an eye lash.  He was perfectly fine with this decision.  My family that is far already said they plan to come earlier in the day and drive back home in the evening.

In terms of finances, my husband handles most of my MIL's finances so we know that she can afford the trip in its entirety.  We offered to pay for either her flight or hotel but she would not have it.  Since she can afford the trip on her own, offering to pay is also equally offensive to her. There is honestly no happy medium which is why I didn't bring up the offer in the original post. It's either my apartment or nothing.  My apartment means I am unhappy from day 1 and my husband starts to lose his sh*t by day 4.

My point is not to sit here and reply with scenarios to convince all of those with opposing opinions to be my cheerleader and side with me. The position sucks for all three of us but there are slim pickings when it comes to compromising.

Thanks again for the opinions, especially from those with similar MIL or out of state guest experiences.

---

Sounds like she wants to pick this as her "hill to die on". I would NOT cave. It sets precedent that if she throws a fit long enough she will get her way.

You need to stand firm. If your husband has to physically escort her out at night then he needs to do that.

Personally, it's horrifying to me that she is carrying on about it. Just take a night at the hotel, lady. She's not being shunned. It's 8 hours at a separate location, not be shipped to Aubudabi.

Elubear

I have a very overbearing MIL that doesn't feel I can do anything right in regards to the children. I'm now 14 weeks (almost 15) with our third and I have yet to even tell her, simply because I don't want to hear how she expects me to sit in bed all day and let my muscles atrophy. Even something as simple as shoveling snow would have made her head explode if she'd known I was 4 weeks pregnant (GET REAL!!!). So I definitely don't handle having the woman around for more than 4 hours at a time. We argue, she cries if she doesn't get her way, and my kids think SHE is the boss over them, not me. And we do not agree on punishment for the kids or things they are allowed to have such as gum. (I forbid my 4 and 5 year old having gum but she'll give them each their own pack!) 

She luckily lives locally and can live in her own house! 

I guess if she did not live locally and I were in your situation, I would probably have a few things to consider. If she's staying longer than 1 night, it would be a huge NO on my end. Also the age of the baby needs to be taken into consideration. 3 days home from the hospital, I can barely walk, I've got 7 stitches, everything hurts, I've had no sleep, I'm sorry but no. She would not stay here and she would definitely not visit for more than an hour at a time. I would offer to pay half of her trip here, half her airfare and half her hotel stay, if you can't afford more than a week I would tell her that, tell her you can help her pay for 3 days but she's on her own after that. I would maybe offer to take her out to breakfast 1 or 2 days, or dinner if I was too tired for breakfast. But I do not think it is selfish at all. The baby doesn't need to hear arguing it's first few days alive, it doesn't need the negative energies surrounding it's mother, and mom just flat our doesn't need the stress of it all.

I would make staying elsewhere as easy as you can for her without letting her step all over your toes, I would also say to try being the one to tell her this instead of your husband who will have a hard time not letting her have her way. My husband cannot get through to his mom. I stand up and she gets all emotional and cries (I am never rude she just hates not getting her way). But in the end we can usually come to an agreement whether we both have to sacrifice a little bit on the way or not. The fight with the MIL is an old one and no one truly wins in the end, but try your best to meet in the middle! 

dragonfly711

My mom used to live 9 hours from me.  When I went to visit her 1-2 times a year I always stayed at her place.  When she came to me 1x per year.  She stayed at my house.  When they were here for a week, yes we did drive each other crazy but I never would want my mom to have to spend $$ on a hotel after driving here, just seems like a waste of $$$

My MIL is going to be 81.  I lived with her for 2 yrs when we were looking for a house.  It was miserable.  We paid her rent and she complained about everything.  I parked the car wrong. I left lights on.  She was/is passive aggressive.  Would never say anything to me but would my husband.  Oh I even took her tupperware.  Hubby and I had separate rooms because the rooms were too small only single beds would fit.  I had cats they had to stay in my small room because she was afraid of them.  Ok her house no biggy.

She now lives 4 mins away at my BILs she needs nursing care in the AM and PM.  Hubby did have her come and stay at our place last year which was always a production.  I could not use my bathroom because she would make a mess all over the floor.  I then used hubbys til she went home.

It drove me crazy, I had to clean when she left but it was hubby's mom so I dealt with it.  I know he would do the same for my mom.

As it is by the end of the summer she might be going into a nursing home.  We are then going to be getting her dog.  Nice dog but she was here for a week  a few weeks ago and chewed my slipper and the expensive dog bed.  Hubby was like oh well.  I was pissed.  We already have 2 dogs and with a baby thinking of having another dog come later on was upsetting me.  

I have no options she will be coming,  it is his moms dog, what am I suppose to do.  If my mom had to go I would take her cats.  ( cats are of course easier LOL)  

It is not happening right now but having her for that week drove me crazy.  I am a total animal lover but we already have 7 animals and having a baby I just do not want the extra work.  

I can so relate to how you feel but since it is only 1-2 times a year, I would suck it up.  If it was more often then yeah maybe she could stay somewhere else.

What about splitting it, have her stay 1/2 the time at your place and 1/2 the time in a hotel.  That way you both get what you want.  Just a thought.

Now when you parents come they are ok at staying in a hotel?  I can't remember what you said above.

It is hard.  Right now my hubby does everything for his mom since she cant anymore.  He is one of 6 and everyone else is so selfish they will not help with her.  We take her on vacation, to dinner, I make dinner, he takes her to the Dr.  Her own daughter will not do anything for her.   She was just in the hospital then rehab for over a week.  Hubby went to see her every day.  He was so moody and tired.  Drove me crazy since I am pregnant he is complaining how tired he was.  I know most was more emotional but it of course still ticked me off.  

I do know though that she will not be with us forever and he tries to do what he can for her to make her time with us a nice one.

Even though she was so passive aggressive to me for some reason I still feel bad for her and understand why hubby does things for her.

It is hard,  I always try to put myself in my husbands shoes and how I would feel if I did not want him to do things for her and he told me I couldn't for my mom.  

Ok not sure if any of this makes sense.

Hope it all goes well for you.

momthatlifts

I personally would not want anyone staying with me after I give birth. I would want my space. Plus my mil always thinks she's helping but she is just in the way and sometimes makes things worse. If you offered to pay and she doesn't want to compromise with that then she doesn't have to come. I'm sure she will get over it and come anyways ..

lebradford

Dirty lurker here. I just happened to see this conversation from the list of all the boards, and I was curious.

OP, you are not being selfish *at all* for not wanting someone to stay with you for over a week the first few weeks after your baby is born. I'm on mobile, so I can't really tell, but it seems like the only person who would say that is one who has never had a child before.

Having a newborn is a time of bonding for your new family (read: parents, baby, siblings, period). You will be exhausted, bleeding, sore, leaking milk, and just figuring things out. You need the space to figure out how things are going to work for your new little family before you introduce visitors.

I think the fact that you're even allowing your MIL to stay an entire week with daily visits is very nice of you.

My advice? Tell your husband this is your final decision. However, you might consider that as your child gets older, you might be open to overnight guests again at some point. (Maybe after 6 months or a year?) Maybe if you thought that might work for you, you could let MIL know that this is a temporary thing while your family adjusts and you recover.

Good luck!

Also, haaaaiii, @funnibunni80! ;-)

lebradford

funnibunni80 said:

Hi @lebradford!!!  Miss you!    Your cycle 5 plans sound exciting!  FX for you!!!

Thanks!! I'm excited (and nervous)!

Disneygeek77

Meh

I don't think there is anything wrong with asking her to stay at a hotel.  It's not like you are asking her to stay home.  If you know yourself and you know her as well as you think you do, then there is nothing wrong for preparing for the worse and hoping for the best.  If your recovery is easier than expected and if your MIL is being kind, considerate and helpful, then you can always cancel the hotel and she can spend the night.  

I just think that of all times in your life when it is ok to be selfish i.e. look out for your best interests, this is one of them.  

FWIW, I have been on these boards for a long time, back when there wasn't even a bump.com, and one of the biggest regrets I see time and time again is from new moms that were absolutely overwhelmed by having overnight guests so soon after having a baby.  I'm talking moms/ mils you have to wrestle the baby away from, dads/ fils that hog the couch and the TV and expect the new mom to clean and cook for them and other family members that bring sick kids or use the new parent's home as a hotel and expect to be entertained and chauffered around when they are there.  Many of these new moms have said the same thing " I wish I would have put my foot down and insisted they stay at a hotel. Now I will never get that precious time back."

sparklenshine_89

I understand not being able/or even not wanting to host after having a baby. After I had my first son we didn’t discuss having family spend the night mostly because everyone lived under an hour away. I had cleaned my house from top to bottom before going to the hospital and all I wanted was to come home to a clean and quiet house. 

DH’s family decided that they wanted to spend the night (I had no idea) so when I got home from the hospital with a 3^rd degree tear and PPD, I was extremely emotional and saw that my house was destroyed and they stayed for 3 days longer… didn’t help cook, clean, or anything.

This is my 3^rd baby and we will be living 9 hours away from the closest family member this time. The fact is DH and I travel in a 37 foot fifth wheel with 1 bathroom. There will be 5 of us and needless to say… no room for company. So yeah, if my family or IL’s want to visit they have to figure out other accommodations.

It’s your decision but you only see her a couple times a year and she may actually be helpful. Maybe discuss boundaries beforehand to prevent any problems. But I honestly understand where you are coming from when you say you don’t want her to stay.

hlm184

I'm with you - in our families, when parents visit they do not stay with us.  That's how we are, it's not a matter of space or anything.  We're generally very introverted people who need those boundaries.  I know other people don't look at it the same way, and when you blend those two together it can cause problems.

Bottom line, if you and YH agreed that she can't stay with you, then that's that.  She needs to get a hotel.  Some of the previous posters were being pretty dramatic, I think.

lowerygirl

I feel like you are being the selfish one here. Mine and husbands family live 8 hours away from us and I would NEVER ask them to stay in a hotel. We always offer our home...if they choose to stay in a hotel, that's on them. I can't stand my in-laws, but I would never tell my husband they couldn't stay here because that would hurt him and it's just plain rude.

mikescutie7

I personally can't understand your feelings. The way my parents raised me, hospitality is a BIG thing. My parents always housed visiting relatives, displacing us kids to sleeping bags so they could have our beds.

Last year my H and I housed my cousins from across the US for a week. They spent the week  mostly gone, sightseeing and whatnot but I felt happy I could prevent them from having to pay an expensive hotel bill.

I even went to great lengths to decorate a guest bedroom in case anyone ever needed to stay over.

I'm sure I wouldn't want anyone staying over right after having the baby, but eventually I feel I would be happy to have company again

AggieBeth06

Compromise:
Your house, your rules. You set them together as a couple and he needs to communicate them to her. If she follows them, no problems... she doesn't and she will be asked to finish her stay in the hotel.

My MIL is a bipolar smoker who isn't always well adjusted on her meds. We have rules that we set when we had a 34 week preemie (ie no smoking around baby, wear an overshirt when smoking before holding baby which must be removed first, wash hands before holding baby, and cannot be alone with our child(ren)). So long as the ground rules are followed in OUR house, no problem... But break the rules and you're not staying with us.

Be direct. Otherwise you're putting your H in a bad situation for which he can't win for losing.

You might find your relationships will be stronger for it. She will probably be pissed for it at first, but at least she will know specifically what your issues as a couple are with her stay.

I think it's rude not to let her stay but I think it's rude if she doesn't respect your home. She needs to know the ground rules to be able to respect your home.

NerdyLucy

symphony4586 said:

While I would normally agree with PPs, my only concern at this point is that your DH has already told her your wishes and she's whined, complained, and stomped her foot (as it sounds like she usually does). If you back down on it now is it going to send the message that if she behaves this way the next time she's not getting her way that she'll still get him to talk you into giving in?

 

I'm going against a lot of the PPs because this is my concern.  We can all argue til we're blue in the face about whether or not the MIL will be imposing at the house versus the hotel, but to me, THIS is the real issue. 

If OP's DH approached his mother about what they had decided, then that's it, end of discussion, no matter how petty or silly it may be.  For someone to whine until they get their way and overthrow the decisions of other adults is a big problem.  Honestly, I don't even care what the decision is---staying in a hotel, having to wear purple socks when you visit, etc. 

 

Whether or not the house vs. hotel thing matters, if she learns that she can whine and get her way, it will be a bigger problem when the issue at hand is even more important. 

curlylocks3

You don't have a MIL problem, you have a husband problem. 

If he still agrees that he doesn't want her to stay at your apartment- for the reasons that you've shared (that he doesn't get along with her and it causes more tension) then a hotel might be the best option. But he needs to own those reasons to her because at this point he's thrown you under the bus by asking you to reconsider and it looks like its all coming from you. 

On the other hand, if he is now feeling differently and would like to have her stay with you- especially if you have the space- its not fair to insist that your needs come first. Its important that your baby bond with both sides of their family. 

A final alternative might be to suggest that if she wants to come right after baby arrives she stay in a hotel, but that if she wants to stay with you guys you delay the visit a bit (a month? two months?) until things are a bit more settled.

I will say that flat out saying you will not have any house guests once you have a kid makes you seem very rigid. If that were the only way for your family (or a dear friend) to visit I suspect you wouldn't say "oh too bad, so sad, guess we won't be able to see you". 

And thats my novel, from someone whose MIL routinely snoops through stuff and causes drama every time she visits. BTW, she's still going to stay with us after the babies arrive, just a bit later and with some more boundaries.

mfsunshine222

You say there is no compromise to be made, either she stays at a hotel or she stays at your house.  This is true, no compromise there, but what about compromising on other details of the visit.  You allow her to stay at the house (give in to your husband and MIL), but the terms and conditions of the visit are made by you (and your husband needs to keep his balls in his own hand and back you up). 

Tell her she can stay at the house but you need the first 3-4 months after the birth without overnight guests.  She can either wait 3-4 months (or however long you decide) to see the baby; or she can see it close to the birth and stay at a hotel.  And once she is there you and your husband are the be all end all when it comes time for caring for the baby.  All unwanted advice, hovering, condescending remarks, and pushiness on the part of the MIL will be handled swiftly and without hesitation by your husband.  You may not trust him to handle such matters, but you can always remind him if he doesn't keep MIL in check you will unleash your momma bear instict and ALL will pay!

I have a MIL who will be coming from out of the country to visit the baby, and these are the compromises I had to make.  She is definitely NOT my most favorite person in the world, but my husband like yours laid some fairly serious "excuses" on me when I gawfed at allowing her to stay for 3 months.  And "excuses" or not they are true...he is her only son, this will be her first grandchild, and hotels are expensive!  When it comes down to it she only wants to shower her grandchild with love so let her, as long as you establish some serious ground rules I believe you will survive! 

becomingmommyagain

You are perfectly in your right to limit overnight stays.  

Maybe you could tell your MIL that you are not hosting over night guest for the first 6 weeks so that you and your new family can get time together to bond and build a routine.  And that once you are ready, you could compromise for a stay with you for 2 nights and if she plans to make a longer stay she needs to book a hotel for the remainder of her trip?

My MIL is coming from France in July.  We expect LO to be about 4-6 weeks when she gets here and she is staying with us for 7 weeks.  This was the compromise that my DH and I had.  I wanted time with LO and our kids before we started having others trickle in to meet him.  It just happens to work out great for us that she'll be coming at the end of my maternity leave as well so that we can delay LOs entry into day care until he's closer to 12 weeks.  Maybe you could suggest that MIL do similar for you?  Make her feel useful and guarantee she'll have lots of one-on-one time with LO?

Friskypuppys

Hold your ground, but move your husband more gently.  The reason you need to hold your ground is you don't want her to learn that throwing fits and guilt trips will get her what she wants, which is why she threw the fit. 

He didn't stand down due to lack of balls, he stood down because he sees it as a non issue and doesn't fully understand why you do not want guests. He was done with the conversation, she threw a fit and yes the easiest thing to do is to let her have her way.  (Note she pulled this with him, not you)  Once you get him to fully understand and to come to the same conclusion as you (on his own, not you telling him), he will be able to communicate that with her in a better way.  Remember, he's also going through some emotional changes, they aren't as severe as yours but he needs support too.

I am not hosting anyone staying at my house when the baby is born.  they can come visit at my and my husbands convenience and stay in a hotel.  That first month is a lot of adjustments and a lot of screw ups etc and you need that time to get to know your baby and work out his/her schedule.  Adding a guest will make you nuts unless that guest is comfortable (and you are comfortable) with doing dishes and opening the fridge on their own. 

TantiveIV

As a possible compromise, would you consider letting her (or any other visiting family member) stay at your place this first time and then see how it works out? You've come up with a "solution" to a situation that doesn't exist yet. Chances are good that things will work out exactly like you think they will, but then at least you will have a solid precedent to reference for not wanting out of town visitors to stay with you, and you can truthfully say, "We tried this. It didn't work. Here's how we'd like to handle it now." If anything it would only make your case stronger. Or, on the upside you may find that it's a nice change of pace to have some extra hands around. I'm going to be a FTM too, and I have no doubt that the household and family dynamic will change once baby is here. Lifestyles change, people change - sometimes good, sometimes bad, but you can't really know until you've lived through it. I'm a "roll with the punches" kind of gal so I like to see how things work out before I change them up. Just some food for thought.

MrsLegalMom

curlylocks3 said:

A final alternative might be to suggest that if she wants to come right after baby arrives she stay in a hotel, but that if she wants to stay with you guys you delay the visit a bit (a month? two months?) until things are a bit more settled.

This is a great compromise!  And the post above mine is great too! 

On one hand, I think it is perfectly acceptable for you to have special demands/requests right after having a baby, especially your first, when you have no clue what you're doing.  However, your husband is going to go through his own struggles and adjustments and you two need to be a team and support each other to get through the first few weeks.  Fighting about anything, let alone in-laws is not what either of you need now, or when baby arrives. 

I think your hubby needs to support your needs, but don't hurt his feelings and don't make each other the bad guy.  FIND a compromise. FIND a way to work this out together.

You can choose your husband but you can't choose your in-laws.  I can also say that having a baby is a game changer.  Before we had our first child, my MIL and I butted heads from time to time.  After the baby came, I found a new confidence that allowed me to speak to her face-to-face and take the middleman (hubby) out of it.  It wasn't always easy, but she seemed to respect me more and more when I didn't hide behind my husband and told her how I feel and what I wanted. You have to teach people how to treat you, and unfortunately, we can't ask our husbands to fight our battles for us all the time. LOL! 

When my sister had her son, she did not allow any visitors for the first 2 weeks.  It didn't matter what her reasons were, it was her baby and her request.  Shockingly, we all survived! With my first, I asked for a week from our families before anyone visited my home. My mom had ants in her pants, but she got it.  My mother-in-law came for a few days and I thought it would be terrible...but the first thing she did was a load of laundry and cleaned my house.  She made dinner every night.  Shocked the hell out of me, but I was so grateful. 

Last thing I'll say, you opened yourself up to it, but at the end of the day, ignore the posters who are telling you to suck it up and that you are 100% in the wrong.  They don't live in your shoes and you don't theirs.  If they chose to allow visitors when they weren't ready, they set the bar for themselves, not for you.  Your little family is what is important - protect yourself, your baby, your husband.  Good luck!

JSS1002

I'm a lurker but I feel the need to jump in.

Your MIL needs to grow up.  Part of being a grown up is understanding and respecting boundaries.  Since she HAD A CHILD, she should know that the last thing a new mom needs is a houseguest sleeping on her living room floor.  I'm sure she'll be somewhat helpful while there, but your #1 job in LIFE is to take care of that kid, not worry about somebody's f'ing air mattress and making sure they are happy.  Having a house guest is stressful, no matter what.  

Your husband needs to leave and cleave.  He needs to ball up and tell her that your household agreement is no overnight guests for the first 6 months (or whatever) after baby is born.  

This is not selfish or unreasonable.  Regardless of who pays for the hotel, you are 1000% in the right to not want people in your space while you are focused on trying to keep a tiny human alive.

Nobody in my world would ever dream of imposing and staying overnight at hour house after my son was born, and they won't this time either.  And we're not in a small apartment - we have a whole house.  in fact, I had to tell my best friend "Sweets, don't visit yet, I want to be able to have FUN with you when you come meet the baby" and she was like "roger, I'll come in 4 months."

This is the time when you are supposed to be selfish -- on behalf of your new baby.  If your DH feels like he "needs" his mom around, that's fine too -- but she can stay in a reasonably priced hotel, and come over at 8 AM and go home after dinner . Quite honestly, I imagine she'll be grateful for that space as well.

Good luck.

AmericanInOz

IMO it would be different if you had a spare room

our baby moved into our second room and we didn't want additional guests either - we needed some space with a new baby

my parents and DH's parents were fine with that and stayed at a B&B nearby

it actually worked out best for all of us - cause they could go back to their palce to watch movies while I napped in the afternoon

AmericanInOz

also BTW I live overseas, so my parents only come over once a year

now that we have a house, they stay with us

but when we were in a 2 bed apartment with a new baby, they stayed in a B&B

PrimRoseMama

LoisLayn23 said:

Team MIL

I would normally say this-- but this MIL (& my Monster-In-Law) are a special breed of crazy. They take a mile if you try to compromise. It sounds harsh & inhospitable, but unless you've experienced the horror of a MIL like this then it's hard to understand.

GinnyJ2012

For me, having family stay right after DS was born was great. My parents came the first week, and my in laws came the next week. They stayed in the guest room and having them there to help with baby while I showered or slept was very nice. However, you know your MiL better than I do, so if you don't think she would be helpful to you then I suggest asking her to not visit right away.

It takes a while to get into a good routine and get comfortable with nursing and such. If she wants to visit right away and y'all have offered to help cover travel costs and she's still throwing a fit then she needs to grow up.

atmaloney

I feel very lucky that my MIL is very sweet..she refers to my DH as her favorite son..which I know you're not supposed to have favorites, but they have a very special bond. However, my FIL is a complete DICK. He would talk to my husband while he was in Afghanistan telling him how I had gained some weight and he thought I needed to go into OA. He is in AA so apparently everyone needs an ____Anonymous. Thankfully, my husband went completely off on him and came to my defense. But I am really worried about how my FIL will treat my daughter. I mean, he already makes fun of his Grandson's name behind their parents back. 

Hadynimogen

My MIL is a horrible woman, who hates me with every bone in her body, if he was hut by a bus it would be my fault, if it rains its my fault everything is my fault,  she told my husband that im no good for him and that i got pregnant to keep him and that he should divorce me.

i totaly see where you are coming from, i dont even want my MIL in my house left alone having the poisonous witch around my children but i suck it up for hubby. but no way would she be allowed to stay in my house as for my sanity i could not cope.

i would however be furious with hubby for backing down on the decision that you jointly made.  make he go back to her and tell her no end of.